Author: dmtorbi

ACoAs – Dealing with Disputes (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-care ,

ARE THE DIFFERENCES
between us too great?

PREVIOUS: Disputes #1

SITE: Resolving Neighbor Disputes
• 10 Ways to Handle Disagreements Effectively

⬅”BAYOU HUNTERS” designed & created by DMT


2. UNHEALTHY (Part 1) : Our unhealed REACTIONS

3. HEALTHY Responding
✥ On the other hand if you & one other, or you & a group – who are in some specific disagreement – are willing to work things out, everyone must be able to communicate their side reasonably, using their Adult ego state. Strong emotions will always be part of those situations, especially from everyone’s WIC (most people have one), but must not be the driving force

Then there is usually a way to resolve the dispute without losing oneself or losing face. It includes the ability to identify the current issue causing the friction, for EACH side to admit if they were wrong (the 10th Step), to apologize for any ‘bad’ behavior & to explain what was really bothering them in the first place. Only then can you begin to rationally negotiate a limited compromise or figure out what’s beneficial to both sides.

Naturally, for this to happen, the individual or a group majority we’d be dealing with – would have to have enough mental health so they can participate in this type of solution. Naturally, one-sided efforts never work – where we’re the only one always trying to be respectful & logical, or just giving in. (MORE….)

AN ASIDE: We’re familiar with the people who absolutely refuse to bend even a little on any point in dispute – the “Right-ists“.
⁉ Confusing: When both parties do own their part in the dissension (a P-A put-down, angry comment, a snubs, gossip….), identify where they’re coming from & apologize, BUT then realize they really do not want to continue their association. Both can be satisfied they’ve cleaned up their side of the street, but the difficulty highlighted an incompatibility already present.

RECOVERY Awareness
For things to work out well – as much as possible, we need at least some awareness of each of the following 13 points:

1. What are normal human needs / rights?
Coming from abusive & neglecting families, most ACoAs concluded that we don’t have any rights, & that we wouldn’t deserve them is we could imagine any! However, these are characteristics (in all 4 PMES categories) common to all human & also apply to us, absolutely
CHART: “Choosing relationship priorities… ”

«
2. What is Mental Health vs. what are ACoA / narcissistic / dysfunctional patterns ? For the latter, we can review the posts: ACoA Laundry List  // Are you an ACoA , & for the former:  Character Traits & contrasts // Emotional Maturity…. as well as many books & websites.

3. What are my specific needs, wants, & BUTTONS?
This takes time & work – to identify needs, wants, dreams…. specific to us.
It includes doing  family & personal inventories, & getting thoroughly acquainted with both our healthy & wounded Inner Children.
EXP of buttons: 🚺 Being accused wrongly / having to wait – for anything / not being understood / stupidity & incompetence, lateness or cancellations ….

4. Is what’s bothering me – a recurring pattern of behavior?
a, With new or brief acquaintances: If we thoroughly understand some dysfunctional way of thinking &/or acting and we’ve learned to trust our observations & instinct, we can easily & quickly identify red flags in someone when we see them, even if we barely know them.
🔎 In case you doubt your ability to do this, CONSIDER: If you know a song very well, someone only needs to hum a few bars – for you to recognize it!

b.  With longer-term acquaintances: Being around someone for a some prolonged time allows us to observe their characteristic ways of thinking, gesturing, behaving, talking…..
The problem is not in our ability to ‘see’, but rather our childhood training to be in denial, & a current unwillingness to acknowledge anything we think is too painful to accept.
EXP: If they — often or always over-react, treat us unfairly, are verbally & emotionally disrespectful, always late, lie or deflect…..–  it’s important to:
✘ see these behaviors as the damage & abuse it is, and
✘ do not ignore what we see & feel, by pretending it’s not happening

NEXT: Dispute #3

ACoAs – Dealing with Disputes (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self growth


THERE ARE SOLUTIONS
to many disagreements 

PREVIOUS: Being Right #5b

 

REVIEW
When there is a difference in taste, opinions, needs, goals…. between you & another person (or group) – it doesn’t automatically mean either you or they are wrong. Each one feels their version of events is correct, & for each person it may be. YOU do not have to give up yours – just to keep the peace.

