ACoAs

What is Self-Control ? (Part 6)

dmtorbi ACoAs

self-controllingI’VE ALWAYS HAD to CONTROL –
everything – to feel safe

PREVIOUS: What is S-elfControl, #5

POSTs : Healthy UNIT – Adult & Parent

QUOTE: “Wealth is not about having a lot of money. It’s about having a lot of options”.  ~ Chris Rock

To IMPROVE Self-control (S-C), especially in difficult situations, it’s relevant & important & to have as much info about the PPT involved.

So when trying to understand or decide what to or not to do/say –
First : step back & do a quick mental OVER-VIEW
Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 6.44.01 PMa. Pay more attention to the forest instead of focusing on individual trees, ie. consider the ultimate goal or big picture of the situation you’re in

b. Look at how your actions fit into the overall framework, as being part of a larger plan or purpose in your life, NOT just a specific instance or action. Don’t just stare at a detail in front of you (“But he said…., they ignored me…..), getting lost in something that bothers you or that may be out-of-place.

UNDERSTAND :
• One instance of an issue or topic does not give enough info about its purpose or definition, so using it to ‘carve it in stone’ is faulty thinking (a CD),
➼ AND only focusing on a specific example or instance prevents us from being able to apply the concept to a wide variety of life situations. This limits our ability to understand what causes our actions, & so to be in charge of them.

EXP: When a person is asked what they think something means such as “What is the purpose of Guilt?” // “What is Self-Hate” ….
— the inevitably answer is given as an example of it:
f037577c507f4276e7a115a8ac21f596“Feeling bad about something” // “Being hard on oneself”….
— rather than its basic definition, its meaning, or what it’s used for.
Solution:
Think of a Definition or Purpose of a topic as the large category ANIMAL (the Kingdom) Then you can list as many different examples as apply – cat, horse, bird, elephant, crock….(the Species)

HEALTHY S-C is NOT ABOUT:
• asking for permission to be who you already are. But it is respectful to ask – if you’re ‘impinging’ on someone’s rights, or if you need to give them a choice about something
• being any healthier than you are, in order to have good things in life
• knowing everything or solving every issue (not be perfect)
• arguing your point – unless it’s really important, especially when it’s clear someone is not open. You don’t have to be right, & don’t have to prove it when you are
If we push & push to be understood by unavailable people, we just make a fool of ourself (Article re. being in control, w/ Biblical references)

STRENGTHEN S-C by engaging your ADULT
INSIDE:
• every morning look in the mirror while washing & teeth-brushing, & think of 5 things you value about yourself – no matter how imperfect!
• be honest, & be true to yourself. Realize you’re important, & never believe or accept anyone saying or implying that you aren’t
AND
Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 7.40.31 AM• focus on what’s important to you, putting your all into those things – rather than into any that aren’t relevant or worthwhile
• be happy with yourself, focus on what you can change, and ignore what you can’t (either not right now – or ever)
• make the best of the life you have, changing the things that are harmful & eliminating things that are a waste of time/energy
OUTSIDE:
• always remember your best qualities & skills, what makes you valuable & unique, so you can be your best Self in the moment
• organize the important things you need to do each day, & keep a positive (“can-do”) attitude in your work place
AND
• try doing things the way you want to, instead of letting others influence you to do it their way, or distract you from your goals
• when someone is mean to you (by action/ words), stick up for yourself, with assertive “I” statements, coming from your Healthy Adult
• remember to be polite, & look at things as possibilities (WikiHow) which
YOU CAN be in control / in charge of your life.

NEXT: Toxic Family Rules

What is Self-Control ? (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 7.44.34 AMIT’S MUCH BETTER FOR ME – to be in control, than to be controlling

PREVIOUS: What is Self-Control ? (Part 4)

SEE post: ‘ACoAs Acting controlling’

QUOTE: “To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves” ~ Virginia Woolf

SELF-CONTROL  and PRESSURE
1. Neutral: No Pressure – a free environment with no competition, where you can do whatever you want. Self-control is based on however you feel at the moment. With no one else to compare to, people will be more -or- less motivated, depending on the urgency of whatever they’re doing, or their ability to self-motivate

ACoAs – re.‘ Neutral’, children left too much on their own, without guidance or boundaries, can end up floundering, lacking self-motivation. Notice : now with open chunks of time we say “I don’t know what to do”,  OR “I have so many things I could do / should be doing – I don’t know which one to pick”.
So we end up wasting the opportunity by doing nothing or just puttering around. Then we feel frustrated & upset with ourself.

