PREVIOUS : Self-Reg – Emotional DYSREG .

⬅️ Travis George
23 yr old Welsh singer

NOTE : Self-Regulation Posts CONTINUE NEXT.

The SONG “THIS IS ME” is from The Greatest Showman, in the 2017 movie about P.T. Barnum who started his traveling circus show featuring unusual animals & ‘odd’ people, in 1870. Performed by Keala Settle, as Lettie Lutz, a bearded lady.

This song is about strength in the face of criticism. The singer confirms her individuality & self-acceptance. One of the most moving non-movie versions is by Travis George, a 2023 semi-finalist on BGT.

❇️ This song could be used as an anthem for all ACoAs!
We can reinterpret some words to apply to our life.

❣️”THEY” – can be our drunk, crazy, narcissistic family. Also abusive schoolmates, partners, bosses….

❣️”SCARS” & “BRUISED” – are the marks on one’s skin from beatings, accidents or self-injury. But it can also mean internal marks received from emotional abuse. Another possibility is anyone bullied for marching through life to the beat of a “different drummer”

❣️”BROKEN PARTS” – ACoAs : Wounded Child, healthy Child, negative Introject, healthy Adult & missing LOVING Inner parent. To form a whole inner family, some have to be ‘revised’ & others need much attention & healing.  Remember : We are ‘Damaged not defective’.

❣️”NO ONE WILL LOVE US” – is all the awful, painful reality that we were neglected, abused & abandoned by the very people who should have cherished & cared for us

❣️”US” – can be all of us Children of addicts & narcissists who identify as wounded but not defeated – working separately & in groups to heal & grow

❣️”ASHAMED” – is of course our own Self-Hate, as well as having absorbed constant shaming from family members & peers. One mother often said to her young daughter “Look ashamed !” even when the child wasn’t doing anything wrong

❣️”HIDE AWAY” – many ACoAs isolate as a way of trying to protect themself from being mistreated by the world the way we were by our parents. It can also look OK on the outside but hide internally by shutting down emotionally,  being dissociated, living in our head, disconnected from our body

❣️”A PLACE FOR US”- be part of Recovery & spiritual healing groups. But broader than that – a place in the world for our talents & for our empathy toward others like ourselves

❣️’GLORIOUS”- validating the True Self – our natural gifts, intelligence, fierce determination to overcome obstacles, creativity…..we were born with.

LYRICS
… I am not a stranger to the dark
“Hide away, ” they say
“‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts”
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
“Run away, ” they say
“No one’ll love you as you are”

… But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

… When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
I am brave, I am bruised  
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh… Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)

… I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

… When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh…. This is me

… and I know that I deserve your love
There’s nothing I’m not worthy of
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
This is brave, this is bruised
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me

… Look out ’cause here I come 
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum 
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

… Whenever the words wanna cut me down
I’ll send a flood to drown ’em out 
I’m gonna send a flood 
Gonna drown them ’em out 
Oh, Oh…. This is me

♦️ As recovering adults we can teach our WIC (wounded Inner Child) to take courage, & triumph over all the old hurts.

NEXT : Self-Regulation -BIOLOGICAL Domain

PREVIOUS :
Self-Reg & E-I QUOTIENT

SITEs :
▶︎ “50 tips for improving your emotional intelligence”
◀︎ “The Rise of Emotional Intelligence: Why EQ is Essential for Modern Leadership”

EQ  = Emotional Intelligence QUOTIENT

High EQ Leaders, Communicators, Healers = THEY :
♦️ Self-regulate
Their EQ skills benefit them in both business & social situations, allowing them to stay calm, keep a clear head & focus on the issues at hand. They rarely get overly emotional – without temper tantrums or hysterical outbursts, & don’t make impulsive, careless decisions. They can manage delaying gratification, accepting that waiting for what they want may bring better results.

