recovery

Emotional MATURITY – Cognitive, Practical

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

maturity 1

‘I KNOW WHAT I KNOW’
and I’m also willing to learn

PREVIOUS: Emotional Maturity – General

NOTE: As recovering ACoAs, many of us start the maturing process much later in life than we would have if we’d come from a healthy, loving family. This is perfectly understandable.

Therefore, we need to :
• mourn the loss of time & possibilities our damage has stolen from us
• safely express our rage at the unfairness of having to clean up the mess our parents & environment bequeathed us
• consistently work at Recovery, & persevere no matter how hard & long it takes
• keep looking for, finding & accepting appropriate people & support systems that will nurture our growth
• know in our bones that Recovery & therefore EM is a realistic goal for ourself NEVER ‘compare & despair’, since you are NOT someone else!

COGNITIVE – ABLE TO:
• be self-appraising, & comfortable with who you are & what you want in life
• take responsibility for your decisions. Admit when you’re wrong, without being overly guilt- or shame-ridden
• consciously look for the motives behind your own actions, with wisdom & compassion
• face reality, in yourself & in others, the way things are right now (acceptance)
TO:
• decide what you believe, based on experiences & feelings, not on what others say or do – or want of you. Believe “I know what I know”
bla, bla, bla• realize there are many different opinions in the world, & you can’t use others to form your identity
• change your opinions about people or situations when receiving new info
TO:
• accurately chose info from available data, then apply it to make positive decisions for yourself
• mainly use reason to decide how to act. You need Es to say what’s suitable or not – for yourself, but they are not always or automatically to be acted on
• think before acting to be in control of your behavior
TO:
• eliminate magical thinking (grandiosity), unrealistic expectations, projections….
• live with being imperfect & sometimes failing. It does not reflect on your personal value, no matter what you were told as a kid
• thoughtfully listen to others’ opinions. You can understand & tolerate differing views, without diminishing yourself in any way
gaather knowledgeTO:
• accept not everyone will feel the same way about a situation, stimulus or idea as you do
• understand the relationship between core values & Es
• always want to learn new things to improve yourself, making you more effective & useful in the world

PRACTICAL – ABLE TO:
• admit & deal with the consequences of your actions or inactions
• accept when you don’t succeed at something. Figure out what went wrong, learn from any mistakes, & make the necessary corrections – when possible, & without shame
• asses the risks of a potential or planned situation (date, interview…) that you’re already familiar with, OR that you know enough about to evaluate – without projecting negatively.
When assessing possible pitfalls / risks of an upcoming event, do research & then use that info wisely (not impulsive, compulsive)
TO:
• balance family, rest, work & play – without trying to do it perfectly, or do it well all the time
shoot for dreams• be mainly self-reliant in all areas of life, but not isolated or afraid to ask for help when needed
• follow through with things you’ve started, even when it’s hard, but also know when to let go of a hopeless situation
TO:
• know what you want to do with your life & then pursue it with enthusiasm & patience, persevering even when there are obstacles
• plan ahead, being realistic & practical, rather than letting things go ’till the last minute. Use inspiration & intuition when faced with an unexpected problem, but not as a substitute for being prepared
• tackle difficult & demanding situations – even when scared – trusting you can use knowledge & experience, not forgetting past successes
TO:
balancing• take overall responsibility for your own life (& small children), without endless excuses, but not be responsible for the lives or needs of (most) other adults
• use moderation & balance in all things, but allow for extremes once in a while when appropriate
• work hard toward your goals, not compulsively or to the point of exhaustion, but with a reasonable plan that can be modified or enhanced according to circumstances

ARTICLE: “Knowing your Strengths gives you Clearer Direction”

NEXT: Emotional Maturity – Emotional

RECOVERY – What it IS & IS NOT (Part 1)

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in with the new
OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW
Dismantling the old patterns

PREVIOUS: What Self-esteem IS

SITE:  Benefits of a Gratitude List

RECOVERY
IS NOT…❖…expecting to get unconditional love and perfect sanity from any human. It’s unrealistic, but the Wounded Inner Child demands it anyway. Now – when we don’t get it, we accuse others of abandoning us!

