out of control

Anger MYTHS – False (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

anger creature -2

IT’S VERY IMPORTANT
to deal with anger as it comes up

PREVIOUS: Anger Myths –
FALSE (#1)

SITE: “Why we shout in anger” – a Hindu teaching


ANGER
⚡️is an uncontrollable natural force, so can’t be reined in
False: Many people believe that once they’re angry they can’t influence it (“I can’t control my anger – it’s just who I am”) & therefore have to let it ‘run its course’. Not so.
While we don’t always have control of an external situation, no one can make us FEEL or BEHAVE in a certain way. Anyone can learn to be in charge of their reaction – via the Healthy Adult. It’s a skill set, like shooting a basketball or learning a new language. Practice, practice, practice!

⚡️is something that happens to us
False: Anger, as well as all other emotions, are our biochemical responses to events, & then may or may not be expressed as actions. Sometimes it feels like a physical impulse that’s out of our control – because it’s erupting from the unconscious, like a lightning strike. However, it is in fact energy that comes from us, rather than happening to us – triggered by our thoughts – inside (about ourselves) or from outside re. PPT (about others)

⚡️is only a problem when expressed (at all)
False: Only about 10% of people act out their anger inappropriately, & they are the visible ones – the squeaky wheels who get everyone’s attention.
Almost everyone else either suppresses it (“I don’t want to talk about it!”) or represses it altogether (“I’m not angry – really!”). Both groups need anger management classes just as much as the ‘ragers’.

ANGER
⚡️always leads to aggression / some form of violence
False: It may seem to be true if we were raised with one or more rage-aholics, & if we then also have chosen to stay with ragers as adults.
BUT healthy people have learned productive ways of processing & channeling their anger, so it never leads to being self-destructive or abusive to others.

Of course, chemicals (alcohol/ drugs/ some medicines, even food allergies…) can generate anger & set off a compulsion to be nasty, either because the cognitive brain isn’t in charge OR if we haven’t learned to recognize the symptoms of rage or how to handle them

⚡️increases as we get older
False: It’s the other way around – as people age, they report fewer difficult/ painful / intense emotions, & greater emotional control. People – like wine & cheese – do tend to improve with age. Research shows that the angriest people are 14 yrs old boys!
EXCEPTION : We’ve all seen or heard of crabby / nasty old men & women, but they’ve always been that way!

⚡️ is not a ‘problem‘ IF we don’t sound / look angry
False: Anyone who does not understand & appreciate the potential value of anger will have a problem with it. There are ways to tell if someone has hidden anger/rage, even when they don’t admit to it – by holding themseld stiffly, always being fearful, being overly nice, being paranoid, jealous, deny angercontrolling….
(see posts: “Passive-aggressive anger” // Secretly angry ‘nice people’)

ANGER
⚡️is best dealt with by stuffing it 
False: Some of us think that learning to control our anger means having to always hold it in. WRONG. Instead, we need to be able to recognize when we’re angry, & learn how best to express it. Healthy adults don’t stock-pile emotions the way we had to as kids.  (Post: “Low-level anger“)

⚡️ is only a ‘problem’ for certain types
False: All types of people experience anger – truck drivers, college professors, physicians, housewives, grandmothers, lawyers, geniuses, siblings, policemen, career criminals, poor people, millionaires, children, the elderly, clergy, people of any color / nationality / religion….. Anger is a universal emotion!

