Year: 2015

4 PARENTING Styles & Results (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,


 


I WISH THEY HAD BEEN more helpful & supportive!

PREVIOUS: Parent styles, #2

BOOK: “Parenting with Love & Logic” includes Drill Sergeant, Helicopter, Counselor/Consultant – Forster Cline, M.D. & Jin Fay


PERSONAL WISDOM
Obviously, different parental styles contribute to how each child turns out – that is – their adapted personality, most often forming the False Persona in wounded people. It’s a major factor in how well a child will succeed in life – whether they manage, achieve, meet & overcome challenges OR flounder, run from stress, fail to cope or give up.

A 1994 study found that “good adjustment” in adolescence was overwhelmingly associated with parenting style. (‘Child Development’ ~ Steinberg, Samborn, Darling, Mounts & Dornbusch).
Of interest is what helps or hinders the development of wisdom, which involves being flexible – the ability to use different kinds of behavior when circumstances demand a change in response.

Whatever the reason or circumstance, when parents stick to only one style, a child will only learn that way of dealing with conflict & uncertainty. When parents are unable or unwilling to vary interacting, they stifle the flexibility needed to develop wisdom in later life.

RESULTS of Parent Styles (short form)
Autocratic (authoritarian) parents tend to produce children who are “dismissive”. Other people have no intrinsic value but must prove themselves worthy of respect & attention, just as the child had to do with his/her parents.
This is commonly referred to as “conditional regard.” You’re only worth what you’ve earned

Indulgent parents who give their children free rein, tend to create adults with a “preoccupied” relationship with others. As adults they’ll try to find the same indulgent, ‘unconditional regard’ from others they got from their parents, forever chasing a lost childhood

Indifferent parents who are cold & fitfully controlling, create an atmosphere of uncertainty & mistrust. An absence of affection, rules or emotional support sets a child adrift in a chaotic social environment without a built-in compass. This creates ‘fearful’ adults who usually find the world of people extremely difficult & so try to limit or avoid relationships

Democratic parents produce a more ‘secure’ adult, having received warmth & affection, but within a set of rules for appropriate behavior.
However, if these parents are too supportive without teaching the child when something is ‘off’ in their thinking or behavior, they may grow up to be –> overconfident about their ability to engage with & persuade others, the same way they were able to do with their parents.
Without any sense of realistic uncertainty / insecurity, these adults may form delusions of grandeur, believing they’re capable of greatness without the actual ability.

LONG FORM – composite MY child -1

NEXT :  4 Style’s, #4

 

4 PARENTING Styles & RESULTS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

2 bad momsYEAH – I HAD ONE OF EACH – no wonder I’m confused!

PREVIOUS: Parenting styles (#1)

 

TWO-WAY process
Most parents’ psychological patterns are ‘fully set’ by the time their children are born, no matter how young or dysfunctional they may be to start with. While some actually grow & improve over the years, which will benefit everyone, most parents don’t make significant changes in the way they think, feel & react – based on their own upbringing & personal characteristics

This is why all children have to adapt to their environment – which they do as much as they can, using their personal innate qualities. However, since each child brings an undeveloped personality-potential with them at birth, they also influence how parents treat them – related to gender, birth order, personality, physical reciprocal parentcharacteristics, disabilities or limitations, similarity to the parent’s original family members….
SO – they’re treated well if parents are healthy, & very badly if not.

While the literature often concentrates on the effects of parents’ traits on child outcomes, the reverse is also being considered.
A study from the U of Pittsburg PA says that Authoritative parenting (best style) creates the greatest social competency & self-reliance in children.
However, it can’t determine whether their personalities cause parents to use a particular style, or if this set of parental responses creates the child’s wellbeing. In any case, this style preserves self-esteem, which encourages socially competent behavior in children. (CHART – scroll way down)

Other research suggests that parents can promote or discourage the development of inhibited behavior (shy, reluctant, withdrawn…). A combined East-West study used 125 US & 100 Korean 3-year-olds, evaluated for this behavior.
Video of the 50% most inhibited children in each group were rated in terms of their parents’ responses which:
1. encouraged the child to approach the stimuli in question (toys, dolls….)
2. accepted and/or encouraged the child’s withdrawal
3. discouraged the child’s withdrawn behavior.

