TRAITS of Abusers – General


IT’S HARD  FOR ME TO GET
how sick they really are!

PREVIOUS: Traits of Victims #3

Article: LIST of Characteristics



General, for ALL Perpetrators
• deeply insecure, so are extremely jealous
poor impulse control: use addictions, go into rages, hurt children & animals, batter their spouse, are unfaithful
terrible communicators – especially about Es (rather talk with their fists), think in B & W, use distorted logic (CDs)
ARE:
very touchy – easily insulted, take everything personally
inconsistent – can do well at work & in many social situations, but sulky or cruel in private with unpredictable mood swings
• need to control everything, because of Fear of Abandonment (FoA)
• take no personal responsibility – always everyone in the whole world – for their troubles. Perps don’t care about the effect of their actions on the V. since no one else really counts but themselves (narcissism).

CHARACTERISTICS – rather than behaviors (<—- See “DIRECT“):
 PHYSICAL
• often have a history of family violence – between the adults, & adults to children, sometimes between siblings
• may be mentally ill, has some type of mental or emotional disorder
• can use chronic physical illness or disability to manipulate everyone or just one significant other
• an active addict

MENTAL – They :
• have tightly protected defense mechanisms, self-deception is well-developed
• in denial about their own wounds/ & the effect they have on others
• unrealistic expectations of self, others & what relationships are supposed to provide. The Perp puts a burden on others to fulfill needs they didn’t get from their family, instead of healing themselves
They :
• blame others for their problems so they don’t have to be responsible for their actions, or their underlying feeling of vulnerability
• believe in rigid gender roles, to keep everyone ‘in their place’
• are loyal to their Toxic family Rules and Roles, needing to convince others of their CDs (cognitive distortions)

EMOTIONAL 
Psychological disturbances : narcissistic✶ (see below), shitting out LOVE
co-dependent, borderline, bipolar, depressive, paranoid….
Love addiction – They :
• get involved too quickly, become ‘instantly’ symbiotic
• are extreme jealousy & possessive, addicted to partner
• see mate as a symbol of a parent or other authority figure, especially when the P. is angry, rather than as a person in their own right
• are very good at deceiving others, may have many other relationships, which are superficial.
• can be calm, charming & convincing – in public
(IMAGE: They take in your love & ‘spit it out’ polluted)

Self-Hate (hidden from most people) – They :
• are full of insecurity, fear & shame
• blame others for their emotions, deny need for help or growth
• are hypersensitive to the slightest disrespect or insult, even when it is not intended or there is none
They :
• eitheabusers S-Hr need others to keep self-image from collapsing, or they isolate
• are unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions, (incest, drunkenness, violence…) even in the face of severe consequences
• push away true intimacy (there’s never enough to fill their emotional hole) & can’t believe anyone can be there for them, love them….

✳️ Narcissism is not self-esteem – at all – but a condition that includes:
• mental obsessions & compulsions (actions) to hide real or imagined flaws
• grandiosity, overestimating their importance, achievements, talents …unpredictable
• inability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes (empathize)
• person constantly looking for & demanding attention
• getting very angry & feeing deep shame when criticized, or if any personal imperfections are pointed out
• manipulating others, especially partners – with blame, guilt, distorted ‘logic’, bribes,  threats…. to control.  (Estimated that 85% of narcissists are male)

SPIRITUAL – They :
• don’t have a clear moral compass, so are too easily swayed by their own greed, revenge, fear, cowardice…. & easy for the P. to lie, cheat, steal … even if it’s just a little, & secretly… OR
fake spiritual• use ‘religion’ / spiritual teachings as a way to beat up & control others, especially children
They:
• may not have a strong -or any-or Spiritual belief & practice —
— to fall back on in hard times
— cope with & heal their deep-seated terrors & damage
— to trust that they’re taken care of & safe
— know that all is well & that there’s enough love to go around!
AND:
• may not have genuine concern for the suffering of others (rather than people-pleasing or grand-standing). Any ‘generosity’ is self-serving, to seem important, needed, look good, cover S-H….

NEXT: Types of Perpetrators #2a

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