WHY ACoAs LIE (Part 3)


 

 

PREVIOUS: Why ACoAs Lie (Part 2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

 

MAIN problems about Lying
🔻You are not trustworthy, so no one can rely on you, cutting off real connections
🔻You know you’re being fake, which reinforces both FoA (fear of abandonment) and S-H (not liking yourself)

NOTE: We have a right to our feelings about people & events, but it’s not always appropriate to blurt out whatever is whirling around in our head, especially without double-checking OUR motives

The 2 main keys for deciding what to say OR not – are :
🌱 what is our ultimate goal in a situation, which has to be decided by the Adult part of us, not the WIC! for it to be appropriate
🌱 what will get us what we need without hurting ourselves, & whenever possible, other people

4. PRESENT
aLying TO Ourselves:
• from SHAME & S-Hself-shame
— to deny what really happened to us at home, still believing we were the cause of all the trouble
— having a desperate need to not see the truth about our parents’ damage, mental illness, addiction…. & so maintain parental viewpoints about everything. By staying loyal to the family (symbiotic), we continue to believe their lies & then perpetuate them
— to hide from our fear & pain, minimize our profound sense of loss, & run from feelings of hopelessness, so we can stay in denial
— deny our abilities & good qualities, in order to agree with the ‘bad voice’

b. Lying TO Others
• from GRANDIOSITY (cover S-H)
— need to pretend we’re ‘normal’, so no one will know how ‘evil’ we are
— to present ourselves as wonderful, happy, smart, clever, rather than what we are – hurting, wounded, desperately lonely….
— use bravado to compensate for feeling stupid & worthless
— to hide the fact that we don’t know certain thing, because our family never taught us (how the world actually works, what people conningexpect of us, how to connect…)

• from PEOPLE-PLEASING
— to be a chameleon, changing ourselves into what we THINK you want
— to not say how we really feel about anything – or you’ll leave us
— to not hurt anyone else’s feelings, never admit to being hurt & angry, so whatever you do to us is OK, no matter how much we may hate it
— to not have to confront anyone or call them on their bad or abusive behavior, since we’re not sure we’re right, & don’t want to get anyone angry at us, so end up MUTE (silence can also be a lie)!

5. RECOVERY
Because most of us are NOT pathological liars, we can gradually give up this character defect, as we:
Step 1 : Admit to having a problem – the hard 
• Figure out what pressured you to lie : learn how it all started & recognize that it was a defense mechanism which is no longer needed or useful

Sself-esteemStep 4 : List all the ways lying messes up your life
You don’t have to let the WIC run your life – you’re an adult with options you didn’t have as a kid

Steps 5 & 10 : Tell someone when you lie  Make sure anyone you ‘confess’ to – is not going to be judgmental, but also not excuse or white-wash unhealthy behaviors

• Work on self-esteem
– learn to know who you are & be truthful about it
– develop boundaries from identifying & providing needs, wants, dreams & hopes
– choose healthier jobs, friends & lovers who want to know your real opinions & feelings
– practice telling the truth & noticing that nothing bad happens to you!

• Be realistic about what you promise others
• Talk to others about their expectations of you
• Practice telling the truth, as often as possible

A good MOTTO: “Don’t justify yourself, but don’t lie”

NEXT: ACoAs & RISK #1

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