Problem-Solving

PROCESS – Recovery (Part 2a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

 YOU MEAN PROCESS WORKS?
Yes. And it’s not a dirty word!

PREVIOUS: Process – ACoA version

BOOK:  PASSAGES, ∼ Gail Sheehy

  1. ACoA PROBLEM (part 1)

2. HEALTHY PROCESS – using Al-Anon’s 3 As
a. AWARENESS (Aw) – mainly ‘head’
i. What: Process is usually about information, based in reality
• something about ourselves, our past, the people we do/did interact with – those ‘AHA‘ moments that makes sense of something confusing or distressing
• it can be the end result of years of study & self-examination or by making an intuitive leap
• can also be about buried emotions which surface, sometimes unexpectedly, as a shock or as a result of conscious Recovery work
• a moment of ‘Spiritual Awakening’ – which lights up our inner worldawareness

ii. How: Aw. can come from:
• books, TV, movies, songs, websites, blogs
• therapy, 12-step programs, ministers, other healers
• talking to family, friends – even strangers
• meditation, journaling, drawing, Inner Child Writing or visualizations…

iii. Who – is comes mainly from the Healthy ADULT ego state, which observes & learns from everything in the present, accumulating & putting pieces of info together – in our own unique way
• It does not include information coming from fear, self-hate, shame, guilt… So, NOT from the bad parent or the wounded child ego states

vi. About
• accepting that self-esteem is not arrogance, selfishness or ‘ego’
• active addicts made poor parents, friends, mates, bosses
• following the toxic family rules is soul murder
• knowing that perfectionism is an expression of self-hate
& THAT:
• it takes a certain amount of Recovery to realize just how damaged self-confidencewe really are! – as denial diminishes, & we can handle the truth about our family
• no matter how hard we try to improve ourselves, some people will never like us or be comfortable around us
THAT:
• some people won’t see us or agree with some strong belief we hold — IF agreeing would cost them their sense of personal equilibrium (unhealthy)
• our identity cannot, must not, depend on having everyone like or approve of us
• some people will not appreciate the changes & improvements that come from our growth
• we won’t convince others of our point of view or beliefs — IF it contradicts their Inner Truth (healthy), AND we shouldn’t try!

b. ACCEPTANCE (Acc) – mainly about Feelings & Process
☆ covered extensively in posts : ’Acceptance & ACoAs’
i. What:
• it takes time to thaw out (lessen rigid defenses) enough to allow old accumulated emotions to surface.  Still hidden in the unconscious, all that pain powers the engine of our S-H & lack of clear identity
• the opposite of our WIC’s alcoholic grandiosity, which makes us think we have impossible powers, over everything, all the time
• taking responsibility for our own lives, while thoroughly acknowledging what happened to us as kids
• the essence of the Serenity Prayer
• Al-Anon’s 3 Cs “I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it’ good group

ii. How – by:
• a conscious effort to deal with reality, as much as we can
• being willing to consistently be there for our IC
• having a loving, safe & smart support system
• persevering, no matter how long it takes
• understanding what to acc. & what not to put up with
• connecting with an H.P. of our understanding, to heal us

iii. Who – mainly acc. the Wounded Inner Child (WIC)
• psychically, we have a huge ‘trans-atlantic’ multi-stranded steel cable, with one end attached to our solar plexus & the other to our family (dead or alive), AND
• that in Recovery we have to snip away at each strand that feeds us their damage, while keeping any that are safe, healthy & useful. This takes time, effort & repetition

vi. About self-love
• all emotions give us legitimate information about our experiences & what’s bad or right or us
• we are damaged, NOT defective. Damage can be healed
• S-H is a defense against feeling the original abandonment pain
• everything self-hate tells us is always a LIE
❗️transferring personal power from the WIC to our developing UNIT
• normal = human = imperfect = OK / acceptable

NEXT : Healthy Process – “Actions” (Part 2)

PROCESS – ACoA Version (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

process 1


WHO NEEDS PROCESS?
I’ll just jump to the end. Much faster & less hassle!

PREVIOUS: Book version cancelled

 

ACoAs HATE process!

Process is the practical HOW TO of living well, something ACoAs barely learned, or not at all.
Our FAMILY (& other adults) :
• were not good role models (incompetent, drunk, controlling, bossy, weak, procrastinating, fearful – or just unavailable / absent)
• expected us to know what to do automatically (read their mind?)
“behave, make us proud, always look good, never mess up, learn a skill, go to college, be a good son or daughter / student / Christian…’

• wouldn’t let us help them do things (so we thought it meant we were hopelessly inept – even of we were only 6 or 10, or a teen…)
• either gave us incomplete or incorrect info, or didn’t help us figure out the process, expecting too much while getting frustrated & angry with us for not getting it right away, & ended up disgusted & abusive

