Author: dmtorbi

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , ,

mananaMAÑANA, MAÑANA
I want to, but just can’t get going!

PREVIOUS: “Putting things off” Part 2

SITE : Procrastination CYCLE   (& chart)

POST: “Why are you Stuck?”

 

2. NOW we put things off because of:
❓Feelings  // ❓ Knowledge

✳️ ULTIMATELY – we put things off :
a. so we won’t feel so alone – that inner loneliness of not having nurturing parents growing up! Being our own caretaker, being competent – even in small things – is an emotional reminder of how terribly empty we always felt as kids – no one to guide (only bully), no one to comfort (only control), no one to encourage (only shame)…. inner aloneness

• Instead of doing something positive now, all that wasted time spent worrying, obsessing about things we’re not getting done actually serves a purpose for the WIC : it fills up the hole inside – where good parents should be – the Inner Supporters we never had (early abandonment).

EXP: Pre-Recovery, Tina needed to replace a knob for her radio that had fallen off & was lost. She knew she had the manufacturer’s purchase list in her files, but felt a general lethargy about taking the action = all of 5 minutes to find, make the call & order the tiny part. It was several months before she did this simple task.

• In the mean time Tina had to turn the radio on & off by awkwardly using 2 fingers on the sound stub. When the part finally arrived, in a little pouch, it sat on her night table several more weeks. Eventually she ‘faced’ the great task of taking the knob out of the package & clicking it into place = less than 1 minute!
We put things off :
b. because we have a deep (usually unacknowledged) feeling of hopelessness. After all – the WIC believes that our actions are supposed to get us the love & attention we’re always craved, specifically from our parents (dead or alive!). The Child’s logic says – “since they hurt me & hated me, it has to be my fault, so I have to find a way to fix it.”

drowningBut no matter how hard we work at being the perfect son or daughter, we rarely achieve this wish. So eventually taking actions gets harder & harder. Scapegoat & Lost Child ACoAs give up trying a lot sooner than Heroes & Mascots, but they stop wanting to be loved & accepted! They just pretend they don’t care!

c. because we feel powerless to have any effect on our environment (being efficacious). We could never get our parents (& sometimes siblings) to notice us, listen to us, take us seriously, consider or feelings & needs. So why would we be able to influence anyone else in the world? If we have no ability to influence, then why even try to DO anything?

3. WHAT makes it HARD to act
a. Internal FEAR of —
• not knowing how to do something (even tho we’re actually very smart, clever, creative, knowledgeable)
• not knowing what to say when challenged or attacked
• looking weak, needy, incompetent, lazy, stupid…..
• not doing everything Perfectly (a form of S-H)
• having to stand up for ourselfstandup
• making the ‘wrong’ choice, when having several options, or many demands on us at the same time
• having to feel the loneliness & pain of our original abandonment

b. External FEAR of —
• asking for help when we really need it
• being judged harshly by anyone (the way we do to ourself)
• being interrupted & lose our train of thought /activity
• getting disappointed, hurting or angering someone
• having to deal with difficult people
• having to make everyone else happy (not be in pain) but resenting it

These can show up as:
• Can’t motivate ourself – to have a life of our own, following our dreams, leaving bad relationships, moving to a better location….!
• Not being able to decide what to do first, when we have several options, or what to do at all (like with free time)
• Starting things (refinishing a pc. of furniture, art work, a book, even relationships…) but never / rarely finishing anything – IF it’s for ourself

NEXT: Procrastination  Part 4

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

overwhelmed I’M OVERWHELMED
so I don’t do anything

PREVIOUS : Procrastination,#1

SITE: Potential Cost of Procrastination  (w/ charts, & re. Money)

QUOTE: “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” ~ Marthe Troly-Curtin


1. PAST Causes of Procrastination (cont)
f. Being put down  // g. dismissed or devalued
h. never (or rarely) acknowledged

i. Double Messages, leaving us ‘feeling’ crazy – adults who constantly gave us confusing or conflicting messages about what was expected of us, or how to do things, SO now we don’t trust our judgement

j  Expected &/or forced to take care of them, never allowed to focus on our personality,, SO now we refuse to use all that experience & creativity for ourself, wanting someone else to do it for us. Been there, done that!

yelled atk. Punished (insults, being hit, yelled at, sent to our room, made fun of, threatened….) – for having need, wants & emotions, as well as for not doing everything the ‘right’ way, ie. their way, or just not knowing how to do something – even tho’ we were too young, untrained & inexperienced, but they expected us to be mind-readers, & act like adults anyway!

l. Absorbed & took on our parent’s fear – who repeatedly warned us about the dangers of people, places & things, SO we became fearful of everything too

m. Neglected, ignored – having to fend for ourself – left alone to figure things out, when too young – not getting encouragement, guidance, ‘how to’ or just safe & loving company, which made us feel insecure & too alone.

