self-help

ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 1)

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controling manipulatorPREVIOUS: Type of Answers

SITE: “Steve Jobs” – biography by Walter Isaacson  & Commentary by Dave Smith

See ACRONYMS for abbrev.


DEFs : Manipulation (M) is made up of a series of statement &/or actions, always indirectly trying to &/or succeeding in get one’s needs/wants met, in round-about ways

Normal – must be used sparingly, & only when there is no other legitimate option. When used for good, it can be used  to help others or a worthy cause, but even when well-intended, for M to be effective the focus always targets people’s weakness

Unhealthy  – Because M is never straightforward, it’s hard to spot, especially when used by an experiences & skilled perpetrator, for strictly selfish reasons (narcissistic).
The subtle control of M can easily be overlooked or denied – our awareness buried under obligation, love, guilt, fear of abuse, FoA & long-term exposure

Severe – A perpetrator / bully forcefully controls another person or group who feel or actually are powerless to resist to satisfying the manipulator’s ‘sick’ needs (child, battered spouse, sex slaves, gang members, war victims….)

PURPOSE – ACoAs, addicts & other wounded people use M. :
• to try getting needs/wants met by underhanded tactics, to extract from other PPT something they may or not want to give
• OR try to force PPT (person, group, environment) to provide something we need/want which they actually do not have to give
mental fitness pyramid• AND which in many cases we can provide for ourself, OR could find a more direct way of obtaining something we lack – from appropriate sources

Re. NEEDS 
Without deep FoO work we compulsively, slavishly insist on reinforcing unhealthy childhood patterns.
This insures that we stay deprived the same ways we were back then.
🔸 Normal needs
a: which EVERYONE has, & which we can’t get rid of because they’re fundamental to being human
b: specific to YOU, based on your native personality
PTSDEXP: need to be/live near water, or other outdoor nature // to be artistic/creative // to be orderly/organized….
c. AND to some degree your specific needs in response to repeated harmful childhood events & severe trauma
EXP: — need to live in one location for the rest of one’s life after moving 10-20 times as kid
— need to not be around crazy/angry people – at all, ever!
— need for a great deal of predictability, from early chaos, or neurodivergence (autism, ADD, dyspraxia….)

🔹 Unhealthy ‘needs’ / compulsive desires TO —
• always be one-up on others, to show off, to act superior
• always inappropriately be the center of attention
• grab & hang on to position, power, status…. at any cost to others or oneself
• hang on to negative thinking & actions, believing it’s ‘safe’  so we don’t have to face the pain underneathsqueeze my brain
TO
• keep chasing people who don’t want to connect with us, & always finding the one person in the group who will reject us
• keep trying to fix other people, especially those who don’t want to change/grow/improve- OR don’t need our help
• keep using addictions (sex, food, spending, internet, chemicals….) 
• please & be approved of by parents who can’t be pleased
• stay in unhappy, unsuitable or abusive relationships, jobs…. from fear of abandonment & disobeying Toxic Rules

MANIPULATION
General:  serving a hidden agenda, to coerce others into giving in. Perpetual manipulators present themself as strong & in control. Underneath – there is insecurity with a deep sense of powerlessness to get their needs met – directly, which they never admit to. They can’t connect to or keep healthy, loving relationships
influencevs Influence
In general, used on others to advance a goal, a mark of normal social interactions a way to Personally. used to function effectively in the world, by direct & honest communication, recognizing the integrity, boundaries & rights of others, including the right to not go along with someone’s attempted persuasion

B invadevs Boundaries (Bs)
Knowing our Rights & personal Needs so well that we can set Bs by telling others what’s acceptable & what’s not – for ourself. Like Influence, it’s also direct, but a way of getting our needs met without depending on other people’s help or co-operation. Comes from having permission to provide for oneself, & having access to choices

vs Personality Disorders (PDs)
In PDs, manipulation is a defensive style permeating a person’s every interaction, even tho’ they may hide their true intention, & act in ways that look ‘normal’, which in itself is a manipulation.

NEXT : Manipulating OURSELVES (Part 2a)

TYPES of ANSWERS

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answer types I’M MUCH LESS CONFUSED
when I know what kind of answers I’m hearing

PREVIOUS: Types of Qs (Part 1d)

QUOTES: “You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions” ~ Naguib Mahfouz, Egyptian writer

“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ~ George Carlin


3 WAYS to RESPOND
3 ways to answ.UGLY – not responding at all.
• ‘Legitimate’ only if protecting yourself or someone important to you, a legal matter or matter of national security.
• Uncomfortable – not responding when asked an impertinent, rude or sensitive Qs

BAD – forcing the person asking the Q to work hard to figure out what your answer actually is. It’s not getting to the point, making things too complicated, or leaving out vital info…. which leaves the listener confused, uncertain & frustrated – even if they finally figure out what the point was.