♦️ Want to be a good, moral person
“Moral identity,” is an aspect of EQ, wanting to see oneself as ethical & caring. They work at building up this aspect of themself (regardless of how they’ve acted in past moral situations)

♦️ Love changes
They are emotionally flexible & constantly adapting, since they know that fear of change is paralyzing, a major threat to happiness & success. They look for positive changes lurking just around the corner, & form a plan of action when those do show up.

THEY ARE :
♦️ Curious 
A deep sense of wonder & curiosity makes them delightful to be around. They don’t judge, but explore possibilities with an open mind, asking questions & are available to new solutions.

♦️ Empathic
They’re able to understand other people’s points of view, even without a lot of firsthand experience to draw from. Those who can  feel empathy for their co-workers can respond in more constructive ways, even anticipating teammates’, subordinates’, or manager’s needs.

♦️ Focused on Positives
While not ignoring the bad news, they consciously decided to not waste time & energy on problems. Rather, they find what’s positive in a situation & look for solutions, focusing on what’s possible, & what’s in their control.

♦️ a Great Leader
Most successful leaders have a high E-I coefficient. They like to lead by example, aware that it’s not enough to delegate to get things done properly – if they’re not willing to “walk the walk”. They are very talented, have a good work ethic & are ambitious.

♦️ Highly motivated
They’re able to focus, stay on-task & are better at handling stress. This comes from being more self-managed & less impulsive – not overtaken by emotions, nor ignoring them. Also, they can use emotions as a guide foo make good decisions, rather than just on an intellectual basis.

♦️ Not easily offended
With a firm grasp of who they are, it’s hard to get very upset when others say or do something annoying or abusive. Being self-confident & open-minded, they also tend to have a rather thick skin. While drawing the line between humor & humiliation, they don’t always take themself so seriously, & can even take some ribbing from others.

♦️ Respected by others
 Managers are widely respected by their bosses, peers, and employees. They like people and are savvy enough to know what makes them tick. Their ability to quickly build rapport and trust with those on whom they depend seems almost second nature. Power wars, backbiting, and duplicity are not their style.

♦️ Responsible
They take responsibility for their own life, & don’t rush to blame others when something goes wrong. understanding that current circumstances are a result of decisions they’ve taken so far. They identify what can be done differently the next time, & develop a plan to implement those changes.

♦️ Self-aware
They know their advantages & accept weaknesses, & analyze how to work most effectively within this framework

♦️ Socially Aware
They can read non-verbal communication & social cues, tuning into other people’s emotions & attitudes. This helps them see the inter-personal interactions in groups or larger organizations

♦️ Able to stand pressure & fight it
They don’t freak out easily, so others look to them for reassurance when things get crazy. In a bad situation, they’re the strong shoulder to cry on, the source of light to look toward, the beacon of hope, the rock. EQ leaders embrace this position fully. If they sometimes lose your cool they don’t obsess over it, just dust themself off & move forward.

(Modified from  Salman C.  TÜV Rheinland Middle East)

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PREVIOUS :
S-R & Emotion Regulation

SITE : Self-report tests
— This one from Truity 

Emotional Intelligence  Quotient (EQ) is a set of skills that helps us reason with & about emotion. They are key building blocks for children & adults providing positive outcomes in mental & social functioning —-> psychological well-being, academic & workplace performance & leadership effectiveness.
It’s about knowing ourself better & sharpening the ability to handle emotions in everyday decisions & our interaction with others.
People with high EQ traits are empathetic, tuned in, perceptive. With gratitude, they count their blessings while acknowledging that nobody is perfect.

To measure one’s EQ, one type of test △ has a person answering questions or statements by rating their own behaviors. Another type involves asking people to respond to situations & then assessing their skills. It also requires them to actively show their abilities, which are then rated by a third party.

