PREVIOUS: What is CHARACTER ? (#1)

SITE: Personality Types (scroll down)

CHARACTER (cont)
a. Personality  – can be defined as a dynamic & organized set of characteristics that —> motivate us, & uniquely influence the way we think, feel & act in various circumstances.
The word “personality” originates from the Latin ‘persona’, which means mask.  Allport believed that personality develops as a function of learning to adapt to social situations, using our fundamental qualities, while trying to achieve our needs.  Interesting list:
“16 Personality Factors” ∼ psychologist Raymond Cattell.

b. Traits – In Science: Physical characteristics as an expression of a gene or many genes, such as height, eye color, the ability to roll your tongue….
In Psychology: a consistent, long-lasting tendency in behavior, as the distinguishing qualities of your personal nature, such as hostility, boldness, faith….
They are aspects of personality, background, or physique that make us better at some activities & worse at others.

TRAIT THEORY: In 1936, psychologist Gordon Allport (one of the first to focus on the study of  Personality) identified almost 18,000 words in various dictionaries that described differing personality traits, 4,000 of them in just one.

Common Traits – abstract ones used to measure one’s personality or some portion of it
Individual Traits – later renamed “dispositions”- unique characteristics which give us insight into how a person is organized – the “morphogenic study of the individual”.    (MORE…)

Allport noted that what people do is a great clue to their personality traits. If people like to run, hike, & ride bikes we can infer they are ‘Athletic’.  He grouped traits into three levels:

✤ CARDINAL :  A single characteristic that has one general focus motivating a person & guiding most of their activities. It dominates their life as their ruling passions/obsessions, such as a need for money, fame, security…. Someone can be so power-hungry that they are solely driven by that need for control.

• Some people are known specifically for such traits, so that their names become synonymous with the quality. Consider some that made these ‘names’ become household words, by their descriptive term: Christ-like, Freudian, Machiavellian, narcissistic, Don Juan(ish)…. Cardinal traits are rare (not present in all of us) & tend to show up later in life

✤ CENTRAL: these are the 5 to 10 pervasive traits found to some degree in everyone – which govern people’s day to day interactions. They’re the basic building blocks of personality that shape most of our behavior, but not as strongly as the Cardinals. They are the obvious characteristics most often used to describe someone, such as: “Sammy is intelligent, honest, shy & anxious….” (LIST of Traits)
    
✤ SECONDARY: the traits that reflect more “situational or opportunistic expressions”. They aren’t as incorporated into one’s personality as the others, the particular likes or dislikes that only a very close friend would know about. They’re attitudes or preferences that only tend to show up under specific circumstances, & must be included to provide a complete picture of human complexity. EXP:
• getting anxious when in a group, being impatient while waiting in line
• a preference for ice cream or chocolate, dislike of modern art or jazz

Traits (CT) are expressed in degrees
People express their strengths in different ways & in different amounts, depending on the event or setting. 
Social Psychology tells us that the details of the specific situation influences actual behavior. We may normally be very Responsible, but not always, like being late for an unpleasant meeting, or being flaky because of who we’re with, how much money we have at the moment, how upset or ill we are….

The degree to which a trait is expressed can also depend on the people we interact with. We may BE :
• Restrained when being with a shy person or unsafe authority figure
• Expressive with good friends or children
• Diligent at work, but Carefree on vacation
DRAW on our
• Love & Kindness when with family
• Self-regulation & Prudence when eating
• Social intelligence & Curiosity with casual friends or acquaintances
• Teamwork & Perseverance at work….

NEXT: PRINCIPLES of CHARACTER

AS MUCH AS I HATE IT
I can’t seem to let them go!

PREVIOUS: Emotional Immaturity (# 2)

QUOTE:  “Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy. In fact, they are incompatible. One emotion hardly leaves room for the other.” Robert Heinlein

IMMATURITY (cont)
10. SELF-CENTERED
The most basic trait of an emotional immature person. Never equate arrogance with self-esteem! All expressions of S-H are self-centeredness.
• actions indicate little regard for the needs & point of view of others, yet actually have very little regard for ourself (hidden S-H)
• overly sensitive, but mainly for things done to us – real or projected, rather than caring about the effect we have on others because of what we do.
IRONY – co-deps are overly focused on how others see us, BUT it’s still self-centered narcissism
WE
• are preoccupied with our own ideas & fears, even when hidden by rescuing, hi-achieving, people-pleasing….. can result in social anxiety, from assuming everyone will judge, criticize & dislike us
• take everything personally, trouble separating issues & situations from our ego or personal reactions to a topic, ‘hear’ discussions about issues through a filter that makes everything about us
• talk more than listen, steering all conversations back to us. Don’t take the time to be thoughtful, understanding, compassionate or empathetic —
— alternated with being lost in thought (dissociated) or consumed with our own views, worries, & outcome of our troubles (obsessions)