GOOD – making clear, declarative statements right away.
Especially in business settings, the most effective type of answer summarizes the bottom line succinctly first, and then gives supporting or background information if needed.

Response CATEGORIES
• Direct Info (“I won’t be able to go with you on Wednesday”)
• Yes (“Yes, I do need to know what time you’re leaving…”)
• No (“No, I don’t understand what you’re asking…”)
• Maybe/ I’m not sure (“I might not be able to finish that in time…”) .
TIP : if MAYBE, it’s good to continue with (“…but what I do know is…”)

PROCEDURE for Answering
• Ask for clarification if you don’t understand the Q posed to you
• Ask questioner if they understood your answer. Don’t be afraid to clarify or repeat your point
• Be positive,  say how you feel, or mention your skills & accomplishments
• Consider any Q an opportunity to provide information about yourself
• Pause a couple of seconds before responding, even if you know exactly what you want to say, to put your thoughts in order – to be clear & avoid misunderstandings

RESPONDING to :
💁🏽‍♀️ Qs of Fact or Procedure
Their purpose is to gather/share knowledge, & answers are a matter of rule, requiring evidence & reasoning. FACTS: rely on evidence & witness proof – of what, who, where.  PROCEDURE : governed by rules, steps, official guidelines   Either answers are in Right or Wrong form.
types of responses🤷🏽‍♂️ Qs of Judgment
They require you to weigh multiple factors, apply logic, & choose the most reasonable or ethical action based on a specific event or situation.  They can show how you use safety rules, & good sense to solve tough work problems. Or they can involve expressing moral or spiritual choices.
Because Qs of J tend to cause debate to identify best solution, answers must be based on evidence & reasoning from multiple viewpoints. There are no single correct answers, only Better & Worse ones
🙋 Qs of Preference
Answers indicate one’s likes, styles or options. so are subjective, since the purpose of these Qs is to elicit personal opinions & tastes & so have no single factual answer (Dr. L. Elder & Dr. R. Paul)

* * * * * * * *
MAIN TYPES of Answers
🔹 AVOIDING
Used when asked a ‘difficult’ or sensitive Q that would reflect badly on the responder or their ‘party’.  Tactics include answering a Q with a Q, drawing attention to some positive feature of the topic, or totally changing the subject… especially used by politicians

🔹 DIRECT & HONEST
This is what the questioner is looking for when asking a Q. Usually given in declarative sentences.  “Keep it simple —”

🔹 DISTORTING
Sdistorted answ.Different from lying, Answers change, twist or misrepresent facts – eliminating True Reality. Often based on the responder’s ‘understanding’ of social norms, stereotypes & bias, which leads to prejudice, or exaggerations that seem ‘normal’ or are successful. Can be from Cognitive Distortions = negative & irrational thought patterns 

🔹 LYING
Ultimately a form of protection, no matter how unnecessary, ‘unhealthy’ or harmful. A questioner / listener may be able to pick up on a lie – based on how plausible the answer is, but also on non-verbal communications used immediately before, during &/or after the answer being given.

🔹 OUT of CONTEXT
The respondent will say something totally unconnected or irrelevant to the Q, or try to change topics. An answer may seem ‘logical’ to them because first they’ve silently processed it in their head,  but only verbalize the end result.
So the answer won’t make sense to the questioner. However, if the issue is important enough – they have to bring the responder back to the original point – by repeating or rewording the Q.

🔹 PARTIAL – providing some correct or relevant info, without competing the whole ‘story’. Seen in partial-credit class, surveys to save partial data, or when information is limited. ALSO – when someone only wants to give incomplete info about themself or a sensitive topic.

scary Qs🔹 REFUSING – The person deliberately refuses to respond, either by remaining silent, declining a request “I won’t…”, invoking their legal right such as taking “the 5th”, or simply saying, ‘I’m not answering that’.

🔹 STALLING – Although similar to Avoiding, it’s deliberately  used when more time is needed to stay calm during a hard conversation or test, or figure out an acceptable or safe answer.  May stall by answering the Q with another Q.

