PREVIOUS: Confusion – Growth #5c
SITE: “A Cure for Confusion”
See ACRONYM page for abbrev
Reminder : Confusion (C) is a mental state – not an emotional one, even tho we usually say “I feel confused”. We can be confused about emotions – but that’s from not knowing how to think about / understand them. (See ACoAs & Confusion #1)
ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION
FIRST – on no account beat yourself up for anything you have or have not been able to do. It’s not productive – AND it’s child abuse! Never expect yourself to have the PERFECT answer, or DO the perfect thing. EVER!
This topic is about behavior – the problem of not knowing which option to choose when in a dilemma. It can be:
– relatively small, short-term or a daily occurrence
– something you’ve been struggling with for a long time
– something that has surfaced in your life recently
– a really serious, life-altering choice you need to make
• Al-Anon says:
“Take the action & let go of the results”, another hard thing for ACoAs to do. ‘Letting go’ is not in our vocabulary. Because of the WIC’s fear that the whole world is unsafe – like our family – we try to control every outcome.
BUT danger is not the only possibility now, in spite of all the bad things that do happen in the world, which we can’t fix.
Not EVERY situation or person is safe (idealized) NOR dangerous (devalued). We can search out good people & positive circumstances once the WIC & PP are no longer in charge!
EXP: Telling someone you don’t want to do something, or forgetting to make a call…. is NOT as dangerous as walking alone thru the Central Park at night, or depending on a narcissist – for anything…. Unfortunately, many of us are more afraid of the former than the latter!
• Train yourself to ASK, ASK, ASK for info about things you don’t know, & to clarify who other people are, how they think, what they meant by a comment, what they want (from you), what they have already done or are planning to do about a problem of theirs…..
• Stay present – watch & listen – pay attention to how others do things, what their motives are, what alternatives they have made use of… & consider whether any of it can be applied to your life. Then try it out. This is not just to be a copy-cat.
Whatever you observe has to be tailored to who you are.
The best way to learn how you function in the world is by trial & error – once you have enough info & a decent support system to guide you. Try out 2-3 different ways to say or do something, & then evaluate the results
• In most cases you can change your mind before or even during an activity without major repercussions, so decisions don’t have to be written in stone. Keep a dated log of difficult actions you took, & the outcomes.
ALWAYS have PLAN B. in case Plan A. doesn’t work out.
• IF you still can’t take a particular action, keep working on:
– negative beliefs, & the anxiety they create
– the connection to your PP (too strong) AND
– with your WIC & HEALTHY CHILD (not strong enough)
– validating your needs & hopes, while practicing with boundaries
EXERCISE: To separate & identify confusing / conflicting Emotions : stop, breath deeply & feel the sensation in your body – what’s authentic for you about the situation? (More….) and (More...) and (More….)
NEXT: What to DO…. (Part 2)