12-step

ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 2b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

child in chargePREVIOUS: Manipulating OURSELVES (#2a)

DEF: Con / conning – to persuade by deception, cajolery…..

POSTs: Negative Benefits
• Emotions & the Body
• Dealing with the PP (healing)

 

REVIEW
It’s important to remember that we all have an Inner Parent, but for us as ACoAs & addicts, one part of this Ego State (voice) is usually contemptuous & cruel, while another part may be kindly but weak, both sides neglectful in important ways.

“Introjections involve attitudes, behaviors, emotions & perceptions that are usually gathered from influential or authoritative people in one’s life. They are neither digested nor analyzed, they’re simply adopted as a part of one’s personality as concepts that one considers should be believed or behaviors that one thinks ought to be followed.” (MORE…..)

Except for psychotics / sociopaths / malignant narcissists, the super-ego (Introject) provides an endless self-policing process, to reinforce family restrictions long after the original authority is changed, unavailable or gone.

• Object Relations Theory : D. W. Winnicott said that when we use the defense mechanisms of projection or introjection …. we (temporarily) hand over omnipotence to another person, letting them be our manager – even tho’ they may never be aware of it!

A classic example of Introjection is Butters Stotch, in SOUTH PARK, who seems to have completely internalized his alcoholic father’s frequent use of grounding as a punishment.

INNER CHILD : WIC’s manipulation
As laid out in other posts (ACoAs & S-H), the WIC is so used to having to do everything itself, with little or no resources & info, that it believes it still has to be that way – even tho’ it’s terrified & full of self-loathing. What an awful double bind!

Originally, being in a powerless situation as children we got a little sense of power & control by doing everything on our own AND doing without. So NOW – the WIC will try to sabotage any attempt by our healthier Voice (True Self) to be in charge, so it can stay attached to the PP!

Re. the OUTSIDE
 A-P-CThe WIC cons us about our dealings with the whole world, especially at work :
• that showing up/ being visible always means that we’ll be judged
• that we have to work extra hard & do the impossible to not get fired
• that we have to know everything, or we’ll be humiliated
• that being ‘perfect’ is the only way we’re allowed to live
• that we have to give others whatever they want so they won’t leave ….

FALSE : ALL forms of self-conning are lies! We need to regularly remind the WIC that he/she —
• is NOT the one who is supposed to work, that’s only for the adult part of us
• is NOT seen by other adults, they only see us the grown-up
• is NOT responsible for the company’s agenda, the demands of bossed, the plight of co-workers…..
• is NOT supposed to be in charge of every-day functioning. That’s the job of the UNIT – Healthy Adult/ Loving Parent.he world.

Re. our INSIDE: The WIC cons us with Self-Hate, to not have to be our own motivator & be in charge of our life –
• I’m stupid, stupid, bad, bad, wrong, wrong, weak, weak…..
• I don’t know how to do anything, & too dense to learn
• No one loves me, and no one ever will
• I can’t love anyone, I don’t know how to connect
• No one is safe & I can’t trust anyone
ANDS-H results
• No one will ever help me or be there for me
• I’d be better off dead, they’d be happier
• I’m boring, in the way, too much trouble
• I’ll never safe, happy, have my dreams
• I don’t have a right to ….
• If I let go of them I’ll die -OR- they’ll die! AND when they do die I’ll actually die as well (symbiosis)
• I wouldn’t recognize a healthy person if I fell over them
• I have to rescue them. I’ll do anything to make them feel better, not feel abandoned, stop drinking, be happy…..

NEXT: Manipulating OURSELVES (Part 2c)

ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 2a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

heart-conned

PREVIOUS: Manipulation & Needs (Part 1)

SITE:   8 Negative Thoughts That Manipulate Your Mind

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 


ACoAs MANIPULATING OURSELF
While we think of ourselves as victims – which we were as children BUT are no longer – we are now victimized internally by our Negative Introject as well as our damaged Adapted Child, (WIC) who desperately clings to the old ways.
Fed by the PP & constantly reinforced by the WIC, Self-Hate carries a powerful energy – to prevent us from being able to S & I, in order to have a better, more satisfying life.kid-whipped

Even in Recovery, some find it very hard to shift out of paranoia, self-destructiveness, hopelessness & procrastination. These & many other ‘character defects’ are expressions of our WIC, who is looking for parents to take care of her/him,
& is adamantly opposed to having our own positive UNIT be that caretaker! (inner parent & adult). In truth, the WIC only wants the original parents – to love us unconditionally.