IS…❧…understanding that in adult relationships –  each person has their own needs.  Since our parents couldn’t give us unconditional love, when it would have been ‘normal’ & needed, we can only look for it now from ourself, our pets & our Higher Power.  As we interact with healthier people we will receive more appropriate companionship – be mirrored, understood, respected, considered, loved…but never perfectly!
🦋

IS NOT…❖…being free of emotions (Es) that were unacceptable in our family, controlling our Es or trying to have ‘appropriate’ Es. Those are signs of damaged thinking – (CDs) – NOT the same as being in control of our behavior!

IS…❧…accepting all emotions as legitimate. Humans are built with the capacity AND the need to feel. Es are the natural indicators of our reaction to any experience – to let us know whether something is good or bad for us. Re.T.E.A. —
• Actions may, or may not, be good, & can be corrected, over time
• Unhealthy Thoughts can be reframed & replaced, when harmful or incorrect
• Es just are. They can go from very joyful <–to–> very painful, but are never good or bad! We need to have access to a wide range of Es, with many shades. It gives us a sense of vibrancy & allows us to connect with others.

Only seeing everything in B & W = tv, paintings, walls, clothes….. can become quite boring. Suppressing or narrowing down Es (to 1 or 2, like rage or fear) will make us one-dimensional, possibly cold, hard, distant & ultimately limited.
The intensity & depth of our emotional reservoir of old childhood pain is so great that it will never be completely empty.  Accept this & learn how to manage Es rather than trying to spiritualize them away!
(review “Feelings Aren’t Facts” posts) (MORE re. hand-emotions)
🦋

IS NOT…❖…trying to permanently ‘fix’ our childhood damage, eliminating all character defects, doing is easily it & quickly.  Any effort to fix ourself means we think we’re bad, & that our badness is our own fault, SO we’re responsible for doing anything we can to eradicate it. (BTW, this is one of the reasons why many ACoAs are suicidal & want to be dead)

IS…❧…accepting that alcoholism & co-dependence have left deep scars & emotional hangovers. (Good / bad parenting @ ACoA site). These will take our life-time to gradually heal. Being human means we’ll never be perfect – but Recovery IS truly possible!  Many have proven it.

Humility (not humiliation) is acknowledging our human limitations, with a consistent willingness to evaluate ourself with compassion, in honesty & reality, modifying our thoughts & action when needed to reach our own goals
🦋

IS NOT…❖…being ‘serene’ all the time.
• To always be pleasant, kind, honest, thoughtful…is a disguise for a wide range of emotions we don’t find acceptable (anger, envy, greed….)
• To still be the good boy / girl, in the present, is the symbiotic need for our family’s approval, rather than becoming our own person
• Forever trying to be ‘so good’ is a negation of our legitimate rage & pain of childhood abandonment

IS...❧…gaining genuine serenity, based on a solid emotional, mental & spiritual foundation – from the inside.  This creates the unshakable knowledge that we are ok even when we’re in pain, under pressure, not understood or supported.
We can have upheaval, express intense pain / anger… and still be at peace, deep down.  Serenity is the by-product of knowing & accepting ourself in the moment, trusting our gut, having a great support system & a loving H. P.

NEXT: RECOVERY IS / IS NOT #2

ACoAs: Healthy RULES & Lessons (Part 3)

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  new life“AND NOW, PRESENTING…. –
a new life, a better life !!”

