4 PARENTING Styles & Results (Part 3)


I WISH THEY HAD BEEN more helpful & supportive!

PREVIOUS: Parent styles, #2

BOOK: “Parenting with Love & Logic” includes Drill Sergeant, Helicopter, Counselor/Consultant – Forster Cline, M.D. & Jin Fay

PERSONAL WISDOM
Obviously, different parental styles contribute to how each child turns out – that is – their adapted personality, most often forming the false Persona in wounded people. It’s a major factor in how well a child will succeed in life – whether they manage, achieve, meet & overcome challenges OR flounder, run from stress, fail to cope or give up.

A 1994 study found that “good adjustment” in adolescence was overwhelmingly associated with parenting style. (‘Child Development’ ~ Steinberg, Samborn, Darling, Mounts & Dornbusch).
Of interest is what helps or hinders the development of wisdom, which involves being flexible – the ability to use different kinds of behavior when circumstances demand a change in response.

Whatever the reason or circumstance, when parents stick to only one style, a child will only learn that way of dealing with conflict & uncertainty. When parents are unable or unwilling to vary interacting, they stifle the flexibility needed to develop wisdom in later life.

RESULTS of Parent Styles (short form)Result of P styles
Autocratic (authoritarian) parents tend to produce children who are “dismissive”. Other people have no intrinsic value but must prove themselves worthy of respect & attention, just as the child had to do with his/her parents.
This is commonly referred to as “conditional regard.” You’re only worth what you’ve earned

Indulgent parents who give their children free rein, tend to create adults with a “preoccupied” relationship with others. As adults they’ll try to find the same indulgent, ‘unconditional regard’ from others they got from their parents, forever chasing a lost childhood

Indifferent parents who are cold & fitfully controlling, create an atmosphere of uncertainty & mistrust. An absence of affection, rules or emotional support sets a child adrift in a chaotic social environment without a built-in compass. This creates ‘fearful’ adults who usually find the world of people extremely difficult & so try to limit or avoid relationships

Democratic parents produce a more ‘secure’ adult, having received warmth & affection, but within a set of rules for appropriate behavior.
However, if these parents are too supportive without teaching the child when something is ‘off’ in their thinking or behavior, they may grow up to be —  overconfident about their ability to engage with & persuade others, the same way they were able to do with their parents.
Without any sense of realistic uncertainty / insecurity, these adults may form delusions of grandeur, believing they’re capable of greatness, without the actual ability.

LONG FORM – composite

MY child -1

Ego States – CHILD (Part 6)

broken home

 

PREVIOUS: Child E.S. (Part 2)

CES = child ego state
AES = adult   ”     ”
PES  = parent  ”    ”

NC = Natural C.  // AC = Adapted C.

 

FIXATION (see CHILD – Part 1b)
As long as the original trauma in our past is still lurking in the background as unfinished business, those experiences become psychological fixations – “stuck-ness”. So behaviors, beliefs or emotions connected to unhealed buttons can still be triggered today.
One stressor may throw us back to thoughts, emotions & actions when we were 10, while another event make us feel like a helpless infant

When the -AC E.S. takes over our usual way of functioning, we’re hijacked by something inside, out of our control because it happens so fastold damage – & we’re back in our childhood. This shows us exactly where particular old wound needs to be repaired. (“Cycles of Power” has examples)

This damage is a mirror of the PP (Introject), not from our True Self, which would include the Natural Child (+FC), capable of being comfortable with self & others.  Mal-adaptive Introjects keep the Child in pain & psychologically trapped in the past. Fortunately we can reprogram the brain.

⚙️ We can be emotionally stuck in the past because of verbally, physically & sexually abusive adults, physical & emotional neglect, unmet developmental needs, & generally unskillful or inadequate parenting. Children get confused when their needs are punished, misunderstood, ignored or trivialized – consciously or not. When it happens often enough, those lacks poison our whole world

💜 But even with caring parents, some ACoAs can get fixated at a  developmental stage because:
• the child or siblings’ needs were particularly complex or obscure
• unavailable or incompetent social / medical ‘support’ systems
• the family was under extreme stress from various hardships (severe financial or health problems, natural disasters, war / PTDS)…..
….. which under better circumstances parents would have wanted to & been capable of providing

