PREVIOUS: Humiliation – Part 2

QUOTEs :“It’s a pervasive & all too destructive influence in the behavior of individuals, groups, organizations & nations.”  ~ Donald Klein

✦ “Persistent humiliation robs you of the advantage of rebellion.” ~ M. Silver

✦ “The difference between how a person treats the powerless versus the powerful is as good a measure of human character as I know.” ~ Robert I. Sutton, Stanford prof

↗️ NOVEL: “The Insulted and Humiliated”~ Fyodor Dostoyevesky Review
Goodreads: “…. published soon after Dostoevsky’s political imprisonment, clearly foreshadows his later preoccupation with unconscious psychological drives & their external effects on the lives of his characters. Where his later works carry these drives to inevitably dramatic conclusions, this book confines them within the smaller boundaries of everyday events…..”

HUMILIATION (cont)
1. EXTERNAL Sources (Part 1)
2. INTERNAL : Self-humiliation (Part 2)

3. RESULTS of being humiliated
Donald C. Klein in “The Humiliation Dynamic,” points out that being disrespected can cause some people to become consumed by wounded pride, producing ‘humiliated fury’.
At the other extreme – if the disrespect exposes a person’s powerlessness & lack of control, it can also cause perpetual anxiety.

• Even if the humiliation is not intentional, as in a misunderstanding, the consequences can be severe, ranging from interpersonal conflict to international terrorism. 3x Nobel Peace Prize nominee & author of “From Humiliation to Dignity” Evelin Lindner calls it the “nuclear bomb of emotions.”

• In 2 studies (PubMed), students were subjected to shameful events every day for 2 weeks. They reported resulting feelings of anger, and made sure to point out class-mates who also got angry. Narcissism was treated as a potential factor in their reactions.
As predicted, shameful events made children angry – especially boys with high narcissism scores. These results validate clinical theory that shaming events can trigger that ‘humiliated fury’.

• When turned inward this rage most often results in depression & apathy. The accompanying S-H prevents the sufferer from meeting their own needs, much less having energy available to love & care for others

• When turned outward it can form paranoia & revenge fantasies, which can lead to sadistic behavior. Unfortunately this fury produces additional victims, often including innocent bystanders

Some consequences
People in power use humiliation as a form of social control & oppression. It’s effective because the fear of humiliation (attack on one’s pride) can be a powerful motivation for taking actions – sometimes positive (to prove ‘they’re wrong’), but more often negative (against one’s own needs)

• Humiliation (internal or external) has been linked to abusing oneself or others, academic failure, delinquency, depression, discrimination, learned helplessness, low self-esteem, marital conflict, social disruption, social isolation, under-achievement, torture – even death.

4. RECOVERY – Consider:
1. whether the humiliating comment or action does or does not – in reality – diminish your self-image, decrease your position, or tarnish your public face / reputation.
If NO, then stop obsessing about it & “let go”
OR
2. if the event does harm you socially (a concrete result) – but not your self-esteem – consider your options. What can you do to correct or repair the situation? Use any positive help you can find.
OR
3. Does the humiliation feel so familiar – that you believe it?
It’s IMP to identify why specific comments / actions hurt you:
• How does it echo your childhood?
• What loss (realistic or emotion-based) does it represent to you? (of self-esteem, of connection, of social opportunities, of financial benefit….)
• What do you need to do – if anything – to counter it?

Solutions to being humiliated :
• If possible, talk to the offender, from you Adult ego state, & ask for the behavior to stop
• If they will not respond favorably, leave the degrading environment & find a more appreciative one, as soon as possible
OR
• If ‘trapped’, even temporarily, with an abuser (bully, controller, sadist, manipulator…) you can re-frame the painful experiences in some way that acknowledges your strength & ability to cope.

Most important – do not take it personally. This increases self-confidence & diminishes the damaging effects & fear of humiliation.
Being humiliated, by oneself or others, is NEVER justified!