Self-Regulation is a core component of  (EQ)
According to Daniel Goleman, the 5 components are:
• Empathy = A key interpersonal skill, it’s the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, to see a situation from their perspective.
As well as being aware of others’ feelings, it’s important to respond fairly – even when not agreeing with them.
Respecting diversity & inclusion is a vital aspect of empathy, as is communication – paying close attention to what you & others say, both verbally or through body language

• Internal motivation – This partly stems from understanding what you want to do & why. It’s about your drive to improve & achieve, having high standards & consistently working towards your goals.  This means being positive & assertive,  ready to act on opportunities as they come along. Motivation is driven by optimism which results in resilience.

• Self-awareness = Recognize & understand what you’re feeling & why – as well as how they affect others around you. You know when to step back & question your feelings & thoughts before acting.  It’s the basis of good intuition & decision-making, based on knowing your strengths, weaknesses & your values.

• Self-regulation = A result of being emotional aware is managing all emotions effectively. By holding yourself accountable for your actions & staying true to your values – you treat others with respect. When under stress you consciously step back to take a deep breath, it helps those around you feel reassured, & can motivate them take positive actions when needed.

• Social  /Soft skills —-> “friendliness with a purpose” so everyone is treated politely & with respect, used both for personal & organizational benefit. Those with a high EQ are often  called a ‘people person’, who are adept at dealing with others. They make great leaders, are trustworthy, inspire & motivate others, manage change, resolve conflict effectively, & giving praise where it’s due.

When these 5 areas are working well & in balance, we’re better able to face eternal & external pressures.  Think of our physical, mental & emotional energy (PMES) like a battery on an electronic device. Overuse can drained it quickly, needing to be regularly replenished. In the same way – we can’t successfully manage emotional stress when our internal battery is depleted. EQ is resilience.

4 HABITS of emotionally strong, EQ people.  THEY….
📍Control Attention, Not Emotions = ….focus on being in charge of their mental meandering  & intuition – by choosing what to think about, shifting away from obsessing & worry toward learning & problem-solving
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📍 Practice Compassionate Self-Talk = ….. know the importance of being self-compassionate & understanding, specially when feeling down, rather than being harsh. They regularly hold nurturing inner dialogues with the Inner Child, with the same kindness & support they will offer a struggling friend.

📍 Set & Enforce Healthy Boundaries = ….. protect their mental & emotional health. Without clear limits with self & others, they disregard their own wants & needs – which are the foundations of boundaries. It may be challenging in the short term, but it promotes personal growth & improved relationships.

📍 Use Values to Make Decisions = ….. know it requires consistent effort & developing specific habits. They focus on controlling attention, practicing self-care, use values to make decisions, & have healthy boundaries.
These habits empower them to “hold & handle” their emotions, for a more fulfilled & balanced life.
Remember, emotional strength is not about suppressing emotions but responding to them in a healthy and constructive way.

NEXT : S-R :- EQ Leaders

PREVIOUS :
S-R & Emotional -EQ

EMOTIONAL DYSregulation  (E-D) is the inability to use healthy strategies to diffuse or moderate painful emotions. When in this state, we can act in ways that overwhelm us further, getting stuck in a vicious emotional cycle. It’s on a spectrum between under & over-reactive styles.Either extreme makes it hard to self-soothe & return to a baseline emotional state.
Research indicated that psychological dysfunction (such as affective or borderline personality disorders) may be identified as a lack of emotion-regulation flexibility

Someone with dysregulated emotions may have :
♦︎ extreme perfectionism
♦︎ high levels of shame, guilt
♦︎ heightened, unstable painful emotions
♦︎ high sensitivity to emotions in social situations
♦︎ inability to inhibit impulsive behaviors
♦︎ low tolerance for frustration
♦︎ obsessing on an emotional situation
♦︎ reduced awareness & understanding of emotions
♦︎ severe depression, &/or continual anxiety
♦︎ suicidal thoughts or attempts

Common reactions / behaviors :
♞ alcohol & substance abuse. Self-injury
♞ avoiding or withdrawal from difficult situations
♞ conflict in interpersonal relationship
♞ dissociating , numbness, distractibility
♞ emotional eating, sleep dysfunctions
♞ over-use of social media, neglecting other responsibilities
♞ impulsive, reckless . high risk sexual activity
♞ rage, &/or violent outbursts