NEXT: Manipulating (Part 1)

TYPES of Questions (Part 1c)

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5 simple Qs

ASKING Qs THE RIGHT WAY
is a way of respecting someone

PREVIOUS: Types of Qs (Part 1b)

SITE: “Mutual Inquiry: 8 Steps to Deepen & Shift Thinking”

QUOTE: “Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”  ― Shannon L. Alder


TYPES of Questions – Subsidiary (cont) …. Informational // Inventive // Irrelevant  // Irreverent

LEADING
🔎 Qs that are phrased in such a way that sets a person up to answer the way the questioner wants – to agree with their point of view or point the listener in a certain direction. It’s not always done deliberately but is an easy trap to fall into.  EXP: “How much do you think this investment will grow?” indirectly implies that it will grow, but the issue is only by how much. If the responder doesn’t catch the logic error, they’ll likely give a biased answer.leading Qs

OPEN-ended
🔎 Qs that allow for much longer responses (than Closed ones), so are potentially more creative & informative, encouraging responders to be in control of how much they say. They’re not ‘Why’ Qs, but rather ‘What or How’. These deal with unresolved issues that have not been finally determined, so ask the responder to reflect, give opinions & feelings. (“What are your personal strengths & weaknesses?”) (MORE…..)

ORGANIZING
🔎 Qs that group info into categories, forming logical structures. They find patterns & relationships among & between collected fragments of info to create meaning & understanding. Whenever new valuable info surfaces, it can be added correctly to the structure already in place. (“How can I make sense of all my confusing thoughts? // what categories do they fit into?”)

questionnaireQUESTIONNAIRE
🔎 Qs in list form, for research or survey designed to gather specific info. They have 4 basic purposes: (1)  to collect appropriate data
(2) make data compare-able & suitable for analysis (3) minimize bias in formulating & asking other Qs (4) make Qs engaging & varied (“Please fill out this Questionnaire about your dining experience”)

PLANNING
🔎 Qs that depend on a specific focus, covering a core baseline evaluation. They require thinking about how to structure the search for info, where to look for it & what resources will be needed, such as time, location, people…. It’s standing back & looking at the big picture before starting out, but also can provide a way to look ahead to identify possible obstacles & consequences (“ Who ha written the best book on this subject? // What clothes will I need for this trip? // MORE….)

PROVOCATIVE
🔎 Qs that are meant to challenge, push or throw conventional wisdom off-balance. They give free rein to doubt, disbelief & skepticism, often used in satire, parody or as an expose. These Qs are not always welcomed, they’re like the court jester whispering unpleasant truths in the king’s ear. The fool could often get away with Qs never allowed a legitimate member of the council, but he might also lose his head if the monarch took offense. (“Where’s the beef? // What’s you point?”)

probing QsPROBING
🔎 Qs that look below the surface to the heart of the matter, so that every answer leads to another one. Continually searching for more insight, the best results come from joining 3-4 relevant elements of a subject, to get something far more pointed & powerful (“Why did you want to go to the Middle East at that time”? // MORE….)

They’re best used when dealing with someone who is being evasive, or when trying to understand a deep issue. They’re usually CLOSED, looking for clarity about what someone’s saying, or good for getting to the root cause of a problem – by drilling down fast. Probing the cause of a problem may require going down several layers. Asking “WHY” after each answer – 5x – can be very revealing. Most people don’t consciously know they have deeper & deeper ‘reasons’ until asked.

NEXT: TYPES of Qs #1d

TYPES of Questions (Part 1b)

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Qs re MEI WANT TO FIND OUT
all I can about myself!!

PREVIOUS: Types of Qs (Part 1a)

SITE: The Incredible Power Of The Right Qs

 

TYPES of Questions – Subsidiary (Qs)
ESSENTIAL // SUBSIDIARY == Closed, Convergent, Divergent

ELABORATING
🔎 Qs that extend & stretch the meaning of info being gathered. They take straightforward (obvious) facts & see where they lead, searching below the surface to find implications in the original content (explicit –> implicit). (Reading between the lines, “what does this text really mean?”)

EVALUATIVE
🔎 Qs that determine the importance, effectiveness, or worth of something or someone. Answers usually require sophisticated levels of thinking & feeling, wasting the responder (person asked) to make evaluations & judgements based on analyzing info – at multiple levels & from different perspectives. (“What kind of a teacher was Mr Smith?”)factual Qs

FACTUAL
🔎 Qs that ask for reasonably simple, straight forward responses based on obvious facts or awareness. Usually aimed at the most basic level of thinking or feeling (“Did you go to a City College or an Ivy League School”?)

