SITE : 14 more manipulative phrases from Ns (some overlap)
◀︎ “Word Salad” – the verbal sandwich you eat, but comes with a poisonous sauce that gives you a stomach ache!
4. N-EGO Phrases
• I’m so modest = Don’t consider what I’m doing or saying as abuse. Just accept it
• How dare you accuse me of lying?! I’ve always told you the truth = I only say what I want you to believe, which it rarely the truth. And if you question me, you’ll be in big trouble!
• I don’t have an anger problem = So what? I’ll yell & insult you no matter what you think
• That never happened = So I made a mistake – but you’re not supposed to notice, much less bring it up
• I can’t remember what happened = I’m perfectly aware what happened, but if I pretend not to, I expect you to as well
• Don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re making absolutely no sense = I’m pretending to not understand your point or your experience. Since it disagrees with mine, I don’t have to admit anything!
• That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry that’s how you feel = I’m pretending to be the rational one OR that I care – but I say things that ever-so-subtly invalidate you, so you can never win
• Why are you always attacking me? Don’t! = Stop holding me accountable. Why do you keep expecting me to admit when I so or say something wrong (that you don’t like)?
• YOU are the problem = I’m the problem but will never say so. Besides, I don’t care how you feel
• I didn’t hurt you – you hurt yourself. Maybe you deserved it = I so don’t care, that I literally believe your effort to stand up for yourself (or a cause) forced me to abuse you – some more.
You deserve it because you don’t see things my way or didn’t do exactly what I wanted
• You’re too sensitive = Cut the emotional crap now. Stop being upset & talking about your feelings, or my meanness & bad behavior
• Forgive & forget = Keep tolerating my abuse, aways
• Stop living in the past = Okay. Peace. Forget it, so I can go back to being comfortable
• That’s in the past. 15 minutes ago IS the past! Why can’t we just forget it ? = Why you don’t get over being abused – it’s over, so you should be all cheerful now. Stop making ME the bad one
• Nobody likes you = I don’t really like you – & secretly don’t myself either, so you have to feel as bad about yourself as I do about me
• You’re crazy = I can’t bear that you know the truth about me, & are starting to tell others about it. I have to stop you!
• It’s all in your head. You need to see a shrink = I need you to doubt your perception & your reality, so I can keep manipulating you easily.
(from : Emily Gordon // Angie Atkinson)
5. TACTIC: False Praise with Real Criticism
Many Ns are skilled at sounding pleasant, agreeable, even complimentary. They can lavish praise when it suits them, but not a single word is heartfelt or honest.
Instead, they use false praise to manipulate, to get you on their side, and to make the criticisms that follow more palatable.
EXP: “I like your dress, but it really doesn’t flatter your figure”, “You draw beautifully, but that’s not a real job” = softening the blow while sticking the knife in. (Post “How to / not to talk to Kids…. “)
It might seem like honesty, but is anything but. The compliment is nothing short of a lie – something they don’t actually believe, but serves their purpose, to keep you down
This is indirect abuse. It may not seem so bad to the victim, nor to onlookers – but over time such verbal combos are painfully cumulative, having a damaging effect on self-esteem & affecting the ability to function well. (More….)
NEXT: CONVERSATIONAL Narcissism