PREVIOUS: Heathy Rules, #2

SITE: Healthy Family Rules

 

 

MORE GOOD Rules
As mentioned in the last post, these statements are to help the Healthy Adult & Loving Parent parts of our psyche to learn better ways to take care of our Inner Children. Each statement can be used as an inventory:
a. Resistance:
• why do I NOT want to include them in my life?
• what do I think will happen if I follow these ideas?
• what do I need to give up in order to incorporate them?
b. Willingness:many Qs
• what do I need to have / do, before I can use these positive rules ?
• how can I implement these concepts into my life?
• who can I ask for help with them?
• who do I know who already lives them?
c. Results:
• what happens when I do act on these statements?
• how is it different from what I assumed or projected?
• what do I need to do, to increase these principle in my life?
OF COURSE – If you can add questions to this list – please do.
«    «
NEXT: Safe & Unsafe People

ACoAs: Healthy RULES (Part 2)

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Snever give up
YEAH. I WANT TO FEEL SAFE! — Will you take care of me, Good Parent?

PREVIOUS: HEALTHY RIGHTS (#1)

SITE: How To Never Give Up On… (CHART)

 

HEALTHY RULES
Part 2 & 3 list statement that have been accumulated from years of Recovery experience. They’re geared to the Healthy Adult / Loving Parent parts of our higher self – so we can know how to take care of our wounded and healthy Inner Children, in the best possible ways.

❀ YES, we have a broken heart!  What’s more painful to a child than not feeling loved by their parents?   BUT NOW – to be happy, we need to:
• accept who our family really was & is
• believe in every fiber that we did not cause our abuse & neglect
• accept that now we’re individually responsible for our life
• know that we have the ability to outgrow much of the damage, but not all completely
• consistently apply mental health truths to our life

❀ We all live by rules, whether we like to admit it or not.
• Some ACoAs were so neglected they think they weren’t taught any rules.  No, not good ones, but we did pick up all the Toxic Rules!
• Others of us were so constricted by rules & regulations, we nearly choked to death on them.
In either case we tend to shy away from rules, or have a raging hatred for them. And yet we are run by the bad ones, as long as they stay hidden and we don’t challenge them.

❀ So here are a few Healthy Rules to try out & apply to our every-day living.
Think about each one, carefully.
Pick one & try it out for a month. See what happens. Then try another….
«

«
NEXT : Healthy Rules & Lessons, #3

ACoA : TOXIC Family RULES

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Screen Shot 2015-07-09 at 12.10.53 PMTHEY DESIGNED MY STRAIGHT JACKET –
I’m gonna need some help getting it off!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Helping (Part 2)

SITE: Dysfunctional Family (Wikipedia)

 

RULES: No matter what our family environment looked like, all ACoAs have gathered a litany of TOXIC RULES, which we follow ‘religiously’, even well into Recovery – but hopefully less so with growth!

We absorbed these Toxic Rules from family, school, our community, religion…. They are the underlying beliefs the WIC is absolutely convinced are the absolute ‘truth’ which we are obligated to obey – on pain of death (abandonment)- even if we disagree or hate them. Notice the contradiction & conflict. No wonder we say we’re confused!

The BE and DON’T lists are the short forms, & just mirror opposites. Below are the expanded ones.  This is by no means complete. Each of us can have variations or additions.

INVENTORY: How do we know what our rules are?
a. Overview
As you read thru these lists – notice the ones that hit you the strongest. If you’re new-ish to recovery you may not recognize that you have more of them than you first think. Still confused?
✶ Ask yourself, & then siblings, mate, friends, therapist … for suggestions

✶ Do a Life Inventory, in 3-5 yr increments, listing all the major events you can remember – things that were important, relationships, when you started & stopped things, schools, moves, births, deaths …. choices made, opportunities we didn’t take…..
12065669231219144528Anonymous_work_in_progress.svg.med— Don’t go into detail. Just list things in one sentence each
— Notice the recurring themes, patterns, avoidances… What good things are missing?
— Ask : which toxic rules might your patterns represent?

b. Details
• Pick any one of the phrases that rings a bell & write what comes up.
— Where did you learn this? Who in your family exemplified it?
— How do you act it out in your life?
— How do your friends, lovers, bosses… express it?