FUNNELING
🔎 Qs that channel the respondent’s answers with a series of Qs that get narrower at each step, starting with Open Qs, & ending with Closed ones, or vice-versa:
a. From SPECIFIC to BROAD (Deductive)specifics first
Starts by asking a person to remember as many specifics of a situation as possible, & then work toward more general observations (“You saw that hit-&-run accident. What can you tell me about the man & his car?”)

b. From BROAD to SPECIFIC (Inductive)general info first
Here the responder is asked for an overview of a situation, & then using the big picture, try to remember as many specific details as they can (“If everyone has the ability to learn, then why do you think you can’t?”)

HYPOTHETICAL
🔎 Qs designed to explore possibilities & test relationships. They usually project a theory or an option out into the future, wondering what might happen IF… Especially helpful when trying to decide between a number of choices, trying to solve a problem, or deciding IF hunches, suppositions or hypotheses that have any merit (“What do you think would happen of you let yourself be successful?”)

INFORMATIONAL
🔎 Qs that ‘power’ all learning, designed to gather facts, searching for info needed in a specific context, re. some aspect, concept, issue, or problem.  (“How many inches in a mile?”)
EXP : categories to focus = Day-to-Day Tasks, Career Paths, Industry Trend

INVENTIVEinventive Qs
🔎 Qs that turn findings inside out, upside down – shattering routine thinking, open up deep conversation, or fresh paths to problem solving. They adjust, alter, distort, modify & rearrange bits & pieces of info – until they produce a Eureka moment – the discovery of something brand new (“If I combine these 5 yarns, I wonder if it would make a beautiful sweater?”)

IRRELEVANT
🔎 Qs that are off-topic inquiries that don’t connect to the current discussion –  made to distract, sidetrack or divert from the task or conversation at hand. This may be a tactic to keep others off-balance, get away from a sensitive topic or protect the speaker from being caught out.They can distract from goals, create awkward moments, or test how people handle unexpected situations (“So, what were you saying about your relationship?”)
✔️However, this type of Q can also be beneficial, since the creating new knowledge almost always requires some wandering off course.
“The search for Truth requires the courage to venture out & away from the familiar & the known ….” From Moby Dick (”How can we understand the unconscious”?)

IRREVERENT
🔎 Qs that explore ideas or facts generally considered off-limits or over-the-top. maybe weird & slightly unhinged – to break the ice, defy polite convention & force people to rethink beliefs. They challenge far more than conventional wisdom, holding no respect for authority, institutions or myths, leaping over, under or through walls, rules & regulations. They are considered disrespectful, or at the very least impolite, but are often used in comedy routines (“Why is the Emperor not wearing any clothes?”)

NEXT: Types of Qs – Part 1c

TYPES of Questions (Part 1a)

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Types of Qs

 

 

I NEVER KNEW HOW MANY WAYS
there were of asking questions

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Questions (Part 4)

CHART ⬆️  based on material from http://www.edutopia.org

QUOTES: 36 Quotes from Successful People re. the Wisdom of Asking


TYPES of Questions (Qs) – mainly from the “Q Tool Kit”
Each category gives us a wider framework & clarity for the process of finding out things.
Asking is essentially about being curious. It’s the only way of accessing knowledge directly from other people, so asking the right ones, in the right way, is crucial. When approached correctly, Qs can motivate & inspire people, generate new ideas & change the perception of a problem or situation.

ACoAs rightly say we don’t know what to ask, what word to use….. No matter what the circumstance – where it’s trying to find out something from a loved one, dealing with a work issue, questions a religious doctrine or trying to unravel what our politicians are saying – it’s helpful to know what we’re trying to accomplish.. It’s also important to know which kinds of Qs may potentially get us the answers we’re looking for – and which kinds won’t!

While the following list is primarily focused on research in academic settings, it offers a variety of approaches when we’re trying to find answers or solve a dilemma in our daily life. Many of these Q types are part of the skill of a good psychotherapist.

ESSENTIALpersonal needs
These are Qs at the center of info gathering. They’re at the heart of the search for truth, probing the deepest issues confronting us, those complex & baffling matters which elude simple answers (the meaning of Birth, Death, Love, Relationships…..).  All other Qs, when used appropriately, enhance & illuminate the learning process. (EXP: “What does it mean to be a good friend? // MORE….)