✒︎ Did I mentioned? ACoAs HATE process & will do anything to avoid it, including not even notice we’re avoiding it!  We want to get THERE as fast as we can, like yesterday. We’ll see why.

goalsSO – what is it? A series of action steps or growth stages, between where we are now & where we want to be = HERE ——>/——>/——>/——> GOAL
The overall procedure is a series of –
A – Actions
Each step also has 2 major aspects –
T – (thoughts) ie. Information
E – & emotions

1. PROBLEMS : This looks simple, no? But nothing is simple for us!  (3 CHARTS…..)
a. ‘HERE’ : wherever we’re starting from. Seems obvious? Well, not always for ACoAs. We’re often either in lala land or in S-H about our current status. What’s needed is a fair assessment of our strengths, weaknesses AND outside resources/ support
So we ask: QUO VADIS? (Where are you going?)

b. ‘GOAL’: Another hitch. Because –
• many of us don’t know what we want, need, like, feel… so how can we have goals?
• we’re not allowed to think for or about ourself without interference, so we deny knowing what goals we may have
• some goals are only those we were programmed to take on
• some of us have very clear goals & strong desires – BUT are not allowed to pursue them (form the PigP),who am I
and the WIC is too terrified of failing or losing, if we tried

• other of the WIC’s goals aren’t within our capacity, not realistic or just plain unhealthy. If we focus on something that’s not feasible, naturally we’ll never achieve it, which just adds to our sense of hopelessness. (“Weak Decision Styles)
So we have to carefully think through what we’re aiming for

c. The STEPS: Next problem –
• we don’t know what the steps are – for many types of process
• we want to skip the ones we can’t handle instead of asking for help
• our family didn’t go thru process-steps, so we don’t know what stages ‘look like’
• we were expected to be little adults – so they wouldn’t have to be real adults – forced to skip the process of normal childhood developmental growth levels.  So we think that’s how it’s done:
“ACoAs get their MSW first, & their Birth Certificate later!”

Process is about ACTIONS. Each step is made up of:
 c1. Information (facts) – like how to make a resume, fill out forms, think thru a problem….. ACoAs are VERY smart, but we’re a human version of HAL, in ‘2001’.
Think: millions of data crystals fitted into the slots of our processing core – some are missing, many are there but corrupted & others are in perfhead & heartect working order BUT not linked to the recognition software! ie. – we don’t OWN all the good & accurate things we DO KNOW!

Even so, ACoAs are avid learners, book junkies, always searching, trying  to figure out how ‘normal’ people function. So this point is more manageable.  We can easily find info, especially now, on the net.

c2. Emotions – mainly FEAR (anxiety) like when we have to cold-call, interview, talk to a stranger at an event…. This is the real sticking point. We brought with us from childhood:
• OLD Emotions: so many painful experiences which never got validated or processed, so there’s a deep well of terror – which we now project on to anything that seems hard

• CURRENT Emotions from toxic beliefs : that Rolodex of negative Rules in our head which we obsessively repeat, insuring we won’t be able to take healthy actions if at all.
Negative thinking (CDs) creates high anxiety!  It’s not just the old fear that cause problems. It’s what we’re still believing right now that’s scaring us!

NEXT:  Healthy PROCESS (Part 2a)

REPLACING the Negative INTROJECT

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, HEAL & GROW for ACoAs, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

against the NI 

I HAVE THE POWER, ALREADY –
to defend my WIC from the NI / PP!

PREVIOUS :  Introject (Part 3)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


To HEAL & GROW – the TWO major goals are :
1.  Develop a strong, clear voice of our own, that we can follow – to be comfortable & even successful, in all parts of our life
2.  Form a POSITIVE INTROJECT, developed from healthy external sources. The idea is to ‘take in’ a new way of seeing ourself that’s emotionally self-sustaining, rather than endlessly dependent on others to feel OK.

Ways to disconnect from the Negative Introject (PigP) by developing our own identity (S & I) with help:
• actively practice disobeying the Toxic RULES
• believe in our Right to have needs, opinions & dreams
• clearly identify what the PigP is telling us & then counter it
• continually work at diminishing S-H by admitting original pain
AND
listen careful• develop strong boundaries with others, rather than walls, especially with anyone who treats us like our family
• get external acknowledgement & then continue internal validation of what we went thru as kids & still put up in the present, so that the PigP can’t fool us any more
• gradually separate the WIC’s dependence on the PigP & transfer it’s loyalty to our developing UNIT by always being the Good Parent
AND
• have the courage to say NO to unhealthy & unsuitable people
• learn what our own healthy, intuitive, inborn voice is saying, & then listen to -and- act on that instead
• thoroughly ‘get’ that the PigP abusive & therefore harmful
• use that validation to be in touch with our pain, rage & sorrow at the original abuse, so we’re not wasting energy in denial

Distancing from the PigP
• We can tell it move aside, leave our Inner Child alone, shut up in there!…. OR
• We can try to sooth the bad voice by validating it’s pain / fear… and telling it we understand its pain, that it will not be harmed by anything positive we’re doing for ourselves, BUT never agreeing inner childwith it
OR
• don’t respond at all – ignore it.  Talk to the WIC instead, soothing & comforting it. The better your connection with the kid, the less power the PigP will have.
The PigP will try to fight for its life, but with consistent self care, eventually it’ll get quieter & fade, even if it’s still in the far background
BEFORE
✓ IF WE – tried to protect one parent from the other, because the victim one was too weak to stand up for themself; OR if one parents left, or died
❇ Then we became the replacement punching bag, or spouse-substitute, or tried protecting them by magical thinking….