2. Negative: Bad Pressure – In a judgmental & prejudicial environment with no competition, people can get depressed, unmotivated & lose self-control.ocer-control
REVIEW: Emotional Power over others and
Emotional over-Control of oneself are similar because they :
• both try to unfairly influence inner feelings, beliefs, attitudes, values
• are inappropriate internal strategies for dealing with issues, conflicts or mistakes
• are less obvious than physical methods, being manipulative, sneaky, dishonest
• produce subtle results (harder to catch), BUT ↓
• can be identified by resulting signs — depression, discouragement, emotional suppression, insecurity, low self-esteem, negativity & pessimism

3. Positive: Good Pressure – Being in a competitive but non-judgmental, non-prejudicial environment which helps people become motivated, inspired & gain self-control, making them want to be like others around them

STUDY from Humboldt University, Germany:
Broad styles of emotional control can be identified early in life.  This study followed children for 19 years, starting at age 4, then divided them into young people who were –
a. Under-controlled:  disagreeable & lacked self-control. “When feeling frustrated they acted aggressively towards others, n spite of the negative consequences.”
who's in chargeb. Over-controlled: emotionally brittle, introverted, tense, quiet, self-conscious & uncomfortable around strangers. Who “… control their emotions too much, so are less ‘natural’ & spontaneous. Being slow to warm up, they are seen by others as shy.”

c. Resilient (balanced): self-confident, emotionally stable, with a positive orientation toward others. These were “good at modulating their emotions, interacting with others & bouncing back from adversity”

✳️ One observation from the study was that – “compared to the resilient children, the other 2 types took longer to move into adult roles, such as leaving home, starting a romantic relationship or finding a career. Accomplishing these milestones requires social adeptness that the over- & under-controllers take longer to develop….”

COMMENTS : Types a & b are likely the result of unsafe childhood experiences combined with each child’s native style of emotional reactivity. This affects brain chemistry, & therefore how we react to life as adults. Regardless of which underlying personality type we’re born as , pre-Recovery ACoAs are rarely Resilient, but more likely over- or under-controlled, from childhood trauma.

⚡︎ ⚡︎ SO : coming from a turbulent, dysfunctional home, the Impulsive child can easily turn out to be the trouble-maker or drama-queen, AND the Shy one ends up isolated, depressed & marginalized (Scapegoat or Lost Child)

Resilience : by comparison, coming from a safe family, Extroverts can grow up to be dynamic go-getters AND Introvert become the quieter ones who successfully use their influence & skills in-the-background.

STUDY – by Jerome Kagan, from Harvard U,  His team used MRI scans to show that the brains of young adults – who were identified as being shy when toddlers – worked differently than the more Extroverted ones when they were small.  Of course, there are many other factors, including class, that make a difference in how children mature.

Ultimately, healthy Self-control is a combination of:
• being in charge of your WIC – by forming a relationship with him/her, so your UNIT is the stronger voice – reasonable, trustworthy & KIND
• AND stopping the PP from bullying the Inner Child into staying hooked by the family disease, who will either rebel or fold in reaction.

NEXT: What is S-C ?  (Part 6)

What is Self-Control ? (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

head or heartI CAN CHOOSE TO DO THINGS
that are good for me & are suited

PREVIOUS: What is Self-control (Part 3)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

Control is about POWER – to make someone do or be what we want. When applied to ourself – that power can be either –
• a defense to deny our pain, which is debilitating & destructive, OR
• to heal & nurture ourself, & express our best to the world

Healthy Self-MANAGEMENT (S-M) is not limiting or rigid, but rather providing the stamina to keep going & the ability to handle stresses with flexibility. It relies on the same willpower as rigid self-control, but instead is channeled to :
a. prevent us from doing whatever is unsuitable & harmful to ourself, OR
b. delay instant gratification & pleasure, in favor of some greater gain or for more satisfying results at a later time

VALUE of S-M. It allows us to :
a.  • obey legitimate rules & laws
• avoid talking or acting impulsively
• overcome being stuck or procrastinating
• prevent self-destructive patterns (addictions…)
AND
b. continue & finish internal or external projects, even after the initial rush of enthusiasm has faded, or when they get too boring or too hard

Having S-M means WE:
• are in present-day reality, which includes owning our adult abilities, acquired knowledge & useful experiences
• can stay centered & act according to our own mind
• have self-respect as a Healthy Adult, especially in our thinking
• know our Rights, options & what’s actually possible (not fantasy/ illusion)
• make declarative statements & ask for our needs – in the right places
• use that info to practice setting boundaries, with ourself & with others

HEALTHY GOAL
Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 8.11.47 AM🔸To run our own life, rather than someone else’s, & not have someone else run ours – we must be our own Motivator, which is not selfishness but the opposite of co-dependence.

Being responsible for our own life also includes :
🔹AA Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over____” other People, Places & Things
🔹AA Step 3: “…turn our will & our lives over to the care of God….