Distressing CHILD experiences can be grouped:
a. Developmentally 
screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-3-09-18-am• at age 4 : when a sibling was born, you were left behind when mom went to the hospital with no one to explain or comfort. Not knowing what was happening you were scared, alone, confused
at age 6 : started school, wanting to belong but had trouble fitting in, with some of the same emotions of the 4 yr old – confused, scared, lonely ….

as a teen : being uncomfortable relating to the opposite sex, not being in the in-crowd …. feeling unsafe, shy & insecure, like those very first days at school
as an adult :  when sexually attracted to someone, feeling like that insecure teen or scared 6 yr. old again, awkward when talking to them or afraid to approach for fear of rejection, like the 4 yr old who’s mother ‘left’ you for another child!

b. by Specific Events – such as a long series of losses
age 4: a parent permanently left or died. You didn’t understand, weren’t helped to cope with the pain, felt traumatized & withdrew
age 7 : your family moved far away, separating you from familiar connections with school, neighbors & friends. Starting over was tough

as a teen : your best friend left you behind to hang out with other kids, with no explanation. You were devastated, confused, lonely, angry
as adult : when your mate, best friend of even your child goes out somewhere – without you – you may feel a deep pang of abandonment, fear & jealousy, as if they’re never coming back.

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-3-00-41-amAccumulated abandonments left you either trusting no one or trusting too easily – just to not feel alone. They can add up to feeling unwanted,
so we :
⚒ isolated, bitter, angry, even paranoid
⚒ OR create a persona to cover the pain – the comedian, the ‘brain’, the controlling leader, the bad boy…. someone no one can ignore, ever again
⚒ OR the timid soul, the love-addicted, the ‘good one’, so invisible that no one can touch.

🔻 No matter which form the self-protection takes, the PP or WIC is in charge, with a weak Healthy Adult & a missing Good Parent.

NEXT: Ego States – CHILD (Part 4)

EGO STATES – Basics (Part 3)

3 voices
I HAVE DIFFERENT ‘VOICES’
for different situations

PREVIOUS: Ego States – Basics (Part 2)

YouTube :
Transactional Analysis, Ego-states 1-3

 


DEVELOPMENT & TRAUMA
Ego states seem to develop from normal differentiation (separating general concepts into specific meaning – good vs bad….), introjection of significant others, & reactions to trauma

According to Dan Siegel E.S. can become ingrained when a positive OR negative event is experienced repeatedly, or when a traumatic event is overwhelming. In general, they become parts of the Self, some by reacting to other people, & some by internalizing them

a. Integrating – Combining & incorporating previously disconnected ‘objects’ into one larger entity. Through this mental skill a child learns to put concepts together, such as combining ‘Dog’ and ‘Cat’ into more complex units called Animals. Mother and Father become Family.

A healthy Personality is the integration of all conflicting reaction tendencies (needs, instincts & habits), gradually organized & then harmonized into a whole. According to Jung, it’s the process by which the individual & collective unconscious are fused, indicating psychological maturity, & may help a person move past negative habits

When conflicting reaction tendencies are not resolved, disturbances in the personality can cause dissociation or disintegration of the Self into separate parts (More….)

b. Normal Differentiation – separates general concepts into specific meaning. Children slowly separate out their own identity from that of other family members – having different opinions & values, while still being able to stay emotionally connected to them.
They learn to discriminate between things they like & don’t like, which become entire patterns useful for dealing with parents, teachers & playmates. This eventually makes S & I possible. (More…..)

EXP: This mental skill allows us to understand when one set of behaviors is appropriate during a sporting event but not at a business meeting.
When this separating process become excessive & self-defeating, it’s usually called ‘dissociation’

c. Introjection of significant others :
Children unconsciously accumulate groups of beliefs, emotions & behaviors from their caretakers that may be acceptable to their True Self – or not.
— If YES, the behaviors get included into their sense of identity (this is me)
— If NO (qualities of abusive / neglectful parents) then the behavior ‘clusters’ become Inner Objects (not me) which have to be handled or managed by developing defense mechanisms
d. Trauma
To survive overwhelming rejection & other kinds of abuse, children will form internal E.S. which:
– end up in constant conflict (PP vs Natural Child… PP vs Healthy Adult, WIC vs Natural Child…. ⇓) OR
– get cut off from each other (dissociated) to save the child’s sanity
These choices prevent a feeling of security or the ability to extract the most from the outside world

EXP: Healthy children can create a temporary imaginary playmate but eventually don’t need it, replace it with a real-life friends.