LOW Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
♦︎ Limited Recognition: trouble accurately identifying emotions
♦︎ Emotional Ignorance : unable to handle emotional triggers
♦︎ Impulsive Reactions : have knee-jerk emotions & “acting-out’ behaviors
♦︎ Ineffective Coping : often use unhealthy strategies
♦︎ Reduced Empathy: makes interpersonal conflicts more likely & harder to resolve
♦︎ Trouble Verbalizing : Missing, inaccurate or distorted ways of expressing emotions often lead to miscommunication / misunderstanding, & conflicts, causing personal or work losses.

CHILDHOOD CAUSES
√ Environment. Whether is the family or the physical environment, a bad environment can negatively impact a person’s ability to process & respond to emotions.
√ Traumatic brain injury. A mental dysfunction caused by an outside force, usually a violent blow to the head.‌

√ Temperament – is determined by genetic inheritance, usually stable across time & situations. Differences in siblings show up very early in life. Some infants are calm & even-tempered, others tend to have more intense & longer stress-(over)reactions

√ Trauma – Experiencing or witnessing abuse, especially in childhood, causes catastrophic emotions which a child or adult cannot process, understand &/or integrate. This leads to severe emotional dysregulation. The overwhelming intensity of painful feelings can lead to developing long-term inflexible strategies

Child neglect. A form of parental abuse that deprives a child’s basic needs, including inadequate or missing —-> supervision, health care, clothing, or housing, as well as other physical, emotional, social, educational, & safety needs.
Chronic low levels of invalidation. This occurs when a person’s thoughts and feelings are rejected, ignored, or judged.

√ Attachment styles = Early connection-experiences shape emotion regulation abilities.  Infants need caregivers to help modulate their emotions through Attuned Bonding.  Without this, children fail to develop self-soothing capacities & instead will rely on external regulation, expressed as co-dependence, people-pleasing & passive-aggressive interactions. (See posts on Insecure attachment styles )

E-D Symptoms in  Related DISORDERS
Poor emotion regulation in childhood may increase the development of other mental health disorders. Also, having a neuro-developmental condition may include symptoms of poorer emotional regulation.

♛ Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
Such people likely have strong reactions to small setbacks, feel emotions more intensely than others, have difficulty calming down, with a low tolerance for frustration or annoyance.

♛ Autism spectrum disorders (ASD)
These people often have greater or more intense baseline levels of “negative” emotions or irritability, poorer problem-solving skills, can become easily overstimulated, & find it harder to detect other people’s emotions.

♛ Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
Symptoms are heightened & changeable negative moods, weak ur missing appropriate regulation strategies, & a surplus of unhealthy / self-defeating strategies.

♛ Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD)
Often diagnosed in adults or children with repeated trauma experiences (abuse, neglect, & violence).
E-D symptoms involve great trouble self-calming when distressed, & chronic emotional numbing.

♛ Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD)
This childhood condition can involve extreme moods & intense temper outbursts. It includes intense reactions to painful emotions with anger, irritability .
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‼️ For HEALING – RECOVERY ideas = see long lists in future posts —- >“Adults” & “Growth”

NEXT :

PREVIOUS : S-R -Emotion Domain

SITEs : ▶︎  6 Key Skills to Regulate Emotions = Self-awareness, Mindful awareness, Cognitive reappraisal, Adaptability, Self-compassion, & Emotional support
▶︎ S-R Affirmation CARDS for WOMEN with ADHD & ANXIETY

▶︎ 3 Science-Based Emotion Regulation Strategies = Reappraisal, Self-soothing, Attentional control.Emotional Regulation (E-R) includes both pleasant & unpleasant emotions, & actively using the tools 🛠️ makes it possible for us to be in charge of them. It involves :
• Initiating actions triggered by emotions —-> Inhibiting those actions when necessary —-> & Modulating those responses.IMP :  Emotion regulation (E-R) is not aimed at eliminating our emotions, but rather being flexible, so we can manage many different experience with grace & humor ! Rigid or numb reactions are unhealthy, but flexibility makes adjustments to new information & experiences easier.