A kids in our most vulnerable years, we were continually around addicts, abusers, neglectors – who were Wounded Children themselves. So we had no choice but to absorb their distorted view of us, themselves & the world. Most of what they passed on to us are manipulations – anything to not look at themself or take responsibility for their words & actions. Sadly, we are doing exactly the same thing – which many of deny & are insulted at the very suggestion.

WIC-PP allianceProgram & others Personal Growth modalities tell us that all Recovery & emotional maturity is “an inside job”, yet many of us keep focusing outside of ourself. So, while we only think of Manipulation as something done to others, for us as ACoAs, the most intense manipulation is internal, coming from the PP who controls the WIC.
In turn, this ego-state is constantly trying to convince our weak Rational Adult Self of what the PP is saying. The PP is especially loud when we try to take the power away from it – to take care of ourself with boundaries, by loving our Inner Child (wounded & healthy parts) in all the ways our original family never did or could.

PP’s Manipulation (Negative Introject)
Everything the WIC believes now originally came from the important * influential people we grew up with. Now the PP is in our head, continuing the barrage of lies. To keep us attached to the Toxic family system, it uses every dirty trick in the book to paralyze us.  It’s made up of the ‘us/we’, a composite of the original adults who programmed our thinking & outlook on life.
It tells the WIC :
• it was never that bad, you’re just being a drama queen/king
• you’re crazy, over-reacting, too sensitive
• you don’t know what you’re talking about
• you can’t do it without us, you’re too weak
ANDStep on the WIC
• WE NEED you, only WE count, we’re suffering
• you don’t really feel that way
• you’ll be sorry when we’re gone
• you’re ungrateful – look at everything we’ve done for you
• you owe us, we did the best we could

PROBLEM – We are Physically an Adult, but IF still emotionally immature :
1. We believe the WIC & PP’s manipulative lies, so consistently, persistently do not object nor counter the distortions they’re selling, perpetuating our S-H

2. In reality we do have intuition, we’ve accumulated a great deal of knowledge & experiences, had moments of clarity, have very real choices & opportunities…. which the WIC ignores, forgets or completely negates

3. There have been a few people who have helped us along the way, we have had a few pleasurable moments, there have been a few opportunities to heal & grow, but we undervalue or deny them completely! And for some us – there have been more than a few. Yet we let the underlying Toxic Messages keep winning.

NEXT: Manipulating OURSELVES (Part 2b)

ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 1)

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controling manipulatorPREVIOUS: Type of Answers

SITE: “Steve Jobs” – biography by Walter Isaacson  & Commentary by Dave Smith

See ACRONYMS for abbrev.


DEFs : Manipulation (M) is made up of a series of statement &/or actions, always indirectly trying to &/or succeeding in get one’s needs/wants met, in round-about ways

Normal – must be used sparingly, & only when there is no other legitimate option. When used for good, it can be used  to help others or a worthy cause, but even when well-intended, for M to be effective the focus always targets people’s weakness

Unhealthy  – Because M is never straightforward, it’s hard to spot, especially when used by an experiences & skilled perpetrator, for strictly selfish reasons (narcissistic).
The subtle control of M can easily be overlooked or denied – our awareness buried under obligation, love, guilt, fear of abuse, FoA & long-term exposure

Severe – A perpetrator / bully forcefully controls another person or group who feel or actually are powerless to resist to satisfying the manipulator’s ‘sick’ needs (child, battered spouse, sex slaves, gang members, war victims….)

PURPOSE – ACoAs, addicts & other wounded people use M. :
• to try getting needs/wants met by underhanded tactics, to extract from other PPT something they may or not want to give
• OR try to force PPT (person, group, environment) to provide something we need/want which they actually do not have to give
mental fitness pyramid• AND which in many cases we can provide for ourself, OR could find a more direct way of obtaining something we lack – from appropriate sources

Re. NEEDS 
Without deep FoO work we compulsively, slavishly insist on reinforcing unhealthy childhood patterns.
This insures that we stay deprived the same ways we were back then.
🔸 Normal needs
a: which EVERYONE has, & which we can’t get rid of because they’re fundamental to being human
b: specific to YOU, based on your native personality
PTSDEXP: need to be/live near water, or other outdoor nature // to be artistic/creative // to be orderly/organized….
c. AND to some degree your specific needs in response to repeated harmful childhood events & severe trauma
EXP: — need to live in one location for the rest of one’s life after moving 10-20 times as kid
— need to not be around crazy/angry people – at all, ever!
— need for a great deal of predictability, from early chaos, or neurodivergence (autism, ADD, dyspraxia….)