BUT a lonellonely childy, isolated child may remove part of its True Self to produce such a ‘friend’, so the imaginary companion feels very real & is hard to give up – like killing a part of oneself – instead of it getting re-integrated

💔When such a child is forced to push part of the Self out of awareness because of conflict & environmental pressure, for some – those cut off parts can eventually be channeled into work, the arts….. But more often the result will be withdrawing from others.
And in a few, this mutilation of the human soul can show up later in life in a different, more damaging form ie. multiple personalities. (“We, the Divided Self”, Watkins & Johnson, 1982).

Jack G. Watkins and Helen H Watkins, at Montana U worked with people who had deep inner conflicts between various ego states which make up the “family of self” – using the techniques of group & family therapy, but with a single individual. Any of the behavioral, cognitive, analytic, or humanistic methods helped to create a kind of internal diplomacy.
Their “Ego-state therapy” demonstrated that complex psychodynamic problems can often be resolved in a relatively short time compared to more analytic therapies.” (More….)

NEXT: Ego States – Intro (#4)

EGO STATES – Basics (Part 1)

inner child 

I HAVE SEVERAL PARTS INSIDE
& I feel best when they get along!

PREVIOUS: Process, Recovery #2b

REVIEW: S & I – Healthy Individuation

 

EGO STATES (E.S.)
• We’re all born with the potential for 3 basic personality components – Parent / Adult / Child (P.A.C.) which vary in size & importance. They show up early in life in immature form, & are supposed to keep developing throughout life.
They’re called ‘ego states’ – because whichever one we’re in at the moment we think of as ‘me’, our sense of identity (ego = Self). Each is internally ESs-Basic part 1consistent, having its own Thoughts, Emotions & Actions (TEA).

Experiences & activities from childhood become grouped into these ‘clusters’, also called the “Family of the Self” (NOT schizophrenia), which are neural pathways in the brain forged by chemical connections as a result of thinking, feeling or doing (TEA) the same thing over & over, year after year.
How well these internal parts get along among themselves – in order for the individual to function effectively – can vary greatly from person to person

These clusters contain our conscious beliefs, opinions, inner ‘voices’, attitudes… & include memories, roles, physical feelings & postures, mental rules….
They become our habitual way of responding toward ourselves & the world, each cluster formed around some point of view or common ‘truth’, either healthy or not – depending on upbringing & native personality
Healthy =  P : “I protect” / A : “I get things done”/ C : “I play”

Unhealthy (P) may organize around rigid rules
“I have to rid the world of all wrong-doing / It’s my way or the highway”
Wounded (C) may base it’s sense of identity on —
“I have to be perfect to be loved / I have to hide all my needs”
Limited (A) may focus on self-importance
“I want everyone to be impressed // I have to do…. no matter what”

E.S. are conscious aspects of our psyche which we can shift in & out of – one minute acting like a kid, the next handling a problem in Adult mode…. Unlike 2 of Freud’s 3 states (superego & id) ego states are visible, making it possible to notice, value, work with & modify aspects of them, if desired. Even so, most people are not aware of having different state, much less which one they’re expressing at any given moment.

However it can be noticed by others, just by listening to or watching how someone acts, even if they don’t know the terminology. Which ever E.S. is ‘on’ can get a response accordingly : “Boy, is he being a brat! (wounded C) / You’re not the boss of me! (bad P) / Yes, the suggestion you made is very practical” (healthy A).

General rule: Most people you deal with are either coming from their Wounded Child (WIC) or Negative Parent (PP) ego state

NORMAL – Childhood parts become integrated into a larger whole, with the Healthy Adult in charge. They work well together internally, partly because they include Adaptive Introjects of caring, supportive caretakers & teachers as healthy role models. This allows such people to function successfully in the world because
they :
• have flexible rather than rigid thinking
• experience & manage full range of Es
• hold positive beliefs about Self & the world
• act in appropriate, productive ways
• live in the present (instead of all in the past or all in the future)

HEALTHY ego states form in childhood in response to positive, affirming relationships within a family that’s loving & able to connect to the child in all 4 PMES ways (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual)

EXP of a mature internal dialogue
Healthy ADULT: “Hmmm, it’s Saturday. I want my place to look, feel & smell nice, so I’m going to clean today”
Playful younger CHILD: “NOOO, I want to play. I want to go to a movie with my friends & have fun!”
Loving PARENT: “I know little one, but the place is not in good shape right now, & you know how much better you feel here when it’s all clean & fresh.
We can do something you like tomorrow, & then we’ll have even more fun knowing we’re coming back to a nice clean home”
Older CHILD : Ugh! I know you’re right & I won’t stop you, but you’d better keep your promise!