ACoA “LOGIC”: I keep putting it off because –
• IF I ignore it long enough maybe it’ll magically go away
• I feel comforted – because not being fully functional keeps me from having to feel the abandonment pain of no one being there to teach, help or encourage me thru things when growing up

• It’s not fair that I have to do things by myself, for myself
• Since I hate doing it, I’ll wait until the very last hour or two, then cram in whatever I can manage. That way I’ll have an excuse for not doing it better (no time)
ALSO: maybe there’ll be a hail-mary save (rescued),
OR – someone usually does show up to help at the last minute (luck), so I’ll just wait

🔆     🔅     🔆
2. NOW we put things off because of:
❓FeelingsScreen Shot 2015-09-06 at 3.59.01 AM
• it reminds us of how we didn’t get helped as kids. All those ‘little’ abandonments add up to one big pain!
• automatically assume we’ll be abused, or left (A.) if we act on our own behalf

• haven’t learned how to deal with the PP voice that controls the WIC (Introject)
• we are deeply conflicted – to do or not do, to obey or disobey, to do it our way or theirs, to be separate or stay symbiotic…. Intense inner conflicts leave us paralyzed!
• afraid of ‘hurting’ others’ feelings OR having them be angry at us, which would mean getting emotionally abandoned (cut off) by them

❓ Knowledge
• we don’t know what’s actually stopping us (denial)
• anything we’ve figure out for ourself is considered either wrong or not of any value (crap)
• we never actually learned process – how to reach a goal by going thru a series of necessary steps. We look fcan't swimor instant grat, or we make a half-hearted attempt, or we take the least effective steps. When these don’t work we give up, rather than learn what actually works!

• we believe in our deepest being that anything we do has to be perfect, & not being able to that – we end up doing nothing
• don’t know how to do something AND can’t ask for help, OR feel like we have no one to ask
• afraid of what we’ll find out (outcome of a job interview, medical tests, how much is -or isn’t- in the bank…)

NEXT: “Procrastination” Part 3

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

lazy, sloppyI DON’ WANNA –
so I just won’t!

PREVIOUS: Why are you stuck?

SITE: : “15 Ways to Productively Procrastinate”

POSTs: “What to do when Confused”

NOTE: In terms of T.E.A., this topic is about ACTIONs. When we say we’re stuck, it often means that we’re not able or willing to take actions we know are needed & good for us, or that we would like to do, but ‘can’t’.

ACoAs are ‘famous’ for putting things off.
Of course, there are the over-controlled action-junkies among us who are always doing, doing, doing : for work, for the family, for the community – but not for ourself. For these ACoAs, the ‘putting off’ issue is about not taking care of our own needs.

1. PAST Causes of Procrastinationchaos
These situations happened from the very beginning of our life :
a.  Endless family chaos. No matter what we started (studying, playing, chores, going to bed….) or how hard we worked to put something together (a project), some  family drama or another would take precedence. Our life kept getting sidetracked by someone else’s mess or bigger needs. We’d have to start all over again, or never get back to it at all

b. Lack of positive Mirroring: not having someone clearly reflect back to us how we do things, what our personal style is, how our mind works, what our specific abilities are…. SO now we always end up saying “I don’t know who I am, what I like, what I want to do when I grow up…”,  even though since then we’ve had a lifetime of experiences, learning, accomplishments…. which give us lots of definite hints & signs about out personality & nature

c.  Nothing was ever good enough:
— parents constantly criticized everyone & everything, arbitrarily
— we were never acceptable (much less appreciated) – they found fault with our taste & choices (clothes, music, friends… )
— criticized, made fun of or punished for not knowing things, not for “doing better”….
— AND at the same time – for being too smart, intuitive, clever, artistic….(parents were threatened & jealous) putting us in double bindsaccordion girl

d. Forced to do, learn or study something we hated or which genuinely did not suit our True Self – sometimes for years (sports, camping, an instrument, a particular profession… spending time with hated family members, sent away to school, put to work in hated family business …), SO now we do as little as possible or as poorly as we can get away with