ANALYSIS
• the child’s effects on parenting were more pronounced than the reverse
• mothers were more affected by child inhibition than fathers
• surprisingly, parents who accepted/encouraged child-withdrawal ALSO encouraged approach, thus discouraging child shyness
• the greater the child’s inhibition, the more parents encouraged approach behavior which encouraged/accepted withdrawal & discouraged withdrawal (MORE)

Naturally, the negative is also of interest
Since child behaviors influence parenting responses, then unpleasant / difficult ones wear parents down, who may eventually give up providing appropriate empathy, guidance & discipline

One study examined reciprocal relationships between ODD chartparenting functions – supervision, communication, involvement, timid discipline or harsh punishment – and child disruptive disorder symptoms (ADHD, OCD, ODD
The results support the idea that child behaviors do have a greater influence on parenting action & reactions than the reverse, creating a coercive process (parent using threat &/or force).

• Another question is whether parents’ physical discipline leads children to become more aggressive, or aggressive children elicit more physical discipline from their parents. Reports were gathered from both parents & teachers. Environment + genetic factors played a role in complex outcomes, but not gender or ethnic factors.

Generally, in the sample of boys and girls aged 6–9:
√ higher levels of child visible ‘bad’ behaviors in a given year were definitely related to more frequent parental physical discipline in the next year
√ more frequent parental physical discipline in a given year was significantly related to more frequent child anti-social behaviors in the next year.

The main result was that both mild and harsh physical discipline was associated with more subsequent child antisocial behavior. (MORE…)

CHART CONTINUED from Part 1

MY parenting -3

MY Parenting -4

 

NEXT: Parenting styles Part 3

4 PARENTING Styles & RESULTS (Part 1)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

4 styles

 

 

 

 

 

I LOVE OVERVIEWS! – They provide perspective

SITES: 10 Parenting Styles  // Other STYLES (slides 16-17)
• How the Tigers, Dolphins & Jellyfish Parents Differ
• TIGER MOM – Cultural differences (+ cartoon by Keith Knight)
• HUMOR: Not A Tiger Or Helicopter Mom? (Google images)
• Parenting Quiz (Slides 7-8)

QUOTE: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (New Testament – Colossians 3:21)

DEF: Parenting styles are the methods that parents use to take care of their children. Categories: Authoritative, Autocratic, Permissive & Neglectful (1 healthy, 3 unhealthy), with –
✦ Degrees of:
– Nurturing Affection : warm <—-> cold
– Demand & Control : more <—-> less
✦ Dimensions that are essential: Communication styles / Disciplinary strategies / Expectations of maturity & control / Warmth & nurturance (Diana Baumring – 1967)

• Our basic identity is modified & shaped by our experiences with our parents – forming the structure of our adult personality. What we learned back then is deeply implanted in our most primitive, powerful emotions as young children, when we were totally vulnerable to being molded.diagram of parenting styles

🚼 Each of us is unique – different from everyone else, both as individuals & in relation to our family structure (gender, birth order, looks, interests….).
🚻 And each parent has their own pre-set core Self & personality style.
Even though adults have most of the power & control, family relationships are indeed reciprocal – parents have an effect on their children, & children have an effect on parents. The mix & match of 🚼 & 🚻 is complex & often at odds.

Finding actual cause-&-effect links between specific parental actions & children’s resulting ‘personality’ is not simple or easy. Some children raised in dramatically different environments can later grow up to have remarkably similar personalities.

Conversely, some who share a home & raised in the same environment can grow up to have astonishingly different personalities –  due to the same or different Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Astrology….
However, researchers have found correlations between these 4 categories & how children turn out

Realistically, the Parental Style used is the one that each child experiences, not the one the adults ‘think’ they’re expressing, or wish they could be using. But most parents always default to a favorite negative style, while only a few aspire to / work at living more in the healthy one (Authoritative).
The length & intensity of interactions with their children are based on their own emotional states, motivations, engagement, levels of stress, feeling fresh or tired…. at any given moment.
Actually, most parents switch between all 4.

