PREVIOUS : ACoAs as Ns (#3)

1. ‘WORD SALAD’ – the slang term for a type of narcissistic speech used purposefully to control by being confusing & degrading.
THEY:
✴︎ Accuse you of their bad behavior, especially things you never do/ never done
✴︎ Blame you for their shortcomings, deny reality & responsibility, find excuses, shame / mock you
USE:
✴︎ Confusing statements that never come to the point & never end, so you’re caught in a mental spiral
✴︎ Cognitive distortions – the basis for insensitive, abusive actions
✴︎ Condescending tone, as if talking to a child
✴︎ Conversation as competition, to frustrate or create arguments. If you’re always wrong, it insures they are always right (More….)
✴︎ NO logic, clarity or verbal direction about the topic being talked about
✴︎ Lots of irrelevant or meaningless ‘facts’
THEY:
✴︎ Never address the current issue or problem
✴︎ Outright lie, make excuses, change the subject
✴︎ Refuse to answer, or belittle & insult
✴︎ Repeat the same stories, opinions, pet peeves, arguments…. year after year, even using the exact same words

✴︎ Project their inner world onto to you . Whatever they feel is unacceptable in themselves – becomes the flaw in you
✴︎ Purposely confuse your reality by denying your experience (gaslighting)
✴︎ Verbally rage, when unmasked for what they really are
✴︎ Reverse Toxic Roles: accuse you of making them a Victim, then magically turn themselves into a saintly Hero
📣     📢    📣    📢

2. HOOVERING – If you’re a Victim who’s trying to get away, or walked out – this manipulation is used to try sucking you back in by promising improved or desirable behavior, but they’ll end up treating you like dirt (like what’s in the vacuum cleaner)

Hoovering Ns may say:
✦ You can’t leave, I need you. You’re the only one who’s ever understood me (clever you!)
✦ We’re soul-mates – meant to be together (as a copy of me)
✦ I know you’re the right one for me, we get along so well (when you agree)
✦ I’ve had an epiphany – I love only you! (Right now, maybe)

✦ After the break up, the N says “I’m here for you – you shouldn’t go thru this alone (you still need me and have to make ME feel better)
✦ I’m sorry for hurting you & I promise to change / stop drinking …. (sure thing)
✦ OK, I’ve decided to get help. OR – OK, I’ll go to couple’s counseling with you (but not for long)

✦ Can’t we be friends? We care about each other (as long as you please me)
✦ I met him / her when we were broken up (they didn’t mean a thing to me) OR I met them before you (I can still fool around with an ex)
❗️❗️
3. IN RELATIONSHIPS
• I love you = Damn! You’re starting to figure out my real intentions. I’d better distract you
• Cheaters are scum = I’m cheating on you, but don’t notice!  (➡️ IMAGE : Ego kibbles)

• I’m sorry = Forget what just happened! Don’t hold me responsible. Make me feel good.
• I’m upset = Pay more attention to me!

• I’ve never met anyone like you = You all are the same to me. I’m texting 5 others the same thing right now
• I’ve been really wanting to settle down = This should make you believe I’m a responsible guy & a nice person, so ‘trust me’
❗️❗️
• I can’t help what I am, take it or leave it = I may act like a total douche, but I expect you to overlook obvious facts, & act like I’m the most amazing person you’ve EVER met. MMmmkay?

• I don’t want to talk = Go away! unless you can flatter & pamper me
• Why do you keep going on about ___ ? This is boring! Let’s talk about something else = Focus only on ME. I don’t care about what you’re saying. And even if I do ‘listen’, I’ll act like you’re stupid & boring so you’ll get discouraged & stop bugging me

• I don’t like talking about my past = I’ve carefully crafted the image I’m showing you (& the world), so if I talk about my past, it’ll crash. I can’t keep up my false self if you know who I used to be.

NEXT: More PHRASES (Part 2)