11. STIMULUS HUNGRY
• addicted to adrenalin, drama & various forms of danger
• demand instant results from ourself & others, so have poor follow-thru. Our promising beginnings end in failure for lack of persistence, so our gifts & skills are often wasted
• have poor impulse control, & trouble with delayed gratification (“I want it now, now, now”- including Recovery!)
• have superficial values, & too concerned with trivia (appearance, social position, money & possessions, sexual desirability…)

12. STUCK in DAMAGE
• acting out our anxiety on family or relationship = self-blame, guilt & physical symptoms (body pain, auto-immune illnesses…)
BTW: This does includes the years in Recovery – but as long as we’re progressing, it’s OK no matter how slowly
• our sense of identity coming from the False Self
• staying loyal to our family by feeding our S-H, obeying Toxic Rules, acting from the Toxic Roles, using people / places / things as addictions
• trapped in our ‘story’ – using unproductive patterns of thinking & acting from childhood (repetition compulsion)

AGE is not the main basis for maturity. Many people live their whole lives as emotional babies, not always obvious on the surface.
Actual children ARE naturally immature.
But when ACoAs were young, we had to be little grownups so the ‘adults’ wouldn’t have to be loving & responsible parents. Most of our role models were wounded kids themselves, so we never had a chance to learn genuine maturity from them

13. UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
• compulsively choose unhealthy, inappropriate friends & mates, as well as work, living & social environments
• OR accept any person or situation offered to us, without considering if we like it, if it suits us, how safe or healthy it is….
• focus most of our efforts on winning over people who are not interested in us, OR tolerate boundary invaders
• in most relationships we react in extremes (idealize or demonize)
AND
• personal loyalty lasts only as long as the relationship is somehow useful to ourself
• having trouble with people important to us is usually caused by us being critical, impatient, over-reactive, having inappropriate expectations & making demands
• use relationships to manage our anxiety. Have a great need for a large ‘support’ system so we don’t have to face & outgrow our abandonment issues

14. UNHEALTHY THINKING
• Cognitive Distortions (CDs) are the mainstay of the immature (WIC’s) way of ‘understanding’ the world. CDs CAUSE:
• being stuck in flawed beliefs about ourself (S-H) & others (judgmentalism)
• confused thinking, and inappropriate actions or non-actions
• misreading & then mis-interpretation of social cues, so we ignore them completely or react badly from projecting our assumptions on to others
• not taking seriously any point of view different from our own . EXP: B & W thinking always leads to false conclusions

NEXT : Emotional Maturity – General

I’M DOING WHATEVER I WANT- 
no matter what ! 

PREVIOUS : Emotional Immaturity (#1)

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

QUOTEs: ◎ “If you’re always waiting to get caught, welcome to a life of immaturity” Eymadreamer
◎ “Immaturity is the incapacity to use one’s intelligence without the guidance of another” Emmanuel Kant

IMMATURITY (cont)
6. NOT FLEXIBLE
Opposing people & ideas – being emotionally rigid, AND insist there’s only one way to think about or do things “our way or the highway”
‣ consistently experience the world as being against us, feel unseen & unheard, which can lead to constant debating, arguing, fighting
‣ OR compulsively isolate, avoiding reality, especially when frustrated
‣ see everything in B & W (too much or too little, all or nothing)

Oppositional – compulsively take the other side of an opinion or event, even if we secretly agree with the first one :
‣ as a way to keep others at arm’s length emotionally (false protection)
‣ because of a fragile ego (False Self, WIC), we’re afraid of loosing ourself if we agree with someone else, instead of having a solid identity and real boundaries
‣ have great difficulty with any form of real or perceived authority, even when it’s legitimate
‣ resist taking advice & help, even when desperately needed

7. NOT SELF-AWARE, MISSING :
• the ability to question or reflect on the consequences of our actions
• access to our Healthy Adult ‘voice’ based in the True Self
• awareness of how we communicate, that we don’t make genuine connections, or what effect we have on others by what we say
• appropriate sense of boundaries (over or under-functioning)
• awareness of our emotions or interior life (anxious, cutoff, reactive, stressed) OR why we think, feel & do what we do
• genuine empathy for or perspective about others

8. MANIPULATIVE
• experience the world as threatening, so hide our fear by subtly invalidating others (undermining), double talk, guilting, act weak & incompetent, play on other’s sympathy….
• highly self-absorbed, unsympathetic, passive-aggressive (covert hostility)
• hold on to unexpressed resentments, while our real intentions & behaviors are hostile : the con man, the gossip, the martyr, the two-face
• not able to face reality as an adult, we tend to often LIE, as a defense mechanism, even about small things, especially when not necessary. We gradually forfeit the trust of friends, family, and co-workers
• pretend to have emotional stability which we don’t actually have