🔹 Unhealthy ‘needs’ / compulsive desires TO —
• always be one-up on others, to show off, to act superior
• always inappropriately be the center of attention
• grab & hang on to position, power, status…. at any cost to others or oneself
• hang on to negative thinking & actions, believing it’s ‘safe’  so we don’t have to face the pain underneathsqueeze my brain
TO
• keep chasing people who don’t want to connect with us, & always finding the one person in the group who will reject us
• keep trying to fix other people, especially those who don’t want to change/grow/improve- OR don’t need our help
• keep using addictions (sex, food, spending, internet, chemicals….) 
• please & be approved of by parents who can’t be pleased
• stay in unhappy, unsuitable or abusive relationships, jobs…. from fear of abandonment & disobeying Toxic Rules

MANIPULATION
General:  serving a hidden agenda, to coerce others into giving in. Perpetual manipulators present themself as strong & in control. Underneath – there is insecurity with a deep sense of powerlessness to get their needs met – directly, which they never admit to. They can’t connect to or keep healthy, loving relationships
influencevs Influence
In general, used on others to advance a goal, a mark of normal social interactions a way to Personally. used to function effectively in the world, by direct & honest communication, recognizing the integrity, boundaries & rights of others, including the right to not go along with someone’s attempted persuasion

B invadevs Boundaries (Bs)
Knowing our Rights & personal Needs so well that we can set Bs by telling others what’s acceptable & what’s not – for ourself. Like Influence, it’s also direct, but a way of getting our needs met without depending on other people’s help or co-operation. Comes from having permission to provide for oneself, & having access to choices

vs Personality Disorders (PDs)
In PDs, manipulation is a defensive style permeating a person’s every interaction, even tho’ they may hide their true intention, & act in ways that look ‘normal’, which in itself is a manipulation.

NEXT : Manipulating OURSELVES (Part 2a)

TYPES of ANSWERS

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answer types I’M MUCH LESS CONFUSED
when I know what kind of answers I’m hearing

PREVIOUS: Types of Qs (Part 1d)

QUOTES: “You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions” ~ Naguib Mahfouz, Egyptian writer

“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ~ George Carlin


3 WAYS to RESPOND
3 ways to answ.UGLY – not responding at all.
• ‘Legitimate’ only if protecting yourself or someone important to you, a legal matter or matter of national security.
• Uncomfortable – not responding when asked an impertinent, rude or sensitive Qs

BAD – forcing the person asking the Q to work hard to figure out what your answer actually is. It’s not getting to the point, making things too complicated, or leaving out vital info…. which leaves the listener confused, uncertain & frustrated – even if they finally figure out what the point was.

GOOD – making clear, declarative statements right away.
Especially in business settings, the most effective type of answer summarizes the bottom line succinctly first, and then gives supporting or background information if needed.

Response CATEGORIES
• Direct Info (“I won’t be able to go with you on Wednesday”)
• Yes (“Yes, I do need to know what time you’re leaving…”)
• No (“No, I don’t understand what you’re asking…”)
• Maybe/ I’m not sure (“I might not be able to finish that in time…”) .
TIP : if MAYBE, it’s good to continue with (“…but what I do know is…”)

PROCEDURE for Answering
• Ask for clarification if you don’t understand the Q posed to you
• Ask questioner if they understood your answer. Don’t be afraid to clarify or repeat your point
• Be positive,  say how you feel, or mention your skills & accomplishments
• Consider any Q an opportunity to provide information about yourself
• Pause a couple of seconds before responding, even if you know exactly what you want to say, to put your thoughts in order – to be clear & avoid misunderstandings

RESPONDING to :
💁🏽‍♀️ Qs of Fact or Procedure
Their purpose is to gather/share knowledge, & answers are a matter of rule, requiring evidence & reasoning. FACTS: rely on evidence & witness proof – of what, who, where.  PROCEDURE : governed by rules, steps, official guidelines   Either answers are in Right or Wrong form.
types of responses🤷🏽‍♂️ Qs of Judgment
They require you to weigh multiple factors, apply logic, & choose the most reasonable or ethical action based on a specific event or situation.  They can show how you use safety rules, & good sense to solve tough work problems. Or they can involve expressing moral or spiritual choices.
Because Qs of J tend to cause debate to identify best solution, answers must be based on evidence & reasoning from multiple viewpoints. There are no single correct answers, only Better & Worse ones
🙋 Qs of Preference
Answers indicate one’s likes, styles or options. so are subjective, since the purpose of these Qs is to elicit personal opinions & tastes & so have no single factual answer (Dr. L. Elder & Dr. R. Paul)

* * * * * * * *
MAIN TYPES of Answers
🔹 AVOIDING
Used when asked a ‘difficult’ or sensitive Q that would reflect badly on the responder or their ‘party’.  Tactics include answering a Q with a Q, drawing attention to some positive feature of the topic, or totally changing the subject… especially used by politicians