Having choices does fit with the Serenity Prayer:  “God grant me:
1. the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
2. the courage to change the things I can
3. and the wisdom to know the difference”

ACoAs are too long on a. negative self-discipline & short on b. healthy self-control, which is available by developing the “UNIT”. At first “a.” may seem like a good thing – because it’s supposed to keep us from doing actual bad or wrong things (which it can also do) – but that’s not the main way we use it

Instead, what ACoAs often do is to keep ourself from developing healthy T.E.As, but are in fact many positive ones DIS-allowed by our Toxic Family Rules.
EXP : Thinking for ourself, having opinions, standing up for our rights, Leaving bad situations, following our bliss, Feeling our emotions, relaxing, being happy, having fun ….

✶ Actually, just because many of us start out as under-dogs, it doesn’t mean we can’t WIN – over our damage, over our pain, over others trying to control us! Being empowered can be every ACoA’s goal, deciding for ourself how to act from an inner place of certainty & serenity.
😠 And for those of us who don’t like the word CONTROL – we can say : being in charge, living in our Adult Ego state, taking responsibility, being our own motivator!….

So, how in charge are you of your life – actions, career, emotions, health, home, finances, relationships, work life…..?
Based on many studies, including Fujita (2008), correcting CDs  – our self-defeating self-talk – can extend the ability to be in charge of ourself, to keep our focus & have better self-care.

• Reasonable adults respect others who are in control (C) of themself & their life. Being respected is one of our many rights – the opposite of being shamed .  As we develop & honor our True Self, we will be respected by others more often if we consistently handle what WE CAN, as in line 2 of the Serenity Prayer, & relinquish / let go of the demand to control what we do not have the power to do.

NEXT: Types of Self-Control (Part 5)

What is Self-Control ? (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS : What is Self-Control ? (#2)

SITE: HAPPINESS IS SIMPLE: Why too many choices make life miserable & ways to improve your life!

QUOTE: “A tongue has no bones but is strong enough to break a heart. Be careful with your words.”~ Anon


1. OBJECTIVE Control
Whatever is measurable, & psychologically or practically achievable – given the person’s age, genetics, native abilities & leaned skills.
However, the perception of control (whether accurate or not) influences people’s behaviors and emotions more strongly than actual control.

a. INTERNAL Locus of Control – what we believe causes the outcome of situations : Outcomes are within our control, determined by our attributes, decisions & hard work.  Believing in the ability to control outcomes is required in order to be successful in life, as long as it’s based in reality.
❣️ Overall, such people are happier & more successful. They come from families who emphasize effort, education, responsibility & thinking, AND where parents are warm, supportive, encouraging, who give their children the rewards they promised & are consistent in self-discipline. (Quiz at MindTools)

Psychologists generally attribute one of the following broad causes / reasons for being able to achieve goals or accept rewards :
– Internal Stable : self-determined by the person’s own ability & personal mastery “It’s due to me”   (MORE…. re. ‘Locus of Control’)
– Internal Unstable : rewards are based on how much effort were put out, & for how long
• ‘Internals’ know they generally have control in life, & specific control over areas such as health, intellectual functioning, memory & relationships.
They tend to be highly motivated to achieve, are not very outer-directed, & believe they’re able to successfully take actions that are required to reach their goals

2. PERCEIVED Control : the person’s belief about the likelihood of positive or negative outcomes in various situations. (‘generalized expectancy), based on the degree of internal control they have.  Regarding external support – it’s our evaluation of the effectiveness of rewards or benefits provided by our environment.

This is based on who’s sitting at the internal ‘control panel’ of our life, which has a great impact on our physical & mental health.
The value of our efforts will depend on —
• Contingency: deciding if a particular outcome is controllable or not
• Competence: thinking that we’re capable of creating a desired outcome OR if we can avoid / suppress an undesirable result or not

b. EXTERNAL Locus of Control
externalsBelief : Outcomes are outside our control, determined by ‘fate’, independent of our decisions & hard work (belief of most ACoAs). Western culture is so focused on DO-ing – that we think of any topic only in those terms

‘Externals” beliefs about reaching a goal or receive rewards:
– External Stable : comes from objective task characteristics & the level of difficulty, OR outcome created by powerful others “It’s due to them”
– External Unstable: based on chance, fate, karma “It’s just luck”

Such people tend to be more stressed & prone to clinical depression. FoO sources : Social limitations increase their expectation of being out-of-control. More often these people are from a lower socio-economic level, may come from a single parent family headed by a woman, a parent is an active addict, &/or who themselves ‘externals’