The next 2 composite charts outline the 4 types (#1 & 2) MY parenting -1

NEXT: Parenting styles (Part 2)

Blog Celebration

dmtorbi ACoAs

Screen Shot 2015-05-16 at 3.38.53 AM

Thanks to all my readers –
celebrate with me completing 500 posts (2010-2015) on WordPress.com

ALSO – ACoA website: http://www.acoarecovery.comScreen Shot 2015-05-16 at 3.26.41 AM

ACoAs – HUMILITY (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 8.16.17 PM

 THE MORE SELF-ESTEEM
the more humility!

PREVIOUS:  HUMILITY (#1)

SITES: ‘’HUMILITY – the most beautiful word in the English Language’’

• Intellectual Humility (extensive)

BOOK: “So, I’m not Perfect! – A Psychology of Humility” ~ Robert J. Fury (not religious)

QUOTEs :  “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit” ~ Aristotle
• “Confidence without Humility is arrogance. Humility without confidence is self-deprecation” Anon.

1. HUMILITY MARKERS re. ONESELF
YOU:
• know your inner worth, not dependent on out-performing others, nor having to always be ’the first, the best, the most…. ’
• don’t have to frantically chase some intangible or unrealistic degree of importance, success, fame or power
• do have a clear perspective of present-day reality, respecting your place in whatever context you’re in
YOU:
• have an honest, accurate assessment of your actual talents, your limits & areas that need improving
• can admit mistakes, & ask for forgiveness when in error
• can handle frustrating situations with a genuine sense of inner ‘serenity’, since your respond, rather than react, to life’s challenges.
ARE
• able to control your temper
Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 7.46.19 PM• able to value but not spoil yourself (give in to every whim of the WIC)
• courteous, respectful, not pretentious, not boastful nor gloating about accomplishments
ARE
• good for the sake of being good, admitting you’re as human as everyone else
• happy to work behind the scenes when required or appropriate, knowing your work is as important as any done in the spotlight
• not attracted to superficial or unhealthy behavior
ARE
• OK with being an ordinary / average person (even if ‘special’, gifted, ‘important’), not needing to be part of some in-crowd to feel acceptable
• teachable – assuming there’s always more to learn about & from all PPT
• willing to give up your right to be right. Do not demand your rights

2. MARKERS re. OTHERS
ARE
• able & willing to forgive others, letting go of grudges & bitterness
• comfortable with others’ success. H prevents embarrassing yourself in competitive situations
• compassionate & look for the best in others (realistically). Give others the benefit of the doubt
• motivated to help people, aware that others have needs too
YOU
 • ask Qs & love dialogue (not assume you know everything), & use conversation to explore new worlds
• ALSO put energy & effort into listening
• don’t gossip, especially about faults you see in others
• don’t pre-judge others’ behavior, knowing that everyone has their own reasons for doing things which you may find annoying, even if you don’t know or never find out what those are
YOU
• know you need others, so allow yourself to be open & vulnerable rather than closed & ‘distant’
• respect those in authority, & pray for them to have wisdom
• speak simply, not trying to manipulate or trip others up
• show honest interest in others by asking about their lives & accomplishments
• treat each person as someone of value, regardless of their position in society, profession, age or economic status

a. Social Activism: One form of H regards reform, such as in thhelp otherse 2013 workshop by Melanie Marie Tervalon’s  “Cultural Humility: Working in Partnership with Families & Communities”.
Included topics were: Reversing health disparities in the US / Using tools of cultural competence & cultural humility at work

b. In Business: Humility is studied as a multi-dimensional trait, which includes awareness, self-understanding, openness & perspective ability. People with these qualities are valued because they tend to be more generous, selfless & altruistic

• Jim Collins, in “Built To Last: Successful Habits of Visionary Companies” (1994), says humility is a key ingredient at the highest level of executive ability. “Humility + Will = Level 5 leaders, who are a study in duality – modest and willful, shy and fearless, patient yet express fierce resolve.” (MORE….)

humble leadersc. Confident leaders succeed, but not at the expense of others. They have a broader sphere of influence, attract better talent, inspire more confidence, loyalty & respect. Truly H people are quietly self-assured, giving them more determination & commitment

