PREVIOUS: KFY (# 2)
• Keep The Focus On Yourself
• “13 ways to….”
WAYS to KFY (cont.)
c. Be Responsible for yourself
d. Listen To Your Gut
e. Stay in the Present
KFY means, as adult, we need to respond to current people & situations based on present reality, instead of –
• projecting fears & fantasy hopes into the future, or
• reacting from past trauma, blaming bosses, spouses, adult-children, the weather, the traffic…. for all our troubles
🤓However, it is also imperative we use every bit of life info we’ve accumulated to evaluate who or what we’re dealing with – safe vs. unsafe – so we don’t get sucked into other people’s damage
The ‘focus’ means TO :
• acknowledge limiting or harmful characteristics of PPT we’re already familiar with (family members, mate, job, living situation….), & use our Adult ego state to correctly evaluate new encounters
• recognize all positive ways a person/ situation is truly different from those who hurt us in the past. What beneficial qualities are we overlooking?
Healthy EXP: “I felt hurt & angry when you didn’t come to my party, but I know now it was only because your boss needed you to work late”(not because you don’t like me any more)
• The only way to KFY is to know what IS. That means continually bringing the WIC into the present, so we don’t keep repeating the same mistakes, AND so we can choose safer people to enjoy our life with. USE: Book-ending
PS: Staying in the present does NOT mean ignoring the past or future – only that we should deal with others based on who they are & what they are actually doing – right now, instead of letting the WIC react from our past.
Neuroscientific research shows that “living in the moment” is not literally possible, because that would cut out everything we’ve learned that we need to protect ourselves. Access to accurate memories of past decisions can guide future behavior. (MORE…..)
f. Do what’s right for you
Make your choices based on what’s right for our Inner Soul, whether business or personal. AND don’t hang out with PPT that retard Recovery or harm our True Self. Having a good relationship with ourself allows us to be kinder & more appropriate with others.
• If we have trouble doing ‘work’ things, we need to focus on that, to be ‘self-supporting by our own contributions’ (from DA)
• If we spend most of our time working & taking care of others (legitimately), we need to take time off to do fun & relaxing things
Healthy EXP: “I chose to stop celebrating holidays because it was too stressful & unrewarding. Now I feel peaceful” (not because I’m trying to save money or punish the family)
g. When In Doubt, ASK
Crucial to KFY. Finding out who others truly are – not based on co-dep – lets us clarify that we are indeed separate individuals, not symbiotic clones! Human beings are not supposed to know everything & we’re not supposed to be mind-readers. The only time we legitimately need a mind-reader (mom) is when we’re very young & require someone to know what we feel & need!
• It’s not just about lack of info that you could find in a book or a blog. There’s no shame in asking – it shows an open mind, a willingness to learn & improve
• It’s also about finding out what other people are actually like – inside. Ask, ask, ask! “What do you mean? Why did you say that? Are you willing to —-?, Is that all right with you….?”
You may not get the answer you like or expected – or any answer. But many times you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Others may tell us something about how they think, feel or have experienced that we couldn’t have guessed, no matter how smart we are
Healthy EXP: “When I gave that teacher my card he made a disparaging comment about my profession – which I assumed was aimed at me. SO I asked what he meant & he said he’d recently had a bad experience with someone, & my card reminded him.”
(This had nothing to do with me. If I hadn’t asked I would have taken it personally & gone away hurt & angry)
NEXT: Enneagram Basics #1