REVIEW : Many unhealed people have the Illusion of Control, assuming power over people, places & things – which they do not actually have. This attitude is a type of fantasy & narcissistic grandiosity, used as a band-aid to cover S-H & powerlessness. It drives symbiotic, co-dependent ACoAs to believe they can do the impossible (EXP : stop someone from ____), a way to avoid working on their own damage!internals

At the other extreme – ACoAs who Delay Gratification by Over-self-control :
Researcher David C. Funder observed that people who keep putting off getting a reward for their efforts (like many ACoAs) are not actually better at self-control. For them it’s more about self-deprivation, being compulsively ‘disciplined’, deny having choices, & unable to be flexible! (More …..) 
➼ Ironically, this way of functioning is definitely a loss of control – ie. NO choice! AND it’s obeying the Toxic Rule:  “You have to struggle but never get there”!

✶ With Recovery, ACoAs come to understand, accept & implement our Internal locus – #1a. While no one has 100% control – over everything – contrary to some Teachings, AA’s Step 1 reminds us: “We admitted we were powerless over____”.  To believe otherwise is arrogance!
See 3 Cs’ of Al-Anon and the Serenity Prayer.

NEXT: What is S-C #4

What is Self-Control ? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

I’M MOST IN CONTROL
when I don’t follow the pack

PREVIOUS: What is S-C (#1)

POST : Letting go of being controlling

 

1. Q: What do most people think ‘Being IN control’ is about?
A:  That it’s ONLY about taking actions instead of freezing up or being indecisive.
This comes partly from our culture, which constantly tells us to “Just do it”, & partly from the alcoholic / narcissistic family that only focused on DOING, rather than Being or Feeling!

It’s considered about “keeping it together, not letting ’em see you sweat, being cool, not needing anyone or always the center of attention….”.  This attitude is seen as a virtue, but is actually over-controlling oneself – from the WIC, or being controlling – from the PP, both fueled by deep & pervasive old terror.light camera ACTION

2. Q: What identifies as “Being OUT of control”? 
A: Most people will say it’s ‘loosing it’ – by expressing some intense emotion, like yelling (rage, frustration) or crying (pain, sadness)

By itself this is not loss of control. It depends – are you OK no matter where you are & how other people react? Have you chosen an appropriate place to let loose? such as Outdoors vs a small public place indoors, at a Meeting vs dumping on a child or mate?…..

a. Out-of-control Doing – is words & actions that you can’t seem to stop, no matter how harmful – such as willfully trying to befriend someone in a group who is obviously ignoring you &/or clearly angry & volatile!

EXPs: ☛ being a know-it-all, smarter that everyone, showing off
☛ being rebellious, still doing the opposite of what the adults demanded
☛ constant drunkenness, domestic violence, self-cutting, repeatedly getting fired OR not working at all

⏬ HOWEVER : Not being able to act is just as much a lack of control as compulsive behavior. Negative actions and non-actions are both driven by the WIC’s anxiety which we’re not aware of or not in charge of modifying.

b. Out-of-control Not Doing – Unable to act in our own best interest
EXP : ☛ hiding out, isolating, staying invisible, withdrawing
☛ withholding, giving the silent treatment, judging, manipulating

Scenario:  Staying- staying-staying, stuck in your chair – at a party where your alcoholic boyfriend is deliberately ignoring you while flirting with his ex! – you can’t bear to leave him behind with someone else.
Everyone sees what’s going on – making a fool of yourself by not leaving, but you’re paralyzed. While you can’t ignore one more indignity from him, the pain of betrayal & loss has triggered abandonment shock!

HEALTHY ‘Being in CONTROL’
It’s true that children in healthier families also have limited control over their life growing up, but sadly, ACoAs had almost none.
So – the KEY to healthy control (ta-da) is you HAVING a CHOICE!
IT
• allows us to know what our needs are, permission to get them met, AND find ways to meet as many needs as possible, under the realistic circumstances of our specific personality & current life
• comes from our True Self, which includes the ‘UNIT’ , allowing us to be comfortable in our skin. It’s NEVER about being perfect!
IT
• requires that our childhood rage-level diminishes enough so we don’t take our hurt & desire for revenge out on others
• requires a lowered level of anxiety, having gotten a lot of our sorrow & rage out safely
IT’S
📍 about knowing when to do or say something & when not to, as in “Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em”
📍 HOW, when & where  we express our emotions
📍 having good boundaries – inside ourself, how we treat others & how we ‘let’ others treat us
📍 taking responsibility for our life choices, without self-hate, picking the things that suit us from available options

• Sometimes it’s taking a risk to act on your own behalf, for someone you love, or for the greater good. This is not impulsive / compulsive
AND
• Sometimes it’s holding back, waiting, being patient, listening, taking time to process & plan. This is not passivity or waiting to be rescued.
Either way – it’s always about having a choice. It is wisdom. It is self-esteem. It is S & I.