But ACoAs tend to hang out at the extremes – of everything – including disputes:
↘️ either thinking others are always right & we never are, discounting our own point of view altogether (co-dependence), OR
↗️ that our way of thinking & feeling is the only right one, discounting everyone else’s altogether (narcissism)

In the previous set of posts we’re reminded to acknowledge & accept that everyone has their own angle on life & it’s never exactly like ours. So at the very least – we should consider what others have to say, seeing if they have a point – with can include something good we’ve never thought of! Then evaluate it in light of our experiences & personal preferences, & maybe agree with it – or not.

But, when you do express who you genuinely are & what you need or want —
— AND a someone important to you gives you a hard time, strongly objects, attacks OR tries to change you, tries to prevent you from pursuing or reaching a goal….
— you’re  likely to feel appropriate anger. But deeper than that will be sadness, frustration & loneliness.

UNHEALTHY
However, unless we’ve done a lot of our own FoO work to develop our True identity, then when we have an intense disagreement with someone where they’re angry at us (we’re hurt & angry too) – as ACoAs we will buy whatever they’re selling – outright – especially if they’re using narcissistic ‘logic’ to prove their point,

♻️ We’re left with the painful obsession about what just happened, which can go on for hours or days. We’re torn between outrage, fear & S-H. Was I right? or were they right? Should I apologize? What if it’s my fault? I can’t stand having someone angry at me…..

This kind of mental self-torture comes from not being clear about who we are (True Self) & fear of separation (abandonment), but most of all not knowing that we’re being abused & that we didn’t cause any of it !
If we stick around such people, without a strong UNIT  (adult & good parent), our WIC is intimated & continually re-traumatized. If we engage, we’ll alternate between dragged-out verbal fights & folding in childish helplessness. (Excellent Article : “Gaslighting & Spite“).

Dealing with unhealed people is always very frustrating & painful. Even more so if you do have a modicum of mental health:
🔸If you have the courage to object TO:
— any form of emotional abuse, lying about where they were
— something not done that should have been, because of  P=A
— insult her appearance, forgot to buy an essential staple – again,
— didn’t pick up the kids,  didn’t ____as promised)…..
🔹……AND the problem-person refuses to admit any responsibility or even a valid explanation for their behavior, but always makes it your problem, putting all the blame on you…… (See post: “P-A comments“)
🔶 you’ll be very angry, but mostly aware of being powerless to get your needs met from such a person —>EVER!

OUR unhealed REACTIONS – WE:
• hold in hurt & frustration, letting it pile up, then explode. ACoAs are afraid of conflict, but blowing up makes us feel worse than if we dealt with an issue while it’s still relatively small

• blow up a small hurt or slight way out of proportion, then react to that. Many times “Message received was not Message sent”. ACoAs hear some things thru the lens of early family insults or school bullying, so a casual remark now can feel like a major attack

• are defensive (over-explaining, denying, lying….), instead of considering the possible validity of the other person’s objection or point of view about us. ACoAs hate being caught in an imperfection, error or mess-up

• refuse to even discuss a dispute, even if it’s presented in a reasonable way. Negative reason: feeling shame, guilt or arrogance (“not me!”)
Positive: knowing that no matter what you say, you’re not going to be heard, they’re going to get nasty, or you’ll always be made wrong.

NEXT: Dealing with disputes #2

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 5d)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery


PREVIOUS: Being Right #5c

7 POSTS : Multiple Intelligences  (learn the ways others are different from you)

4 POSTS : ANXIETY & T.E.A  (thoughts come before emotions)

2 POSTS : USE “THINK” instead of ‘feel’
(use ‘feel’ correctly to prevent confusion)


IDEAS for changing the aBR pattern (cont.)
🛠 Identify what you DO want
Start by noticing what you’re thinking – usually about what you don’t like – & then state the reverse. You may think:
• “If they really cared about me they wouldn’t act that way!” So what you do want is acceptance, belonging, consideration, respect
• “I hate when people lie to me!” So what you do want is being told the truth & reliability, so you can depend on others (feel safe)   ….etc….

🚀 Take Actions
Focus on specific things you can do or say each day that will create more of what you want. It will help if you improve what you say to yourself & how you behave. BUT mainly –
💛 If you want caring, fun, intellectual stimulation, reliability, ‘sanity’, sobriety, spirituality, trustworthiness…… look for people who already have those qualities & want to share them with you – without you having to rescue or fix them! (modified from ‘Focused Attention’_)

💋 💋 💋

❗️People in good relationships (but always imperfect) don’t worry about Being Right . Our scientifically-oriented society values BR over almost everything else. But then if one person feels they’ve ‘won’, the other will feel like a loser

😱 Ironically, when we correctly focus on our own happiness via self-care (not narcissistically), some needy people will accuse us of being spoiled or selfish, which tells us where they’re at.
However, if we co-dependently give in or always say “Yes dear”, we’ll feel unhappy & progressively become dis-empowered.