✓ IF WE – took on a depressed parent’s suicidal feelings (even if they never acted on them directly)
❇ Then we became suicidal, from love and a child’s magical belief that we could then keep them alive…

In RECOVERY – we can gradually shed as much family damage as we’re able. Once we identify what’s our damage & what’s theirs, we can say daily affirmations, do visualizations t& disagree with the bad voice. inner workings

✓ IF we’re still attached to an old family role & reproduce it in current relationships
❇ NOW we can give our parents back to each other. It was THEIR relationship, their marriage, their loss… SAY: “Dad / Mom, You’re not my mate. I give you back to him/her to deal with. I have my own life to live & it was never my job.”

✓ IF we’re still attracted to physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually dangerous people or situations unsuitable to growth
❇ NOW we can give them back the responsibility for their own life, so we don’t have to act on their wish to escape. We don’t have to kill ourselves. PACK UP what’s theirs. Then mentally go up to each person & return it – lay the box or bag at their feet AND walk away!

Develop a POSITIVE INTROJECT
It’s appropriate to ABSORB all kinds of positive feedback from outside sources – accurate, intelligent, patient, positive, realistic, supportive, validating, & spiritual.
Healthy mirroring & guidance can be FROM :
• a loving family member, if there is one
• any appropriate 12-step Program, rehab, workshops…
• a knowledgeable psychotherapist, & perhaps a group therapy
free inner child• helpful books & literature (psychological & spiritual)
FROM :
• our Higher Power, spiritual or religious teachers/ leaders, if suitable
• successful well-known people, as role models & inspiration
• craneo-sacral & other knowledgeable body workers, nutritionist…
• good friends, a supportive mate, caring adult-children AND pets
• business partners, clients, acquaintances – anyone who values your abilities ….

Remember to calm your WIC when it gets overwhelmed by how much there is to sort out in Recovery. Like with any new skill – it takes knowledge, guidance, time & practice.

NEXT: Notice re. book version of blog

Negative INTROJECT (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

 
IF I LISTEN CAREFULLY
I’ll be able to catch the NI’s lies

PREVIOUS: Negative Introject (# 3)

 

💠PRISONERS of the Negative Introject  (Part 3)

💠INVENTORY
A starting point to free ourselves of our self-destructive attachment to the Negative Introject (PigP) is to clearly hear what’s being whispered in our inner ear. We may never completely rid ourselves of it, but can go a long way toward setting it aside

• Take each phrase below that applies – write down how it feels emotionally (Es), & what negative patterns you’ve developed in response to it (As). Then for each one, find a loving & logical counter you can tell your Inner Child.

The PigP (IT) voice, reflecting our actual family:
✒︎ “I’m JUST TRYING to HELP YOU”
• but everything it says is actually cruel, discouraging, fear-based & inaccurate or distortedinner talk
✒︎“I want to be proud of you, isn’t that normal?”
⚠️ unfortunately it’s ONLY about how we reflect on it, not what’s truly good for us

✒︎ “You can do anything you want”
⚠️ but only as long as it approves
✒︎ ”You’re such a Good Boy / Good Girl”
⚠️ as long as you act the way it wants

✒︎ “I just want to stop you from making a big mistake”
– It’s projecting:
⚠️ its own fear of taking any risk, much less positive ones
⚠️ mistakes it has made, without owning them or explaining to us
⚠️ its inability or unwillingness to see our personality & skills

Can it imagine us as a separate being who may know what we want? maybe very different from them?
OR PigP repeats:
About youinner-critic
• You’re a looser so don’t bother, you never do anything right anyway
• you’re ugly, stupid, selfish… no one will ever want / love you
• no matter what you do, you’ll never get anywhere ….
💟 NONE of these are true about us!

About the world : “Sure, you can leave home (us) but just remember —
• the world is a dog-eat-dog place, don’t trust anyone
• no one will help you, you’re on your owndog-eat-dog
• everyone’s out to get you, so always watch your back….”

This may be what our parents went through. In some ways it can be true about the outside world, but for us, it was definitely true about our home life!