SUBSIDIARY
🔎 Qs which combine to help build answers to the Essential Qs – which naturally spawn families of smaller ones – leading to insight. The more skillful we are at formulating & then categorizing these Qs, the more successful we’ll be at building new knowledge.

All of the following categories are Subsidiary types

CLARIFICATION
🔎 Qs designed to make sense of confusing or complex info. They can define words & concepts, examine the logic & continuity of a topic, & determine if an underlying assumption is valid. (“What did you mean when you said you were tired of trying?” // More….)

CLOSED
🔎 Qs that only require YES or NO answers, which can be a conversation stopper – but not necessarily. (“Are you cold?”). They can be Qs that one has to choose from a list of possible options, to identify a piece of info, to help with a new dialogue, to encourage participation, or when fact-finding.
Since answers can be True or False, context is important. “Why” Qs are good for soliciting info, but can make people defensive, so they have to be worded carefully (“Do you want to eat right now?”, as opposed to “Why are you always hungry?”)

CONVERGENT
🔎 Qs ask for standard information, such as on multiple-choice tests for intelligence. They usually start with ‘What, Where, When’ & lead to expected results. Answers that are looked for don’t require a great deal of creativity. But they emphasize speed, accuracy & logic, focusing on recognizing the familiar, re-applying techniques & accumulating stored information (“What is the second largest country in the world: A– / B–/ C– or D–? // What’s in that container?”)diverge vs converge

DIVERGENT
🔎 Also called ‘lateral thinking’, these are Qs that are used in the process of creating multiple, unique ideas or solutions related to a problem one is trying to solve. They Qs use existing knowledge as a base from which to explore territory ‘next to’ to something already known or understood, & perhaps help to avoid other people’s mistakes (“What other options do we have for saving money this month?” // How might life in the year 2100 differ from today?”)

NEXT: Types of Qs – Part 1b

ACoAs & ASKING QUESTIONS (Part 3)

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5 easy questions I’M LEARNING THAT
I have lots of options

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Asking Qs (#2)

SITE: “The Value of Questions” monograph by Professor B.F. Plybon

• Importance of Asking Questions – Steve Jobs

 

HEALTHY:
ASKING Qs. FROM the ADULT
On the other hand, asking Qs from the Adult Ego State (ES) means we’re fully IN present reality, interacting with the person or situation in front of us, not to someone from our past.
The Adult ES knows:
• other people are not a carbon copy of us
• we have options we didn’t have as a child
• that not everyone is as emotionally or physically dangerous as our family
• that everyone has their own personality & experience – separate & usually difference from our own
• that other adults are not responsible for taking care of us, nor are they responsible for healing our wounds – ie. not replacement parents

PURPOSE of ASKING
differencesAppropriate, clear Qs is a legitimate, normal part of good communication skills. Children ask a lot of Qs, mainly about facts, to find out about the world around them. But they also don’t have to ask for emotional needs because healthy parents know & provide those. Ours didn’t, so we don’t know we can to ask for them now.

Legitimate, healthy Qs may be a way TO:
• connect with a person you’ve been thrown together with for a short time. It cuts down on loneliness, makes you part of the larger world, you can learn something new & interesting, & you may even get unexpected help.
EXP : Sitting next to a person on a bus, or standing in line :  “How has your day been so far? “/// “That’s a great bag, Did you get that on vacation?”
TO
• find out about the other person – who they really are, instead of what we’re projecting on to them from our past, or what we want them to be
• find out HOW someone thinks / feels about a current situation
• to find out what someone has already done, or what they already know about a need, a situation or experience
• get clarity if you don’t understand something
TO
• go deeper (How do feel about that”) — OR —
• keep things LIGHT!! (“How was your vacation?”)
• respond to what they’re saying, not what we are thinking or feeling
• use the Socratic method, to help someone draw on their inner knowledge, to think thru a problem by figuring out who they are or what’s right for them….

EFFECTIVE Questioning
Re. info – there is no such thing as a stupid question – except if you aren’t interested in the answer. However, not all Qs are created equal. Different situations call for different types. Along with learning how to use Qs, effective questioning is also the ability to listen to the answer, & suspend judgment. Letting go of our preconceived needs & opinions make it possible to get the most info possible in a situation.

This requires being intent on understanding what the other person is really saying when they talk about something. What’s behind their words?
No matter how smart or experiences we may be, much of the time we’ll never guess what a person will say if we just ask “What do you mean?”