NEXT: Self-control. #3

What is Self-Control ? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

in controlWHO MOTIVATES ME – Others or myself?

PREVIOUS: Let go of Controlling -#3

POSTs:Personal Responsibility

☆ The UNIT:Healthy Adult, Loving Parent


SELF- CONTROL 101 (Normal)
Events or Thoughts —-> lead to —-> Emotions
Emotions ——-> lead to ——> Beliefs
Beliefs ——-> lead to ——> Decisions
Decisions ——-> lead to ——> Actions
Actions —> lead to —> Rewards or Consequences

Def. of CONTROL, from the dictionary: to direct, command, exercise authority over -OR- to hold back, curb, restrain —> oneself or others.

PURPOSE of Self-Control (SC)
To gain a present reward or reach a delayed gratification
OR delay, reduce or eliminate punishment
DEF: ☀︎ to hold in check or curb (the WIC & PP ?)
☀︎ to exercise restraint or direction over something or someone
☀︎ to eliminate or prevent the spread of something (our damage ?)

ACoAs – Healthy S-C is very hard to achieve as long as:S-H
• the WIC is the ego state in charge of our daily emotions, actions & reactions
• we obey the Toxic Rules, suppressing our True Self
• externally, we stay symbiotically attached to our family
• internally, we continue to obey the Negative Introject (PP)

SELF-CONTROL (S-C) is about harnessing our willpower to accomplish things that are generally regarded as desirable & highly valued by society, including our personal long-term goals. As adults, we’re responsible for our thoughts, emotions & actions (T.E.A.) to the extent that it’s in our power, which is not always possible.

• People are born with varying degrees of tolerance for routine vs. change, patience vs boredom, social vs private interactions…. but the need for S-C applies to everyone. However,
it’s harder for us to maintain it IF we’re in the wrong environment, where others are not also willing to govern themself. (MORE…)

skillsHealthy families help their children to develop this skill as part of their over-all training.  In adults – developing S-C requires a lessening of anxiety, & is motivated by a clear, conflict-free desire to stop harming oneself or others. Practice & perseverance are required, but it gets easier with repetition.
S-C  IS:
✱ not an inborn character trait that would automatically allow us to govern our thoughts, emotions & behavior
✱ a skill developed through education, social interaction & conditioning
✱ built up by the process of ‘stalling, distracting & resisting’ negative urges
✱ quite complex. It requires that we stay awake so our functioning is based in the present, not from trauma & Toxic Rules
S-C IS 
✱ internal mastery – by monitoring thoughts, regulating emotions, setting goals & making responsible choices. This allows us to moderate / manage competing activities, desires & urges
✱ the ability to make choices & decisions that benefit ourself, & then others. This requires knowing & honoring who we are – our abilities & experience, needs, preferences & tastes

✱ an important part of a cluster of fundamental internal resources (our core character, courage, determination, endurance, faith, purpose…. ) which do not disappear, even when tested by constant pressure or long-term deprivation
✱ requires motivation. In certain situations, such as a special celebration or an artificial psychological experiment, we may decide to briefly give up self-control for the occasion
S-C
✱ becomes self-discipline when we have to apply intentional effort. When practiced habitually for some time, it can become a character trait
✱ becomes a way of thinking because of the cognitive processes & mental discipline needed to use SC
✱ becomes a virtue when we resists temptations in order to achieve a desired goal, & can be considered a spiritual gift when it’s the result of spiritual growth & transformation.

VALUE of Self-Control – it allows us to:
• be a responsible & trustworthy human being
• be in charge of our moods & replace negative beliefs – to keep in check self-destructive, addictive behaviors & obsessive thoughts
• eliminate feeling helpless & having to be inappropriately dependent on others
• be in overall charge of our life = gaining self-esteem, confidence, balance, inner strength,&  a sense of personal mastery
• have enough mental & emotional detachment to give us peace of mind

NEXT: What is Self-Control (#2)

Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

 THE MORE I LET GO,
the more power I have!