The Negative Introject is ONLY interested in itself, NOT us, no matter what it’s saying.  We need to get this on a cellular level – even if it claims to “only wants our best”.
It’s really talking about its own survival, focused only on its own loneliness, fear of abandonment & self-hate, NOT ours. It’s their dis-owned projections that’s now our PigP.

Role reversal : to the degree that the PigP represent one or both damaged parents, who were also run by their WIC’s pain, it wants us to take care of it. The originals were narcissists (or sadists) – emotional children who wanted to be rescued, to vent their rage & frustrations, using us to dump that on. Only their needs counted!

For many of our caretakers, the only “power” they had in the world came from controlling weaker beings (us) who wouldn’t defy them or leave – sometimes employees or friends, often a spouse, always the kids.
This is crucial to understand, because the WIC is still trying to get their attention & love, which is not possible!

YES, our extejudgmentalrnal parents may say / have said they love us, but even if they felt an attachment, it is / was in a selfish way – as an extension of themselves, not for who we are inherently.
We can tell this by:
• the fact that we never felt safe, seen or loved by them, AND BY
• noticing all the ways they disapprove(d) of us – not just some behaviors & choices as teaching tools, (normal for loving parents), BUT of our Natural Self – our very essence!

AND NOW – if we spend any time with the original source of the Introject PigP we absorbed —> afterward we feel depressed, confused, rageful, incompetent, self-hating, guilty, even suicidal.

NEXT: Positive Introject – Healing

Negative INTROJECT (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

bad voice 2
SHUT UP IN THERE!
I don’t know how to get rid of you

PREVIOUS: Introject (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

💠PURPOSE of the PigP (Part 2)

💠EGO STATES
A Healthy Self would include the Natural Child as our essence, & a relatively un-wounded Adapted Child, composed of the positive values, mores & beliefs of its specific society. Eventually well-adjusted people also form a Healthy Adult & Loving Patent ‘UNIT’ learned from a family with competence, generosity, humor, self-esteem, social ease & love.

However, OUR:
a. ADULT may or may not be functional – some of us put all our energy into being ‘competent’ while others barely get by, waiting for someone else to be the Good Parent for us.
b. Introject (PigP  / ‘IT’) holds all of the dysfunctional family’s accumulated minuses, along with some plusses, & secretly runs our lifeCHILD e.s.

c. Adapted Child holds all of our damage, from trying to Do or Be whatever we thought would finally get our parents’ approval & acceptance – but never did
EXP: If you liked & were good at sports AND they (only) approved of you for that, you’d put all your energy into being the best at sports – not just to express yourself, but to wring a drop of acceptance from them. Anything else, like needs & emotions, were sacrificed

d. Natural Child is mostly hidden, yet peeps out in spite of the PP
EXP: being good in school, winning awards, love of music, reading, sports, being quiet vs, being boisterous…. AND even our choice of addictions reflect our natural personality. Why do some people choose sex over a food addiction, pot over alcohol, addictive relationships rather than chemicals….?

What ALL ACoAs are MISSING:
e. The Loving Parent, because we didn’t have any role models for that, OR if we did have one person in our childhood that treated us better than others, it couldn’t make up for the avalanche of bad parenting from everyone else

💠PRISONERS of the Negative Introject (PigP)
Until we do FoO work (family of origin), too much of our persona is the result of the harmful way our family trained us. Unfortunately, this False Self is what we consider our identity. We say “I’m just born that way , It’s my personality…” when talking about our character defects. We don’t see that they’re expressions of S-H, since we aren’t allowed to acknowledge our inherent gifts & talents

• Without S & I, (separation PP's prisoner& individuation) we’re ‘one’ with the bad voice – constantly placating & obeying it, without knowing that’s what we’re doing. After all, “Does a fish know it’s wet?”

As kids we were afraid of them – of displeasing them, of their temper & craziness, & of being punished, which was usually unfairly & over the top
• And we’re still afraid of them, if they’re alive, OR if they’re only in the form of our Introject. Even if they’re gone – it doesn’t diminish the power of their imprinting.

IRONY
As adults, in spite of our rage & frustration at their unavailability & abusiveness, we’re afraid to let go of the PP. Although the voice is always torturing us, the WIC is so used to the connection it doesn’t know any other way to ‘get taken care of’. This holds true until we take on the responsibility of parenting ourself.

This desperate attachment is based on:
perfectionist• our longing for them, & not wanting to give up the illusion that someday they’ll come thru for us
• not having a solid identity of our own. As long as our S-H has us in its grip, we continue to believe no one else will want us, so better stay “with the devil we know”

If we believe we can’t leave the PigP or get rid of it, we spend a lot of our energy trying to silence it with addictions (food, money, sex, chemicals….), while at the same time making inhuman efforts to get it to stop hurting us, to see reason, to understand… rather than getting away by disobeying its Toxic Rules!