For more background on this version of humiliation, review posts:
Self-Hate & ACoAs / Our Wounded Inner Child / Over-controlling Ourselves / Toxic Family RULES / What is Emotional Abuse?

NEXT: Arrogance (Part 1)

 PREVIOUS : MYTHS – T or F (#1)

SITE: “Ultimate anger release….”

QUOTE: “He who angers you, controls you!”

“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one.” ~ Ben Franklin
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

ANGER
💚 is inherited
TRUE –  but only partly. Our responses to emotions are complex, a combination of inheritance & mimicry. Genome decoding has revealed a connection between the MAO-A gene & aggression in humans. So some people are more easily triggered & may feel anger more intensely.

✦ However, research also tells us that people are not born with set & specific ways of expressing anger (actions/reactions) – which are learned – so we can correct & improve how we behave
✦ We know that children internalize ways of thinking & acting by watching & listening to their family & society. Angry parents often have angry children, but who are also very frightened.

🔐 is a legitimate way to get people to listen, give respect & obey us
False: This is how bullies think.
Anger is indeed used by top sale people, CEOs & narcissists – even when they’re not actually angry – used to manipulate, intimidate & control others, which is aggression (abuse).

Just because someone is cowed by a rager does not indicate respect. Expressing ourself in a hostile way will only make people dislike & distrust us. Others are more willing to listen to our opinions when they’re treated fairly & spoken to with respect. So when we’re truly respected we won’t need or want to bully to get attention.

NOTE: Most ACoAs confuse assertion with aggression
Aggressiveness is used to harm, dominate, intimidate or injure another. The goal is to “win at any cost,” with no concern for others’ well-fare
Assertiveness is expressing our opinions &/or emotions, such as anger, in the ‘I form’ This is taking responsibility for who we are instead of pointing fingers, which is both honest & respectful of others. We don’t have to accuse, blame or threaten, so we minimize the chance of emotional harm.

ANGER
🔐 will destroy a relationship if expressed to someone we love
True: It can do severe harm if —
✦ the way anger/rage is ‘vented’ is abusive, especially if repeated over time
✦ OR the loved one is intensely narcissistic & won’t tolerate any form of ‘disapproval’
✦ OR is so co-dependent, insecure & fearful that they’ll take our anger as a sign of personal rejection rather than a statement of our feelings

False: because Anger – not aggression – is a way to have boundaries in a close relationship, and is a sign of genuine intimacy (in-to-me-U-see), rather than hiding parts of ourself out of fear of abandonment.
When we know we’re angry about something our loved one did or didn’t do, & choose to express it in healthy ways, it can actually increase mutual understanding & help enrich the relationship    (MORE….)

🔐  is bad, therefore must be eliminated
False: It is neither good or bad but rather a strong energy with a specific purpose in our psyche. Again, the anger itself is not the problem, only the we express it (verbally/ physically).
Parents who themselves were taught that all anger is bad/evil, & then pass that on without question, teach their children to stuff, repress or totally deny their anger.
EXP: “Don’t take that tone of voice with me, young man!” or “If you’re going to act like that, you can go to your room!”

True: ONLY when acting it out incorrectly, which can lead to domestic violence, property damage, sexual abuse, drug addiction, ulcers, self-mutilation, suicide……

🔐 is healthy when expressed by children (as tantrums & other uncontrolled forms….) – because it staves off future neurosis
False: No – because when it’s willy-nilly, it teaches the child they can spew their rage onto others whenever & where ever they want – & sometimes hurt themself. Actually, tantrums lessen when they’re ignored, not reinforced, or when children are expected to talk about & own their emotions

True: Yes – when the child is guided safely to express their frustration, hurt or fear which generate anger, by using words & physical movement, (anger-work such as pounding pillows), so they learn that they can have strong ‘difficult’ emotions & know how to get them out in the right way.