‼️ A recent Australian experiment in couple’s counseling asked a husband to agree with everything his wife said to avoid arguments – for 2 weeks. The effort was a disaster & quickly called off because the man began to feel terrible about himself, & ironically the wife became hostile, because she knew he wasn’t always being honest.

They found that agreeing –  just to agree – doesn’t work. There are many variables to consider if both partners are to feel good about themselves & each other.
MAIN requirement: Believe in what you’re agreeing with!

In GOOD relationships – partners have the ability:
• to see the “bigger picture” when making decisions, by deciding what’s truly important, what’s less so & what not at all
• to share in their partner’s joy over something, without envy
• to make their partner’s needs & feelings as important as their own (but not more so – except in dire circumstances, like a severe illness, death of family, loss of job….., but only temporarily!).  Then you, as the support person, needs to take your stress to Al-Anon, therapy, church, Massage, good friends…..

• Even for couples actively working on making things work, joint decisions about marital or family issues can be difficult – so it takes willingness to sometimes make mistakes, then admit, apologize & trying again
✳ Keeping the focus on yourself (your hidden agenda, real motivation, emotions, needs….) instead of pointing fingers – is the only way to keep things on an even keel

The next time an argument begins to heat up, ask yourself:
* Am I just wanting / demanding to be right in this situation?
* Can I let go of wanting to fight-to-be-right?
* Can I be OK with disagreement – even if I’m legitimately in the right?
* Can I simply admit an error, & then ask for what I need?
* Can I choose to be happy instead of “dead-right?”

The goal in any discussion & plan is for both people (or members of a group) to be respected & heard. ALSO – Kindness helps! Successful interactions add to feeling loved & valued, creating even more happiness. (More…)

NEXT: Dealing with disputes, #1

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 5c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

I’M COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF
whether I’m right or wrong!

PREVIOUS: Being Right #5b

SITE: “Why always having to be right can poison your relationships”

 

IDEAS for changing the aBR pattern (cont)
• When you feel the urge to force your way on a person or situation, decide not to – just this once (each time). Go with the flow & see what happens
• Notice whenever something is actually out of your control. If YES, then accept that.
How does it feel in your body – to not react? What can you learn about yourself? How can you make it an advantage?? HINT: You can relax more often!
• Accept that there’s no such thing as control over PPT, only yourself.
(Modified from ‘Simple Life Strategies‘)

🙀 Every so often admit WHEN you’re actually wrong about something – but not if you’re not! If someone insists you’re wrong about something, & you’re sure how you feel about that specific issue, you can say so clearly with our anger OR just smile.
If that’s too scary to contemplate right now, then —
• you don’t have to say you’re wrong out loud, but consider admitting it to yourself later – when you feel psychologically/emotionally stronger / safer, OR
• maybe try admitting an error when it’s not about something important to your sense of identity, & only to someone you know won’t judge you – ever
AND:
• notice how often you get upset when someone doesn’t agree with you by implying you’re stupid or wrong). Take a breath, understand it’s either your WIC or PP reacting, & know that insisting on being validated is ‘off’
• if by any remote possibility you conclude you’re truly wrong about something, OR you reacted to a trigger by not being acknowledged, just sit with it for a little while
• do NOT judge yourself & get angry if you’re reactive L.et it be an opportunity to learn more about your Wounded Child, the False Self you’re working on outgrowing.

You can say things like:
“I think I was mistaken about that // Yes, you were right about this // I got that wrong, my bad”….. it may come as a shock to you, & to others 😟. It can take courage & integrity, & is a character-building experience

• Letting go of the aBR compulsion is about having the serenity that comes from knowing what you are absolutely sure about & what you actually have control over , as well as accepting that other adults are responsible for what they think & do.
• Remind yourself they have the right to believe what they want, because they have their own point of view & experience.
• Work on being OK with the fact that not everyone will admit you know more than they, or that you’re right  about something – when you are. Maybe they feel threatened or jealous, really don’t understand your point, or are just being contrary.