NEXT: Negative Introject (Part 4)

Negative INTROJECT (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

those voices
YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Is it the Pig Parent or the damaged kid?

PREVIOUS: Negative Introject  (Part 1)

Pig Parent (PigP) comes from”Games People Play”

💠WHY is it so IMPORTANT to identify the PigP?  (Part 1)

💠HOW CAN WE TELL when the ‘PigP’ Introject is talking?
a. Using the ‘YOU’ form – when talking to ourselves in a negative, harsh way.
“You should have know better, You know everyone thinks you’re stupid, You could have done more” ….

In this form, our original caretakers can keep us terrified, dependent, dis-empowered – so they won’t lose their grip & fade away. The they wouldn’t get their needs met (thru us), not wanting to do that for themselves. That’s what they need us for!

denialOR we may only hear:
b. The ‘I’ form – the Wounded Inner Child (WIC) expressing its S-H in response to & fully believing the PP, who’s off stage – but definitely not absent – spewing it’s poison from the wings.
We can only hear it indirectly, as puppet master, when we self-talk in the same judgmental, impatient way they talked to us.
Only now it’s in the first person, the WIC mimicking : “I’m such a looser , I never do anything right , I don’t know how to do things , No one could ever love me”…..

‘b’ is much sneakier 
THEM: By being way in the background it can’t be held accountable – staying off the hot seat, harder to catch as the source of the abuse, which it’ll never admit to anyway, even when we try to confront it!

US: We collude (unconsciously) with it to keep it hidden from ourselves, because we can’t bear to admit how dangerous our ‘loved ones’ were. But now that they’re ‘inside’, we don’t know how to get rid of them.

💠 UNHEALTHY tries at shutting up the PigP :
• heavy drinking & drug use, & all other addictions (sex, food, spending, exercise, internet….)
• overworking, endless schooling, career we hate….
• suicide attempts or suicidal behavior (dangerous people & activities)

BTW – Some ACoAs refer to our PigP by a name & image that suits its character & our imagination: THE ‘Bat’ we hit ourselves with / ‘Bats’ – parent’s who only call at night when they’re drunk /  Vampire / Gorn – from Star Trek / Monster /  Mom or Dad / the Shadow….  What’s yours?

💠PURPOSE of the PigP
a. The WIC hangs on to it with a fanatic devotion because it’s the only version of a ‘parent’ it’s ever known. It’s afraid to let go because  – as one ACoA screamed in therapy “What will I do without them?”
Slowly replacing it using the UNIT to consistently, lovingly parent ourself, the WIC will let go, but not quickly or easily!

b. The PigP uses it’s convoluted, sadistic power to pour gas on the flame of life’s stresses TO:
• validate its beliefs (T) & actions (A), so it never has to face change
• mask its own FoA by keeping us symbiotically attached.
⚠️If we stay convinced their abuse was our fault, we’ll never expel it

💠POWER of the PigPintrojecting
a. Technically – it’s wired into our brain from birth into deep pathways, by repetition & emotional bonds (the limbic system & frontal cortex).  Each groove forms the easiest way electrical energy travels (strongest chemical trace), so it becomes our default setting

AA-ers say “Alcoholics dig their own ruts, then decorate them – making them so comfortable they never want to move out!”

b. Psychologically – From the WIC
• all children are completely loyal to their parents & their zeitgeist, but ACoAs can’t afford to admit how toxic they were. We love & need them, even when we hate them. So we keep protecting them – at our own peril!

• Those original adults taught us to be afraid of the world AND that we are unlovable. Our connection to them is painful, but the world feels even worse, so we won’t ‘leave home’. Convinced no one else will want uego statess &/or they’ll trample us, we stay attached to the PigP rather than risk the ‘horror’ of the unknown. (Acceptance, #1)

From the PigP – Internalized voices have a life of their own (ego states), made up of our family’s:
• dis-owned emotions (S-H, fear, rage, shame, guilt, loneliness, hopelessness…..) AND
• destructive thoughts, rigid beliefs, irrational opinions (‘stinking thinking’), & occasionally something useful, positive, interesting…..

NEXT: Negative Introject (Part 3)

Negative INTROJECT (Part 1)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

IT’S EITHER ME OR THEM.
So far they’ve been winning!

PREVIOUS: Mind-reading vs Intuition #3

REVIEW posts : ‘Ego States’

SITE: Antidotes to Toxic Intimacy

INTRO-Who?
💠GENERAL: From the very beginning of life all children are PMES (Mental, Emotional, Physical & Spiritual) sponges – ‘swallowing whole’ every moment of every part of their environment. Kids are highly intuitive & very observant. We picked up:
• what we saw, what we heard, where we went
• how we were treated, at home & outside
AND
• our parents’ emotions, values, opinions and secrets – whether obvious, unexpressed, or those hidden from themselves (denied)
• how adults treated each other – our parents with each others & our siblings, their parents & siblings, their exes, friends, bosses…  (Antidotes)

BUT, all of that was experienced & processed thru the lens of a child’s limited brain capacity & mental perspective, AND their specific personality. Therefore, each child in a family will have a different ‘story’ of what happened.
So to get an accurate picture we’d need everyone’s point of view formed into a psychological collage.