• Take it very slow. Spread this exercise out over months & years, if needed. Maybe just write a little & go back to it when you have more info about yourself & your history
GOAL:
• See the toxic family rules you’ve been following – so clearly – that you won’t be fooled any longer into thinking they’re legitimate!
• Slowly disobey them by changing your behavior, an action at a time, a day at a time.

In the beginning – when you do some inventorying – you’re likely to feel fear & guilt. Those emotions prove you’re doing the right thing for your healing. Don’t give up!
• To orient yourself toward healthier goals –  pick out some Healthy Rules that fit your situation, & mindfully, deliberately, use one or more as often as you can (every day, a little?)

✶✶ Breaking family rules can create a lot of anxiety, as the Negative Introject will try to guilt you into returning to the fold – like good sheep.
So the work must be a slow & gentle but with steady process – with lots of support (Al-Anon as one of many resources)

If you read many other posts on this blog, you’ll see references to “Toxic Rules” over & over, so this post will give you a context for thinking about all the other topics & as you work with them. (Post: “Why Are You Stuck?“) .

«
NEXT : Healthy Rules, #1

What Others Think of Me is None of My Business (#1)

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LONELY CREATURES
We’re all social animals, but also need privacy

PREVIOUS: Safe & Unsafe People

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

NOTE: Many people in the mental health field, spiritual practices & new-age wisdom say we shouldn’t worry about what others think of us. Yes, OK, but it’s not that simple! What they don’t tell you is that there’s 2 different aspects, the negative & the positive.

1. DAMAGE (ACoA version) – for anyone with limited self-esteem / S-H, there’s always the assumption that other people don’t like us – it’s our default position & hard to let go of.  And that has 2 parts too! Doesn’t everything?  AH, Dualism!  I can’t help it – I’m a 22/4 with an 8 Destiny. I see both sides – ‘now’. 🙂 Anyway…

a. Awkward (lame, a “drip”? —>)akward
• If we’re obnoxious, angry, childish, clingy, lazy, needy, selfish, un-groomed, or say lots of dumb things – OR just full of negativity & self-doubt, then most people will not like us!

• If we care, these problems can be worked on – if we have the courage, right kind of help & willingness to deal with the pain, sadness & fear that’s at the root all our ‘shortcomings’

• If we don’t care, or the resistance is too great to get past, the external signs & internal causes never get corrected. A great loss for us as individual & to society, but each has their own path.

b. Isolators: Some ACoAs (not about Extroverts / Introverts)
isolate• hide out because of some physical or mental disorder
• but mostly it’s from — Fear, Lack of good Boundaries & Self-hate : wounded souls who need lots of love but aren’t allowed to let it in, even when it’s available. They blame themself for everything that goes wrong. They ‘don’t belong’

• At the other extreme are those wounded ACoAs who are always angry,  complaining, dissatisfied & think they’re superior. They push others away & lose out. They have S-H too, but their whole focus is outside of themself, blaming everyone else for their troubles

c. Acceptable:  Most of us are not social misfits –
• we have an education, jobs, mates, maybe children & some outside interest. YET we think everyone is going to judge us harshly, find out we’re frauds, see  all our flaws… later if not sooner, especially if they get to know usbeing udged
• that’s straightforward Projection onto others of – how our parents treated us & now, our self-judgement

• also, it’s Mind-reading (a CD). We’re sure we know what others are thinking – especially about us, & it’s always negative. That’s ACoA grandiosity.  Stay out of other people’s heads!
• Sadly, even when others like us, love, admire & laud us – we have a hard time believing it, don’t trust it, get embarrassed, tell them why it’s not true. Yuck!