IMP: Allowing others the right to be whoever they are doesn’t mean going along with anything they say or do. IF their way of being is unsafe or simply incompatible with you – you don’t have to make them wrong – just keep your boundaries & maybe even keep your distance!

Emotions are your Guidance System. When you’re uncomfortable, or anxious or angry – it could be that:
• something in the present is pushing your old buttons, so your wounded child (WIC) is being reminded of past abuses & abandonments, OR
• they are a warning signal that someone is mistreating you – no matter how subtle or indirect, OR
• something’s missing from the situation or relationship – something  deeply important to you that you need . HINT :  it leaves you bored, sad, annoyed, frustrated, lonely….)

NEXT: Being RIGHT, #5d

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 5b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self growth


I GET SO MUCH MORE
from careful listening

PREVIOUS: ‘Right’ #5a

SITEs: “You don’t always have to be right” (hypnosis) = Purchase downloads

⬅ “The RIGHT WAY” by DMT


Being Right the RIGHT WAY (BRR)
*️⃣ the Opposite of being self-righteous (addicted to = aBR)
Being Right / honest ‘correctly’ is NOT —
• assuming we don’t know anything, or should just shut up
• berating oneself for all the years of unhealthy superiority
• having to always know exactly what’s true or accurate
• saying we’re always wrong /stupid /a f–up
• throwing out all the information we have in our mental data bank

🚧 🚦 NEITHER is it co-dependent people-pleasing, where we deny or ignore our own opinions, needs, emotions or desires! The only people who want us to do that are the PPs, P-As, active alcoholics & other narcissists.

The RIGHT WAY IS: 
• being open to the uniqueness of any given situation, & drawing conclusions from other perspectives (but not from angry, unhealed people!)
• keeping an open mind & heart, curious, willing to learn something new
• looking at the big picture rather than the immediate issue or situation
• seeing what’s in other viewpoints that might have a degree of validity
• staying ‘present’, being conscious & available for what the world has to offer us, which help to recognize where our next opportunity may come from
• willing to listen to what healthy & knowledgeable people have to say

☆ We may still end up sticking to our Truth – the best part of our core knowledge (“I know what I know”) – as well as revising damaged beliefs (CDs), thus finding saner ways to think about ourself & the world

• Daily practicing open-mindedness, paying attention & humility (NOT humiliation) make all our relationships work better.
But this can really be hard for those of us deeply attached to always having to be right (aBR). For ACoAs, being caught in a mistake, an oversight or a lack of info can bring up shame & perfectionism – a form of S-H 

✳ Letting go of this compulsion requires legitimate validation of our painful experiences so we don’t always have to prove something. It also includes having permission to be seen for who we are – the True Self. Most of us never had the right to disagree with our parents’ perspectives & beliefs, much less being allowed to have good things of our own.

😮 While ACoAs who are afraid of saying the wrong thing need to speak up more (it’s OK to not know something or even be wrong sometimes!) —
🤔 — those of us who always have something to say (whether useful – or not), can benefit from being still & truly listening

In either case, no matter how genuinely smart we are, if we ASK for info (“What did you mean when you said —?”….), we may be surprised by what’s going on in someone else’s head. Usually something we couldn’t have guessed!

NOTE: Our addiction to BR is another form of being controlling – rather than being in charge of ourself. Healthy control requires knowing that there are options – to almost everything.
But with aBR – there are no option, no choices, no variations. It really is about not having ‘the right’ to think & feel – our own way – fueling the need for constant validation – from everyone else!

IDEAS for changing the aBR pattern
• Identify your aBR control beliefs (Use CD posts )
• Ask : “What do I gain from trying to control everything?”
• Why are they so important to you?
• Where do they come from?”
• With those answers, keep checking to see if you really do get what you assumed you would – by sticking to aBR (usually not!)
• Write down your ‘control rules’ (my way or the highway) & the correction for each

NEXT: Being Right #5c

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 5a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self growth

KNOWING MY RIGHTS
makes it OK to not always be right!

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#5a)

SITE:  “Being right without being rude”

QUOTE: ”The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. ~ Proverbs 12:15

 

Being Right the RIGHT WAY (BRR)
Each of us have a unique DNA, so our brains are wired differently. Along with the differences in our family & social background, how each of us thinks & feels is not like anyone else. Some of us may have similarities, but ultimately we can’t be in anyone else’s skin, nor they ours.
So, healthy BRR is about :
• ownership of knowledge & wisdom, for the benefit of ourself & others
• a responsibility to find our True Self, learn about dysfunction & how the real world works
• standing on our personal wisdom, & defend all our rights, especially in any unhealthy environment.