Humble LEADERs come from a position of strength, & are more persuasive – WITH the:
• courage to set aside personal gain to benefit others
• character to respond charitably when attacked
• candor to be honest, & ability to change course if necessary

SITEs: “3 Reasons to Be Humble: People, Agility, and Growth”, re. entrepreneurs
“Humility: The Foundation Value of Innovation Leadership”

NEXT: BLOG Celebration – 500 posts (2015)

ACoAs – HUMILITY (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , ,

SELF ESTEEM ALLOWS ME
to think well of myself – realistically

PREVIOUS: ARROGANCE (Part 2)

SITE: “The key to Dignified Humility: Admitting you’re Wrong”

QUOTEs: “True humility is strength, not weakness. It disarms antagonism & ultimately conquers it.” ~Meher Baba
“To be truly great one has to stand with people, not above them” ~ Charles de Montesquieu, French politician & philosopher

DEF: HUMILITY (H), from the Latin ‘humilitas’ = ‘low, from the earth, grounded’
• To not think oneself better than others (but never self-deprecating!)
• Recognize & accept our limitations based on an accurate estimate of our value & abilities.
Opposite of grandiosity, narcissism, hubris, & other forms of negative pride
EXP:Usain Bolt
NOT H: IF Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt were to say that he’s not a speedy guy, it would either be a joke, false humility or S-H, since he truly IS the speediest of all his peers!

YES H: What he DID say was that – his accomplishments need to be placed in the context of Jamaican track-and-field emphasis & excellence, which reflect those who have helped him !

HUMILITY (H), sometimes called “modesty”, is most often talked & written about in religious terms. The great religions espouse it, spiritual teachers encourage it, preachers & (some) parents try to instill it.
➼ However, here we mainly want to consider what it means as a social & psychological character trait.

• But even without a religious context, H can still take on a moral and/or ethical dimension. It’s the ability to acknowledge that we have problems, faults, pains, make mistakes, act in ways that we don’t want to, say or think things we know are not positive….
Humility is acknowledging / accepting how we actually are, right now.

Oscar Ichazo, in ‘The Enneagram of Personality’, gives a good clue to the meaning of H – a true virtue:
“It is accepting the limits of the body’s capacities.

The mind holds unreal beliefs about its own powers, but the body knows exactly what it can & cannot do.
Humility – in the broadest sense – is the knowledge of our true place in the cosmic scale.”

Appropriate H (not martyrdom, S-H or victimhood (↖️see chart) is firmly rooted in self-esteem, an inner security that comes from permission to be oneself, & the willingness to provide for one’s own needs & wants.
That way we don’t have to depend on what others think of us to be OK.

H people are clear that, while they definitely know they have personal worth, they have perspective, understanding that each of us is a very small cog in a very large universe.
➼ With this broad & realistic view, the truly humble person cannot be humiliated.

NOTE: To develop H —
✥ children must form a secure attachment, starting in infancy, BY receiving consistent & loving parenting, firm guidance & realistic role-modeling.
✥ As adults – a most important aspect of H is the realization that our lives & concerns are valuable, but no more important than anyone else’s.
💟 These 2 TRUTHS are the opposite of our ACoA ‘education’!

DIAGRAM
Any extreme is unhealthy:
• Too much Pride & we act superior, untouchable
• Too much H, & we’ll let every one walk on us

• Healthy Pride is empowering
• Healthy H means we don’t need to do impression-management

• LaBouff & Assoc. ran 3 H studies (2012) with college students, which showed that humble people are more helpful than those who are less so.
Students who reported valuing humility were willing to help another student, even without much external pressure.

Additional studies echo this conclusion – humility is a consistent predictor of generosity, making a H person a more valuable member of society = Other people matter too, & we can matter more to others if we ‘matter less’ to ourself (self-centered ARR).

• H has been linked with better academic & job performance. Correlated with the need for Achievement (nA), it helps advance one’s fortune in the world, & is excellent for leadership.

• Humble people have better social relationships: because they’re more cooperative, compassionate, flexible, forgiving, grateful, open, admit mistakes & avoid deception

• Exline & Hill showed that H people accept their limitations, are well-adjusted, kind, self-aware, & intelligent – without needing to be all-knowing.
They ALSO value the welfare of others, & are able to ‘forget themself’ when appropriate or necessary.