🔹 DIRECT & HONEST
This is what the questioner is looking for when asking a Q. Usually given in declarative sentences.  “Keep it simple —”

🔹 DISTORTING
Sdistorted answ.Different from lying, Answers change, twist or misrepresent facts – eliminating True Reality. Often based on the responder’s ‘understanding’ of social norms, stereotypes & bias, which leads to prejudice, or exaggerations that seem ‘normal’ or are successful. Can be from Cognitive Distortions = negative & irrational thought patterns 

🔹 LYING
Ultimately a form of protection, no matter how unnecessary, ‘unhealthy’ or harmful. A questioner / listener may be able to pick up on a lie – based on how plausible the answer is, but also on non-verbal communications used immediately before, during &/or after the answer being given.

🔹 OUT of CONTEXT
The respondent will say something totally unconnected or irrelevant to the Q, or try to change topics. An answer may seem ‘logical’ to them because first they’ve silently processed it in their head,  but only verbalize the end result.
So the answer won’t make sense to the questioner. However, if the issue is important enough – they have to bring the responder back to the original point – by repeating or rewording the Q.

🔹 PARTIAL – providing some correct or relevant info, without competing the whole ‘story’. Seen in partial-credit class, surveys to save partial data, or when information is limited. ALSO – when someone only wants to give incomplete info about themself or a sensitive topic.

scary Qs🔹 REFUSING – The person deliberately refuses to respond, either by remaining silent, declining a request “I won’t…”, invoking their legal right such as taking “the 5th”, or simply saying, ‘I’m not answering that’.

🔹 STALLING – Although similar to Avoiding, it’s deliberately  used when more time is needed to stay calm during a hard conversation or test, or figure out an acceptable or safe answer.  May stall by answering the Q with another Q.

NEXT: Manipulating (Part 1)

TYPES of Questions (Part 1d)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS:
Types of Qs #1c

<— MORE either-or Qs

QUOTE: “Usually it’s the things you don’t know or don’t want to know that cause you the most trouble.”


TYPES of Questions – Subsidiary (cont)
…. Planning // Provocative // Probing

REQUESTING
🔎 Qs that can invite someone to ask questions. (“Let me know what you need to do this project.”

It’s also used to gain specifically permission, or to get help :  • “Would you lend me $20?” // “Can I have that last piece?” // “May I leave the room?”
• “Can I take my holiday from 12/12 to 1/12?”
• “How do I find a cab?” // “Where do I go?”

RHETORICAL
🔎 Qs that don’t require an answer, & can be in various forms. It’s often
used by public speakers to get the audience to think. (“Who doesn’t hope to stay healthy in their old age?”), or a comedian engaging the audience (“do I…. or is it just me?”)

It can be used to make a point, show off the questioner’s knowledge, or corner someone in an argument. The questioner is not looking for an answer, since they already knows it, but have an alternative motive (“What time do you call this?” // “Why are you so stupid?” // “Are you kidding me?)
Qs can be in the form of the Disguised Imperative – which highlights a demand, & usually requires an action rather than an answer. (“Do we wear our muddy shoes in this house?” // “Are you really going to wear that tie?”)

sifting QsSORTING / SIFTING
Qs that allow us to manage the large & sometimes confusing amount of info available, culling & keeping only what’s pertinent & useful. They’re a way to organize, categorize or rank mixed items into a logical sequence, priority or group.  Relevancy is the main criterion that determines what’s saved & what’s ignored (“How much of what you told me actually happened / is really important?”)

STRATEGIC
🔎 Qs that focus on ways to Make Meaning – What’s known, What if… So what… . When researching a subject, they’re raised during the actual hunting, gathering, inferring & synthesizing of info. Along with Planning Qs, the researcher must use a variety of tools & strategy while working in unfamiliar territory (“What do I do next? What thinking tool is most apt to help me with this problem?”)

TELLING
🔎 Qs can be ✔️ disguised statements or leading prompts where the speaker has a the point they want to get across, pushing the listener to a specific conclusion, tests compliance, or subtly gives an instruction.(“What are your plans to fix this issue?”)

✔️ Qs used in conversation & linguistics – prompts designed to elicit extended stories, accounts, or explanations rather than brief one-word answer. To guide thinking, spark self-reflection & uncover personal answers. (“Tell me all about….”)

✔️ Qs used in research to sift thru’ data & unearth specific illuminating facts.  Built with such precision that they provide sorting & sifting during the gathering or discovery process – to find only the very specific evidence required, or those facts that throw light on the main issue (“ Based on crime rates, property tax rates, employment possibilities & housing conditions, which of the 3 cities X.Y.Z. would you choose to live in?”