We can verify “I know what I know – but I can’t know everything!” by using supporting evidence, usually based on positive experiences & education. But sometimes ‘existing knowledge’ can hinder us from opening our mind to possible alternatives & solutions, thus curbing the creative process. So having to be right – all the time – is overrated.

NOTE : We know that brain chemicals are triggered when reacting angrily to strong upsets (scroll to ‘special case’), which make us feel better – temporarily.  If ‘have a fight – feel better’ (aBR) is constantly repeated, it will set up an addictive cycle without dealing with the underlying problems.  CHART

• Instead of aBR – There’s another hormone that allows us to feel just as good as adrenaline, which is oxytocin*.  It’s activated by positive human connection, opening up networks in the executive brain (prefrontal cortex), increasing our ability to think clearly so we can feel safe & be available for positive interactions.
* Studies now show that oxytocin (the ‘love hormone’) interferes with the release of cortisol, a hormones responsible for stress, so it reduces anxiety-raised blood pressure. It makes one feel affectionate, calm, generous, relaxed & trusting. This improves sociability, reducing the feeling of isolation.

HUGS release oxytocin 😍, the chemical that plays a big role in promoting & building lasting relationships, strengthening marriages & reducing conflicts, even respect & connection between strangers. (More…)

• Instead of aBR – gaining Mental Health includes gently detaching from our compulsive need for ‘Right-ness’. This will come from having our many painful experiences validated, knowing our true rights, & learning to identify harmful behavior in others – so we don’t keep trying to convince the unconvinceable.

We don’t always have to push our own agenda or always get our way. Al-Anon asks: ”How important is it?” – in the big scheme of things. Will we remember this incident 10 years from now? Some things are simply not worth the effort – such as being right all the time.
And some people will never agree with us anyway, or even understand our point of view.

Review EXP: Sarah is on a blind lunch-date in a fancy East-side restaurant, where the tables are 2′ apart in a small space. When the man tells her he’s an engineer, she suspects the meet isn’t going to be successful. (She intuits he’s an ST & she’s an NF = MBTI oil & water). Sure enough when she tells him she’s an astrologer – he begins to berate & belittle the profession.

Sarah is hurt & angry – her work has helped herself & many others. She wants to lash out & set him straight, but remembers the Al-Anon Q. So to not embarrass herself & not waste time justifying, she quickly asks him to say more about his profession – & then stops listening.
Instead of mouthing off to set him straight & embarrassing herself, she comforts her WIC, explaining why saying anything is useless.  It’s the best self-care, & a win for her self-esteem!

NEXT: “Right” – #5b

ACoAs being “RIGHT”- Opposite (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self growth

IT’S ABSOLUTELY NORMAL
to get things wrong sometimes

PREVIOUS: Being Right (Part 1)

SITE: The Joy of Being Wrong

QUOTE: “….people find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.” Harry Potter in the Half-Blood Prince


A LOOK AT THE OTHER SIDE
Reality – In ‘Being Wrong’, author Kathryn Schulz argues that it’s time to embrace our errors. After all, making mistakes is inevitable, so we need to stop pretending we can imagine it out of existence.

Being Wrong (BW) is uncomfortable
The process of learning something (so that we’re skilled, correct, knowledgeable) takes time, determination & effort. And it includes getting things wrong from time to time. This is normal, & applies to everyone, but most ACoAs hate process, because it means something different than it does to less damaged people. We’d rather assume that what we already believe is the final word (so we never have to be wrong), & expect others to go along with it. This is understandable for ACoAs, since BW makes us feel out of control.  Review “CDs & the Brain”

Normal LEARNING Process
Stage 1: we are wrong but don’t know it. Feels fine
Stage 2: we realize we are wrong. Feels horrible
Stage 3: we are right. Feels fine again (More…)

SUGGESTION: If you’re at stage 2, don’t resist – take comfort. It means you’re on the way to being right – if you don’t give up.

✔︎ Resistance to BW is why most of us are so poor at following our own advice – we’re much better at diagnosing & solving other people’s problems. Even tho’ we may quite accurately evaluate issues for them, we rarely use this skill for ourself, as it’s much harder to own our limitations & flaw, or make necessary changes.