⚡️ is all about getting even
False: Getting-even-anger can be about revenge/payback, about wanting fairness, or childish tit-for-tat. But there are many other reasons for our anger, such as letting off steam over accumulated frustrations, asserting authority or independence, to protect against feeling vulnerable or used to cover up fear we may not even admit to. However, the main one is to protect ourselves from abuse. (Post: “Retaliatory anger“)

NEXT: Anger MYTHS T & F (Part 1)

ACoAs & TIME (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

slow time
TIME IS SUCH A DRAG!
Everything takes forever

PREVIOUS: Over-Feelers (#2)

 

REVIEW: Pre-FoO work, ACoAs are run mainly by 2 internal ego states – the WIC, who is listening to the PP. One of the signs of this is the unrealistic way many of us deal with time, and timing.
The Inner Child:
☆ IS still confused by not having been taught process, nor given age-appropriate limits by neglectful parents, which resulted in not knowing how long things take.
Now, depending on the size of a project, there may be many steps between setting a goal & achieving it, yet we don’t allow for the realistic stages of the process.
OR it:
☆ IS reacting to too many constraints imposed by controlling parents who interfered with our natural internal rhythms & time sense.
Now, we either follow the training & become rigidly time conscious, OR rebel by taking our own sweet time, OR do nothing as often as possible

1. LOST TIME
a. To our damage – years spent in S-H, with the wrong lovers, friends, jobs, apartments, the wrong neighborhood or city for us, still involved with abusive &/or uncaring family members….
In Recovery, we need to mourn the loss of time stolen by living in our False Selflosing time

b. Dissociating 
♢ from anxiety. ACoAs are fear-based, which is backlogged from childhood. When faced with any situation that pushes a button or bumps an old wound, we may temporarily ‘go blank‘ & lose track of time, for a few minutes, or much longer.

EXP: Janie desperately wanted to study fine art, but couldn’t afford it. She had to work in an office, which didn’t suit her temperament & where she was not liked. At some point she was reprimanded for always being late. Trying to change that, the next day she got up 30 minutes earlier & started her ‘automatic’ morning routine BUT found herself standing in the middle of her room – completely blank – not knowing what to do next. Eventually she snapped out of it & finished getting ready, but by then knew she’d be late – again!  Her unconscious had sandbagged her – she clearly didn’t want to be going to that job.

♢ lost time from ADD, dyslexia…. Many ACoAs have learning disabilities. This does NOT indicate intellectual deficiency – on the contrary, it usually correlates with high intelligence, but creates varying degrees of difficulty in learning, communicating, & dealing with time accurately

• Keep in mind that many ACoA characteristics mimic ADD symptoms in adults. They’re both caused by stress & affect the brain, but ADD is genetic, so treatment is different for the 2 problems. The healthier we get emotionally, the more we can tell the difference. In recovery, the ACoA symptoms will diminish or disappear, while the ADD ones will not, which need the right medication & some behavior-mod training

2. WASTED TIME
Many ACoAs don’t know what to do with chunks of free time:wastw time
• too much anxiety – from perfectionism, toxic rules, fear of commitment & decision-making, avoiding disappointment, fear of risk…
• not self-motivated (Autonomy & Attachment, Part 2)
• wanting to do too many things at once, so don’t choose anything, puttering around, not accomplishing much
• too tired from all the daily stress we put ourselves under so need to veg out but then feel gypped, frustrated, angry at ourselves…

▪️ REQUIREMENTs for growth : a willingness to break some Toxic Rules, like the ones listed in “Part 1, 2a”
• Plan ahead, write on a monthly or weekly calendar things you can schedule ahead.
Stick to your plans, whenever possible, & notice how it feels afterwards. When things don’t work out, try something different
• Make a list of activities you’d like to do or might like to try – during ‘free time’, & when the time comes (weekends?) look at it when you can’t think of anything to do OR you have too many options
• Fun time is NOT about priorities. You don’t have to know what to do FIRST! Just pick something you know you like & focus on enjoying it.