NEXT: ACoAs & Humiliation #1

PREVIOUS : Anger CATEGORIES (# 13)

SITEs: 5 ways to handle Anger Biblically

• Dealing w/ anger 

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️SOMATIZED anger (Psycho-somatic)
This is physical afflictions as indirect outlet for suppressed anger/rage, expressed physically (soma = body), also caused by depression, anxiety, great loss, PTSD…. It’s not imagined pain, only displaced into the body.

Denying our anger at long term wounds (hurt, anger, sadness…) from life’s circumstances – can be played out as Martyr, sometimes suffering in silence, sometimes constantly complaining, but always suffering.
Some SYMPTOMS:  migraine headaches, ulcers, colitis, TMJ (tight jaw), big weight gain, immune diseases…..  Back pain is one of the more common, expressing a genuine ‘lack of support’ in one’s life.

INTERESTING: Somatization is one of the oldest known psychological  diagnoses.
The first reference we know of appeared about 1900 B.C. in Egyptian documents, & was also commented on by the Greeks.
In its modern form, it was first defined by Dr. Briquet in France in 1859.

√ The term Psycho-Somatic has been bastardized into meaning that the ailment is all in our head. Even when the suffering is connected to suppressed emotions, the ailment in very real.
Sadly, somatizers are more likely to try medical solutions instead of the psychological treatment they really need – also some medicine may be needed. This route is frustratingly unsuccessful, wastes money & time, leading to more anger & depression.

▪️VOLCANIC / exploding anger
One of the more dangerous types, it’s dramatic & unpredictable, a reactive style triggered by even minor stressors specific to that person – set off by frustration, a perceived wrong or a personal button.

“Sudden anger” people zoom in from nowhere, blast everything in sight, & then vanish. This loss of control is a knee-jerk reaction, without taking time to think or to consider consequences, & therefore out of their conscious control (choice) at that moment.  They say & do things they may later regret, may even apologize, but by then it’s too late to take it back.

AND – they swear they’ll never go off the deep end again, but they always do. These rage-outburst give them a surge of power, used as an escape. It releases a backlog of pent-up unacceptable emotions, so they feel better – while others are left with the scars.
Whether it’s mostly all bluster, or more abusive, constant use of this unpredictable style can lead to emotional damage in others which can take a long time to repair – if ever.

EXP: Attacking PPT indiscriminately, dishing out unfair punishment, irrational arguments, lashing out or inflicting harm for the sake of it, over-indulging in alcohol, drugs or other addictions….
Note: Anger management tools have proven to be particularly effective with volatile anger.

▪️’SPIRITUAL‘ anger (Biblical)
1. DIVINE – God’s indignation is a component of Divine justice – His attitude toward humans who disrespect Him & disobeying His laws. “The wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness & unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth.” Rom 1: 18
Characteristics :
a. Not human = never unpredictable, petty or disproportionate. It IS the just & measured response of His purity, against deliberate rebellion, whether from angels or humans
b. Provoked = God’s nature is LOVE and Holiness. Anger is not his nature, so must be elicited by the acting out of evil poisoning His perfect universe

c. Slow to be expressed = The day of God’s wrath will come, but He’s not in a hurry to bring it on, because then the door of Grace (unmerited favor) will then be closed.
IMP: God execution of wrath is always preceded by many opportunities for humans to repent (change). When there’s a ‘course correction’ by the offenders, God’s punishment is always withheld!

d. Revealed now = When humans suppress the truth about Him, worshiping created things rather than the Creator, God gives them up to the natural consequences of their vice & decadence

e. Stored up = There will be a final time of wrath, when God wipes out all evil. Then there will be a new heaven & a new earth, the home of eternal righteousness. (More….)   God’s anger in Old & New Testaments)

2. RIGHTEOUS HUMAN anger – our reaction against actual sin – ie. how people offend God. It focuses on God’s concerns, plans & rights
🔅 It requires it’s self-control. & is not about our personal inconvenience, or violation of preference. (See post :  Righteous Anger’)

3. SINFUL HUMAN anger – a reaction to our thwarted desires, being deceived or cheated.
Also, assuming God is unjust : ‘People ruin their lives by their own foolishness & then are angry at the Lord.” Prov. 19:3 (MORE…. )

NEXT: Anger Myths  #1

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories (#12)

SITE: “Anger Disorder”
22• “Our Righteous Anger Addiction”

NOTE : Click “Acronyms”on Homepage for abbrev.