✔︎ Resistance to BW explains why some of us have trouble getting started – trouble taking positive actions – even when it’s a ‘project’ we want to do, is worth doing & is actually possible. But since we can never do it perfectly, we put it off – either by endlessly fantasizing/talking about it, doing ‘research’ for months or years, or just avoiding it all together.

✔︎ Resistance to BW also suggests why it is so hard to let go of something that’s not turning out well (a bad relationship, the wrong job or investment, trying to do something we’re not equipped for….).
It’s often painfully obvious – to everyone else – when something isn’t working any more, or has never worked for us. We should cut our losses, but that would mean accepting that we’ve been wrong – which can feel too humiliating – especially for ACoAs.  So we plow on, whatever the personal or financial cost.

Being Wrong (BW) is OK!
What we think is absolutely right in most cases is only our opinion, & may or may not be correct nor apply to anyone else. And – knowing ‘everything’ is not always a plus, depending on what’s motivating us (Unhealthy EnneaType 5s). A great deal of knowledge is useful only if it’s the right kind & put to good use, otherwise it makes us narrow-minded, even stubborn – harming us & others.

BW (mistakes, ignorance, foolishness, limitations….) has its advantages. Allowing ourself to be imperfect (human) frees us :
🍃 to be open to infinite possibilities & to focus on solutions
🍃 to find our own timing & style, so we can free up our true inner genius
🍃from a great weight of oppressive & unrealistic ‘responsibility’
🍃 from wasting time trying to be & do what’s truly impossible

The sky’s the limit. CONSIDER:
● Allowing ourself to BW means opening our mind & heart to receiving other people’s knowledge & help, making creativity & options available

● While past experiences can be helpful, it’s important to not rely on them exclusively – especially if they represent expressions of our damage

● BW eliminates perfectionism (fear of failing), which is stifling. When we’re OK with BW, we’re not afraid to try new things, making life much more interesting & productive

● We gain more respect from others by admitting when we’re in the wrong or unsure. No one likes a know-it-all, who is too arrogant to take legitimate risks or unwilling to see other people’s point of view (See “Humility” )

●  When our opinion or facts are wrong, or we just have a poor attitude in dealing with others – admitting the truth to someone we’ve hurt (as in Step 5) will preserve their dignity. Forcibly slanting a behavior or argument in our favor (aBD) or showing off at someone’s expense – diminishes them.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 4)

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 3b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

WHY DOESN’T EVERYONE
see my point of view!??

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#3a)

SITEs :’The Need To Be Right‘
“Addicted to being right“

⬅ “OFFICE SELFIE” by DMT


REMINDER: BR comes in various degrees of intensity. You may have a touch of it, or it may run your whole way of interacting with others.

ACoA ADDICTED to Being Right – aBR (cont.)
It fits the characteristics of an alcoholic or otherwise narcissistic family – as perfectionism & grandiosity. So, no matter how helpful to others our info or how valid our beliefs are, the way we know we’re in the grip of aBR (a character defect) is that it doesn’t allow for anyone else to also be right – for themself.

▲Knowledgeable people who are reasonably healthy will share their expertise with anyone seeking it, but never press other to listen or to agree. They know everyone has the human right to their own info & choices.

But being aBR can be the cause for attacking anyone who challenges our world view. Others may have good ideas, their own process, a different way of working toward a goal OR they may be deep in denial & acting out their damage.
Regardless, if what or who they are doesn’t agree with our ‘truth’, we will badger or cold-shoulder them.

We function from the unspoken thought:
“I can’t bear it when someone contradicts or ignores me. So I wait. I watch. I react. I pounce – ready to belittle, correct, insult, make fun of, negate…..”
And if someone stands up for their opinions or style – or is just silent, we get very upset, get pushier, possibly even meaner. We won’t feel OK until & unless the other person capitulates.

EXP: When ranting about anything she thinks is wrong – with a person or in the world – one woman heads off any logic, comment or disagreement from her long-suffering husband with the command: “Just say YES!

RESULTS
While we who are Right-ists can easily find insecure wounded souls who will let themself be bullied, none of our tactics work with severe narcissists. And as for long-term active addicts, if they want to keep ‘using’, nothing we do will stop them!

Being convinced there’s a certain way everyone should think or act (unhealthy Ennea-type #1) will ultimately lead to personal frustration, annoyance & disappointment when others don’t follow our rules or opinions. This increases our underlying fear & rigidity. We feel betrayed, assuming someone we’ve tried to convince has automatically agreed to follow our lead, but then reneged on the implied compliance.

