PREVIOUS: Type of Answers

SITE: “Steve Jobs” – biography by Walter Isaacson  & Commentary by Dave Smith

See ACRONYMS for abbrev.

DEFs : Manipulation (M) is made up of a series of statement &/or actions, always indirectly trying to &/or succeeding in get one’s needs/wants met, in round-about ways

Normal – must be used sparingly, & only when there is no other legitimate option. When used for good, it can be used  to help others or a worthy cause, but even when well-intended, for M to be effective the focus always targets people’s weakness

Unhealthy  – Because M is never straightforward, it’s hard to spot, especially when used by an experiences & skilled perpetrator, for strictly selfish reasons (narcissistic).
The subtle control of M can easily be overlooked or denied – our awareness buried under obligation, love, guilt, fear of abuse, FoA & long-term exposure

Severe – A perpetrator / bully forcefully controls another person or group who feel or actually are powerless to resist to satisfying the manipulator’s ‘sick’ needs (child, battered spouse, sex slaves, gang members, war victims….)

PURPOSE – ACoAs, addicts & other wounded people use M. :
• to try getting needs/wants met by underhanded tactics, to extract from other PPT something they may or not want to give
• OR try to force PPT (person, group, environment) to provide something we need/want which they actually do not have to give
• AND which in many cases we can provide for ourself, OR could find a more direct way of obtaining something we lack – from appropriate sources

Re. NEEDS 
Without deep FoO work we compulsively, slavishly insist on reinforcing unhealthy childhood patterns.
This insures that we stay deprived the same ways we were back then.
🔸 Normal needs
a: which EVERYONE has, & which we can’t get rid of because they’re fundamental to being human
b: specific to YOU, based on your native personality
EXP: need to be/live near water, or other outdoor nature // to be artistic/creative // to be orderly/organized….
c. AND to some degree your specific needs in response to repeated harmful childhood events & severe trauma
EXP: — need to live in one location for the rest of one’s life after moving 10-20 times as kid
— need to not be around crazy/angry people – at all, ever!
— need for a great deal of predictability, from early chaos, or neurodivergence (autism, ADD, dyspraxia….)

🔹 Unhealthy ‘needs’ / compulsive desires TO —
• always be one-up on others, to show off, to act superior
• always inappropriately be the center of attention
• grab & hang on to position, power, status…. at any cost to others or oneself
• hang on to negative thinking & actions, believing it’s ‘safe’  so we don’t have to face the pain underneath
TO
• keep chasing people who don’t want to connect with us, & always finding the one person in the group who will reject us
• keep trying to fix other people, especially those who don’t want to change/grow/improve- OR don’t need our help
• keep using addictions (sex, food, spending, internet, chemicals….) 
• please & be approved of by parents who can’t be pleased
• stay in unhappy, unsuitable or abusive relationships, jobs…. from fear of abandonment & disobeying Toxic Rules

MANIPULATION
General:  serving a hidden agenda, to coerce others into giving in. Perpetual manipulators present themself as strong & in control. Underneath – there is insecurity with a deep sense of powerlessness to get their needs met – directly, which they never admit to. They can’t connect to or keep healthy, loving relationships
vs Influence
In general, used on others to advance a goal, a mark of normal social interactions a way to Personally. used to function effectively in the world, by direct & honest communication, recognizing the integrity, boundaries & rights of others, including the right to not go along with someone’s attempted persuasion

vs Boundaries (Bs)
Knowing our Rights & personal Needs so well that we can set Bs by telling others what’s acceptable & what’s not – for ourself. Like Influence, it’s also direct, but a way of getting our needs met without depending on other people’s help or co-operation. Comes from having permission to provide for oneself, & having access to choices

vs Personality Disorders (PDs)
In PDs, manipulation is a defensive style permeating a person’s every interaction, even tho’ they may hide their true intention, & act in ways that look ‘normal’, which in itself is a manipulation.

NEXT : Manipulating OURSELVES (Part 2a)