e. Being constantly discouraged / undermined by the adults when we talked about our opinions, plans, dreams (“There’s no future/ money / jobs… in X / That’s dumb… / Don’t waste your time on Y…..”)
— OR not allowed to help them with anything – chores, working on the car, cooking, painting the house, decorating…. as if we were too slow or too dumb, SO we think we can’t do things

f. Being put down when we actual did something – trying to figure out how to do a new task, taking longer to learn something than they had patience for (none), not ‘getting’ something (like math)
discouraged— ALSO, insulted, attacked, made fun of…. for things we naturally did really well (games, sewing, sports, art, languages…), especially if they could NOT do it as well or at all, pushing their insecurity or envy button

g. Had dismissed or devalued whatever good we tried to do, like wanting to help, showing concern, being on our best behavior, suppressing ourself to please them…. even the gifts we made or bought for them were ignored, given away or returned! 😢

h. Were never (or rarely) acknowledged – much less – praised for what we did accomplish.
Kids need validation for any effort, without it having to be of world-class quality. SO now we don’t value our accomplishments either!

NEXT: Procrastination =  Part 2

WHY ARE YOU STUCK?

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , , ,

unstuck LITTLE BY LITTLE
dismantle your prison

PREVIOUS: What to do when Confused – #7

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


WHY we’re stuck
There may be several reasons. Here we’re concerned with the many Toxic Beliefs* we carry with us from our childhood experiences.

✶ Our fear is strong & pervasive, but the main cause for that in the present is what we are THINKING! Change that & we’re free!
Not being able to pursue & reach our needs & desires is caused by intense inner conflict between what we consciously desire VS the family rules coming from the Introject (PP = bad parent voice), whispering or screaming at the WIC, causing our S-H

• Obeying the Toxic Beliefs guarantees that we stay trapped, continually failing, feeling more & more hopeless, even suicidal. BUT, they’re so much a part of us, we may not even know we’re being coerced by ideas that were created for us (deliberately or not, it doesn’t matter).

To get UNSTUCK – we need to know & own these self-destructive Rules, counter them & then slowly change our actions, ie. Only follow the New Rules!
painIronically, these old beliefs are very hard to give up, because:
• the Inner Child actually believes them!
• following them represents loyalty to our family

GIVING them up would mean:
• getting in touch with the PAIN of our damage
• seeing what we missed out on (a loving, healthy family)
• having to give up what we thought was our ‘identity’ (our False Self
& one or more Roles)
• having to become our own person (S & I ), grow up emotionally, make our own choices, be responsible for ourselves & our actions  – stop waiting to be rescued.

⬇️ Here is one form to use whenever you want to know what’s going on in your head – what toxic beliefs are keeping you from getting what you want in life (use it separately for each topic or issue that’s bothering or confusing you), & another form to make your corrections

➼ Please DON’T just say “I don’t understand this”, or “I don’t know how to do it” & give up.  That’s mainly resistance, even if you’ve never done this particular exercise before.  Anyone who has read self-help books & done therapy will definitely be able to fill these out, given some thought, but even if you never have, you can always ask for help from someone who knows you well.  Don’t worry if your answers are similar each time you use the forms. That’s to be expected.
resistSTART by identifying a problem you want to correct OR a goal you want to achieve, but haven’t been able to, so far. Suggested ‘Issues’ “What‘s stopping me from:
• starting a new career?  • looking for a new job ?  • leaving a harmful relationship?  • standing up for myself?  • letting go of my damage?  • cleaning up my apartment?  • studying my artistic passion? ….”

1. FORM A – What’s familiar: using T.E.A. (Thoughts, Emotions & Actions), to ‘hear’ the damaged part of our thinking
•  Column 1. “Emotions” can be filled in right away if you’re very upset & know what you are feeling, otherwise —

— go to Column 2, filling in as many negative thoughts as you can (one for each category is ok if that’s all you can think of). Make sure you separate out what you’re thinking about yourself VS what you’re assuming about others (projecting)

•  If you left the first column empty, now add any emotions you’ve become aware of relating to the beliefs
• Then list the ways you ACT in response to those beliefs

2. FORM B – What is possible: Reversing patterns of thoughts & behavior will modify fear & greatly improve your experiences in life.
Use the same procedure as in Form A. but change the harmful beliefs to healthy, positive & hopeful ones, & then keep the list with you at all times so you can review & internalize them

• Based on that –  you can practice changing you ACTIONS, starting in small ways, whenever you can. Plan ahead how you’re gong to change an old pattern & try it out.