NEXT: Humility (Part 2)

ACoAs – ARROGANCE (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: ARROGANCE vs Humility (#1)

SITE: “10 ways to tell if you’re confident — or arrogant“

 

ACoAs: Self-Hate & Arrogance (ARR)
😢 On the one hand we see others as superior to us, ‘saner’, more capable, luckier, not damaged – like we are….. We nurture the bad habit of “compare & despair”.
Many of us have such a poor understanding of what self-esteem is that we’re often duped by people who have created a persona / False Self which makes them seem confident, but are actually arrogant, narcissistic & grandiose.
Just because someone has a career, family, education, a social life…. doesn’t mean they’re psychologically healthy. Consider our own parents, who may have had some of these externals, yet were selfish, neglectful, cruel, even crazy.

😎 On the other hand – we have our own secret arrogance. Hard to believe? Don’t want to admit to this character defect? How could depressed, victim-y, self-hating ACoAs possible be arrogant?
ANS: No matter how well disguised, ARR is the WIC’s :
◆ mistaken way of compensating for its deep sense of powerlessness
◆ copying how some of our caretakers acted, absorbed into our PigP

ACoA ARR shows up in several ways, AS:
• Self-Hate, which says we are the worst – the bad seed, evil …. AND
• Superiority, which says “I’m actually better than everyone else, even though they don’t know it. I’ll never let on, or they won’t like me.”

• Co-dependence, which says that we can prevent others from feeling certain emotions (ones we’re most afraid of) OR from abandoning us. That we have the power to control how others see & treat us, by how well we ‘behave’ (suppressing our True Self)

• Dependence (as adults) which says we have the right to use others to ‘take care’ of us so we don’t have to, because we’re victims. We wait for them to be substitute parents, to do for us what we can & should be doing for ourselves : waiting to be chosen (rather than choosing) to give us permission, approval, validation, basic info, constant pushing, motivation, love…. & most of all to give us an identity!

• Grandiosity, which says we can do superhuman things, like fixing our parents’ pain & damage, getting narcissists to ‘see/hear‘ us, doing 20 things at once, skip over process, know things we were never taught…..

• Idealism, which says that the whole world should be the way we want it to be, since we know the ‘right’ way others should behave
• Perfectionism, which says we can make ourselves flaw-less, in order to be loved & approved of. (Failure is inevitable, which adds to our S-H)

• Rescuing, which says we have the right to interfere in other people’s lives – because we know better what’s good / right for them

• Symbiosis (our narcissism), which says that everyone should think, feel & act the way WE do or would. Then we’re confused when they don’t.
IMPLIED: Everyone has to be just like us = since we’re not actually allowed to be our True Self, if we can hide in a crowd of others who are all the same, the world (parents) won’t notice, & won’t punish or kill us.!!

EXP: Any time we say with anger or anguish: “I just can’t understand how he/she could do/be XYZ….”  = implies that only our way is reasonable & correct, so how can they be so dumb, mean, selfish….?
IMPLICATION : If they’re not like us then we’re exposed!

arroganceBTW: It’s imperative for ACoAs to learn & believe that it is NOT arrogant or selfish* TO take care of ourselves, acknowledge our needs & act on them – before dealing with the needs/wants of other adults

➼ This is true self-esteem, a requirement for mature, successful living, without having to ‘use’ others to get our needs met or tell us who we are supposed to be

*Selfish is when we expect / demand someone to give themselves up for us – to do what we want them to do or be – instead of what’s right for them.
Selfish is when we expect / demand that others provide our needs, instead of supporting them to take loving care of themself.

SELF-CARE is about taking responsibility for our own life, being in charge of our choices, being our own motivator – rather than blaming others or the ‘universe’ when we don’t feel taken care of. Self-care = Mental Health

NEXT: HUMILITY = #1

ACoAs – ARROGANCE (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

I CAN ONLY STAND MYSELF  – if I pretend to be superior!