PREVIOUS: Letting Go of Controlling -#2

Review: “Let Go of Control…Art of Surrender“


MAKING CHANGES – “What we disown – we can’t change”.
Another Inventory: Consider the following points & write out as much as you can. Do a little for each point, then go back every few days & add more.
• If needed, get trusted people to make suggestions from their experiences with you. Try not to be defensive – just write them down & look at them later.
NOTE your patterns that crop up over & over, especially if mentioned by several people

EXTERNALLY
STAY AWAKE for ways you act Controlling:
⭐︎ When it happens    ⭐︎ What sets it off
⭐︎ How it shows up in your actions
⭐︎ Who is affected   ⭐︎ How does it affect them
⭐︎ How do others react to you   ⭐︎ How does that make you feel emotionally & what is the negative self-talk

INTERNALLY
Acknowledge that you are controlling, & identify the causes  behind it
Consider which ones :   • you’ve already been working on
• others you’re willing to tackle, & how you can change your reactions
• which you have to ‘put on the shelf ‘until you’re more healed
(review ‘Controlling & Abandonment’ posts)
list of needsMake a list of:
• all your unmet needs & slowly work at filling them
• your talents – develop, hone & get recognized for them
• backlogged old pain that causes anxiety, & gradually feel them

• the difference between assertiveness & aggression, controlling vs in control, connection vs symbiosis, humiliation vs.humility, rage vs anger, rescuing vs helping, possible vs impossible ….

Practice asking for legitimate needs & desires from others, without demanding or having unrealistic expectations. Know who can meet specific needs & who cannot – and to what degree!

The 3 As & T.E.A.
AWARENESS: Identify your unhealthy attitudes (Ts) towards situations, unrealistic expectations of others & beliefs about how life should be.
Also, life areas that are affected (work, home…) & which are more intense than others (more with spouse, less with friends ?…)

ACCEPTANCE: Then – write about the experiences growing up that fostered the need to be Controlling, especially emotions underlying the compulsion (Es).
Identify alternative or opposite beliefs (Ts) you can use when life-stressors set off the impulse to C. (Post ; “Heathy Helping”)
✶ Allow as much time as needed to make internal shifts. Acceptance is about staying in the process & not always trying to jump into Action

ACTION: List better ways (As) to act when feeling the pull to be C. & try them out a little at a time. Learn how to communicate with your WIC & do it consistently, to comfort & protect it (Ts & Es)

Keep these new thoughts & action handy, & in a variety of locations to remind yourself (home, car, office, fridge, wallet or purse …)

TEST-CASE: Pick one thing you feel a definite need to control, then DON’T make any effort what-so-ever to exert your will over that situation the next time.  Just do it & observe how the event unfold completely on its own, without any help from you. Notice you thoughts & emotionspeaceful

• You may feel shaky at first, as it may bring up anxiety from past trauma. HOLD onto to your WIC, & let it know it’s not in danger

• Use Bookending with the WIC, to prove that most things turn out much better that we anticipate – by writing how things turn out when you don’t C.

From “Losing Control, Finding Serenity” book by Daniel A. Miller
Daily Exercise:
• About your external children, listen attentively without offering advice, especially the older ones unless they ask. Recognize that they’re different from you in how they think & process things, and accept that your way may not be right – for them
• In your love relationship, lower your expectations of your mate AND of yourself. Focus on steps you can take to improve your love-bond. Appreciate the good things you have together.

• About creativity, focus on just enjoying the process, rather than thinking too much about the outcome. Don’t worry about making “mistakes.”
Start a piece (paint, crochet, a new song…) with the intention of not completing it, & see how it goes.
>> If you’re only partly successful, do not give yourself a hard time! Keep trying, try something else or get help if needed. You’ll see that letting go of control may bring success, or at least a sense of peace!

NEXT: Types of Self-Control – #1

Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

universeNEED TO HEAL THE FEAR –
to stop controlling

PREVIOUS: Letting Go, #1

POSTs : “Negative Benefits of…“
☀︎” Discomfort & Comfort“

Use Acronyms Page for abbrev.


Exercise: Write as much as you can about these 4 Qs.  Put it away for a week or a month & then go back & read it, adding more as ideas surface. Share about them where it’s safe

1. NEGATIVE BENEFITS (-+) of being Controlling
Q: What do you get from holding on to it?
• N.B. are patterns that keeps us attached to our damage, familiar but stunt our growth. It’s the narcissistic grandiosity of the WIC, as well as ‘entitlement’, which makes people temporarily feel powerfuldream control

• When in C. mode, we function from the underlying position that everything revolves around us – good or bad.
“My way or the highway // It’s late – I’ll let you go // I don’t understand why you don’t ____ (like what I like, think the way I do)….” .

This style lets us feel important & always : be right, get our way, never be vulnerable, be heard & paid attention to, have an effect on the world…. so many things we didn’t get as a kid. But they don’t actually heal us, because it keeps us totally dependent on others

2. NEGATIVE DETRIMENTS (–)
Q: How does it hurts you & others?in a vice
• This may be hard to answer at first, because Cs are not really interested in other people’s experiences, emotions or needs…
But we can remember how it felt when someone controlled us: resentful, stifled, belittled, disrespected….

• Being C. limits our options, keeping us out of the flow of life – preventing us from finding out the wonderful things that can happen if we stopped trying to force the world to conform to our narrow vision.