Emotional flexibility develops from learning a variety of mental & behavioral strategies (see “SITEs” ↑ & Chart ↓). They are to be used according to the demand of a current situation, & practiced through each person’s unique characteristics.

Under stress our brain’s natural reaction is to activate the amygdala, which regulates fight-or-flight responses. Using E-R tools lets us buy time to consider options, before automatically reacting in self-defeating ways. Functioning as a modifier, E-R helps us filter events in daily life, ☀︎choosing to deal with the most important issue presented so it doesn’t become a burden or dangerous.

“R.U.L.E.R.“= E-R used to cope with everyday situations & feelings
♚ Recognize emotions in myself & others
♚ Understand the triggers & causes of my emotions
♚ Label words that best describe feelings so I can communicate them accurately
♚ Express – learn how to act appropriately & skillfully in social situations
♚ Regulate – develop strategies to manage & moderate feelings. This will allow me to make wiser responses to emotional situations, & help reach my goals more easily.

E-R Skills are essential for personal ‘ease’, success & smooth-running relationships.  Categories they apply to :
• Behavioral = sensory-motor strategies
• Language = words or other symbols
• Meta-cognitive = ability to reflect on & talk about mental tools, including  skills that support personal organization & regulation

a. Self-regulation = achieved independently without the support of others.  Goals :
• Be available for learning, & to interact with others
• Regulate self during new & changing situations
• Recover from extreme dysregulation by oneself
• Use action strategies to regulate arousal level during familiar activities
• Use language strategies to regulate arousal (a trigger) during familiar activities

b. Mutual regulation = exercised in supportive social interactions.  Goals :
• Able to Express a range of emotions
• Respond to assistance offered by family, partners, friends
• Request assistance from valued ‘others’ to regulate state
• Respond well to feedback & guidance regarding behavior
• Recover from extreme dysregulation with support from valued ‘others’

⬇️  Gross  identified identified 5 types of responses in the emotional regulation process :  a. Situation selection, b. Situation modification, c. Attention deployment, d. Cognitive change & e. Response modulation

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Combining strategies
Gross stresses that emotions do not need to be regulated or modified all the time – only when they interfere with desired activity or goals. Gross and John, 2003
1. Cognitive re-appraisal (Antecedent) = correcting & modifying our interpretation of a situation that has triggered an emotion, and what effect that has on us
EXP : Chosing to stay calm when having to continue an important conversation with a ‘difficult’ person – because we are clear that their attitude is not about us!
AND  / OR
2. Expressive suppression (Response) = comes after the emotion is triggered, & does not influence the emotion itself, but rather its outcomes & consequences. That means being in charge of actions so they don’t lead us in the ‘wrong ‘ direction.

🔸 The first 4 strategies are used before the emotion registers, & are most effective because they affect which emotion shows up.
🔹 The 5th is used after the emotion has been activated (triggered), since it can change or modify how we reacted to it (behavior).

To be balanced, Emotional self-regulation allows us to handle our emotions appropriately – in most situations, most of the time – especially the “difficult” ones. Using our tools helps to keep us motivated toward desired goals, stick to personal standards, strengthen willpower, & keep our actions-to-emotions ratio in balance.
EXP : Even if really angry at someone, you can talk to them using direct & self-confident language – “When you don’t stick to our agreements, I feel powerless, frustrated & angry.”

NEXT : S-R – Emotional Intelligence

PREVIOUS: TOP-DOWN thinking

Actually, models of emotion regulation which emphasize a balance between top-down & bottom-up processing – highlight their mutual influence, while acknowledging that under some conditions, one or the other will exert the strongest regulatory effect.

