PREVIOUS: Manipulating OURSELVES (2b)

SITEs: ‘How Do Alcoholics Manipulate Others?’
• “Manipulation: Why are Addicts so Good at It?”

POSTS :“Weak decision styles” (1-3)
•  Over-controlling ourselves (1-5)
ALL post on Es in May & June 2011  and  Jan 2012  (go to Menu)

 

DEF: Con / conning – to persuade by deception, cajolery….

REMINDER : PP – The Negative Introject (see Part 2a = PP against WIC)
• Freudian: Introjection is “The internalization of authority” – the demands & expectations of our parents, & so by extension society, which become part of our personality structure. This creates a conflict between externally imposed rules against our own needs as well as repressed, socially unacceptable desires (“Shadow”)

INNER CHILD : WIC’s manipulation (cont.)
Re. the OUTSIDE //  Re. our INSIDE

SELF-‘conning’ is a long-standing pattern of functioning from the False Self, & both forms of sabotage (a. actions & b. emotional) come from the interactions of the PP & the WIC

a. ACTION/practical self-con
As mentioned in other posts, even when we try to move toward a legitimate goal, such as physical self-care, talking to the Wounded Child, going for a better job….
we may take a few steps in that direction, & then either we hit a snag (don’t get the response we want from others…)
or we blank out,  sidetrack ourself, feel too tired, “why bother’…. & give up. ——->

So – yet again the WIC has conned us into NOT leaving ‘home’, even tho’ that home was horrible, & is now mainly in our head. It keeps us from starting or sticking to healthier ways of functioning.
TOXIC RULE: “I must always struggle but never get there”

After a few attempts we hit a brick wall & can’t go any further – but rarely know why. No matter how many times we try, it seems impenetrable, no way to break thru’!
To continue toward any positive goal would mean S & I, & that can trigger terror in the kid, so much so that it prevents us from even trying to push past the resistance.

Actually getting to our goals would represent a disconnect from everything we’ve ever known. This can create a feeling of separation-anxiety, by re-experiencing our childhood sense of devastating aloneness.
AND according to the Toxic Rules, it would mean having ‘the gall to focus on ourself’ instead of everyone else (really our parents) – which the WIC can not bear to risk.

• One reason we don’t break thru’ the ‘resistance wall’ is IF we haven’t developed a strong enough (or any) rapport between the WIC & our UNIT.
• Another is IF we don’t allow ourself to feel because we  haven’t learned how to cope with intense emotions. To do so would require doing a lot of emotion-release work, sharing them in the right place so we’re not alone with the pain, along with soothing & comforting the Child in ways that suit us.

The PP is so strong in us & the WIC so devoted to our early training that – in the early stages of FoO recovery – we cannot go directly toward worthwhile goals. So we need to find indirect ways to approach both — the way we talk to the WIC, & how we go about taking healthier actions 

b. EMOTIONAL self-con
Most human emotions (Es) are located in the Child Ego State, with some – the more mature ones – in the Healthy Parent, & none in the Adult state, which is more like a computer.

However, our WIC will try to avoid all Es
= mainly old pain stored in our body (muscles, organs, brain chemicals…) which have not been processed out by doing trauma release work via crying, pounding, shaking…. AALSO
= the WIC is uncomfortable with good feelings, anxious that we’re not allowed to be comfortable, to not say anything legitimately positive about ourself, to not relax
As kids WE :
• were not allowed to safely express ALL our feelings
• never learned from family how to process Es, via labeling & ‘understanding’ them correctly
• were not comforted or validated, so we don’t have a right to be acknowledged or soothe ourselves
• did’t develop an internal monitor that governs our reactions, which must come from the UNIT – the healthy adult & loving parent components

NEXT: Manipulating OTHERS (Part 3a)