UNANSWERABLE
silent Qs🔎 Qs that serve like boundary stones, helping to tell us when we’ve pushed insight to its outer limits – like “what happens after death, why anything exists, & which came first” (“What existed before the big bang?”).
When exploring Essential Qs (most are ultimately unanswerable) we may have to settle for just “shining a light” on them. The Truth may never be found, but may extend the level of understanding & reduce the intensity of the darkness (“What is God? // How soon can I let go of my pain / will I ever get well…. ?”)

   🤲🏼 Combine OPEN Q with 🔇 SILENCE
Knowing when to be quiet, when to let the other person pause before continuing to ask.
It gives them a chance to reflect, with time to offer any additional thoughts that surface. It’s especially useful when wanting to encourage deep meaningful communication from someone.
However, to get the most out of a conversation it’s important to reassure them that your silence is not pressure to ‘perform’ or to have the ‘right’ answer – just to give them ‘space’.

NEXT: Answers (#1)

TYPES of Questions (Part 1c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

5 simple Qs

ASKING Qs THE RIGHT WAY
is a way of respecting someone

PREVIOUS: Types of Qs (Part 1b)

SITE: “Mutual Inquiry: 8 Steps to Deepen & Shift Thinking”

QUOTE: “Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”  ― Shannon L. Alder


TYPES of Questions – Subsidiary (cont) …. Informational // Inventive // Irrelevant  // Irreverent

LEADING
🔎 Qs that are phrased in such a way that sets a person up to answer the way the questioner wants – to agree with their point of view or point the listener in a certain direction. It’s not always done deliberately but is an easy trap to fall into.  EXP: “How much do you think this investment will grow?” indirectly implies that it will grow, but the issue is only by how much. If the responder doesn’t catch the logic error, they’ll likely give a biased answer.leading Qs

OPEN-ended
🔎 Qs that allow for much longer responses (than Closed ones), so are potentially more creative & informative, encouraging responders to be in control of how much they say. They’re not ‘Why’ Qs, but rather ‘What or How’. These deal with unresolved issues that have not been finally determined, so ask the responder to reflect, give opinions & feelings. (“What are your personal strengths & weaknesses?”) (MORE…..)

ORGANIZING
🔎 Qs that group info into categories, forming logical structures. They find patterns & relationships among & between collected fragments of info to create meaning & understanding. Whenever new valuable info surfaces, it can be added correctly to the structure already in place. (“How can I make sense of all my confusing thoughts? // what categories do they fit into?”)

questionnaireQUESTIONNAIRE
🔎 Qs in list form, for research or survey designed to gather specific info. They have 4 basic purposes: (1)  to collect appropriate data
(2) make data compare-able & suitable for analysis (3) minimize bias in formulating & asking other Qs (4) make Qs engaging & varied (“Please fill out this Questionnaire about your dining experience”)

PLANNING
🔎 Qs that depend on a specific focus, covering a core baseline evaluation. They require thinking about how to structure the search for info, where to look for it & what resources will be needed, such as time, location, people…. It’s standing back & looking at the big picture before starting out, but also can provide a way to look ahead to identify possible obstacles & consequences (“ Who ha written the best book on this subject? // What clothes will I need for this trip? // MORE….)

PROVOCATIVE
🔎 Qs that are meant to challenge, push or throw conventional wisdom off-balance. They give free rein to doubt, disbelief & skepticism, often used in satire, parody or as an expose. These Qs are not always welcomed, they’re like the court jester whispering unpleasant truths in the king’s ear. The fool could often get away with Qs never allowed a legitimate member of the council, but he might also lose his head if the monarch took offense. (“Where’s the beef? // What’s you point?”)

probing QsPROBING
🔎 Qs that look below the surface to the heart of the matter, so that every answer leads to another one. Continually searching for more insight, the best results come from joining 3-4 relevant elements of a subject, to get something far more pointed & powerful (“Why did you want to go to the Middle East at that time”? // MORE….)

They’re best used when dealing with someone who is being evasive, or when trying to understand a deep issue. They’re usually CLOSED, looking for clarity about what someone’s saying, or good for getting to the root cause of a problem – by drilling down fast. Probing the cause of a problem may require going down several layers. Asking “WHY” after each answer – 5x – can be very revealing. Most people don’t consciously know they have deeper & deeper ‘reasons’ until asked.

NEXT: TYPES of Qs #1d

TYPES of Questions (Part 1b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Qs re MEI WANT TO FIND OUT
all I can about myself!!