3. POSITIVE DISCOMFORT (+-)
Q: What are you afraid will happen?
Changing a deeply ingrained pattern like Controlling can bring up a lot of anxiety, especially if we’ve built our whole persona on ‘running things’, like Heroes. (although the other Roles alsocontrol in their own way).
It means giving up how we’ve been experiencing ourself, what we thought was our personality, but is actually the False Self

• We think we’ll be in some kind of danger, as if our actual life would be threatened! But it will only be the emotion of fear – feeling old abandonment pain & having to give up cherished illusions
OR
positive negatives• we’re afraid someone we love will be in danger. This may seem realistic if we’re dealing with an active addict bent on self-destruction.
We can present them with info & options for Recovery, but they have to want it. Sometimes formal interventions work, but not always. And sometimes, no matter what we do, active addicts die.

• When taking care of a very sick person we love, we may be the one responsible for many practical matters, but ultimately, we can’t control the outcome! Self-care becomes even more imperative!

• BUT – most of the time, the world goes on just fine without our two-cents! As we grow we can better tolerate the discomfort of not interfering with the natural order of things, which does gets easier.

4. POSITIVE BENEFITS (++)
Q: Why is it worth giving up?
• We get to find out who WE really are – talents, knowledge, gifts, experience… & finally take center stage in our own life, expressing a multifaceted Self, by being responsible for ourself – the opposite of being Controlled – instead of wasting energy on manipulating others

• Acceptance & gratitude! (not C.) lets us enjoy achievements & accolades, instead of cringing, or negating some success when it’s valued & acknowledged

• Recovery provides self-esteem, a genuine sense of freedom, the ability to connect with healthy people who respect us, & who we can trust to be OK without our constant vigilance!

REALITYimages copy 2
✶ Most people have more resiliency, depth, strength & flexibility than we give them credit for. That includes you. Believe you can handle all kinds of circumstances. Keep saying: “I know what I know – but I can’t know everything!”
SO – catch yourself in the act of being C. & stop as soon as you can. Remind yourself of the benefits of changing & give your inner kids a big hug!

NEXT: Letting Go, #3

Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I CAN GET MY NEEDS MET –
without arranging everything!

PREVIOUS: Acting Controlling (#3)

SITE: Freedom & Control

See Acronyms Page for abbrev.


STOP Controlling
To change this dysfunctional pattern takes Willingness, Perseverance & Courage!  We have to be ready to look at ourself without intense judgement & S-H, or we’re not going to own the C. behaviors.

Reminder: You are not responsible for trying to make changes or correct problems which are beyond your competency, power, authority or responsibility – OR that ARE the responsibility of someone else!

The OLD Way: Being C. is to function from the assumption that the only way to feel safe in the world is by arranging everything OUR way, all the time.
But, the very act of Controlling is a betrayal of the True Self, shutting us off from healing our wounds & making loving connections with others, because of the fear & rage we carry from the WIC & PP.

Ironically, being a control freak never seems to include changing oneself! The Negative Introject (PP) keeps trying to deceive us, saying that the only way to proceed is to completely control every tiny detail of how & when things should happen, and/or how others should act.
At the same time the PP continues to tortures us so it won’t lose power over us – by making us believe that no matter how hard we work at it, we’ll never be good enough or do things right.

progress not perfectionBOTTOM LINE – BEING C. :
• can be called a character defect, but it’s imperative we don’t use that to berate ourself (vs. Being in Control of oneself)
• is NOT the same as having strong opinions. Rather, it’s a way to ‘force solutions’ by imposing our will on others

• is a form of grandiosity, a defense mechanism to defend against re-experiencing early vulnerability, powerlessness & daily neglect. NOTICE –
our style of controlling is likely a copy of someone in our family
• provides a temporary feeling of being powerful (not at the mercy of anyone!) but like all addictions, has to be constantly repeated, since it doesn’t heal our terror
GROWTH
• As the WIC heals & we strengthen our ‘Unit’, the need for C will diminish in intensity, but may never completely go away. This has to be accepted – with healthy humility & self-respect (opposite of grandiosity)
• Lessening it requires self-esteem, boundaries, making better choices & letting love in – wherever it may come from!
• Letting go of being C. can only be done in stages, & never perfectly!

LETTING GO 
There are many wise things to be said about ‘Letting Go’, but here are 2 main ones for ACoAs. To grow we need to —

1. STOP trying to win our parents’ love. We wouldn’t need to IF they had the capacity in the first place. Stop chasing them (or substitutes) for the nurturing every child needs but was simply not available because of their damage, even if they meant well & said they loved us

2. Relinquish the fantasy / illusion that doing things perfectly will get us that love & approval. All it does is increase our self-hate & fear, since perfection is unattainable AND our family’s mental or emotional health is not – and was never was – in our power to create.
People either can love us or not. We can not earn it!