PREVIOUS: Humiliation (#3)

SITE: “The Difference Between Confidence & Arrogance is Empathy“
◆ Teaching Humility in an Age of Arrogance

QUOTEs:“Much to learn, you still have” ~ YODA to Count Dooku, StarWars II
• “Do you wish people to think well of you? Don’t speak well of yourself” ~ Pascal

DEF: ARROGANCE (ARR) = inflating, exalting, over-valuing oneself. It’s “Bigging yourself up”, whether publicly or just inside your own mind, & often involves criticizing & knocking others down at the same time. (Ennea-Type #3)
“The act or habit of making unjustified declarations in an overbearing manner…. exorbitant claims of rank, dignity, estimation, or power”

♦️It is a major characteristic of all styles of narcissism – overt or covert, falling on a continuum from mild to severe. The extreme  expression of arrogance is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  2 main types:
• Vulnerable – those who use arrogance to compensate for their insecurity
• Grandiose – who truly believe themselves to be perfect, without weakness or limitations.

It’s one of 7 features of “dark” personality traits, based on 7 basic fears, which are the False Self’s primary means of self-preservation.
• Arrogance = FEAR of vulnerability
• Greed = f. of lack / not having enough
• Impatience = f. of missed or lost opportunity
• Martyrdom = f. of worthlessness
• Self-Destruction = f.  of loss of control
• Self-Deprecation = f. of inadequacy
• Stubbornness = f. of change or of new situations (MORE…)

CHARACTERISTICS of ARR people (A G. Cerdan)
☂︎ Constantly talking about themselves & their achievements
☂︎ Charming – at first. Behind it is contempt, lack of empathy, resentment & selfishness
☂︎ Intolerant of anyone who doesn’t like or approve of them
☂︎ Never asking for forgiveness
☂︎ Over-compensate for insecurity – being loud, stubborn, showing off in dress & makeup….
☂︎ Tremendous need to be praised
☂︎ Trouble forming & keeping relationships
☂︎ Won’t admit mistakes, can’t handle criticism

ARR. is the result of Negative childhood experiences, causing:
a. deep (hidden) terror & insecurity (fear of abandonment)
b. the WIC’s dysfunctional strategy to ‘protect’ the Self
c. misconceptions about the nature of Self, life & others
d. a False Persona to hide a, b & c in adulthood

• We all have the potential to be arrogant in some area  of our life. But – for people terrified to admit or show common human limitations, it can become a dominant pattern.  This character defect represents the need to be seen as flawless, because exposing any weakness makes them feel unbearably vulnerable (like negative EnneaType 1, but not exclusively). See (Ennea-Flaws in All)

Hidden belief: “Who I really am will never be good enough for anyone to accept. So no one must ever see the real me.”
ACoAs are very familiar with this obsession with perfection, because our family punished or made fun of normal childhood needs & behavior, which they treated as unforgivable flaws!

Opposite poles 
– – Vanity (unhealthy False Self): 
an irrational / obsessive belief in our superior attractiveness or abilities as reflected in the eyes of others – which is falling for our own lies (egotism / narcissism).
It comes from the Latin vanities: empty, foolish, futile, untruthful

+ + Pride (healthy Confidence): recognizing, appreciating AND enjoying all our good qualities, rather than exaggerating or need yo make them up to mask or deny normal human limits & imperfection.
It’s a positive expression of the True Self, being realistic about our innate value & accomplishments  (“Worst & Best Personality Traits” – lists)

WHY do ARR people Succeed?
⚡️They use anger to intimidate
⚡️Being ‘difficult’ makes others give in to them more easily
⚡️Being dominant / domineering allows them to steal the show
⚡️Believing they’re superior helps them go for what they want
⚡️In disagreements, they attack the person rather than the issue

Arrogant leaders can do well in business, but rarely create lasting relationships – because they doesn’t inspire loyalty & trust. They’re often surrounded by users who are all too happy to take advantage of the egotist’s ruthless & obsessive need to ‘make good’, but will jump ship at the first sign of trouble

ARR is built on a variety of sandy / swampy foundations, such as:
– family lineage, ‘connections’, money, possessions
– achievements based on natural talents + hard work
– illusions / self-deception about non-existent personal qualities
– being stuck in past glory & accomplishments
HOWEVER – none of these provide genuine self-esteem, which only has one source: Unconditional love!