2. Mental HEALTH  — All humans NEED connections, but in differing amounts.
a. Normal:
• Extroverts. (They are 75-80% of the population, at least in the West)
They thrive on the energy absorbed by being around a lot of activity – choices, options, people, events….. even if not interacting with them directly.  (PS – not referring to the energy vampires).
Think: a walk in the park on a great spring day alone, when intro/extroeveryone’s out,  or an evening with a bunch of friends, just ‘messing around’. Doesn’t have to be heavy or deep, although that’s good too. Just being ‘part of’ feels great

• Introverts need activity too with others, just in much smaller doses. They’re mostly comfortable one-on-one & in small groups, for short periods. They derive their energy internally, & are overwhelmed by too much external input.

NEXT: What others think…. #2

REPAIRING Boundaries – with SELF

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Bs OY, ANOTHER PROCESS!
It’s so much work – but I need it

PREVIOUS : Healthy Bs, #2

REVIEW Boundaries Defined // Source / / Info

SITE : “Setting Bs with Oneself”


REPAIRING Damaged Boundaries (Bs)
The source of unhealthy Bs comes from our upbringing. As a result – in the present – it’s a lack of self-worth, not believing we have any rights.
“SIEVES” (leaking from damaged or non-functioning Bs) are trying to gain value by trying to please others, so they let everyone invade their space, obeying Toxic Rules like “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine”

1. FOR YOURSELF
a. Form a clear sense of your personal values.
b. Identify specific ways your WEAK Bs are unproductive & self-defeating, & write down how they show up in your life. Think of ‘character defects’ as expressions of Self-Hate

c. Notice the fear-based beliefs that reinforce your resistance to change (CDs & Toxic Rules).  List specific ones that apply to you & how you act them out (talking & doing)

d. Identify all POSITIVE Bs that are important to you (5-15 items). These may shift over time, so stay current.
List at least 1 B. from each PMES category that you:
— absolutely will not compromise on, because they’re CORE
— can afford some wiggle room on, because they’re not as crucial to your comfort & safety

e. Make a “Who Am I?” journal. Have separate pages for PMES sub-headings like – Accomplishments, Education, Natural Qualities, Skills, Strengths, Talents, Tastes, Values …..
Fill in any characteristics that come to mind. Ask others to provide the positive qualities they see in you. Continue adding to it as you see more good things about yourselfself-writing

f. Write letters to yourself encouraging the changes you want to activate, that nurture your right to have healthy Bs.
Include 2-handed conversations with your:
• Wounded Child, about how you’d like to help it heal from S-H
• Healthy Inner Child – about ways you want to support it to be visible & happy
• Pig Parent (Negative Introject) – about how you don’t agree with its lies any more!

g. Make 2 lists of Personal Rights, for yourself & for relationships. Keep them on your phone so you can read them often & also keep hard copies on your mirrors, fridge…. (Qs re. Friends….)rights
Pick one ‘Right’ you’d like to develop & incorporate it into your life for a month. At the end of that time write down what happened & how you feel.
Pick another ‘Right’ & do the same….
Re. “Support” – see next post.

h. Keep a separate journal to record the PMES pain** you feel when you don’t stick to your Bs with others. The idea is to cut thru denial about how it affects you, practically & emotionally.
🥲 This kind of pain is NOT from self-recrimination or fear of rejection. Rather, it is the most basic pain of self-abandonment, reproducing what our parents did to us. Without connecting to our emotions, we keep repeating the old ways – as if they don’t cause more damage. It does!

**A certain level of pain is a useful motivator if it’s not too much. Don’t turn ‘failures’ into S-H, depression & isolation. Identify what led up to each B violation, because you were :hurting
• in a situation which pushed a very big button that’s still unhealed
• still letting the WIC run your life, or at least in certain areas….
• tired, ill or otherwise stressed, so more vulnerable
• unaware there would be problems in a new situation
• with the wrong person who always invades Bs, & who no one can stop

i. Regularly build in time for yourself, away from your job, mate, children, & pets – alone to relax (just veg).
Take space for spiritual growth, self-care, humor, fun & creativity, AND make plans to be with close friends
fun• If you have a hard time saying ‘No’, look for opportunities to practice, without anger if possible, or with anger if that‘s the only way – at first. Eventually people will get used to this change in you. If they don’t, one of you will inevitably let go

• If you have trouble saying “Yes” for one-to-one social events, or anything involving groups, be willing to accept an invitation from time to time. You’ll be uncomfortable, but do the Inner Child book-ending for each situation & see what the realistic outcomes usually are.

