ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 2b)

child in chargePREVIOUS: Manipulating OURSELVES (#2a)

DEF: Con / conning – to persuade by deception, cajolery…..

POSTs: Negative Benefits
Emotions & the Body
Dealing with the PP (healing)


It’s important to remember that we all have an Inner Parent, but for us as ACoAs & addicts, one part of this Ego State (voice) is usually contemptuous & cruel, while another part may be kindly but weak, both sides neglectful in important ways.

“Introjections involve attitudes, behaviors, emotions & perceptions that are usually gathered from influential or authoritative people in one’s life. They are neither digested nor analyzed; they are simply adopted as a part of one’s personality as concepts that one considers should be believed or behaviors that one thinks ought to be followed.” (MORE…..)

Except for psychotics / sociopaths / malignant narcissists, the super-ego (Introject) provides an endless self-policing process, to reinforce family restrictions long after the original authority is changed, unavailable or gone.

• Object Relations Theory: D. W. Winnicott said that when we use the defense mechanisms of projection or introjection …. we (temporarily) hand over omnipotence to another person, letting them be our manager – even tho they may never be aware of it!

A classic example of Introjection is Butters Stotch, in SOUTH PARK, who seems to have completely internalized his alcoholic father’s frequent use of grounding as a punishment.

INNER CHILD : WIC’s manipulation
As laid out in other posts (ACoAs & S-H), the WIC is so used to having to do everything itself, with little or no resources & info, that it A-P-Cbelieves it still has to be that way – even tho it’s terrified & full of self-loathing. What an awful double bind!

Originally, being in a powerless situation as children we got a little sense of power & control by doing everything for ourselves AND doing without. So NOW – the WIC will try to sabotage any attempt by our healthier Voice (True Self) to take over, in order to stay attached to the PP!

The WIC cons us about our dealings with the whole world, especially at work:
• that showing up/ being visible means that we’ll be judged
• that we have to work extra hard & do the impossible to not get fired
• that we have to know everything, or we’ll be humiliated
• that being ‘perfect’ is the only way we’re allowed to live
• that we have to give others whatever they want so they won’t leave..

FALSE: ALL forms of self-conning are lies! We need to regularly remind the WIC that he/she —
• is NOT the one who is supposed to work, that’s only for the adult
• is NOT seen by other adults, they only see the grownup-us
• is NOT responsible for the company’s agenda, the demands of bossed, the plight of co-workers…..
• is NOT supposed to be in charge of every-day functioning. That’s the job of the UNIT – Healthy Adult/ Loving Parent.he world.

Re. our INSIDE: The WIC cons us with Self-Hate, to not have to be our own motivator & be in charge of our life –
• I’m stupid, stupid, bad, bad, wrong, wrong, weak, weak…..
• I don’t know how to do anything, & too dense to learn
• No one loves me, and no one ever willS-H results
• I can’t love anyone, I don’t know how to connect
• No one is safe & I can’t trust anyone

• No one will ever help me or be there for me
• I’d be better off dead, they’d be happier
• I’m boring, in the way, too much trouble
• I’ll never safe, happy, have my dreams
• I don’t have a right to ….
• If I let go of them I’ll die -OR- they’ll die!
• I wouldn’t recognize a healthy person if I fell over them
• I have to rescue them. I’ll do anything to make them feel better, not feel abandoned, stop drinking, be happy…..

NEXT: Manipulating OURSELVES (Part 2c)

ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 1)

controling manipulatorPREVIOUS: Multiple Intelligences

SITE: “Steve Jobs – biography by Walter Isaacson  & Commentary by Dave Smith

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

DEFs : Manipulation (M) is made up of a series of statement &/or actions, always indirectly trying to &/or succeeding in get our needs/wants met, in round-about ways


Normal – must be used sparingly, & only when there is no other legitimate option. When used for good, one can try to manipulate others to help a worthy cause, but even when well-intended, for M to be effective it has to target people’s weak spots

Unhealthy  – Because M is never straightforward, it’s hard to spot, especially when used by an experiences & skilled perpetrator, for strictly selfish reasons (narcissistically).
The subtle control of M can easily be overlooked or denied – our awareness buried under obligation, love, guilt, fear of abuse, FoA & long-term exposure

Severe – A perpetrator / bully forcefully controls another person or group who feel or actually are powerless to resist (child, battered spouse, sex slaves, gang members, war victims…..) to satisfy the manipulator’s ‘sick’ needs

PURPOSE – For ACoAs, addicts & other wounded people:
M. is used to try getting needs/wants met by underhanded tactics, to extract from other PPT something they may or not want to give
OR trying to force PPT (person, group, environment) to provide something we need/want which they actually do not have tomental fitness pyramid give
AND which in many cases we can provide for ourselves OR find a more direct way of obtaining something we lack – from appropriate sources

Re. NEEDS: It’s important to note the 2 major categories of needs.
Without deep FoO work we compulsively, slavishly insist on reinforcing unhealthy childhood patterns.
This insures that we stay deprived the same ways we were back then.
Normal needs
a: Those which EVERYONE has, & which we can’t get rid of because they’re fundamental to our humanity

b: Needs specific to YOU, based on your native personality
EXP: need to be/live near water, or other outdoor nature // to be artistic/creative // to be orderly/organized….

c. AND to some degree your specific needs in response to repeated harmful childhood PTSDevents & severe trauma
— need to live in one location for the rest of one’s life after moving 10-20 times as kid
— need to not be around crazy/angry people – at all, ever!
— need for a great deal of predictability…..

Unhealthy ‘needs’ / compulsive desires TO —
• please & be approved of by parents who can’t be pleased
• stay in unhappy, unsuitable or abusive relationships, jobs…. for fear of abandonment & disobeying Toxic Rules
• hang on to negative thinking & actions, believing it’s ‘safe’
• keep using addictions (sex, food, spending, internet, chemicals….)
so we don’t have to face the pain underneath

• keep trying to fix other people, especially those who don’t want to change/grow/improve
• keep chasing people who don’t want to connect with us, always finding the one person in the group who will reject us
• always be one-up on others, to show off, to act superior
• grab & hang on to position, power, status…. at any cost to others
• always be the center of attention   (Add your own)

MANIPULATIONsqueeze my brain
General:  serving a hidden agenda, to coerce others into giving in. Perpetual manipulators present themselves as strong & in control, but underneath – have a great deal of insecurity & a deep sense of personal powerlessness to get their needs met – directly. They can’t connect to or keep healthy, loving relationships

vs Influenceinfluence
Used on others to advance a goal, a mark of normal social interactions – in general, & a way of functioning effectively in the world – personally. Uses direct, honest communication, recognizing the integrity, boundaries & rights of others, including the right to not go along with the attempted persuasion

vs Boundaries (Bs)
Knowing our rights & personal needs so well that we can set Bs byB invade telling others what’s acceptable & what’s not. Like with influence, it’s also direct, but a way of getting our needs met without depending on other people’s help or co-operation. Comes from having permission to provide for oneself, & having access to choices

Personality Disorders (PDs)

In PDs, manipulation is a defensive style permeating a person’s every interaction, even tho they may hide their true intention, & act in ways that look ‘normal’, which in itself is a manipulation.

NEXT : Manipulating OURSELVES (Part 2a)