NEXT: ACoAs & TIME (Part 2)

What is Self-Control ? (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

head or heart

I CAN CHOOSE TO DO THINGS
that are good for me & are suited

PREVIOUS: Types of Self-control (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

Control is about POWER – to make someone do or be what we want. When applied to ourselves – that power can be used either –
• as a defense mechanism to deny our pain, which is debilitating & destructive, OR
• to heal & nurture ourselves, & express our best to the world

Healthy Self-MANAGEMENT (S-M) is not limiting or rigid, providing the stamina to keep going & the ability to handle stresses with flexibility. It relies on the same willpower as rigid self-control, but uses it to:
a. prevent ourself from doing what is unsuitable & harmful, OR
b. delay pursuing instant gratification & pleasure, in favor of some greater gain or for more satisfying results at a later time

VALUE of S-M. It allows us to:
a.  • obey legitimate rules & laws
• avoid talking or acting impulsively
• overcome procrastination & sloth
• not give in to addictions & other self-destructive patterns
b. continue & finish internal or external projects, even after the initial rush of enthusiasm has faded, or when they get too boring or too hard

Having S-M means WE:
• are in present-day reality, which includes owning our adult abilities, acquired knowledge & useful experiences
• can stay centered & act according to our own mind
• have self-respect as a Healthy Adult, especially in our thinking
• know our rights, our options & what’s actually possible (not fantasy/ illusion)
• make declarative statements & ask for our needs – in the right place
• use that info to practice setting boundaries, with ourselves & others

HEALTHY GOAL
🔸To run our own life, rather than someone else’s, & not have someone Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 8.11.47 AMelse run ours, we must be our own Motivator, which is not selfishness but the opposite of co-dependence.

Being responsible for our own life also includes :
🔹AA Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over____” other People, Places & Things
🔹AA Step 3: “…turn our will & our lives over to the care of God….

Having choices does fit with the Serenity Prayer:  “God grant me:
1. the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
2. the courage to change the things I can
3. and the wisdom to know the difference”

ACoAs are too long on negative self-discipline & short on healthy self-control, which is available by developing the “Unit”. At first the first category may seem like a good thing – because it’s supposed to keep us from doing actual bad or wrong things (which it can also do) – but that’s not the main way we use it

What ACoAs often do, instead, is to prevent ourselves from pursuing what we were taught to be UN-desirable T.E.As, but are in fact many positive ones DIS-allowed by our Toxic Family Rules.
EXP : Thinking for ourselves, having opinions, standing up for our rights, Leaving bad situations, following our bliss, Feeling our emotions, relaxing, being happy ….

✶ However, just because we start out as under-dogs, doesn’t mean we can’t WIN – over our damage, over our pain, over others trying to control us! Being empowered can be every ACoA’s goal, deciding for ourselves, from an inner place of certainty & serenity.
😠 And for those of us who don’t like the word CONTROL – we can say: being in charge, living in our Adult Ego state, taking responsibility, being our own motivator!….

So, how in charge are you of your life – actions, career, emotions, health, home, finances, relationships, work life…..?
Based on many studies, including Fujita (2008), correcting CDs , our self-defeating way of thinking, can enhance the ability to be in charge of ourself, keep our focus & have better self-care.

• Reasonable adults respect others who are in control (C) of themself & their life. Being respected is one of our many rights – the opposite of being shamed .  As we develop & honor our True Self, we will be respected by others more often if we consistently handle what WE CAN, as in line 2 of the Serenity Prayer, & relinquish / let go of the demand to control what we do not have to power to do.

NEXT: Types of Self-Control (Part 3)

What is Self-Control ? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

in control
WHO MOTIVATES ME – Others or myself?

PREVIOUS: Let go of Controlling -#3

POSTs: Personal Responsibility
☆ The UNIT: Healthy Adult, Loving Parent


Self-Control 101 (Normal)
Events or Thoughts —-> lead to —-> Emotions
Emotions ——-> lead to ——> Beliefs
Beliefs ——-> lead to ——> Decisions
Decisions ——-> lead to ——> Actions
Actions —> lead to —> Rewards or Consequences

Def. of CONTROL, from the dictionary: to direct, command, exercise authority over -OR- to hold back, curb, restrain —> oneself or others.

PURPOSE of Self-Control (SC)
To gain a present reward or reach a delayed gratification
OR delay, reduce or eliminate punishment
DEF: ☀︎ to hold in check or curb (the WIC & PP ?)
☀︎ to exercise restraint or direction over something or someone
☀︎ to eliminate or prevent the spread of something (our damage ?)

