I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE –
they’re so hard to pin down!
PREVIOUS: Type pf Perps #1
SHORT FORM – Abusers are typically:
Charming, controlling, critical, emotionally disconnected, hypersensitive, jealous, inconsistent, insincerely ‘repentant’, manipulative, narcissistic, victim, vicious & cruel.
NOTE: Anyone who was damaged in childhood is capable of being a Perpetrator, sometimes. However, here the focus is on people who are abusive as a ‘life style’, consistently, long-term & with everyone – whether you’re aware of their behavior with others or not.
If YOU fall into one of these categories, you too will have been exposed to unhealthy behavior throughout childhood
Re. THEM (P = Perpetrator)
a. All abusers repeat what was done to them – in their own style – burned into their cortical pathways, a mirror image of their earliest Abandonment experiences
b. All abuse is an expression of the P’s Self-Hate & Pig Parent (Introject). S-H tries to protect against feeling Abandonment terror, expressed in the form of Character Defects (selfishness, lack of boundaries, dishonesty, gossiping, impatience, being judgmental, raging, immaturity….).
✶ Understanding this does NOT excuse or exonerate bad or cruel behavior in anyone, since each adult is responsible for their own actions. But keeping these facts (a. & b.) in mind reminds us that when someone acts out ‘at’ us, it tell us about them – not about us.
❣️ What is about us is how we respond, whether or not we stick around for it, & for how long.
Re. US (V = Victim)
✶ When observing or being subjected to bad behavior, we must NOT let the WIC’s damage (co-dependence) use our natural empathy & understanding toward the P to put up with their ‘crap’. ACoAs feeling sorry for others may seem like a kindness & empathy, but it only allows a P to get away with being harmful
• Not leaving the abuser is ‘taking care of’ their feelings, abdicating responsibility to ourselves. We always need to :
– balance understanding the source of the abuse (background)
– with our right to refuse being it’s victim (self-esteem)
Neither their rights nor their suffering are greater than ours!
• Often comes from a family with addictions. Can have multiple addictions themselves, either to a chemical, an activity, or both
• use their ‘drug of choice’ (agent) – daily, in binges or in cycles
• devote most of their time, money & focus to it – even when not using
• don’t want to discuss it, are very protective – lie about using it, how much & where
• won’t talk about the effect on themselves or others
• rarely get any kind of help to stop. May try a program or rehab, but keep slipping back, OR switch to another addiction
• People are secondary to their favorite agent – losing relationships, jobs & other important things when active
• have mood swings or changes in attitude with too much or too little of the agent, & have had / will have a host of physical & mental health problems
🧩 Their addiction & all consequences, cause others to feel shame, fear, worry & be in physical danger
• may have an unusual relationship (symbiotic, incestuous, co-dependent…) with mother, father or other parent figure
• can’t stand to be without you. Begs, cries, pleads, pouts, guilts you into changing your taste, needs & wants or any plans you have without them
• sees self as a victim, has had multiple relationships & other “discouragements” in life• you are their only focus – they have few, if any, close friends or outside interests
• blames you for their vulnerability, while convincing you their neediness IS love
• wants constant assurance you still want them, not interested in other partners, & demands promises you won’t reject them
• threatens self-harm if you ever leave, & sometimes does
• sets you up to feel sorry for them, & puts self down, waiting for you to make them feel good – while never taking that in.
• won’t make decisions, is passive aggressive, blaming you if they don’t like choices you make for them
🧩 You end up feeling frustrated & suffocated when around them for too long
NEXT: Types of Abusers (Part 2)