PREVIOUS: Types of Qs (Part 1a)

SITE: The Incredible Power Of The Right Qs

 

TYPES of Questions – Subsidiary (Qs)
ESSENTIAL // SUBSIDIARY == Closed, Convergent, Divergent

ELABORATING
🔎 Qs that extend & stretch the meaning of info being gathered. They take straightforward (obvious) facts & see where they lead, searching below the surface to find implications in the original content (explicit –> implicit). (Reading between the lines, “what does this text really mean?”)

EVALUATIVE
🔎 Qs that determine the importance, effectiveness, or worth of something or someone. Answers usually require sophisticated levels of thinking & feeling, wasting the responder (person asked) to make evaluations & judgements based on analyzing info – at multiple levels & from different perspectives. (“What kind of a teacher was Mr Smith?”)factual Qs

FACTUAL
🔎 Qs that ask for reasonably simple, straight forward responses based on obvious facts or awareness. Usually aimed at the most basic level of thinking or feeling (“Did you go to a City College or an Ivy League School”?)

FUNNELING
🔎 Qs that channel the respondent’s answers with a series of Qs that get narrower at each step, starting with Open Qs, & ending with Closed ones, or vice-versa:
a. From SPECIFIC to BROAD (Deductive)specifics first
Starts by asking a person to remember as many specifics of a situation as possible, & then work toward more general observations (“You saw that hit-&-run accident. What can you tell me about the man & his car?”)

b. From BROAD to SPECIFIC (Inductive)general info first
Here the responder is asked for an overview of a situation, & then using the big picture, try to remember as many specific details as they can (“If everyone has the ability to learn, then why do you think you can’t?”)

HYPOTHETICAL
🔎 Qs designed to explore possibilities & test relationships. They usually project a theory or an option out into the future, wondering what might happen IF… Especially helpful when trying to decide between a number of choices, trying to solve a problem, or deciding IF hunches, suppositions or hypotheses that have any merit (“What do you think would happen of you let yourself be successful?”)

INFORMATIONAL
🔎 Qs that ‘power’ all learning, designed to gather facts, searching for info needed in a specific context, re. some aspect, concept, issue, or problem.  (“How many inches in a mile?”)
EXP : categories to focus = Day-to-Day Tasks, Career Paths, Industry Trend

INVENTIVEinventive Qs
🔎 Qs that turn findings inside out, upside down – shattering routine thinking, open up deep conversation, or fresh paths to problem solving. They adjust, alter, distort, modify & rearrange bits & pieces of info – until they produce a Eureka moment – the discovery of something brand new (“If I combine these 5 yarns, I wonder if it would make a beautiful sweater?”)

IRRELEVANT
🔎 Qs that are off-topic inquiries that don’t connect to the current discussion –  made to distract, sidetrack or divert from the task or conversation at hand. This may be a tactic to keep others off-balance, get away from a sensitive topic or protect the speaker from being caught out.They can distract from goals, create awkward moments, or test how people handle unexpected situations (“So, what were you saying about your relationship?”)
✔️However, this type of Q can also be beneficial, since the creating new knowledge almost always requires some wandering off course.
“The search for Truth requires the courage to venture out & away from the familiar & the known ….” From Moby Dick (”How can we understand the unconscious”?)

IRREVERENT
🔎 Qs that explore ideas or facts generally considered off-limits or over-the-top. maybe weird & slightly unhinged – to break the ice, defy polite convention & force people to rethink beliefs. They challenge far more than conventional wisdom, holding no respect for authority, institutions or myths, leaping over, under or through walls, rules & regulations. They are considered disrespectful, or at the very least impolite, but are often used in comedy routines (“Why is the Emperor not wearing any clothes?”)

NEXT: Types of Qs – Part 1c

TYPES of Questions (Part 1a)

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Types of Qs

 

 

I NEVER KNEW HOW MANY WAYS
there were of asking questions

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Questions (Part 4)

CHART ⬆️  based on material from http://www.edutopia.org

QUOTES: 36 Quotes from Successful People re. the Wisdom of Asking


TYPES of Questions (Qs) – mainly from the “Q Tool Kit”
Each category gives us a wider framework & clarity for the process of finding out things.
Asking is essentially about being curious. It’s the only way of accessing knowledge directly from other people, so asking the right ones, in the right way, is crucial. When approached correctly, Qs can motivate & inspire people, generate new ideas & change the perception of a problem or situation.

ACoAs rightly say we don’t know what to ask, what word to use….. No matter what the circumstance – where it’s trying to find out something from a loved one, dealing with a work issue, questions a religious doctrine or trying to unravel what our politicians are saying – it’s helpful to know what we’re trying to accomplish.. It’s also important to know which kinds of Qs may potentially get us the answers we’re looking for – and which kinds won’t!