NEXT:  Forming  Bs with OTHERS (#1)

ACoAs & Boundary INVASIONS (Part 2)

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no limits

PREVIOUS: B. INVASIONS (#1)

ARTICLES: ‘Sexual Abuse / Trauma’
“The Incestuous Family” – Roles re sexual abuse


BOUNDARY INVASIONS  (cont)
2. MENTAL Coercion

3. Family SYMBIOSIS
a. Insecure parents :
• push for an ‘us against the world’ attitude, hoping to increase family solidarity, powered by denial of dysfunction, & an unbearable threat to their sense of identity
• can be over-protective.  On the surface it may look like love, but they’re only trying to keep us attached by dis-empowering us
📲 The underlying message is that we’re incompetent, weak & have to be afraid of everything

• may attribute the wrong motive to other kids or adults’ unpleasant/ abusive treatment of us, no matter what we actually did (cause trouble or not, be friendly or withdrawn….)
When we complained about the bullies, Mother may say: “Those kids are just jealous of you because you’re so much better than everyone else in the class”, which becomes the twisted thought “The boss doesn’t like me because I’m smarter than her”…. distortion

b. Distortions
 CDs cause many problems for children. IT :
• gave us a distorted view of how the world works, making it hard for us later on to take responsibility for our motives & action
• prevented us from – becoming fully socialize, taking normal risks & learning about the many options available in life
• severely increased our inappropriate school / social behavior, making it easy to be a target for bullying, insuring distance from peers, & forced to stay dependent on the family

Familiar phrases: ~ Blood is thicker than water ~  Never air our dirty laundry in public  ~  No one else will love you like we do
~ You’ll never make it on your own so we’ve got to stick together ~ We’re better than ‘those’ people
OR a childhood taunt:  “You have a face only a mother could love, & she died”!

c. Family Insularity is an attempt to feel safe BUT built on fear-based rules that inevitably lead to constriction, intolerance & an inability to collaborate / cooperate well with others.
Ironically it also creates isolation, scapegoating, unhealthy alliances & splits inside the family, which then get repeated in adulthood.
EXP: A  part of the dysfunctional family mobile, being trapped in a toxic ROLE, (Scapegoat. Lost Child….) had “negative benefits.” It seemed useful by ‘protecting’ a parent from their emotional problems, the consequences of their addictions, & whitewashing outright abuses.
As adults we look for the same kind of payoff when playing out our Role in the larger world (protecting a mate, boss….), which doesn’t work now either, only reinforcing our sense of being a failure.

4. Parental NARCISSISM (N)
a. Boundary invasions
• Ns require that everyone be their carbon copy, with no room for children to develop their individuality
• children need mirroring (reflecting back who the other person be like meis, without adding anything of oneself), but Ns can’t do that since they’re only projecting themself on to the child

Narcissists don’t recognize there are such things as Bs, that others are separate & not extensions of themselves. People either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Anyone who provides narcissistic ‘supply’ will be treated as if they’re part of the controller, who demands the victim live up to their expectations (think: spider & fly).

• Some N. phrases:
“What’s yours is mine & what’s mine is nobody’s business”
“Do as I say – not as I do”, “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”
“No son of mine is ever going to…..”
“This is the thanks I get – after all I’ve done for you”
“Do that in the morning when you’re fresh” said by a mother always raring to go at 6 am, to her child who was born a dyed-in-the-wool night person!
Watch:  ‘Angry-martyr Narcissist” on YouTube

b. Role Ambiguity
Parental N. spawns much identity confusion. Since only their needs count, the children take on a parent role – “I am them”, & many a parent acts like a needy kid – “They are me”.

