IT’S HARD FOR ME TO GET
how sick they really are!
PREVIOUS: Traits of Victims #3
General, for ALL Perpetrators ARE:
• deeply insecure, so are extremely jealous
• inconsistent – can do well at work & in many social situations, but sulky or cruel in private with unpredictable mood swings
• terrible communicators – especially about Es (rather talk with their fists), think in B & W, use distorted logic (CDs)
• very touchy – easily insulted, take everything personally
• have poor impulse control: use addictions, go into rages, hurt children & animals, batter their spouse, are unfaithful
• need to control everything, because of Fear of Abandonment (FoA)
• take no personal responsibility – always blame everyone in the whole world – for their troubles. Perps don’t care about the effect of their actions on the V. since no one else really counts but themselves (narcissism).
CHARACTERISTICS – rather than behaviors (<—- See posts “DIRECT Abusers “):
PHYSICAL = • are an active addict
• can use chronic physical illness or disability to manipulate everyone or just one significant other
• may be mentally ill, have some type of mental or emotional disorder
• often have a history of family violence – between the adults, & adults to children, sometimes between siblings
MENTAL – They :
• are loyal to their Toxic family Rules and Roles, needing to convince others of their CDs (cognitive distortions)
• believe in rigid gender roles, to keep everyone ‘in their place’
• blame others for their problems so they don’t have to be responsible for their actions, or their underlying but unconscious feeling of vulnerability
• have tightly protected defense mechanisms, self-deception is well-developed
• are in denial about their own wounds/ & the effect they have on others
• have unrealistic expectations of self, others & what relationships are supposed to provide. The Perp puts a burden on others to fulfill needs they didn’t get from their family, instead of healing themselves
Psychological disturbances :
co-dependent, borderline, bipolar, co-dependent, depressive, narcissistic✶ (see below),paranoid….
Love addiction – They :
• are extreme jealous
• can be calm, charming & convincing – in public
• get involved too quickly, become ‘instantly’ symbiotic
• see mate as a symbol of a parent or other authority figure, especially when the P. is angry, rather than as a person in their own right
• very good at deceiving others, may have many other relationships, all are superficial.
(⬆️IMAGE: They take in your love & eject it as pollution)
Self-Hate (hidden from most people) – They :
• are full of anxiety, guilt & shame
• are hypersensitive to the slightest disrespect or insult, even when it’s not intended or there is none• blame others for their emotions, deny need for help or growth
• either need others to keep self-image from collapsing, or they isolate
• refuse to be responsibility for their actions, (incest, drunkenness, violence…) even in the face of severe consequences
• push away true intimacy (there’s never enough to fill their emotional emptiness) & can’t believe anyone can be there for them, love them….
✳️ Narcissism is not self-esteem – at all – but a condition that is a distorted sense of power, & includes:
• constantly looking for & demanding attention
• getting very angry & feeing deeply ashamed when criticized, or if any personal imperfections are pointed out
• grandiosity, overestimating their importance, talents & achievements
• inability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes (empathize)• manipulating others, especially partners – with blame, guilt, distorted ‘logic’, bribes, threats…. to control.
• mental obsessions & compulsions (actions) to hide real or imagined flaws (Estimated that 85% of narcissists are male)
SPIRITUAL – They :
• can use ‘religion’ / spiritual teachings as a way to beat up & control others, especially children
• don’t have a clear moral compass, so are too easily swayed by their own greed, revenge, fear, cowardice…. & easy for the P. to lie, cheat, steal … even if it’s just a little, & secretly… OR
• may not have a strong -or any- Spiritual belief & practice TO :
♝ cope with & heal deep-seated trauma
♝ fall back on in hard times
♝ trust that they’re taken care of & safe
♝ know that all is well & that there’s enough love to go around!
• may not have genuine concern for the suffering of others (rather than people-pleasing or grand-standing). Any ‘generosity’ is self-serving – to seem important, feel needed, look good, cover S-H, be lauded….
NEXT: Types of Perpetrators #2a