• In this case the Emotions column is last because you may not know how you feel until you try our new behaviors & get some positive results. Don’t be surprised if you have uncomfortable emotions (as well as pleasant ones), which come from your WIC and/or PP.  Just let them be. Comfort your kid, tell the PP (Introject) to leave your kid alone, & focus on enjoying the relief & pleasure of living well (the best revenge!).

Sample PROBLEM :
“Why can’t I make & keep friends / lovers / bosses who are healthier, compatible & supportive??”

You may need help from a therapist, friend, sponsor or healer – to IDENTIFY the NEGATIVE and POSITIVE beliefs. Don’t be ashamed to ask!


MAKE several BLANK copies of these 2 FORMS,  and try it out on one of YOUR issues

NEXT : ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 1)

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 7)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: What to do when…#6

Questions: Personal Strengths Inv

POST: ACoA Time-line Inventory

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
3. PRIORITIZE // 4. OPTIONS

5. INVENTORIES (cont)
a. Venn Diagram Inventory (in Part 5)
b. Fill in the charts in the

c. OUTLINE in Part 6
EXP #2 – Woman with Bad Parent
EXP #1 – Man with Inner Child

EXP #3 – Adult to Wounded Inner Child
Adult: WHEN YOU (Inner child) constantly people-please or give in to a parent, adult-child, friend, lover (or potential), boss ……(A)
Adult: I FEEL (E) your longing, loneliness, emotional hunger (E) and I know YOU BELIEVE that (T) :
no one is ever going to like you just for yourself, so you have to go out of your way to make yourself indispensable or at least to not make any waves – at all

Adult: BUT I PREVENT YOU (WIC) FROM:
stopping me from standing up for us (which prevents humiliation)
BY (actions & words – A & T) setting boundaries, saying what I need to take care of you, admitting I don’t know something, asking for something I/you want that’s fun, leaving harmful or unsuitable PPT (people, places, things), getting warm support…..

Qsbecause it’s less painful than for :
a. You to FEEL: (E) rage, abandonment, boredom, sadness, frustration ….
b. both of us having to DEAL WITH (A): people taking advantage or walking all over us, ignoring, demanding, controlling, verbally or physically abusing….us

NOTE: An indicator of Recovery growth for ACoAs is not being ‘kid-whipped’ – when our Adult ego state is in charge more often. And being emotionally healed enough that we can say NO when appropriate without fear or guilt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INTERESTING: The human brain is a pattern-recognition machine – able to identify related things, connecting them into a meaningful whole. This skill helps us recognize everything – from – underlying themes in literature, —> to deep structure in science & math —> to anticipating hidden complications in relationships —> to seeing solutions to work problems….. With experience, we gather a subconscious familiarity with the basic nature of the world which we can hardly verbalize, but instinctively act on

It’s why confusion can be so uncomfortable, but it can also have an up side:
a. NOT assuming there’s only one correct way to resolve a problem lets us explore lots of potential options, giving us a deeper, broader sense of the issues involved
b. NOT knowing answers creates a powerful drive to figure things out. We’re motivated to look deeper & more thoroughly for solutions, & so find things we wouldn’t have otherwise.

To encourage this, we can:
• expose ourself to interesting but unfamiliar info
• tackle a new problem without instructions – instead of coming up with the ‘right’ answer – generate lots of ideas about its ‘parts’, & suggest potential solutions, leading us to perform better on future problems

• test ourself before learning about a new subject – using only minimum info, like chapter titles. Speculating about material we haven’t seen yet will help us learn it better once we do look at it, having provided “fertile ground” in the brain for encoding knowledge when it’s eventually available (like answers to your Qs)

6. CONSULT
• Once you’ve done some inventories, perhaps considered some actions, you may want to run it by someone else, especially for the ‘big’ decisions. You have the right to ask & get help & encouragement from safe people, BUT ultimately the choices are yours alone

• Go to someone you know is trustworthy (not family), who will:
– just listen & not give advice (no agenda) & validate your emotions
– help you work through any confusion you may still have, looking at pros & cons, options, real limitation…..
– won’t be judgmental or expect you to have the answers
– provide mirroring (feed back your wishes & needs, not theirs)
– encourage your autonomy (“You CAN decide”)

• Ask them if you can book-end with them, used when you want or need to take an action that makes you nervous & unsure (Call for support, take action, call back with results)

• CHECK – After taking an action, did you get the concrete results you hoped for? How did others respond? Was anything missing? Were the benefits greater than you imagined?….