9. OVERLY DEPENDENT
Symptoms : co-dependence & people-pleasing, dogmatism–intolerance of ambiguity, Fear of abandonment (FoA),
• act as Victim: always complaining or whining about something, or apathetic & numbed out. Focused on self-pity, waiting to be taken care of
• are indecisive – unable to make simple choices or decisions. You don’t stick to any you do make, from being easily influenced, bullied or manipulated by others
• basic emotional reactions to life = fear, distrust, anger & anxiety
WE
• get angry when a significant other (as parent-substitute) expresses their own needs & wants, when different from our own
• chronically expect some other person, place or thing to make life worth while. Needing others around all the time becomes a burden to them
• invest ourself in any belief system or person who reinforces our own opinions (actually those of the WIC & PP), OR who promises rescue, privilege, salvation or status
WE
• make snap judgments, are insecure, defensive – which is covered up either by being totally self-effacing or puffing ourself up all the time
• need to please everyone, in exchange for safety & gratification, doing ‘nice’ things for others only to have an advantage, so are rarely emotionally honest
• are prone to intense attachments or enmeshments (symbiosis), always dependent on someone else, when a reasonable amount of self-reliance should be present as an adult.
NOTE : This does not apply to temporary dependency caused by present-day trauma or major illness.

NEXT : Emotional Immaturity (Part 3)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN –
everything’s not about ME?

PREVIOUS: Accessing Es

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

Fundamentally, most people are being run by a combination of their bad parent & the WIC. This of course applies to all unhealed ACoAs & addicts, whether in Recovery or not, before doing deep FoO work. How these 2 ego states are expressed is determined by how our inborn nature reacts with the specific environment (family & culture) each of us grew up in.

Much of this blog is about the ways ACoAs express this immaturity.
☁︎ For some, our psychological & emotional under-development is noticeable to observers. Not believing in ourself, we live in deprivation (work, living space, grooming, education, health…), like 12 yr old orphans on the street!
• But even for those of us who are highly accomplished, without an integrated True Self we’re still emotionally, psychologically & Spiritually immature. This is hard to acknowledge – after all, who’d want to admit they’re still ‘functioning’ from a childish place?

Immaturity CHARACTERISTICS

1. ATTENTION SEEKING
• fishing for compliments, & having unreasonable expectations of others
• extremely competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic & refuse to play or work if we can’t have our own way
• have a great need to get what we want, demanding immediate gratification. Feel we can’t bear to wait, even shout & command to be catered to
• secretly believe we’re somehow special, demand constant attention, sympathy & unearned respect, so can’t have satisfying relationship
• usually fake, inconsiderate, tactless & selfish, not looking beyond ourself – the child’s delusion that the world revolves around it

2. CONTROLLING
• act pushy & inappropriately whenever feeling out of control
• can’t stand others having needs & wants different from ours
• try to force others to be just like ourself, or our ideal
• want the whole world to be safe for ourself, so try to make everyone & everything conform to our view of what’s right & wrong

3. EMOTIONALLY UNEVEN
• can be pleasant as long as things go our way, then suddenly explode with anger over a trivial (but not to us) remark or incident.  Others don’t know how to be around us, never knowing how we’ll react
• don’t handle criticism well (over-react), take every slight as a personal attack, take ourself too seriously
WE
• find it very hard to forgive (let go of) slights & hurts. Either keep throwing it in someone’s face, or withdraw without explanation
• are easily frustrated. If things don’t go our way, demand that others change, or refuse to participate further. Can have temper tantrums, prolonged pouts & rapid mood shifts
• are prone to jealousy & envy – may wish bad things on other who seem / are more fortunate
WE
• regularly feel like we’re going to lose control (& often do) & are afraid of change
• lack ability to be emotionally neutral toward others – are either irrationally negative (antagonistic) or blindly positive (idealistic & undeservedly loyal)
• find it hard to successfully manage Es during or after a crisis – either fall apart or become physically or emotionally distant, especially during a confrontation
• project our Shadow side onto others & then judge them harshly

4. NOT DEPENDABLE
• are generally unreliable, often late, not doing what we say we’ll do, letting people down (with lots of ready excuses)
• our life is chaotic & impulsive, making us unpredictable & ‘difficult’
• only focus on our own gain or loss, so have a hard time with integrity
• regularly promise things we can’t or don’t want to do, so constantly disappoint

PS: The toxic roles of Hero, Martyr or Co-dependent may make us seem ‘strong’ & responsible, but compulsive over-doing, placating, & people-pleasing are to the detriment of self-care & the true needs & feelings of others!

5. NOT RESPONSIBLE
• are convinced other people’s actions cause our lack of ability or poor performance
• avoid or deny having financial, work & relationship problems
• can become defensive or antagonistic if others point out any part we played in our troubles
• don’t have a realistic view of ourself, & can’t take in or use constructive criticism
• don’t own our part in bad situations, re. our problems with others
• make bad choices, or none at all
• rely on others for care and protection, being superficial & thoughtless

NEXT : Immaturity, #2