💠IN THE PRESENTgood voice
In common: Everyone has an Inner Guide to good & proper behavior – our inborn, God-given conscience, & the beneficial or harmful ‘super-ego’ version of our specific society. (This is NOT schizophrenia, or other mental illness)

People with relatively sane childhoods have an OK or POSITIVE INTROJECT for self-soothing, & to be of legitimate help to others

However, ACoAs raised in an emotionally unhealthy, neglectful, abusive, torturing environment have a Negative Introject – cruel, distorted, rigid, unsympathetic, & a LIAR! – the Pig Parent (PigP) from”Games People Play“. We absorbed:
• some good stuff, here & there, but mainly it was …..
• …. all the damage & dysfunction of our home & community!  Imagine – every kid has to try to make sense of their ‘world’ with distorted info & very limited experience, & many without any loving help to navigate life. This turned into Self-Hate, the #1 defense used to keep from going crazy.

💠MAKE UP of the PigP
• Our version** of each major caretaker – anyone who was important to us, &/or that we spent a lot of time with
** Remember – we did NOT misunderstand, exaggerate or distort our perception of them.
Later on we sometimes get additional facts that form a deeper – but not necessarily better – opinion of them.  More often it validates our early experiences!
bad voiceThe PigP is :
• a specific parent with the most forceful, controlling &/or crazy personality, & now is our loudest voice
• parts of our psyche we disown – a pitiless ‘conscience’, an ‘alcoholic Higher Power’, distortions of positive life-rules…..
• the rules of our social & spiritual communities

At the same time:
• not all those who raised us / taught us – were evil, just very damaged – so we’ve also internalized some of their skills, hopes, dreams, talents, knowledge, goals… as much as were visible. BUT it’s a small part of the PP, compared to their sickness

💠WHY is it so IMPORTANT to identify the PigP?
Because we copy it! To the degree that we ‘honor & obey’ it – we feed our S-H, live in fear, sabotage ourselves, choose inappropriate people, can’t grow into our best self, hurt others & allow others to hurt us !

a. IF we were in pain as kids, and are in pain now, even if we don’t remember what happened, or don’t understand why – we can be sure that:
• we absorbed what others in the family were feeling – especially whatever they refused to acknowledge (their suffering was ‘in the air’)
• we felt our own daily emotional pain, without anyone to comfort us, to validate our feelings, to explain that it was NOT about us & so NOT our faultbroken heart

b. We may have a limited understanding of who everyone in our family was – what their motives were, what they went thru, what their ‘diagnosis’ may be – since even with our intuition we couldn’t possibly know all the facts of their lives – unless we’re told

BUT the one thing we can be sure was not a distortion : Our suffering NOW is all the proof we need of how bad it was. Not being able to remember is not an excuse to maintain denial. Emotions say it all.

NEXT: Negative Introject (Part 2)

Mind-Reading vs. INTUITION (Part 2a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,

intuition 1


I JUST KNOW IT –
but I don’t have any proof

PREVIOUS: MIND-READING – 1b

Review Mind-reading, 

1. MIND-READING

2. INTUITION
DEF: INTUITION =  It’s like overhearing a conversation in a language we’re not fluent in but can still get the gist of what’s said. It’s the ability to maneuver within our beliefs & knowledge, giving us a relative awareness of where we are on the map of life
PS: Inspiration is seeing the whole path we need to travel on the map

Intuition is complex – mostly it’s being tuned-in to the world around us – & beyond – picking up info without any obvious source
🔺For some it’s a gut feeling
🔺For others it’s the universe giving them a gentle nudge
🔺For still others it’s the answer to a prayer or a whisper from God

Intuition is an innate survival tool, a compass & a tether connecting us to our environment. It doesn’t have to be supernatural – it is most often a subliminal accumulation of what others are saying, feeling or doing (their T.E.As) & storing it for future reference (see pt. d)

SO – Intuition is in us & comes from us, but is about everything outside of us – the opposite of Mind Reading.
✶ When cultivated, it bypasses or counters certain of our ACoA damage!

a. In the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory (MBTI), the second of 4 levels is “Sensate vs Intuitive”, which has to do with one’s style of gathering information about the world.
From MBTI Posts :
🟢 S = ‘I need to work thru a problem to see a result’. Fun: This was great for the price. Communication: Specifics
• At one extreme are the Sensates (S) who need proof of everything, literal & practical. They prefer hands-on, here-&-now tangible experiences, only believing what they can see & touch. They are about 70% of the US population & are considered ‘hard-nosed’ by their opposites

🔴 iN = ‘I see results/solutions to problems at the beginning’. Fun: This just gave me a great new idea! Communication: Big picture
• At the other end are the Intuitives (iN) who ‘just know’. They look for meaning, possibilities & relationships among things (the gestalt). They like to put things in a theoretical framework, seeing things holistically. They comprise about 30% & are considered ‘flakes’ by the S. (See all 4 levels)

NOTE: Whichever side a person prefers is important because MBTI’s 3rd level : “Thinking vs Feeling” then bases decisions on it.