The following sets of Qs can help improve communication & understanding of anyone we want to stay connected to, whether family, friends or in business. Modify the Qs according to the situation.
1. What do you think / feel?
This Q stops the questioner from talking too much.
2. Why do you think / feel that?
Once the person shares what they think or feel, this follow-up encourages them to provide the reasoning behind their thinking/ feeling. It’s ok if it’s not “deep”. It’s still info. I wonder
3. What leads you to believe this? (How do you know this?) This Q encourages the responder to make connections between their ideas / feelings & things they’ve experienced, read & seen.
4. Can you tell me more?
Most people always have more to say, but need encouragement to ‘spill’. This Q can extend their thinking & share added evidence for their ideas
NOTE : sometimes just being quiet allows them to say more.  However,  – this works best with Extroverts. With Introverts, we do have to ask – if we’re genuinely interested
5. Do you have any questions for me?
Use a friendly tone with ALL Qs, so the person doesn’t feel attacked or pressured to give the ‘right’ answer.  (Edutopia.org)

NEXT: ACoAs & Qs #4

ACoAs & ASKING QUESTIONS (Part 2)

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defending selfPREVIOUS: ACoAs & Qs #1

 


AS ADULTS (cont.)

NOTE: One of many effects of not having direct guidance, not being taught skills or appropriate socialization is a very deep belief that anything we figured out for ourself was at best wrong, at worst absolutely worthless.

An antidote to this is to have at least one person who is knowledgeable in our area of activity & who we respect – to review what we’ve accomplished or created on our own. They can validate its accuracy, skill level & value.mentoring

If that ‘mentor’ is fair & respectful, they can let us know the positive truth about our action or accomplishment. If the ‘verdict’ is less than stellar, we can look for ways to improve. If positive, the WIC part of us will be satisfied, & we can continue to flourish in whatever medium we’re best at.

BROAD categories of Questions (Qs)
a. Negative: to attack, to challenge, to embarrass, to stir things up
b. Positive: to connect, to encourage, get info, make you think, to teach

2 Inappropriate forms
From Narcissism 
• Questions that are controlling (“Why don’t you do it THIS way?”)
• Qs from the WIC, in the victim position, if you’re asking for info about things we DO know, as a way of feeling taken care of (How do I….?)

• Qs coming from the assumption that others are like us
— PP: “Why would you even consider that?” (that’s not the way Would….) OR
— WIC: “Don’t you think this color is the most?” (If I do, you must too)
symbiotic• Asking (insisting) others go with you or do something that only you like, or even that you know they dislike (so you won’t be alone)

• Qs that are rude &/or insensitive, because we don’t think about other people’s feelings – just impulsively ask whatever comes to mind without considering the consequences. This is a copy of our parents, who never acknowledged our emotions, so we act the same way
EXP: At a church dinner, teenage Jane notices that Sarah (in her 30s) is not wearing her engagement ring. Across the table, in a rather loud voice she asks about it (“Where your ring?”) but Sarah doesn’t answer, so Jane asks again – twice more before giving up. She doesn’t get the hint that her Q is not well received, although it’s obvious to everyone else.
Some others at the table know that Sarah’s engagement has been called off, so the Q is painful. Jane hasn’t gotten the 411 yet, but that’s not the point. Her Q is insensitive & intrusive – especially in such a public way – being in total immature mode, oblivious to another person’s reaction (silence) , especially after the initial rebuff.

With Anger
These are Qs with an attitude, which put people off. Ironically, it’s always because the Abandonment angry QWound got bumped. We feel disconnected, which scares the WIC, making him/her angry. If we lash out we create more distance, which is the opposite of what we want.

Anger Qs can come:
• in the form of accusing, blaming, shaming (“Who took my pen?”)
• as an attack on an authority figure (“Why don’t you do something about this problem?”)
• as challenging someone’s belief system (“How can you believe in that mythology – the Bible”?)
• showing someone up, insulting them  (“You didn’t know that?”)

