OY, ANOTHER PROCESS!
It’s so much work – but I need it
SITE : “Setting Bs with Oneself”
REPAIRING Damaged Boundaries (Bs)
The source of unhealthy Bs comes from our upbringing. As a result – in the present – it’s a self-worth issue, not believing we have any rights.
“SIEVES” (anyone with damaged or non-functioning Bs) are trying to gain value by trying to please others, so let everyone invade their space, obeying Toxic Rules like “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine”
1. FOR YOURSELF
a. Form a clear sense of your personal values.
d. Identify all POSITIVE Bs that are important to you (5-15 items). These may shift over time, so stay current.
List at least 1 B. from each PMES category that you:
— absolutely will not compromise on, because they’re CORE
— can afford some wiggle room on, because they’re not as important to your comfort & safety
e. Make a “Who Am I?” journal. Have separate pages for PMES sub-headings like – Accomplishments, Education, Natural Qualities, Skills, Strengths, Talents, Tastes, Values …..
Fill in any characteristics that come to mind. Ask others to provide the positive qualities they see in you. Continue adding to it as you see more good things about yourself
f. Write letters to yourself encouraging the changes you want to activate, that nurture your right to have healthy Bs.
Include 2-handed conversations with your:
• Wounded Child, about how you’d like to help it heal from S-H
• Healthy Inner Child – about ways you want to support it to be visible & happy
• Pig Parent (Negative Introject) – about how you don’t agree with its lies any more!
g. Make 2 lists of Personal Rights, for yourself & for relationships. Paste it where you can read it often & keep copies on your mirrors, fridge, phone, tablet…. (Qs re. Friends….)
Pick one ‘Right’ you’d like to develop & incorporate it into your life for a month.
At the end of that time write down what happened & how you feel.
Pick another ‘Right’ & do the same….
Re. “Support” – see next post.
h. Keep a separate journal to record the PMES pain** you feel when you don’t stick to your Bs with others. The idea is to cut thru denial about how it affects you, practically & emotionally.
🥲 This kind of pain is NOT from self-recrimination or fear of rejection. Rather, it is the most basic pain of self-abandonment, reproducing what our parents did to us. Without connecting to our feelings, we keep repeating the old ways – as if they don’t cause more damage.
**A certain level of pain is a useful motivator if it’s not too much.
Don’t turn ‘failures’ into S-H, depression & isolation.
Identify what led up to each B violation, because you were :
• in a situation which pushed a very big button that’s still unhealed
• still letting the WIC run your life, or at least in certain areas….
• tired, ill or otherwise stressed, so you were more vulnerable
• unaware there would be problems in a new situation
• with the wrong person who always invades Bs, & who no one can stop
i. Regularly build in time for yourself, away from your job, mate, children, & pets – alone to relax (just veg). Take space for spiritual growth, self-care, humor, fun & creativity, AND make plans to be with close friends
• If you have a hard time saying ‘No’, look for opportunities to practice, without anger if possible, or with anger if that‘s the only way – at first. Eventually people will get used to this change in you. If they don’t, one of you will inevitably let go
• If you have trouble saying “Yes” for one-to-one social events, or anything involving groups, be willing to accept an invitation from time to time. You’ll be uncomfortable, but do the Inner Child book-ending for each situation & see what the realistic outcomes usually are.
NEXT: Setting HEALTHY Boundaries (#2)