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)

▪️“RIGHTEOUS”/ Moral anger
a. ARROGANT – Those of us who believe we’re always correct – both for ourselves & for everyone else. This leads us to think we have the absolute ‘right’ to insist that others follow a set of rules – that are in our head.
When specific people or groups/ institutions break those rules, we get very angry. What we object to may in fact be unhealthy, but not always. Such ‘offenders’ are considered bad, evil, wicked, sinful – who need to be scolded, punished, & then taught the correct way to think & act. We rant at them or about them – with friends, on social media, even sometimes with physical violence

• It gives us a sense of superiority because we’re convinced our anger is for a good cause – like unhealthy Enneagram #1s – we’re trying to ‘clean up the world’. We don’t see that our world-view is rigid & narrow, assuming everyone is or should be just like us (narcissism), & that others have their own values & moral codes, not like ours.

When our behavior is questioned or objected to – we don’t feel guilty, but arrogantly justify it.  When someone points out our unfair harshness, we get very angry. Even if the objector apologizes & backs down right away, (although they were correct), Righteous types enjoy humiliating them for their ‘moral ignorance or laxity’ & continue attacking the worlds’ wrong-doers.

b. LEGITIMATE – In religious terms, Righteous anger means responding in accordance with Divine / Spiritual or moral law. This can prompt an understandable attitude & action from an outraged sense of justice or morality, free from guilt or a sin-label.
▫️ More generally, ‘Righteous Indignation’ focuses on the ‘Higher or Greater good’ rather than based on self-centered motives. It comes from a sincerely desire to make the world a better place for everyone – not just ourself.

We see the injustice & evil around us & are inspired to fight for something beyond our own experiences. Whether it’s for a loved one or a strangers in dire circumstance being unfairly treated or abused, it’s natural to feel angry, & healthy anger can fuel effective action

▫️ This anger is a reaction to actual abuse of power (something that’s unjust, mean or unworthy), not to something that’s personally inconvenient, a violation of social tradition, our paranoia or hobby-horse (favorite annoyance we keep going on about)
▫️ It is part of a group of healthy qualities – such as self-control, unwillingness to do harm, good boundaries, genuine care for the welfare of others, altruism….. (minus arrogance, self-pity, hopelessness….)

▪️SELF-SACRIFICE anger
When we sacrifice our time, money, dignity, needs, dreams…. for another, AND there is no acknowledgment or appreciation, & maybe with no end in sight – anger is inevitable. Whether our sacrifice:
• is by choice, as in being a parent or elder care-taker, OR
• from co-dependence, as in trying to always please others & only getting ‘crumbs’, OR
• because of social / political / religious reasons, out of our control —-> anger is inevitable….
How we ‘understand’ & process that anger is what makes the difference as to how we stifle or proceed with our life.
“STOP the Self-Sacrifice” // “Anger & maternal sacrifice“

▪️SHAME-BASED anger
This is typical of people who need a lot of attention but never get enough. THEY:
• compulsively try to cover-up their imperfections with perfectionism, & inevitably fail to live up to their impossible standard
• are afraid to admit & express ‘weak’ emotions (loneliness, sorrow, fear….)
• are overly sensitive to criticism, even when it’s in the form of helpful suggestions
• project their S-H on to everyone else (‘No one likes me’….)
• are unable to live up to their responsibilities (family man out of work, sickly mother….)

Shame-anger comes from the WIC thinking that whenever others hurt us we’ll feel better if we lash back with ridicule, blame, criticism…. Naturally this will always backfire, our outbursts & loss of control pushing even loved ones away, making us feel even more inadequate & ashamed.
(“What is SHAME” post // The Shame-Rage connection)

NEXT: Categories #14