✶ Most people don’t live at the extreme ends of this level (S vs N). But when 2 people in any kind of relationship DO, it is one of the most difficult discrepancies of the 4 levels to overcome.
They never really ‘get’ each other.  This is often a problem between many men (Ss) & women (iNs). But it’s especially hard when an extreme S mother has a very iN child – she’ll likely negate the child’s way of understanding its environment, making the child doubt its perceptions, even its sanity –  especially if the mother is also a narcissist.

b. As Children
• From birth, kids have a capacity for seeing & sensing things that many adults are unaware of. This is an important instinct for them, since they’re so vulnerable & don’t yet have language.  Infants mirror what we present to them, especially our emotions.

EXP: When a mother takes a slow, deep breath each time she feels tension, either in herself or from the infant, it teaches the baby to do the same. She’s creating & reinforcing the state of anxiety – without ever saying a word!
• Equally so, children who comfortably spend time contemplating & exploring their thoughts & feelings without interference, will develop self-awareness & the intuitive abilities that come from this inner knowledge

•  The absorption capacity of intuition, so highly developed in kids, allows us to assimilate our parents’ inner feelings as much as their overt messages. The combination becomes the Introject – which is only negative if our parents were mentally &/or emotionally unhealthy

Exp:  A friend remembers one evening when she was 6 or 7, sitting with her dad in the living room while he was reading the paper. For no apparent reason she asked him who Lydia was.  He looked at her puzzled but didn’t answer. Many years later she found out that he was having an affair with a Lydia back then, but at that time no one in the family knew about it.  What had she been ‘picking up’ on? – A smell? his guilt? his residual pleasure?

NEXT: INTUITION – 2b

MIND READING vs. Intuition (Part 1a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

mind-readingIS IT REAL OR…..
am I just projecting?

PREVIOUS: Healthy RISK

POSTS: “Symbiosis & ACoAs”
• “How ACoAs Abandon Others”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

1. MIND-READING (M-R)
a. Meanings
This is one of the many Cognitive Distortions (CDs) that plague ACoA & alcoholic thinking :
♦︎Expect yourself to know what others are thinking, without them having to tell you, and
♦︎ Magically assume you know how someone’s feeling, or what they need or want – from you —> so you can provide it!
AND
♦︎ expect others to know what we need, feel & think, without having to tell them.

This CD is a form of symbiosis, (opposite of S & I), the WIC’s desperate desire to stay connected to others — the same way an infant needs the mother to KNOW what the baby needs & feels.
In a healthy family mindreadingthis is provided, which allows the child to form a safe internal base. Then they can outgrow the need to be intertwined & rely on themself.

ACoA impulse to Mind-Read is :
• knowing from experience that our parents did not love us unconditionally & so assume everyone else will feel the same way toward us
• being raised in an environment where the adults hardly ever talked to us, or evaded admitting what was happening, so we couldn’t know what others were thinking or feeling
AND
• growing up in a family where emotional & mental honesty was missing (lying, hypocrisy), so we had to guess at reality
• our fear of separateness – if we ‘know’ what someone is thinking then we’re permanently joined (intertwined), to stave off the bitter loneliness of the WIC
• needing to protect ourselves at all times from the ‘dangerous’ world by ‘figuring out’ what to expect – always
AND
• not taught how to gather info correctly, we make things up. We’re not allowed to ask AND assume we won’t get the truth anyway
• trying to figure out how to behave (if I “know” what you’re thinking I can adjust my actions accordingly)

🦠 Mind-reading is completely about us – not about the person or group we’re referring to. Because it’s not based in reality, it does the opposite of what it’s supposed to accomplish.
Instead of keeping us attached & safe, M-R insures staying at a distance in a fantasy fog, separating us from the rest of humanity, which reinforces our sense of alienation.  No wonder ACoAs feel like we ‘don’t belong anywhere’, even when in a room full of other ACoAs!

M-R also means WE :
♦︎ are sure someone is reacting badly to or thinking negatively about us, without any real evidence… often contrary to what the other person actually feels, says or does….
SO OUR:
✧ S-H becomes “Nobody likes me”
✧ FoA becomes “She would never spend time with me”
✧ paranoia becomes “I know they’re talking about me”
✧ fear of rejection becomes “She’ll be too busy to help me”
✧ perfectionism becomes “They all thought my _____ was awful”
✧ lack of boundaries becomes “The boss expects me to be just like her!”

angry guyMe, me, me!  M-R completely erases others, as if they didn’t have separate identities, minds of their own OR had other things to think about besides us!