• EMOTIONAL – How did taking that action feel ?  Happy & more confident, or leave you feeling empty or bad about yourself? Were you disappointed & less satisfied, or you did feel stronger & empowered ?

NEXT: Why are you Stuck?

 

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: What to do….#5

POST: “ACTIONS – healthy opposites”

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
3. PRIORITIZE // 4. OPTIONS

5. INVENTORIES (cont)
REMINDER: ACoAs were trained to thinking the worst about ourself. So, doing many different kinds of inventories is crucial. Knowledge is power, & we already know a great deal (“I know what I know”), & the rest we can learn. MOST IMP – every Character list needs to be a positive one, about our core Self & what we aspire to. This is crucial to being clear-headed, the opposite of confused. (More….)

a. Venn Diagram Inventory (in Part 5)

b. Fill in the charts in the “Why are you stuck?” post
Choose responses that strengthen your True Self. Which ones:
• have value & importance to you or to the activity you’re engaged in
• are realistically do-able, at your present level of skill & Recovery
• make you feel good about yourself, especially afterward
• keep you in reality, rather in escape mode

• are the most enjoyable for your Inner Child (must be healthyassessment)
• are the least emotionally painful (if all choices will hurt) – OR
• have the least harmful consequences to yourself – AND
• benefit your personal growth / recovery the most
• break a Toxic Rule – that will empower you

c. Use this T.EA. version of “Relationship FORM A” for yourself. ⬇ Pick any topic you’re dealing with
EXP 1.  The WIC’s reaction to something the Adult wants / needs to do
EXP 2. The PP’s reaction to something the Adult wants / needs to do
EXP 3. The healthy UNIT talking to the WIC (in Part 7)

These are not dialogues, but rather info about the damaged ego states.
For that see the “UNIT” posts & Lucia C’s workbook.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: WHEN I (the Adult) WANT TO / THINK ABOUT (A)  __________________________
CHILD or PP: I/you FEEL (E) ______________________________________
because I/you BELIEVE that (T) _______________________________________________________
SO I/you PREVENT YOU/ME (the adult) FROM _________________________________________________________________
BY (actions & words – A & T) _______________________________________________
____________________________________________________
because it’s less scary than having to:
a. FEEL (E) ________________________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH (A & T) ____________________________________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Qs

EXP #1 – Man with Inner Child
MAN: WHEN I WANT TO approach & talk to any woman I find very attractive

CHILD: I FEEL afraid, ashamed, embarrassed (Es)
because I BELIEVE that I’m not attractive, I’ll be awkward, won’t really know what to say, I’ll be boring, she’ll see right thru me (not lovable) ….(Ts)

SO I (WIC) PREVENT YOU (adult) from approaching an attractive woman
BY thinking I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me, “Who do you think you are…” (Ts)
— because it’s less scary than having to:
a. FEEL humiliated, rejected Es)
b. and/or DEAL WITH being ignored, OR ending up with someone I’ll either have to take care of OR who will try to control me (A & T)

NOTE: The WIC comes from S-H & FoA, so believes that ALL outcomes will end up in painful abandonment, never with any successful or happy ones. Paralyzing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

QsEXP #2 – Woman with Bad Parent
WOMAN (adult): When I THINK ABOUT giving up trying to stop you from drinking

Pig Parent (Introject) : I churn up FoA panic & guilt in your WIC (Es)
because I (PP) remind YOU (adult-child) that it’s all your fault that I’m miserable (“Why did I have to have a kid like you!?), AND I n-e-e-e-d you (VERY confusing)
so that the kid (WIC) will stay convinced that unless I keep trying, I’ll die, & then you’ll die (Ts)

SO I (PP) PREVENT YOU (adult) from forming & maintaining your boundaries
BY making you remember how I (actual mother) blame, whine, attack verbally / physically, drink more, get sick, am depressed, threaten suicide…. (As)

— because it’s much safer than having to:
a. FEEL my abandonment & S-H, being lonely, helpless, incompetent….
b. &/or DEAL WITH taking care of myself, being responsible for my actions (A)

NOTE: The PP holds the actual parent’s S-H & FoA, which we =as children – picked up as a burden to carry for them – out of love. But added to our own, it pounds us into the ground.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

❇ Identifying what our unhealthy inner ego states are telling us will give us clarity to counter the confusion, so our ADULT can override the self-defeating thoughts.