While the following list is primarily focused on research in academic settings, it offers a variety of approaches when we’re trying to find answers or solve a dilemma in our daily life. Many of these Q types are part of the skill of a good psychotherapist.

ESSENTIALpersonal needs
These are Qs at the center of info gathering. They’re at the heart of the search for truth, probing the deepest issues confronting us, those complex & baffling matters which elude simple answers (the meaning of Birth, Death, Love, Relationships…..).  All other Qs, when used appropriately, enhance & illuminate the learning process. (EXP: “What does it mean to be a good friend? // MORE….)

SUBSIDIARY
🔎 Qs which combine to help build answers to the Essential Qs – which naturally spawn families of smaller ones – leading to insight. The more skillful we are at formulating & then categorizing these Qs, the more successful we’ll be at building new knowledge.

All of the following categories are Subsidiary types

CLARIFICATION
🔎 Qs designed to make sense of confusing or complex info. They can define words & concepts, examine the logic & continuity of a topic, & determine if an underlying assumption is valid. (“What did you mean when you said you were tired of trying?” // More….)

CLOSED
🔎 Qs that only require YES or NO answers, which can be a conversation stopper – but not necessarily. (“Are you cold?”). They can be Qs that one has to choose from a list of possible options, to identify a piece of info, to help with a new dialogue, to encourage participation, or when fact-finding.
Since answers can be True or False, context is important. “Why” Qs are good for soliciting info, but can make people defensive, so they have to be worded carefully (“Do you want to eat right now?”, as opposed to “Why are you always hungry?”)

CONVERGENT
🔎 Qs ask for standard information, such as on multiple-choice tests for intelligence. They usually start with ‘What, Where, When’ & lead to expected results. Answers that are looked for don’t require a great deal of creativity. But they emphasize speed, accuracy & logic, focusing on recognizing the familiar, re-applying techniques & accumulating stored information (“What is the second largest country in the world: A– / B–/ C– or D–? // What’s in that container?”)diverge vs converge

DIVERGENT
🔎 Also called ‘lateral thinking’, these are Qs that are used in the process of creating multiple, unique ideas or solutions related to a problem one is trying to solve. They Qs use existing knowledge as a base from which to explore territory ‘next to’ to something already known or understood, & perhaps help to avoid other people’s mistakes (“What other options do we have for saving money this month?” // How might life in the year 2100 differ from today?”)

NEXT: Types of Qs – Part 1b

ACoAs & ASKING QUESTIONS (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth


PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Qs #3

<— IMAGE from “Random Qs”

SITE: “Asking the Right Qs”
“…. is a subtle art, & everyone can benefit from improving their Questioning techniques. It’s the only way to gather knowledge from others, so asking the right Q, in the right way, is crucially important.”

 

a. FROM the WIC
b. ASKING from the ADULT – EXP:
Ina is on the bus, going home after a long painful day at the hospital. It’s crowded & she helps a lady get a seat next to her. Ina is in the mood for company, but doesn’t want to be intrusive. Intuiting that the woman is friendly, Ina quietly says: “I feel like talking. How was your day?”making connection

Her Q is well received, & they have a lovely, informative conversation for the next half hour. It turns out they have a lot in common, & the woman is happy to share her own difficult day with a sympathetic listener!

IDENTIFYING an ISSUE
What seems to be the trouble? // What do you make of _________?
How do you feel about __________?
What concerns you the most about _________?
What seems to be the problem? // What seems to be your main obstacle?
What is holding you back from _________________?
What do you think about doing X this way?

GET FURTHER INFO
🤔 To find out what someone has already done to work on or resolve a problem you know they’re dealing with
What do you mean by __________?
Tell me more about _______________ // What else?
What other ways did you try so far?
What will you have to do to get the job done?

so many QsOUTCOMES
🤔 To help with negotiating a problem, or planning how to do something
How do you want ____________ to turn out?
What do you want? // What is your desired outcome?
What benefits would you like to get out of X?
What do you propose? // What is your plan?
If you do this, how will it affect ________ ?
What else do you need to consider?

TAKING ACTIONS
What will you do? // When will you do it?
How will I know you did it? // What are your next steps?
(MORE ….. Also re. Listening. ~ Irene Leonard, Coach)

🧤    🧤    🧤

ASKING for info when trying to find out something important to you :
1. Do as much preliminary research on your own, if possible (internet….)
2. Then, ask the RIGHT people – someone who or someplace that might know what you’re looking for. Make sure to consider the complexity of the problem & the skill level of the people you want to ask

3. Don’t ask for permission unless it’s a delicate subject, the person is very busy or they’re an authority figure. If they’re busy, ask if you can come back later. If not – find another source
4. Ask directly & clearly. If the person you’re asking doesn’t know or doesn’t have time, they may redirect you to someone who can be of more help ask a lot of people

5. Ask more than one person for the same info, such as people from different walks of life, different genders , different backgrounds…. in order to get bits & pieces that may eventually lead to a whole answer, and to get a rounded perspective. It can also provide the same info from many sources, so that you can figure out what info is legitimate & what’s just someone’s point of view.