EXP: Paul sits anxiously in a 12-step meeting, raising his hand but not getting called on.  He’s convinced the speaker is deliberately avoiding him – “she must not want to hear what I have to say… she doesn’t like me… she thinks she’s better than me…”, so Paul sits & fumes.

Reality: If Paul had asked the speaker about this, he would have been told: “I’m sorry, I saw your hand, but just didn’t get to you.  It’s so hard to pick – you want to include everyone, but there’s just not enough time.”

EXP: If your therapist yawns or seems distracted – you assume he / she is bored with you.
Or if you get invited to a dinner party, you’re sure they only invited you to make up the seating numbers.

Reality: You’re therapist was up all nite with a sick child or has a bad headache! AND, you were invited to dinner because the hostess likes you & knows you’ll be a great addition!

NEXT: MIND-READING vs Intuition – 1b

HEALTHY RISK

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

healthy risk
RISK IS NOT A DIRTY WORD!
as long as I’m realistic

PREVIOUS: Risk Addicted #2


COMMENTS
Risk of any kind usually entails some type of action (T.E.A). When average-functioning people are deciding what to do – ahead of time or if they only have a few seconds to consider – they use a reasonable thought process.
Thinking RISK thru :
• consider your aspirations – hopes, dreams AND level of wishing welldesire
• the short or long-term goal
• do you have the skill or knowledge to at least try
• know your expectations (to succeed or fail)
• weigh pros & cons of the situation
• consider possible consequences, both for yourself, & what’s socially acceptable
• “how important is it”! (whether to push or not)

😲 However, many ACoAs’ thinking about Risk – is either faulty or missing. Anxiety pushes some to act impulsively (R-addicted), & terror holds others back from even trying (R-averse).
❖ Which type you are now – & how you reacted to constant chaos & abuse as a kid – is based on your native personality

• ACoAs are trained to be perfectionist – only Actions counted in the family – but we could never be good enough, since nothing satisfied them.
EXP: Even raising my hand in class felt like too much of a risk. What if I don’t know the answer? What if I’m made fun of?

We’re bound tofall down fall down or become paralyzed from setting the bar for every accomplishment so high we can’t possible reach it (such as trying to make everyone like us!),
Sadly, to the outside world it can look like we don’t set the bar high enough, labeled lazy, stupid or crazy. We are NOT. It’s our terror (E) & CDs that stop us, or cause mistakes & procrastination.

SCIENCE: re. taking actions, we can generally be divided into
— ‘sitters’, who observe & then act, or
— ‘rovers’ – who act more randomly.
In our culture it’s “Just do it” (Action) vs. “Look before you leap” (Thinking).
We’re born more as one than the other, but when mixed with damage it gives us the -averse or -addict style. Each Personality Type has it’s advantages & disadvantages, & neither should look down their noses at the other!  (MORE… w/ examples)

HEALTHY RISK
Appropriate risk-taking, like all other aspects of mental health – is rooted in balance & goals. What are you specifically trying to achieve in each situation?
Finding a balance between —> considering all possible outcomes (T) vs. —-> just taking a leap of faith (A) requires knowing ourself well, & also how the real world works.planning
a. IT IS
• moving forward in any aspect of your life. Do something!
• NOT about perfectionism (a form of S-H)
• usually not something physically dangerous, AND not as emotionally dangerous as your WIC or PP think it’ll be
b. ARE
• evaluated for realistic advantages & disadvantages
• mostly small ones (sending a text, talking to a stranger at an ‘event’, asking for help)
• occasionally bigger ones (moving to a different state, changing careers, getting a divorce…)

c. EVALUATE
• which negative extreme is your False Self ‘norm‘? What would it be like to swing to the opposite unhealthy side, & what would be middle ground ?
• decide what changes you can handle & what’s currently too much – based on self-knowledge about your emotional capacity

get help• who can help you over a hump (of fear) : ask a safe friend to sit with you, go with you, let you be at their place… while you try a new, scary action
• think through the consequences (outcome) of your actions, not using self-hate, co-dependence or fear of abandonment (FoA) as a guide
• consider what the result might be of not taking any action – to you or others
• try out something small & see what happens. It may turn our OK or great. If it doesn’t, figure out what the problem is & try something else.

GROWTH : One of the benefits and joys of healthy risk-taking is finding out that positive outcomes are possible, when guided by our ‘UNIT‘ rather than by the WIC or PP.
Use Book-Ending with your Inner Child to find out what’s possible & what’s not.
MOST IMP: No matter the outcome – catch & stop any form of S-H.
ONLY : Acceptance, Acceptance, Acceptance

NEXT:  MIND-READING vs Intuition – #1