ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 2c)

se;f-conPREVIOUS: Manipulating OURSELVES (2b)

SITEs: How Do Alcoholics Manipulate Others?’
• “Manipulation: Why are Addicts so Good at It?

POSTS :“Weak decision styles
•  Over-controlling ourselves (1-5)
ALL post on Es in May & June 2011  and  Jan 2012  (go to Menu)


DEF: Con / conning – to persuade by deception, cajolery….

PP – The Negative Introject
• Freudian: Introjection is “The internalization of authority” – the demands & expectation of our parents, & so by extension society, which become part of our personality structure. This creates a conflict between externally imposed rules & our own repressed, socially unacceptable, desires & needs.

INNER CHILD : WIC’s manipulation (cont.)
SELF-‘conning’ is a long-standing pattern of functioning from the False Self, & both forms of sabotage (a. actions & b. emotional) come from the PP & the WIC

give up on actionsa. ACTION/practical self-con
As mentioned in other posts, even when we try to move toward a legitimate goal,
such as physical self-care, talking to the Wounded Child, going for a better job….
we may take a few steps in that direction,
& then either we hit a snag (don’t get the response we want from others…)
or we blank out, get sidetracked, feel too tired, “why bother’….& give up. ——->

So – yet again the WIC has conned us into NOT leaving ‘home’, even tho that home is now mainly in our head. It keeps us from starting or sticking to healthier ways of functioning.
TOXIC RULE: “I must always struggle but never get there”

After a few attempts we hit a brick wall & can’t go any further – but rarely know why. No matter how many times we try, it seems impenetrable, no way to break thru!
To continue toward any positive goal would mean S & I, & that can trigger terror in the kid, so much so that it prevents us from even trying to push past the resistance.

Actually getting to our goals would represent a disconnect from everything we’ve ever known. This can create a feeling of separation-anxiety, by re-experiencing our childhood sense of devastating aloneness.
AND according to the Toxic Rules, it would mean having ‘the gall to focus on ourselves’ instead of everyone else (really our parents) – which the WIC can not bear to risk.

• One reason we don’t break thru the ‘resistance wall’ is IF we haven’t developed a strong enough (or any) rapport between the WIC & our UNIT.
• Another is IF wWALL 1e don’t allow ourselves to feel, because we  haven’t learned how to cope with intense emotions. To do so would require doing a lot of emotions-release work, sharing them in the right place so we’re not alone with the pain, along with soothing & comforting the Child in ways that suit us.

The PP is so strong in us & the WIC so devoted to our early training that – in the early stages of FoO recovery – we cannot go directly toward worthwhile goals. So we need to find indirect ways to approach both — the way we talk to the WIC, & how we go about taking healthier actions (More in Part 2c)

b. EMOTIONAL self-con
Most human emotions (Es) are located in the Child Ego State, with some – the more mature ones – in the Healthy Parent, & none in the Adult state, which is more like a computer.

However, our WIC will try to avoid all Es – mainly old pain stored in our body (muscles, organs, brain chemicals…) which have not been processed out by doing trauma release work via crying, pounding, shaking…. As kids —
• we were not allowed to safely express ALL our feelings
• we never learned from family how to process Es, via ‘understanding’ & labeling them correctly
• we were not comforted or validated, so we don’t have a right to be acknowledged or soothe ourselves
• we don’t have an internal monitor that governs our reactions, which must come from the UNIT – the healthy adult & loving parent components

NEXT: Manipulating OTHERS (Part 3a)

6 thoughts on “ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 2c)

  1. Thank-you for this. I am now into my eighth year of meditation and it is helping!. Finding the chink in the wall is happening very slowly but it is happening. I am little by little learning to think in a new way. As a person with an enneagram six pattern, trusting myself and others and life is difficult, but I know something new is emerging. Bless your work.


  2. I’m so glad the blog is useful.
    Trust is crucial to feeling safe – but it’s never about trusting others – they prove themselves one way or the other. It’s only being awake to the info others give about themselves that counts – to not be in denial.
    6s are definitely focused on safety so acknowledging reality – in all it’s forms – helps provide that. Be well.


  3. Thank-you for this comment. It is excellent. I think because I have always thought it is about trusting others and so sometimes I have ‘tried’ to do so against my better judgement. What you said makes a lot of sense. I once heard that the healthy six is “Essential Wakefulness”. This has given me a deeper understanding of what it really means.


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