NEXT: What to do… #6

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

WHEN I’M CONFUSED
it’s OK to ask for help

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#4)

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
2. SIMPLIFY // 3. PRIORITIZE

4. OPTIONS (cont)
THE “LAW”: Being trapped as kids in endlessly dire situations without any possible ‘out’ left ACoAs with the Toxic Rule: “If you don’t like it you have to stay”. Controlling parents also taught us: “It’s MY way or the highway”  & “Who do you think you are?”.  Not only were we not allowed to leave bad situations, but we shouldn’t think for ourself or disobey the ruling demigods – lest we be destroyed!

• That is how the WIC actually experienced our parent(s): as ‘gods’, and so disobedience = our death. If that seems extreme, imagine the terror in a small child trying to defy the angry, abusive authority.

parents as godOR, remember the intensity of your anxiety, as an adult, when you’ve said NO to a parent or mate, or tied something totally out of your comfort zone. Haven’t yet?  As long as we still hold these crippling beliefs we have little or no wiggle room, making it hard >to >impossible to take effective actions

EXP: Shona’s father had given her a few of his extra tools to use in her first apartment after college. 20 yrs later she was still struggling to making do with them for every repair job, no matter how unsuited they are for a particular task!

Eventually Shona realized this was a metaphor for the way she lived the rest of her life, & decided to work on expanding her sense of possibilities – starting at the most practical, undramatic level. Occasionally she’ll stop in a hardware store & just LOOK at the huge variety of items – each made for a specific operation!
Imagine making life easier by having the right tool!

APPLY this to all areas of life – & start by finding out what’s available – what are your options in a given situation. While there are realistic limits to our capacities & to what we can afford, they’re NOT nearly as narrow as we believe.  Of course with Amazon, eBay, Google…. – just about anything can be delivered!😀 Anyway – in T.E.A. terms, Emotions also come in a wide range, many ways to Think about something & a variety of ways to DO things.

The latter can certainly apply to small daily choices like what to wear or eat —> all the way to big ones like where to live, which job & relationship to pick or stay in…. One teacher repeats month after month: “Don’t be negative, just be open!” – a new rule to live by.

5. INVENTORIES
a. Venn Diagram Inventory
PURPOSE: to get an overview of where you stand on any aspect of your life right now
USE: You can make the chart into a colláge, use the computer or just free-hand it on a large sheet of paper

The biggest circle (Spirituality) is the background to our whole life.  EACH person’s Diagram will look different.
If you’re ambitious or curious, you can make one for where you were 10 or 20 yrs ago, as a comparison.

• Think about all the areas of your life, & decide their relevant importance to you at present. Change or add any not listed.
• Draw / cut the size circle for each topic as it relates to their current importance

• Play with the positions of circles…. change them around until the chart feels right. Place them close to, overlapping or far away from each other, depending on how they connect in real life

• Label circles, & draw lines to form pie wedges in each one.
— You decide how many lines (slices) based on how many problems & victories for each – you’ll probably have to guess-timate
IMP: each slice represents an issue related to the circle’s topic

a. Fill in a slice for any aspect of that topic you’re confident you have a good handle on (never perfectly)
EXP: fill in all pie pcs of Addiction circle = No longer use drugs & alcohol

b. For any other – Zig-zag or cross hatch slices that are aspects you’re still working on but making progress. The degree of progress in one may be different than in another slice. Make zig-zag density accordingly
EXP: Get to places on time more often

AND THEN: Most likely there will always be one or more empty slices – representing:
c. Grey– things about a topic you know need correcting / making a change but are not ready / willing to tackle

d. Blanks – problems / challenges about that topic you simply don’t know you need to work on – yet

NEXT: What to do…. #6

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: what to do when…. #3

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
1. GOALS
2. SIMPLIFY

3. PRIORITIZE
In most of our families – every experience carried equal weight – always boring & unavailable OR dramatic & dangerous. So we never got a chance to learn ‘sane’ ways of accomplishing things, which would include: Having options, nuances & small chunks…. (Part 2),
AND —
Prioritizing activities – what needs to be done, & in what order?
1. Most urgent first (a health issue, work project, returning a call….)
2. Housekeeping, maintenance – pick one thing each day & do it
3. Relaxation, entertainment & hobby – pick one thing a week & do it

When there are several tasks, ask yourself:
= What will take the longest to do? How much time do I have right now?
= What’s the hardest for me? Will I need help to accomplish it?
= Do I have to decide something right now? or have time to consider
= Which one will I have to study for, & what’s the purpose?