UNHEALTHY: ASKING Qs from the WIC – in the present
• asking for what you need from the wrong person or venue, specially when you already know they’re not able or willing (like going to an unavailable parent for comfort // trying to get emotional support in a school or business setting…..)
• not using “I” statements, when trying to get info. EXP: “Why can’t you be more attentive?”, instead of: “I’d like you to pay attention when I’m talking. Would you be willing to do that?”
• talking from emotions : “I feel like I can’t trust her”, instead of : “ I know I can’t trust him”. The former implies you have a feeling about  her /him, but don’t trust your perceptions – even tho’ you do actually know that person is not trustworthy – from experience
• talking around an important subject, rather than asking a direct Q
• whining, begging, bugging, not taking ‘no’ for an answer

NEXT: ACoAs & Qs Part 3

ACoAs & ASKING QUESTIONS (Part 1)

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asking QsIT NEVER DAWNS ON ME
to ask about the other person

PREVIOUS: Reverse Laundry List & Healthy version

PROBLEM
Another indicator of ACoA damage is the fear of asking questions or worse – not even realizing it’s necessary, appropriate, even imperative.
At the core of this issue is the unconscious but ingrained perspective that we should not hold other people responsible for their words & actions. As emotionally immature adults, we are still going on the assumption that everything is our fault (narcissistic S-H), & therefore it’s all up to us to correct misunderstandings & fix whatever is causing us pain (narcissistic grandiosity).

In CHILDHOOD
Most ACoAs stopped asking Qs because of the messages & reactions we got from our dysfunctional family, as well as from outside sources such as school & religious institutions. “Children should be seen & not heard”. They :
• didn’t want their authority questioned
• didn’t want their bad behavior pointed out or abuse objected to
• didn’t want their hypocrisy & neglect uncovered
not allowed to ask• didn’t know the answer…
AND they —
• couldn’t be bothered to listen or explain things
• didn’t have the patience to show us what they did know how to do
• made it sound like we’re dumb for not knowing things they knew
• told us we were disrespectful for questioning their authority
• punished us with a smack or with guilt – for wanting to know what’s going on around us
• made fun of us for exploring & being curious ……

NOTE: Curious & clever children may seem to be ‘challenging’ the adults “WHY … WHY…” But if we got a bad reaction from them (“you’re arrogant, you’re being difficult, you’re disrespectful”) it was almost always because the person did NOT know the information & was ashamed to admit it

No matter what Toxic family Role were fell in to as kids (Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot), ultimately we were on our own, because our wounded parents we unable to connect with us in healthy loving ways. We got the message that we were a burden to them – or worse – hated (“You’ll be the death of me yet!”). We understood that if we were to figure things out it would have to be from other sources, like school & our peers, but mainly by just watching other people & events. Quietly, secretly observing the world around us helped, but it didn’t encourage asking questions.

being muteAs ADULTS
Our early trauma, distorted mirroring & lack of good role models has left holes in our ability to think of what to say. This is because of missing information, rather than stupidity. It literally means not having the vocabulary for legitimate questioning – what words to use, what point of view we need to come from, or what to expect if we do ask.
BUT this can be learned from books such as “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense”, & from others who already know how.

Many of us believe that any form of Qs is impertinent, boundary invasive, & just plain rude – which is not true when Qs come from our Adult ES. (ego state).
And when someone says or does something unkind, inappropriate, narcissistic or flat-out mean – we justify, over-explain, excuse ourself        (Sorry, Sorry), instead of lobbing the ball back at the other person by saying something like:“What did you mean? // Why did you say it that way? // Is that what you would do / want?… (See “Useful & Clever Responses”).

ACoAs were not allowed to defend, protect or stand up for ourself, didn’t have the right to object to abuse, & never to know what our true needs are. So we continue to live in a quasi-world of not really belonging, not having rights, not being heard, not having access to our personal power, & most of all – never truly feeling safe.
Others of us will bite back when we feel neglected, dismissed or accused, a version of the PP &/or WIC trying to protect ourself, but this is simply ineffective & can serve to escalate a bad situation.

NEXT: ACoAs & Asking Qs – Part 2

REVERSE Laundry List & Healthy Version

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

drunk narcissists I HATE KNOWING
how much I’ve copied them!

PREVIOUS:

 Original LL

SITE: ACoAs – Qualities & Traits

REVIEW: “Variation of ACoA Laundry List” post

NOTE: Reprinted from the ACoA World Service Org.