This is a thoroughly mistaken assumption, since most people do not automatically fall in behind the Right-ist, & their silence does not mean agreement. And whenever there is even a crack in our illusion, as Right-ists we don’t see our narcissism, but prefer to attack & accuse others.

Giving everyone the message they are or should be exactly like us obviously stiffles their ability or willingness to be cooperative & stay connected. If they don’t leave altogether, they pull away from us – the supposed ‘righteous’ one – reinforcing the feeling of abandonment on both sides.

aBR prevents us from experiencing the understanding & intimacy we say we desire. We can’t understand why our partner/ boss/ child….. is so angry with us. We’re convinced they should be making changes – then we’d get along just fine! After all, we don’t want to confused ourself with reality – like that others have the right to their own way of thinking & doing things – when we’ve already made up their mind for them!

Spiritual Narcissism –  Right-its can easily be dogma-zealots about anything we’re fired up about, trying to convince/convert the ‘ignorant’. We may sincerely believe we’re justified & being helpful, that having found the one & only ‘right way’ now we can set others straight & solve all their problems. But it’s up to the other person whether or not they’re interested in our position, and what works for one person, family or group is not always right for another.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 4)

ACoAs being “RIGHT” (Part 3a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth , , , , , ,

IF I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO’S RIGHT
everyone else is useless!

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#2)

SITEs: 38 (unhealthy) Ways to Win an Argument w/chart


DEFs:
▶︎ Rightness = A belief or action conforming to facts or truth. What is most favorable or desired
❖ Self-righteous = Convinced of one’s own virtue ((being perfect & therefore superior, even when well-hidden from most others) which is in stark contrast to the actions & beliefs of society. Being narrow-mindedly, moralistic. ~ Webster’s dictionary

REMINDER: BR comes in various degrees of intensity. You may have a touch of it, or it may run your whole way of interacting with others.

ACoA ADDICTED to Being Right (aBR) (cont. from Part 2)
PAST: We suffered thru an abusive, controlling & neglected upbringing, Constantly forced to give up our way of thinking, doing or feeling around a Right-ist – we gradually became less able to express ourself, seemingly less competent & articulate (brain-freeze).

We may have seemed stupid, making the bullying Right-ist even more convinced of their superiority. Flooded with fear & anger temporarily diminishes the capacity to use the frontal cortex, which is needed for thinking, decision-making & self-control.

• With some oppressive authority figures, BR was dangerous because it showed them up & was considered ‘arrogant’, slowly forming our belief that we don’t know anything

• With others, a way to survive & avoid punishment was to always get it right, prove it without mistakes & justify ourself – forming the assumption that we must know everything.

🚦Double bind: Many of us were constantly told we were ignorant / stupid / unteachable – while at the same time expected to take care of them as if we were adults trained in several professions!

NOW: Always having to be right can be used as a protective cover, giving us a false sense of stability & control. Projecting our scary childhood onto the whole world, we assume everything is still & forever unsafe, assuming we need to be perfect – to prevent further danger.
Still desperate to please so we won’t keep getting abandoned, we wobble on the fence between these 2 false beliefs (know everything, know nothing), inevitably falling off, inevitably feeling miserable. This original dilemma has left us with rage & S-H, alternating between rebellion & paralysis.

• Many grew up with one or more severe narcissist – who always had to have their way. Then some of us took up the Right-ist mantle & carry it forward, tromping on others as we were tromped on. (See Right-ist characteristics – Part 2)

— SUBTLE but pervasive – perfectionism is aBR in disguise. We can keep this obsession better hidden, but the obvious result is decades of procrastination. 

— BLATANT: Wanting & insisting on getting our own way most or all of the time – is the narcissism of the False Self, a common character flaw of wounded people (the majority!). We will push & push to get others to see that our way is the not only correct – but the only possibility.

• Feeling superior (aBR), we may not even realize our anxiety is temporarily relieved when we get our way: “I knew I was right! Now that you’ve got that straight, we can go on.” It calms us – our security blanket in an unsafe world. But it’s a false solution because our damage is still lurking in the background, waiting for someone or something to set it off. Unhealed, we’re driven by old, deep terror.

• But like any addiction, having to BR is very stressful – always vigilant, afraid to make a mistake, never truly safe, never comfortable.
While outside it shows up as false pride – the need to feel important or better than everyone else – inside it’s driven by inadequacy & shame, which we may not even be aware of! Especially if we need to be seen as innocent, good & all-knowing.