OR ask the boss : immediately (past due), in the near future (this month), in the next few months, or whenever you can fit it in. Al-anon teaches us to ask: “How important is it?”- literally!compulsion

• This can be hard for ACoAs to answer—
— if the goal, task, activity… is strictly for ourself. After all, no self-respecting co-dependent is self-motivated 😟. We can move mountains for others but not even a pebble for ourself!
— AND when the WIC. has a lot of anxiety & wants to do something – immediately, the self-destructive way, to douse the fires of old terror

• Will taking this action AND/OR spending this money create problems in taking care of my other needs ? (protecting my kid from more abandonment & abuse, caring for my health, paying rent, food, meds or other bills)
• If the answer is YES – then think twice about taking that action.  If the impulse is very strong, call someone who can help you deal with the painful EMOTIONS behind the anxiety pushing you. Do an Al-Anon phone meeting, pray or meditate, go to the gym, read soothing literature, take a walk ….

Once you’ve been able to made a priority list, only do one thing on it – especially if that’s all the time you have. If that one thing also needs to be cut down into chunks, do one & then mark it off the list.
Seeing tasks ticked off can be satisfying, & encourages us to continue, the next day / next time. High powered executives only do a few things at the top of their list every day. Of course most of us don’t have a staff to do the little stuff, but REMEMBER – without inner conflict most things take a lot of less time than we think!

4. OPTIONS
One of the many reasons ACoAs have trouble making decisions is that we either don’t know that we have alternative choices, or we’re not allowed to make use of any options we’re aware of. We’re stuck following a pre-set course & nothing else is possible – for us!

EXP: It always amazed Bonita that some women could just walk out on a date if they didn’t like how it was going – more than one women in a restaurant has excused herself “to the bathroom” & then snuck out the back. What a concept!
In her younger days she never would have thought of that, much less done it. As a small child she was trapped in many situations, forced to sit alone in a church pew, at a dinner table, in a stranger’s home – without moving or causing trouble. “Children should be seen & not heard”.

• ACoAs are known for only thinking in B & W. Our traumatized WIC still doesn’t know there are ‘gray’ areas/ possibilities, & certainly doesn’t believe there are any actual positive, pleasant, safe options for us. We see ALL situations & people as scary, that have to be white-washed to make tolerable, because we aren’t allowed to leave when they really are bad for us. “Should I get a divorce or have a dinner party?” asked one very distraught ACoA woman. Hmmm.

NEXT: What  to DO when… (#5)

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

ONCE I HAVE ENOUGH INFO –
I can make a better decision

PREVIOUS: What to do …(Part 2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

💠 ACTIONS : UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
1. GOALS
Before anything else we need to know what our goal is. Oh no! That means having permission, knowing our needs & letting our ADULT choose the actions.
What’s your bottom line GOAL? Are you pursuing it or still protecting your Negative Benefits?  EXPs:
• re. GOING OUT goal: is it to stop being so lonely & risk being disappointed, but maybe gain friendship, good info, new opportunities ….
OR is it to protect yourself at all cost by hiding out & continue starving!?

• WORK goal : is it to do a job search, no matter how long it takes, to find something more suitable & better paying
OR stay in a place you’ve outgrown or hate, so you don’t have to make the effort of improving your life?

• SELF-CARE goal : is it to gain a sense of personal power & get needs met (no matter how small),
OR is it to wait endlessly for someone else to come along & rescue you?

• ASKING QUESTIONS goal : is it to get help, knowledge, attention….
OR is it having to always be right, to know everything, to be ‘self-sufficient’?

• STANDING UP for yourself goal : is it to get a need met, without anger
OR suffer in silence & stay resentful?

• RELATIONSHIPS goal : is it to work toward & eventually leave a dead-end or destructive relationship that continually hurts you (even tho it may bring up pain in the short-term – but in the end be a relief, an opportunity to heal & the freedom to choose better next time)
OR is it to stay there endlessly, & be in denial that it keeps adding to your low self-esteem, generates more humiliation, anger, sadness….?

