PREVIOUS : Anger MYTHS – T or F (Part 2)
SITE: “Ultimate anger release….”
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
QUOTE: “He who angers you, controls you!”
💚 is inherited
TRUE – but only partly. Our responses to emotions are complex, a combination of inheritance & mimicry. Genome decoding has revealed a connection between the MAO-A gene & aggression in humans. So some people are more easily triggered & may feel anger more intensely.
✦ However, research also tells us that people are not born with set & specific ways of expressing anger (actions/reactions) – which are learned – so we can improve the ways we behave
✦ We know that children internalize ways of thinking & acting by watching & listening to their family & society. Angry parents often have angry children, but this outcome is not inevitable
🔐 is a legitimate way to get people to listen & give respect & obey
False: This is how bullies think, & someone who is truly respected doesn’t need or want to be a bully. Anger is indeed used by top sale people, CEOs & other power-hungry people to manipulate, intimidate & control – but it’s aggression – which is abusive.
Expressing ourselves in a hostile way will only make people dislike & distrust us. Others are more willing to listen to our opinions when they’re treated fairly & spoken to with respect
NOTE: Most ACoAs confuse assertion with aggression
Aggressiveness is used to harm, dominate, intimidate or injure another. The goal is to “win at any cost,” with no concern for others’ well-fare
Assertiveness is when we express opinions &/or emotions, such as anger, in the ‘I form’ – which is honest & respects others. We don’t have to accuse, blame or threaten, so we can minimize the chance of emotional harm.
🔐 will destroy a relationship if expressed to someone we love
True: It can do severe harm if —
✦ the way anger/rage is ‘vented’ is abusive, especially if it’s repeated over time
✦ OR the loved one is intensely narcissistic & won’t tolerate any form of ‘disapproval’
✦ OR is so co-dependent, insecure & fearful that they’ll take our anger as a sign of personal rejection rather than a statement of our feelings
False: because Anger – not aggression – is a way to have boundaries in a close relationship, and is a sign of genuine intimacy (in-to-me-U-see), rather than hiding parts of ourself out of fear of abandonment.
When we know we’re angry about something our loved one did or didn’t do, and choose to express it in healthy ways, it can actually increase mutual understanding & help enrich the relationship (MORE….)
🔐 is bad, therefore must be eliminated
False: It is neither good or bad but rather a neutral energy with a specific purpose in our psyches. Again, the anger itself is not the problem, only the we express it (verbally/ physically).
Parents who themselves were taught that all anger is bad/evil, & then pass that on without question, teach their children to stuff, repress or totally deny their anger.
EXP: “Don’t take that tone of voice with me, young man!” or “If you’re going to act like that, you can go to your room!”
True: ONLY when acting it out incorrectly, which can lead to domestic violence, property damage, sexual abuse, drug addiction, ulcers, self-mutilation……
🔐 is healthy when expressed by children (as tantrums & other uncontrolled forms….) – because it staves off future neurosis
False: No – because when it’s willy-nilly, it teaches the child they can spew their rage onto others whenever & where ever they want – & sometimes hurt themselves. Actually, tantrums lessen when they’re ignored, not reinforced, or when children are expected to talk about & own their emotions
True: Yes – when the child is guided safely to express their frustration, hurt or fear which generate anger, by using words & physical movement, (anger-work such as pounding pillows), so they learn that they can have strong ‘difficult’ emotions & know how to get them out in the right way.
NEXT: ACoAs & Humiliation #1