Family members aren’t sure who’s in or out of the clan, who’s performing what tasks or legitimate roles : Dad acts like a ‘girl’ , Sis is the ‘mom’, little Brother is the family shrink…..

Al-anon IMAGE: A co-dependent decides to kill himself by jumping off the roof of a tall building.  As he’s falling, someone else’s life flashes before his eyes!

NOTE: If you have firm boundaries in the face of a narcissist, the relationship won’t usually last! Good – better for you!

NEXT: B. Invasions (Part 3)

“They Did the Best They Could” (Part 2)

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denial  PREVIOUS : They did the best … (#1)

 

First – Review Part 1

2. DENIAL : Re. US (cont.)
i. PROBLEM
We want to ‘forgive’ without going thru the process of healing!
• Most of our parents may not have been evil – although some definitely were, & some things they did are unforgivable.
And some ACoAs determined to ‘have it out’ with a parent or other abuser, or try to explain our experience & point of view. So we’ve tried, over & over, but got flat denial or more abuse. It’s been an absolute waste of time – they don’t want to know!repetition compulsion

➼ Motivation
WHY do we want to approach them about the pain they caused? Usually it’s because the WIC wants to do the impossible – change them, get them ‘to see’, force them to admit their culpability, OR just hurt them back….
ii. REALITY
• our WIC is still in deep shock. We need to identify & validate those early experiences before we can let ‘move on’. Until then, our life is run by our damage
• we are very angry at them. We need to feel it, but only in safe ways & places, away from them – with people who can hear our pain & don’t have a stake in shutting us up
• we need a clear picture of the toxic lessons we learned, so we know what to change
• we have to stop wanting our unavailable family’s approval & love, since they can’t because they haven’t dealt with their early damage, & probably never will.
As adults, some of us have a better relationship with parts of our family, but most don’t. We have to accept that or we’ll keep feeling devastated

• we can’t afford to exonerate them, to white-wash the abuse & neglect.  It’s what they taught us to do – to never hold them accountable.  SO now we don’t hold others accountable either for bad behavior, letting ourselves be exploited

➼ WHY is this this process important? Because – as long as we negate their responsibility, we take it on as ours.
We need to see the truth, not them, so we can stop copying old patterns (Freud’s Repetition Compulsion)

• This bears repeating – self-hate tells us we always cause all our suffering – old & new. This is a lie.  Just think – our parents were fully formed & set in their ways before we were born, no matter how young they were. We could not possibly have been bad enough as ages 2, 5, 10…. to warrant the neglect, punishments & accusations we got! It was their damage, their rage, their abandonment pain, their addictions, their anxiety – NOT US!

BTW, sometimes it’s OK to talk with family members – if they are willing, to ANSWER questions about :
— what they remember about us as kids, & their early experiences with us (be specific)
— about a parent’s childhood & life before having us kids

Also ASK our siblings what their experiences were in our family, & how they saw things back then.
It can be very helpful, because each kid’s experience is different, which can round out our understanding of what we lived thru.

• And ask parents to LISTEN to:
– what WE remember (good, but mostly bad)
– how we felt back then, and now
– what we needed & missed
– how we’d like to be treated in the present…..

….. BUT ONLY when we’ve done some rage work, to approach them with equanimity & boundaries, and without the expectation that they’ll change, understand or respond ‘sanely’!
It’s not about punishing them NOR getting them to see our point!
So – what would be the point?

✶ The main purpose is for the Inner Child (both wounded & healthy) to have our Adult help us become visible, to stand up for ourselves, to finally have our say, no matter what the outcome. We we voiceless as kids, but not anymore!
EXP:  After may years of Recovery, one woman sat at the kitchen table for 2 hrs, calmly telling her narcissistic mother what she’d learned about her childhood.
At the end the mother’s only comment was: “So you’re saying I should never have been a mother”.
“Yes” responded the daughter, unfazed & without guilt – even tho that’s not what she’d said or implied. Then they went about making dinner. Amazing!