NEXT: Arrogance #2

ACoAs & HUMILIATION (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Humiliation – Part 2

QUOTEs :“It’s a pervasive & all too destructive influence in the behavior of individuals, groups, organizations & nations.”  ~ Donald Klein

✦ “Persistent humiliation robs you of the advantage of rebellion.” ~ M. Silver

✦ “The difference between how a person treats the powerless versus the powerful is as good a measure of human character as I know.” ~ Robert I. Sutton, Stanford prof

↗️ NOVEL: “The Insulted and Humiliated”~ Fyodor Dostoyevesky Review
Goodreads: “…. published soon after Dostoevsky’s political imprisonment, clearly foreshadows his later preoccupation with unconscious psychological drives & their external effects on the lives of his characters. Where his later works carry these drives to inevitably dramatic conclusions, this book confines them within the smaller boundaries of everyday events…..”

HUMILIATION (cont)
1. EXTERNAL Sources (Part 1)
2. INTERNAL : Self-humiliation (Part 2)

3. RESULTS of being humiliated
Donald C. Klein in “The Humiliation Dynamic,” points out that being disrespected can cause some people to become consumed by wounded pride, producing ‘humiliated fury’.
At the other extreme – if the disrespect exposes a person’s powerlessness & lack of control, it can also cause perpetual anxiety.

• Even if the humiliation is not intentional, as in a misunderstanding, the consequences can be severe, ranging from interpersonal conflict to international terrorism. 3x Nobel Peace Prize nominee & author of “From Humiliation to Dignity” Evelin Lindner calls it the “nuclear bomb of emotions.”

• In 2 studies (PubMed), students were subjected to shameful events every day for 2 weeks. They reported resulting feelings of anger, and made sure to point out class-mates who also got angry. Narcissism was treated as a potential factor in their reactions.
As predicted, shameful events made children angry – especially boys with high narcissism scores. These results validate clinical theory that shaming events can trigger that ‘humiliated fury’.humiliation depression

• When turned inward this rage most often results in depression & apathy. The accompanying S-H prevents the sufferer from meeting their own needs, much less having energy available to love & care for others

• When turned outward it can form paranoia & revenge fantasies, which can lead to sadistic behavior. Unfortunately this fury produces additional victims, often including innocent bystanders

Some consequences
People in power use humiliation as a form of social control & oppression. It’s effective because the fear of humiliation (attack on one’s pride) can be a powerful motivation for taking actions – sometimes positive (to prove ‘they’re wrong’), but more often negative (against one’s own needs)

• Humiliation (internal or external) has been linked to abusing oneself or others, academic failure, delinquency, depression, discrimination, learned helplessness, low self-esteem, marital conflict, social disruption, social isolation, under-achievement, torture – even death.

4. RECOVERY – Consider:
1. whether the humiliating comment or action does or does not – in reality – diminish your seltime to evaluatef-image, decrease your position, or tarnish your public face / reputation.
If NO, then stop obsessing about it & “let go”
OR
2. if the event does harm you socially (a concrete result) – but not your self-esteem – consider your options. What can you do to correct or repair the situation? Use any positive help you can find.
OR
3. Does the humiliation feel so familiar – that you believe it?
It’s IMP to identify why specific comments / actions hurt you:
• How does it echo your childhood?
• What loss (realistic or emotion-based) does it represent to you? (of self-esteem, of connection, of social opportunities, of financial benefit….)
• What do you need to do – if anything – to counter it?

Solutions to being humiliated :
• If possible, talk to the offender, from you Adult ego state, & ask for the behavior to stop
• If they will not respond favorably, leave the degrading environment & find a more appreciative one, as soon as possible
OR
• If ‘trapped’, even temporarily, with an abuser (bully, controller, sadist, manipulator…) you can re-frame the painful experiences in some way that acknowledges your strength & ability to cope.

Most important – do not take it personally. This increases self-confidence & diminishes the damaging effects & fear of humiliation.
Being humiliated, by oneself or others, is NEVER justified!

For more background on this version of humiliation, review posts:
Self-Hate & ACoAs / Our Wounded Inner Child / Over-controlling Ourselves / Toxic Family RULES / What is Emotional Abuse?