NEXT: Ego States – basics (Part 2)

Our Wounded INNER CHILD (Part 2)

OW>OW<OW 

EVERYONE’S HURTING ME!
Ow, Ow, Ow!

PREVIOUS: OUR WIC (Part 1) Raising ourselves

POSTS: The Introject /  Negative Benefit

 

WHO IS this INNER CHILD ?
Our Adapted Child
(which everyone has) became our WIC by absorbing the Toxic Rules of our family, and is now determined to keep acting out the patterns we learned in our family & society (Repetition Compulsion), no matter how sick or self-destructive, by either being:

Compliers – who are the good obedient adult-children, (over-responsible / people-pleasing) who are desperately trying to earn the family’s love they never got, who suffer a variety of stress-related illnesses from suppressing their own needs & emotions  (ACoA website)

Rebellers – those who feel compelled to follow their terrible training, but hate it & desperately try to resist. They are oppositional (always say NO, even when they want to say YES) in a futile attempt at disobeying the Toxic Rules & having some personal boundaries. But they do it in such self-defeating & self-destructive ways that end up causing even more harm!

Wounded Inner Child’s (WIC) in charge
We never learned from our family INTERNALLY to be a Healthy Adult or Loving Parent (The UNIT) to ourselves – our role models being mainly other people’s PP and WIC! So when CoAs become adults, our Wounded Inner Child, in symbiotic slavery to the Bad inner Parents, is still the main persona running our life, in the form of the False Self.
It has kept us alive so far – but not well. Since it has no better inner guide to rely on, it is not going to let go just because we ask it to!

The WIC in charge:
• is stubbornly loyal to the family, even if it kills us
• has learned to trust no one, even people who seem OK
• doesn’t really know what it’s doing, because it’s always faking it
• is in endless terror, (consciously or not) accumulated from birth – on
• is wrapped in self-hate & shame, smothering the Natural Child
✶ AND – is secretly very proud of it’s ability to survive the odds, which gives it a strong determination to keep the reins of power!
These are some of the reasons that Recovery is so long & difficult.

This cannot be stressed enough: Without family-of-origin Recovery (FoO work), the WIC ego state still dominates our life* in all forms of T.E.A., with the deadly combination of S-H & fierce loyalty to the Negative Introject (PP), via Cognitive Distortions.
This is true even though, for many of us, our various defense mechanisms layered on top of the original damage – make it seem as if we’re managing ok.
But no matter how externally successful, competent, accomplished, talented we may be – if our thinking & emotional reactions are coming from an old place – we are still not psychologically healthy or free.

✶ So it’s inevitable that much of the time we’re immature in how we respond to people, places & things (PPT)!  Below are a few of the ways.
Keep in mind:
As long as we don’t have a fully functioning Loving Parent, plus a stronger Healthy Adult, the real voice in charge of us is the PP. The easy way of telling is by listening to the way we talk to ourselves. The WIC, even in Rebel mode, is carryiScreen Shot 2016-06-11 at 9.45.08 PMng out the demands of the PP. So even when we’re defiant or the times we’re being oppositional, we’re still hooked into the family dynamic.

Without a Healthy Adult in charge:
• we don’t handle our lives properly
• we let other people’s WIC or PP mistreat us
• the healthy Natural Child doesn’t get to develop
& shine
• we can’t be the best we were born to Screen Shot 2016-06-11 at 9.43.08 PMbe

Without a Loving Parent always available, the WIC:
• is at the mercy of our PP & the damage it causes us
• is run by its S-H & distorted thinking
• feels constantly scared & vulnerable
• is terribly lonely & desperate to be rescued

NEXT: Abandonment Pain, Now #1