PREVIOUS: KFY (Part 1)

POST:  “Healthy Helping”

 

1. KFY is NOT a justification for our narcissism! (cont.)  Review Part 1

2. “Keep the Focus on Yourself” (KFY) may mean FACING the pain that YOU:
• had a traumatic childhood you’re afraid to admit & deal with
• know it’s time to let go of some illusions, but are still hoping
• don’t like yourself very much, altho you’re ‘supposed to’
• feel like your life is way out of control, but don’t know how to fix it
THAT You
• want to take risks, but sure you’ll make mistakes or be rejected
• think your friends only like you because you do so much for them
• hate your job, but afraid to change, holding on until retirement
THAT you :
• hate salads, even though you eat one every day for lunch
• want a divorce, but are afraid to leave & be alone
• want to change but don’t know how.
or THAT your life is a mess.

It could also mean YOU’RE:
• depressed, & have been for decades
• exhausted from anxiety, even though it doesn’t seem you’ve done much today
• ‘supposed’ to love parent/ mate/ child/ friend…. but don’t (or not anymore)
• terrified of commitment, but also terribly lonely
• not getting any younger, & have so many regrets……
Adapted from Karen R Koenig

“Keep the Focus on Yourself” requires positive Self-honesty :
It’s about always looking for & admitting OUR motives & emotions that propel our thoughts & actions! (without shame, guilt or S-H).
Motivations may come from the WIC, Bad Parent – OR – UNIT.
So they’re not always negative. We can legitimately have ok drives, (not co-dependent), which must include our own needs & values

WAYS to KFY
a. Mind your own business
KFY is mainly about staying out of other people’s lives (fixing, Rescuing other adults) – no matter how dysfunctional they may be, how much we think we can help them, AND no matter how much we love them.
In almost all cases, they’ve had many opportunities to get the help we think they need, but ignored or blatantly rejected every one. Stay on your side of the fence.
EXP – Unhealthy: A mother is ‘hele-hovering’ over her daughters’ actions & feelings because she feels guilty for the girl’s problems (not mainly from loving her & wanting her best)

b. Be your own Motivator
Make decisions, choices & take actions based on who you are – your needs.
ACoAs, Co-Deps & addicts use other people, substances or circumstances to give us a reason to function – or an excuse to withdraw from life. We work, go, help, risk…. only long as it’s for someone / thing outside of ourself.

However, we DO have many of the skills needed to run our own life! We must use them to take care of ourself first, before thinking of others.
EXP – Healthy: “I took that difficult course to learn more about my career & improve my performance” (not to please my boss or make myself look good)

c. Be Responsible for yourself
Identify our Toxic Beliefs, & work on correcting them, so we can be in charge of ourself & our actions in the world. We don’t have the right to expect anyone else to do it for us – our whole life can pass by waiting for that.

Even if we find someone who would rescue us, it always comes with a high price – being controlled, kept us immature, prevented from healing & expressing our potential.
EXP – 1/2 for me & 1/2 for another : “I wanted that bigger car because it makes me feel important” (not just because my wife liked it).

d. Listen To Your Gut
Trust the True-Self Inner Voice. There’s a difference between information provided by our Core self, vs. being jerked around by our PP or WIC’s emotions & obsessions, steeped in anxiety from obeying the Toxic Rules while also trying to resist them

The True Voice is that still small feeling in the center of our body that won’t go away – telling us when somethings right or wrong for us. Trust that  “I know what I know”. Once we get quiet inside (less anxiety) we can hear it. We’ll be surprised how accurate it can turn out to be
EXP – Healthy : “I stopped being friends with that woman because I kept getting that ‘ICK’ feeling in my gut whenever we talked” (even though it seemed  that we had a lot in common).

NEXT: KFY #3