A NEW Way
Freedom from Controlling comes from giving up the internal fight, to stop trying to manage everything, to stop trying to please the PP, & by staying out of whatever is none of our business!

self-fight✶ This does NOT mean being lazy, withholding or paralyzed.
• Rather – it comes from knowing that even in times of discomfort our inner foundation is built on solid ground – a support system made up of our Loving Inner Parent, the Higher Power & respectful / kind people.

• Being comfortable in our skin includes allowing OTHERS to be themselves, & letting many circumstances be – just as they are. There’s a time to act & a time to be still. The Serenity Prayer tells us:
✳️ Change what you can right now, & Accept what you can’t change at all, what’s not yet possible, or is not yet the right time.

NEXT: Letting Go of C. –  #2

ACoAs Acting Controlling (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

running things I’M NOT CONTROLLING –
I just like things done right!

PREVIOUS: Acting Controlling (#2)

 

 

REASONS for Controlling:
• Angry – to express rage at our family – who we can’t get back at directly – for not loving us unconditionally
• Needy – as adults, when we’re especially lonely, scared, vulnerable or desperate
• Terrified – the anxiety & panic is so intense that our only goal is trying to force everything everyone to become as safe as possible

CONTROL FREAKS
Re. THEM
• Controllers (Cs) are not just opinionated – they always have to be right, not willing to accept or tolerate differences or disagreements between themself & others
• Cs are more likely to be moody (up & down), emotionally unpredictable. Because they’re unhappy with their own life they think C others will improve their experienceimages-1

• Cs use fear to keep others attached, because of their own FoA (very scared people don’t want to venture out on their own).
• Cs tend not to be friends with anyone more attractive, well-liked or intelligent, likely jealous & critical of popular, successful people

• Cs may or may not have close friends. If they do :
— it’s usually with the needy, easily bullied, with poor self-esteem & weak boundaries, who they can keep others under their thumb by focusing on negatives in the other’ Victim part
— OR they attach to someone ‘powerful’ they can feed off of
— OR treat ‘outsiders’ better than their own family, to be considered ‘wonderful‘ by anyone who didn’t grow up with them

• Cs can sense when they’re losing control, which can trigger psycho-somatic ailments (headaches, back or stomach pains, fainting, hives….). They can re-gaining control of a situation or relationship by getting attention, sympathy & concern from others

NOTE: Cs are very manipulative, playing head games to hide this character defect.
MY WAYThey can’t stand it when anyone stands up to them.  It’s imperative to their unhealthy ego to stay one-up. The stronger & clearer you are, the harder Cs will work to tear you down. OR dump you
✶ This is particularly true of severely narcissistic parents who will make every effort to destroy a strong-minded child so that he/she can not expose or defy the controllers.

EXP: They DENY doing any harm, while accusing us of causing someone else’s bad behavior which hurt us (being cheated on, yelled at, fired ….): “What did you do?”
Re. YOU
•  Cs play on your empathy to gain trust early in a friendship, like telling you what a hard life they’ve had – in great detail, AND saying they can only trust telling you, because you’re different, special!

•  Cs attempt to define your reality – telling you what you like & want – or not – according to their tastes
EXP: You can say you need to be alone but they insist on taking up your time… you save something & they throw it away, saying ‘you don’t need that or it’s not important!’…. I know you

• Cs remember all the sensitive info we give them about ourself. They’ll seem sincere & caring at first, then bring it up & use it to subtly belittle you, until you agree with them :
“Are you still crying about that? It was just a cat / a long time ago / not such a big deal…Right?”

•  Cs often assume they understand how you think & feel, and are not shy about telling you, BUT really don’t!
EXP: “Your unfriendliness is bringing everyone down” when actually you’re withdrawn because of feeling deep pain, shyness, confusion….!
OR they get frustrated & abusive when you don’t act the same way they are: “Do that in the morning when you’re fresh”- a morning-person mother said to her night-person teen
judging• Cs can also use excessive generosity to feel important, & make you feel indebted to them, so you’ll feel guilty if you don’t reciprocate or don’t something they want!
Controllers:
• are often late, but always prepared with what seems like a legitimate excuse – so you can’t object
• are unwilling to respect any boundaries
• get frustrated & annoyed with normal questions
• make you wait for them – to respond, for decisions, to fulfill plans or promises….
• regularly expect you to change plans to suit their schedule
• rarely give sincere compliments – so you won’t feel good about yourself or take attention away from them
• will cause trouble between you & your family or friends

NEXT: Letting go of Controlling (#1)