NEXT: They did the best…. #3

WHAT is GUILT? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,

Man with tamI PLEAD GUILTY !
Since everything is about ME (isn’t it?)- it must be me, I’m always wrong

PREVIOUS: ACoA SiteMap

SITEs:  How to deal with Guilt Trippers
• 3 Types of Guilt & How to Let Them Go

NOTE: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

POINT 1. Guilt (G) is a normal EMOTION, but not a primary one like fear, joy, sadness, love….
Since it helps preserve social bonds, a moderate amount of guilt is adaptive. Too much is crippling, repeatedly telling lies trains the brain to ignore feeling bad about it, & not having any remorse is psychopathic.
ACoA focus on guilt explained in Part 2

POINT 2. Guilt is the emotion mainly related to ACTIONS or NON-actions, but also to ‘unacceptable’ thoughts & wishes

POINT 3. General USES of guilt are for:
a. exerting influence – G is used by some people in close relationships to control another’s behavior (MORE….)
— the one with less power can get their way by guilting the one with more
EXP: “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do that / would do that for me”
— The one with more power can shame & punish the one with less
EXP: “I guess you mean I shouldn’t have been a mother” when told of old hurts

b. spreading out emotional stress – negative & positive sides of a ‘bad’ situation – acknowledging you’ve messed up, AND showing you care about that person or event
EXP: “If you (person A) feel guilty over not taking out the garbage, chances are your spouse (person B)–who wanted it taken out–will feel better knowing that. In this way, emotional equity is restored, because bad feelings in A are restored to B, who caused them,” (psychologist Roy F. Baumeister, CWRU of OH) Abstract Article

c. maintaining relationships – G depends on inter-personal context, a two-person experience, which can help make people pay attention to others
EXP: feeling bad about not keeping a promise, not spending enough time with loved ones, not responding to texts….
Given how uncomfortable guilt can feel, it can provide a strong motive to apologize, correct or make up for a wrong, & be more responsibly in future- BUT only if the mis-behavior is legitimate

‘Normal’ TYPES of G – in relation to actions, cause by:
a. something you did — wrong : that harmed another person, that violated your own ethical or moral code, or something you swore you’d never do again. In these cases, there’s no doubt it happened

b. something you didn’t do, but want to — thinking a lot about an action that’s against your own principles, or is dishonest, unfaithful, or illegal.

This kind of G can be confusing, with conscience poking a finger at you.
Since you didn’t actually commit the act (yet), & no one know what you’re thinking – you’re still on moral high ground. But obsessing about wanting to do something you know is wrong (for yourself or toward others) can make you very uncomfortable

c. something you think you did — A lot of present-day unhappiness comes from our own irrational thoughts about situations we’re in. Some people will be wracked with G if they’re convinced they did something wrong, even if there’s no objective evidence of that.

EXP: The magical belief you can jinx people by just wishing them ill, without acting on it. If something bad actually happens to them later, you’ll secretly think it was because you were that powerful!  At some level you ‘know’ that’s illogical, but it’s hard to give up the belief altogether

d. that you didn’t do enough to help someone — who you know is having a hard time or is sick, but you don’t call to check on them or help in some practical way.
OR – you’re already doing too much for someone, & you take a break or just stop, because you’re burned out (compassion fatigue). Continuing to act out of guilt will only drain you further & end up making you a less effective helper

e. that you’re doing better than someone else. It can be:
— adult children doing much better in life than their alcoholic / narcissistic family, or poorly-adapted immigrant parents, such as going to college, making more money….. even if they say they want their children to succeed

— the only person left in the family after some natural (fire) or social (war) disaster, often will feel survivor guilt, even though the event was totally out of their control. This can have Spiritual implications – they were meant to survive for a reason. 😢

NEXT: What is Guilt (#2)