EXP: As an adult – searching for an excellent orthodontist, at a ‘reasonable’ price – Marty interviewed 5 different doctors, & collated any info that overlapped, while checking out the location & ambiance of each dental office. Then chose the one that seemed to fit his need the best.

6. Be Patient. If you’re ‘depending’ on another person for an answer or solution, it may take longer than you’d like. Many people need time to process the Qs, figure out what they know or believe & then organize their thoughts, especially if it’s a new topic.
Or they may just be busy or in a bad mood. If necessary, go away & come back later. Ask if they’re ready.  (Based on images from Deviant Art)

NEXT: TYPES OF Qs Part 1

ACoAs & ASKING QUESTIONS (Part 3)

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5 easy questions I’M LEARNING THAT
I have lots of options

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Asking Qs (#2)

SITE: “The Value of Questions” monograph by Professor B.F. Plybon

• Importance of Asking Questions – Steve Jobs

 

HEALTHY:
ASKING Qs. FROM the ADULT
On the other hand, asking Qs from the Adult Ego State (ES) means we’re fully IN present reality, interacting with the person or situation in front of us, not to someone from our past.
The Adult ES knows:
• other people are not a carbon copy of us
• we have options we didn’t have as a child
• that not everyone is as emotionally or physically dangerous as our family
• that everyone has their own personality & experience – separate & usually difference from our own
• that other adults are not responsible for taking care of us, nor are they responsible for healing our wounds – ie. not replacement parents

PURPOSE of ASKING
differencesAppropriate, clear Qs is a legitimate, normal part of good communication skills. Children ask a lot of Qs, mainly about facts, to find out about the world around them. But they also don’t have to ask for emotional needs because healthy parents know & provide those. Ours didn’t, so we don’t know we can to ask for them now.

Legitimate, healthy Qs may be a way TO:
• connect with a person you’ve been thrown together with for a short time. It cuts down on loneliness, makes you part of the larger world, you can learn something new & interesting, & you may even get unexpected help.
EXP : Sitting next to a person on a bus, or standing in line :  “How has your day been so far? “/// “That’s a great bag, Did you get that on vacation?”
TO
• find out about the other person – who they really are, instead of what we’re projecting on to them from our past, or what we want them to be
• find out HOW someone thinks / feels about a current situation
• to find out what someone has already done, or what they already know about a need, a situation or experience
• get clarity if you don’t understand something
TO
• go deeper (How do feel about that”) — OR —
• keep things LIGHT!! (“How was your vacation?”)
• respond to what they’re saying, not what we are thinking or feeling
• use the Socratic method, to help someone draw on their inner knowledge, to think thru a problem by figuring out who they are or what’s right for them….

EFFECTIVE Questioning
Re. info – there is no such thing as a stupid question – except if you aren’t interested in the answer. However, not all Qs are created equal. Different situations call for different types. Along with learning how to use Qs, effective questioning is also the ability to listen to the answer, & suspend judgment. Letting go of our preconceived needs & opinions make it possible to get the most info possible in a situation.

This requires being intent on understanding what the other person is really saying when they talk about something. What’s behind their words?
No matter how smart or experiences we may be, much of the time we’ll never guess what a person will say if we just ask “What do you mean?”

The following sets of Qs can help improve communication & understanding of anyone we want to stay connected to, whether family, friends or in business. Modify the Qs according to the situation.
1. What do you think / feel?
This Q stops the questioner from talking too much.
2. Why do you think / feel that?
Once the person shares what they think or feel, this follow-up encourages them to provide the reasoning behind their thinking/ feeling. It’s ok if it’s not “deep”. It’s still info. I wonder
3. What leads you to believe this? (How do you know this?) This Q encourages the responder to make connections between their ideas / feelings & things they’ve experienced, read & seen.
4. Can you tell me more?
Most people always have more to say, but need encouragement to ‘spill’. This Q can extend their thinking & share added evidence for their ideas
NOTE : sometimes just being quiet allows them to say more.  However,  – this works best with Extroverts. With Introverts, we do have to ask – if we’re genuinely interested
5. Do you have any questions for me?
Use a friendly tone with ALL Qs, so the person doesn’t feel attacked or pressured to give the ‘right’ answer.  (Edutopia.org)

NEXT: ACoAs & Qs #4