We’ll use charm & manipulation alternating with anger & intimidation, to force our agenda on whoever we deal with . However, all we end up doing is alienating others by being high maintenance, or taking psychological prisoners of the insecure. In the process we sacrifice our own well-being.

NEXT : BR, #3b.

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, recovery , , , ,

IF I’M NOT RIGHT,
then who am I?

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#1)

⬅ “ARROGANT BOSS” by DMT

 

🟧 WHAT’S WRONG With Being ‘Right’?
Unhealthy (mild): The narcissist in us (& every ACoA has one) will think or say “If I can see this so clearly, why in the world can’t you? // If I can do that task, what’s your problem? // If I love that, I assume you will too. If not, why not?!”
This attitude makes no sense at all. Even identical twins are different in some fundamental ways. One person is not automatically better or more correct than another – just different. (See “Symbiosis & ACoAs #3“)

UNHEALTHY (severe) Addicted to being right (aBR)
🖤 This character defect (a cognitive distortion) applies TO :
— some adults we grew up with, AND
— those of us who have copied them , &
— anyone we’re ‘stuck to’ as adults who is like that

A Closed System – The state of a person or thing being isolated from its surrounding environment.
a : Any one person so rigid in their opinions that they can’t let in anything which differs from their own determined ‘correctness’

b :  2 people, a Dominant (D) & a Submissive (S) personality, who interact in an ongoing feedback loop, constantly exchanging limited, often distorted, info – characterized by coercion/compliance, co-dependence, sameness & symbiosis (like Mrs Bucket & husband)

For the D – there is no concern & equality for others, or desire to change, and –
For the S – there is no autonomy, questioning, rocking the boat, separateness, speaking up or taking a stand . (More….)

● GROUPS: (family, academia, church… )
Groups who assert they have the only right answer – discourage change, differences, disrupting the status quo, equality, independence, objecting, questioning, or taking a stand.
They tend to promote factions, gossip, immaturity, repression, secrets & triangulation. It makes members reactive & anxious, even if this is hidden from each other. They don’t feel safe to question or disagree leadership or the official rules, feafulr of disapproval, punishment or rejection. (MORE…)

🔒 At the extreme ‘right’ we find the ‘Right-ists’.

● RIGHT-ists are in a world of their own, extremely self-absorbed & arrogant – The accuracy or importance of whatever point they’re pushing is not as relevant as their need to be agreed with.
Their rigid thinking is used in a power struggle to bring everyone else to their knees – psychologically, mentally & emotionally. They want to capture other people’s thoughts – even in situations truly & totally beyond their control, such as with the active addicts .(Serenity Prayer backwards“).
Ingrained Right-ists truly feel justified in their position, rarely if ever seeing the arrogance & selfishness of their attitude. Sure of themself & comfortable in their superiority – so there’s no internal cognitive dissonance.

NOTE: Some right-ists camouflage their compulsion by seeming concerned for others’ welfare, sounding reasonable or just giving ‘helpful’ suggestions. But all the while they’re trying to control their environment – to make it conform to their world-view.
One hint: they consistently make unsolicited & often unwanted suggestions, give advice & offer help – there version.
DO NOT be taken in by the presentation. If your own opinions & needs are often or always ignored or over-ruled – you’re dealing with a sneak-narcissist.

Re. SELF,  RIGHT-ists:
• are rigid & controlling, so they don’t work well with others
• can become quite aggressive in order to eliminate the threat to their (secret or unconscious) weak self-image
• experience anyone who opposes or simply has differing opinions – as a direct threat to their sense of well-being
• lack empathy, have no patience with others & are often snide
• need the world to revolve around them

Re. OTHERS., RIGHT-ists :
• alienate others without realizing it, OR of they do, they wonder why, then assume it’s the other person’s fault
• can end up isolated & deprived of companionship, love, affection, …. unless they find a passive person who uses the ‘Right-ist’ to think for them!
• can’t imagine that other people actually have different needs & opinions from their own (NPD mother = “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”)
• may push good info from ‘good intentions’, without considering that they’re discrediting another’s process, boundary invading, & being arrogant (“others NEED me”)
• regard others’ ideas or viewpoints as inferior or worthless, often losing out on new info, & wonderful opportunities or relationships.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 3a)