DEFENITIONS  «
NEXT : Self-Reg. & Emotions (#1)

PREVIOUS : S-R Inhibition (#1)

SITEs : Proactive & Reactive inhibitory brain areas

•  Being “Reactive & Proactive at WORK”

<—- Fig. A & B
Different arrow thicknesses represent different strengths of activated influences – priming & reinforcement.  The large, blue arrow starts from the frontal lobe & goes to the parietal-occipital ones, showing how the brain enables us to quickly focus attention.
To make sense of the world, we take in energy from the environment, which the brain converts to neural sensations. Then it interprets these sensory signals as perception.
This information allows for mental control by 2 inhibitory modes : Reactive – to prevent problems & Proactive – to achieve goals, depending on when an action is being curtailed.

♦︎ Reactive prevention is the ‘bottom-up‘ mode : whenever the environment influences our thinking & emotions. There’s no learning, & perceptions are based on whatever new input comes in from the current external situation.
EXP : Someone trying to avoid losses will play it safe or do what they ‘ought’ to do.

Being Reactive implies you don’t have the initiative, letting events set the agenda. You’re tossed around by the tides of life, each new wave catching you by surprise. Huffing & puffing, you scramble to react just to stay afloat.

★“Proactive Thinking” (the reverse) is the  ‘top-down’ mode. It’s when our thinking influences how we feel about ourself & the world, which helps to anticipate the near future – based on experience & the right info – preparing us ahead of time to respond according to what’s needed.
EXP: Focus is on potential benefits when working toward a favorite goal.

Proactivity is ‘grace under fire’ – so when you’re in choppy waters you can manage well. It takes energy to rise above current difficulties, to see the big picture & make needed changes.  It’s not just anticipating the waves – it’s being in tune with them, not desperately trying to escape. You ebb & flow with events, drawing on them as a source of energy. (“BEING Proactive” excellent)

⛔️ Sometimes we don’t have that energy to cope – then in reactivity. Remember : that is a ‘normal human’ response to stress-overload, NOT a personal failure. So there’s no point in berating ourself for slowing sown.
THEN the best proactive thing you can do is to take a break. Use “Time Out” to review what & how you’re doing something, & plan how to get back on track – with a smile!

Proactive inhibition is regulated by the Prefrontal Cortex, (thinking & logic, higher-order emotional awareness, & speaking).  As the brain picks up new experiences (stimuli), stored info from memory is ‘sent down’ to the physical senses. Together they make sense of the input, in a broad overview, without needing to identify every detail.

Top-down & bottom-up processes take different routes to influence emotional learning.  Both are activated in the prefrontal cortex, but
— left side when using T-D is via increased language processing, while the
— right side when using B-U may relate to shifting ones attention between events.

Clinical disorders
Research also indicate that both T-D & B-U styles may play a role in emotional disorders, & that optimal treatment plans differ, depending on which of the 2 processes mainly generated the dysfunction

Bottom-up abnormalities might be modified or changed most effectively using behavioral reinforcement methods that reshape response reactions over time.
Top-down abnormalities may best be addressed using cognitive restructuring methods that change how a person consciously evaluates PPT (people, places, things).  IMAGE ⬆️  Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is one of the suggested modalities.

ED with NISSI
At the neuro-cognitive level, the compulsion to self-harm when emotionally distressed – is most closely linked to the impairment of a person’s response-inhibition ability.

Emotion dysregulation is a core feature of different self-injurious behaviors. 55% of people who engage in NSSI ➡️ report some disordered eating habits (ED), which are considered “direct” & “indirect” forms of self-injury – respectively.
Inhibitory control has 3 stages : (1) interference over emotional impulses (2) action restraint or suppression (early response), (3) action cancellation or termination (late response). At the neuro-cognitive level, the compulsion to self-harm when emotionally distressed – is most closely linked to the impairment of a person’s response-inhibition ability. (MORE…..)

NEXT : S-R Inhibition (#3)

PREVIOUS : Bottom-UP

PREVIOUS : Executive Function, #2
SITE : Asking Questions