NEXT: Arrogance (Part 1)

ACoAs & HUMILIATION (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

inner-critic I’VE LEARNED ALL TOO WELL
to humiliate myself & let others


PREVIOUS: Humiliation – Part 1

 

1. EXTERNAL Sources (cont)
a. Physical
b. Emotional (Part 1)

c. MENTAL
Being:
• always held at arm’s length (non-responsive mate, child, ‘friend’)
• deliberately overlooked or ignored
• falsely accused, or subject to slander, gossip, insinuations
• given the silent treatment, treated as invisible
• made to wait for someone unnecessarily, habituallymental abuse
• threatened with any form of abuse

Having
• acknowledgement or recognition withheld
• to agree with someone’s opinion or beliefs which contradict your own
• the attention you get only be a way to manipulation you
• to apologize unfairly, when not guilty of anything
• your experience or information dismissed, discounted, silenced

d. SOCIAL 
Being:
• forced to defer to others who are less honorable, intelligent or less qualified
• poor, unemployed, foreclosed, homeless
• reduced in authority, power, rank, responsibility, role, title
• publicly disrespected, downgraded, defeated, slighted
• shamed by bad investments, debt, bankruptcyignored
• subjected to punishment, social powerlessness, imprisonment
• shamed for appearance, character,  gender, heritage, race
• made the victim of a practical joke, prank, or confidence scheme

NOTE: Not all recipients of these experiences are innocent. While many people are true victims – some ‘earn’ one or more of these mistreatments by acting out, being abusive, disrespectful, criminal activities…. or by unconsciously setting themselves up, to have someone teach them a lesson, punish or pay them back.

This does not mean that humiliation is a legitimate way to treat anyone – but is often the way people retaliate on their abusers (perpetrator), or copy their original tormentor by inflict on others the injuries previously done to them.

2. INTERNAL Source: Self-humiliation
Being put down always comes from outside, something done TO someone, & is NOT acceptable to most victims.

However, if you were continually humiliated as a child – at school, in the playground, but especially at home – you came to believe you deserved it, so is the way you should always be treated (via the PP = introject).
Even though it makes you feel angry, sad, lonely, hopeless…. & maybe consciously you don’t think it’s right or fair – you’ve internalize the mistreatment (of course) & will act it out in many, or all, parts of your life

• For ACoAs, being humiliated is experienced as :
“You’re attacking my feeling shamevery essence, & it seems to make enough sense since I already doubt my own worth, so I feel shame”.

It represents a lack of self-respect – not about our abilities or actions – but about the core of our being, saying we have no intrinsic value.
Without ‘serious’ help to understand & deal with it, we assume it’s inevitable – perpetuating our self-degradation, & finding others who will also reinforce the original pattern

SHAME is internal. It’s an emotional response to an insult to our basic Self.
As adults, we can only feel humiliated if we agree with what’s said or done to us. When we’re insecure about our rights & our value, we’re more prone to feel shame when disrespected, because we give too much weight to what others think of us than to what we think of ourselves.
NOTE: Feeling ashamed is from us. But –
‘Being shamed’ is the same as ‘being humiliated’ – & comes from others

WAYS of functioning from shame, S-H & FoA
🚩 an adult always acting or sounding like a child (childish / immature)
🚩 acting out in various ways, public drunkenness, lewdness, fighting
🚩 always grabbing the spotlight, being arrogant, showing off
🚩 being inappropriate in a particular setting (actions / language suited to some venues, but not the one you’re in)
chasing🚩 being sexually inappropriate, promiscuous
🚩 ‘chasing’ anyone who is just not interested or definitely unavailable, &/or something unrealistic, not appropriate…
🚩 dating people who neglect & abuse you
🚩 justifying or over-explaining yourself
🚩 making a fool of yourself – for attention, from rage or arrogance
🚩 not having or using common sense
talking too much🚩 not ‘letting go’, not accepting reality

🚩 punishing self or letting other punish you – for making mistakes
🚩 talking trash, over-using sexual innuendos
🚩 telling everyone your personal business / all of your flaws / dumping your problems in them
🚩 trying to do the impossible (reversed Serenity Prayer)
🚩 trying to convince a narcissist of your point of view, or that you’re right & they’re wrong

NEXT: Humiliation (Part 3)