2. SIMPLIFY
Small chunks – practice chopping down any task into bite size actions, based on what you can swallow at the moment. ACoAs are in the habit of being overwhelmed by goals in general, & by some that no one can possibly do all at once, but for some insane reason we think we should be able to!
In spite of the fact that current reality is usually not as grim as our childhood was – we still opt for staying overwhelmed rather than simplify whatever is going on in the present, right?

terrifiedClearly – that attitude comes from the WIC’s beliefs–
• who is terrified of breaking any of the Toxic family Rules because if we actually got things accomplished & our needs met via reasonably sized actions – that would trigger the ‘inevitable’ punishment of abandonment, from family or anyone else (RULES: “Must always struggle but never get there”, “Don’t outshine us”, “All risks are dangerous”)….
AND
• who is still convinced we don’t know how to do anything! since we were expected to know & do all sort of impossible things even as very small children, without anyone bothering to show us how or being a good example! Many of us got the message “Just do it!”

EXP: Anyone remember the 1980’s TV show “The Greatest American Hero”?  A high school teacher was given a super-hero costume by aliens, with the manual, which he lost in the shock of the encounter. Each episode was about how he had to figure out how to use the suit & all the trouble it / he caused because he didn’t know how it worked. Sounds a lot like our lives!
BUT also
• who refuses to acknowledge all the years of accumulated knowledge & experience we HAVE gathered along the way since those early harrowing days, because then he/she would lose an excuse for waiting to be rescued!

NEXT: What to do when….. #4

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

ONCE I HAVE ENOUGH INFO –
I can make a better decision

PREVIOUS: What to do when Confused, #1 –

SITE: “A Cure for Confusion”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev

SUGGESTION : save “My Rights” & “New Rules” posts to all devices, & read them every day until they become second-nature

Reminder : Confusion (C) is a mental state – not an emotional one, even tho’ we usually say “I feel confused”. We can be confused about emotions – but that’s from not knowing how to think about / understand them. (See ACoAs & Confusion #1)

ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION
FIRST – on no account beat yourself up for anything you have or have not been able to do. It’s not productive – AND it’s child abuse! Never expect yourself to have the PERFECT answer, or DO the perfect thing. EVER!

This topic is about behavior – the problem of not knowing which option to choose when in a dilemma. It can be:
– relatively small, short-term or a daily occurrence
– something you’ve been struggling with for a long time
– something that has surfaced in your life recently
– a really serious, life-altering choice you need to make

• Al-Anon says:
“Take the action & let go of the results”, another hard thing for ACoAs to do. ‘Letting go’ is not in our vocabulary. Because of the WIC’s fear that the whole world is unsafe – like our family – we try to control every outcome.

BUT danger is not the only possibility now, in spite of all the bad things that do happen in the world that we can’t fix.
Not EVERY situation or person is safe (idealized) NOR dangerous (devalued). We can search out good people & positive circumstances once the WIC & PP are no longer in charge!

EXP: Telling someone you don’t want to do something, or forgetting to make a call…. is NOT as dangerous as walking alone thru the Central Park at night, or depending on a narcissist – for anything…. Unfortunately, many of us are more afraid of the former than the latter!

• Train yourself to ASK, ASK, ASK for info about things you don’t know, & to clarify who other people are, how they think, what they meant by a comment, what they want (from you), what they have already done or are planning to do about a problem of theirs…..

• Stay present – watch & listen – pay attention to how others do things, what their motives are, what alternatives they have made use of… & consider whether any of it can be applied to your life. Then try it out. This is not just to be a copy-cat.

Whatever you observe has to be tailored to who you are.
The best way to learn how you function in the world is by trial & error – once you have enough info & a decent support system to guide you. Try out 2-3 different ways to say or do something, & then evaluate the results

• In most cases you can change your mind before or even during an activity without major repercussions, so decisions don’t have to be written in stone. Keep a dated log of difficult actions you took, & the outcomes.
ALWAYS have PLAN B. in case Plan A. doesn’t work out.

• IF you still can’t take a particular action, keep working on :
– negative beliefs, & the anxiety they create
– the connection to your PP (too strong) AND
– with your WIC & HEALTHY CHILD (not strong enough)
– validating your needs & hopes, while practicing with boundaries

EXERCISE: To separate & identify confusing / conflicting Emotions : stop, breathe deeply & feel the sensation in your body – what’s authentic for you about the situation?  (More….) and (More...) and (More….)

NEXT: What to DO…. (Part 2)