ACoAs – Healthy S-C is very hard to achieve as long as:S-H
• the WIC is the ego state in charge of our daily emotions, actions & reactions
• we obey the Toxic Rules, suppressing our True Self
• externally, we stay symbiotically attached to our family
• internally, we continue to obey the Negative Introject (PP)

SELF-CONTROL (S-C) is about harnessing our willpower to accomplish things that are generally regarded as desirable & highly valued by society, including long-term goals. As adults, we’re held responsible for our thoughts, emotions & actions (T.E.A.) to the extent that it’s within our power, which is not always possible.

• People are born with varying degrees of tolerance for routine vs. change, patience vs boredom, social vs private interactions…. but the need for S-C applies to everyone. However,
it’s harder for us to maintain it IF we’re in the wrong environment, where others are not also willing to govern themself. (MORE…)

Healthy families help their children to grow this skill as part of their over-all training.  In adults – developing S-C requires a lessening anxiety, & is motivated by a conflict-free desire to stop harming ourselves or others. Practice & perseverance are required, but it gets skillseasier with repetition.
S-C :
✱ is not an inborn character trait that would automatically allow us to govern our thoughts, emotions & behavior.
✱ is a skill developed through education, social interaction & conditioning
✱ is built up by the process of ‘stalling, distracting & resisting’ negative urges
✱ is quite complex. It requires that we stay awake so our functioning is based in the present, not from trauma & Toxic Rules
S-C
✱ is internal mastery – by monitoring thoughts, regulating emotions, setting goals & making responsible choices. This allows us to moderate competing activities, desires & urges
✱ implies the ability to make choices & decisions that benefit ourselves, & then others. This requires honoring who we are – our abilities & experience, needs, preferences & tastes

✱ is an important part of a cluster of internal resources (core character, courage, determination, faith, endurance, purpose) which do not disappear, even when tested by constant pressure or long-term deprivation
✱ requires motivation. In certain situations, such as a special celebration or an artificial psychological experiment, we may decide to briefly give up self-control for the occasion
S-C
✱ becomes self-discipline when we have to apply intentional effort.
When practiced habitually for some time, it can become a character trait
✱ becomes a way of thinking because of the cognitive processes & mental discipline needed to use SC
✱ becomes a virtue when we resists temptations in order to achieve a desired goal, & can be considered a spiritual gift when it’s the result of spiritual growth & transformation.

VALUE of Self-Control – it allows us to:
• be a responsible & trustworthy human being
• be in charge of our moods & replace negative beliefs – to keep in check self-destructive, addictive behaviors & obsessive thoughts
• eliminate feeling helpless & having to be inappropriately dependent on others
• gain self-esteem, confidence, balance, inner strength, a sense of personal mastery, & be in charge of our life
• have enough mental & emotional detachment to give us peace of mind

NEXT: Types of Self-Control (Part 2)

ARE YOU AN ACoA?

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,

WHY AM I THE WAY I AM?
From being raised by alcoholics,
ACoAs & other narcissist!

 

50 Qs: A Self-evaluating List for Adult-Children of alcoholics, abusers, abandoners….
Answer: Y = yes, N = no, S = some, D = don’t know