REVERSE Laundry List – acting out the Introject (the PP)
1. To cover our fear of people and our dread of isolation we tragically become the very authority figures who frighten others and cause them to withdraw
2. To avoid becoming enmeshed and entangled with other people and losing ourselves in the process, we become rigidly self-sufficient. We disdain the approval of others
3. We frighten people with our anger and threat of belittling criticism
4. We dominate others and abandon them before they can abandon us or we avoid relationships with dependent people altogether. To avoid being hurt, we isolate and dissociate and thereby abandon ourselves

5. We live life from the standpoint of a victimizer, and are attracted to people we can bad attitudemanipulate and control in our important relationships
6. We are irresponsible and self-centered. Our inflated sense of self-worth and self-importance prevents us from seeing our deficiencies and shortcomings
7. We make others feel guilty when they attempt to assert themselves
8. We inhibit our fear by staying deadened and numb
9. We hate people who “play” the victim and beg to be rescued
10. We deny that we’ve been hurt and are suppressing our emotions by the dramatic expression of “pseudo” feelings

11. To protect ourselves from self punishment for failing to “save” the family we project our self-hate onto others and punish them instead
12. We “manage” the massive amount of deprivation we feel, coming from abandonment within the home, by quickly letting go of relationships that threaten our “independence” (never get too close)
13. We refuse to admit we’ve been affected by family dysfunction or that there was dysfunction in the home or that we have internalized any of the family’s destructive attitudes and behaviors
14. We act as if we are nothing like the dependent people who raised us.

OPPOSITE of Reverse Laundry List
1. We face and resolve our fear of people and our dread of isolation and stop intimidating others with our power and position
2. We realize the sanctuary we have built to protect the frightened and injured child within has become a prison, and we become willing to risk moving out of isolation
3. With our renewed sense of self-worth and self-esteem we realize it is no longer necessary to protect ourselves by intimidating others with contempt, ridicule and anger
4. We accept and comfort the isolated and hurt inner child we have abandoned and disavowed, and thereby end the need to act out our fears of enmeshment and abandonment with other people

5. Because we are whole and complete we no longer try to control others through manipulation and force, and bind them to us with fear in order to avoid feeling isolated and alone
healing heart6. Through our in-depth inventory we discover our true identity as capable, worthwhile people. By asking to have our shortcomings removed we are freed from the burden of inferiority and grandiosity

9. We have compassion for anyone who is trapped in the “drama triangle” and is desperately searching for a way out of insanity.
10. We accept we were traumatized in childhood and lost the ability to feel. Using the 12 Steps as a program of recovery we regain the ability to feel and remember and become whole human beings who are happy, joyous and free.
11. In accepting we were powerless as children to “save” our family we are able to release our self-hate and to stop punishing ourselves and others for not being enough.
12. By accepting and reuniting with the inner child we are no longer threatened by intimacy, by the fear of being engulfed or made invisible.
13. By acknowledging the reality of family dysfunction we no longer have to act as if nothing were wrong or keep denying that we are still unconsciously reacting to childhood harm and injury.
14. We stop denying and do something about our post-traumatic dependency on substances, people, places and things to distort and avoid reality.

NEXT: Asking Questions (#1)

ORIGINAL Laundry List + Healthy Version

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, self-help

bad family IT’S GOOD TO HAVE CLARITY
about the source of our damage

PREVIOUS:
 Multiple Learning Styles, #6

SITE:  Psychological Characteristics of ACoAs – article

NOTE: Part 1 & 2 Reprinted from the ACoA World Service Org.
— The Laundry List serves as the basis for ‘The Problem’ statement – the intro read at every ACA meeting

BASIC LAUNDRY LIST – acting out the Wounded Child
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships

6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults,….broken heart
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others
8. We became addicted to excitement
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue”
10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial)

11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us
13. Alcoholism is a family disease. We became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Tony A., 1978

OPPOSITE of the LAUNDRY LIST – healthy version
1. We move out of isolation and are not unrealistically afraid of other people, even authority figures
2. We do not depend on others to tell us who we are
3. We are not automatically frightened by angry people and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat
4. We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment
5. We stop living life from the standpoint of victims and are not attracted by this trait in our important relationships

6. We do not use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings
7. We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselvesrepaied heart
8. We avoid emotional intoxication and choose workable relationships instead of constant upset
9. We are able to distinguish love from pity, and do not think “rescuing” people we “pity” is an act of love
10. We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions
11. We stop judging and condemning ourselves and discover a sense of self-worth
12. We grow in independence and are no longer terrified of abandonment. We have interdependent relationships with healthy people, not dependent relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable
13. The characteristics of alcoholism and para-alcoholism we have internalized are identified, acknowledged, and removed
14.We are actors, not reactors.

NEXT: REVERSE L.L. (Part 2)