DO YOU…?….
___find that you seek out tension or crisis, & then complain about it
___become anxious around angry people or authority figures
___defend or excuse people when they abuse you, implying you deserve it
___get locked into a course of action without seeing alternatives or outcomes
___react to people & situations, instead of choosing your responses
___worry that your emotions may overpower or hurt you, or others
___tend to lie or exaggerate, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth
___find the needs & wants of others more important than your own
___prevent yourself from experiencing the joy of your successes
___frequently anticipate that situations or life won’t work out for you
___isolate yourself when problems arise, or when you ‘feel bad’hiding
___find yourself in one or more survival ‘roles’ (hero, lost child…)
___mistrust your feelings, thought, perceptions
___tend to see issues in life as B & W, right or wrong
___have a fear of abandonment, especially when criticized
___strongly criticize yourself when not being perfect
___defend or excuse people when they abuse you, implying you deserve it
___get locked into a course of action without seeing alternatives or outcomes
___react to people & situations, instead of choosing your responses
___have trouble relaxing, playing, having fun
___had trouble with close, intimate relationships
___feel responsible for the feelings & actions of others, & try to fix them
___stay in relationships even tho’ you’re being constantly hurt, neglected, lied to, manipulated, hit… not getting any of your needs met
DID YOU…?….
___fight with your family members over a parent’s drinking
___your parents make promises to you & then not keep them
___lose sleep at night due to a parent’s drinking
___take on some of the jobs or responsibilities belonging to your parents
___ever get sick, or worry a lot because of their drinking
___ever do anything to prevent your parent’s drinking
___always believe that no one knew your parents were drunks, when you were growing up
ARE YOU…?…
___able to recognize situation that you have no control over
___super responsible or super irresponsible
___unable to work thru crisis & conflict, or do you aggravate it
___seeing a pattern in your relationships similar to your family of origin
___unable to enjoy your successes & accomplishments
___afraid others may ‘find out’ you’re not good, or that you’re a fraud
___afraid of your emotions, & afraid to express them   get help
___unable to complement yourself
___ashamed of or feel guilty for being who you are
___afraid of going crazy, or becoming a bag lady or bum
___uncomfortable with your life when it’s going smoothly
___unable to ask for help, or do so apologetically
___constantly seeking approval from others
___uncomfortable with being liked, admired, approved of
___always mentally looking over your shoulder to see if you’ll be punished
___out of control with: food, chemicals, work, sex, spending, exercising…
HAVE YOU…?…
___been blaming everyone else for your life’s problems
___staunchly defended your parents’ ‘innocence’ in hurting you as a kid
___had trouble following thru on projects, or never finishing
___tried to hide the fact that your parents drank a lot, beat you or others in the family, incested you or your siblings
___concerned about your mate, children, friends’…use of chemicals
___developed fantasy beliefs about how loved ones may treat you some day
___considered what ‘normal’ is, & believe you’re not
___found yourself sabotaging your success & then feeling ‘more alive’
___been loyal to others (parents, siblings, lovers, children, friends, employers) – even tho’ your loyalty was undeserved, unjustified, un-returned
___been fired more than once & never really understood why
___* learned to have dialogues with your ‘inner child’, & consistently take care of yourself in loving ways ?
♥                            ♥                            ♥
IF you’re even taking this test, it’s likely you come from a damaged, angry, abusive, traumatic, neglected, unhappy backgroundanswers
TOTALS:   ____Yes   ____ No   ____ Some  ____ Don’t Know
IF you answered YES to:
✶ 10-20, you’re either not an ACoA, in denial or in long-term recovery
✶ 20-30, you’re a co-dependent, even if there was no alcoholism in the family
✶ 30 or more, you’re definitely an ACoA (adult-child of alcoholics and other narcissists), which includes mentally ill &/or narcissistic family members

• If you said NO to Qs in the ‘DID YOU…’ section, but still scored high, there may be alcoholism/ drug addiction in some other part of your family, even if you didn’t experience it directly
• You may also be an active addict, yourself – alcohol/ drugs, food, money, sex, relationships…

Look thru this blog (2010 – 2016) and go to Heal & Grow SITE MAP – for info covering issues in this questionnaire at: http://www.acoarecovery.com

• If you are not yet in Recovery from your childhood trauma & present day difficulties, you can seek out 12-step Programs. THEY’RE BASICALLY FREE, & are available on the internet & by phone, for anyone not able to get to these meeting in person.  See pg 55 or some of the 12-step groups.

• Also, there are many recovery books, site, blogs & of course therapy, with someone very familiar with ACoA / addiction issues.
✶  If you are in Recovery, keep up the good fight. It pays off! I know because I’ve been at it for 35 yrs, & it works.

NEXT: Variations of the L.L.