Author: dmtorbi

OUR SENSES & LEARNING – Intro – #1b

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

SO MUCH TO SEE & DO
so much to learn



PREVIOUS:

 Sensory Learning (#1)

SITE: “Sensory Integration”
• “Understanding Temperament – Sensory Sensitivity ”
• “ Arousal & Anxiety”


Learning STYLES vs Multiple Intelligences (MI)
Both are considered ways we learn. However,
• INPUT: Styles identify the broad-strokes-way we gather & store information, using our 5 senses, while —
• OUTPUT: MI (9 posts) identify specific ways we express ourself, having absorbed information via the various senses. (MORE…… excellent comparison)

🔸STYLES : Learning Styles identify how each of us is most comfortable learning & retaining new information. They indicate how we gather, sift through, interpret, organize, come to conclusions about, & “store” information for further use. Everyone has their own mixture of strengths & preferences, but usually one is dominant

We use all sensory channels to some degree, but the most valued are those we use on a regular basis – from birth – to bring information into conscious. FAST learners incorporate all 3 main modalities (eyes, ears, body). Even so, our dominant style can help us excel, & can compensate for the less developed ones.

While we all have the same basic brain structures, how these parts work can vary greatly. If we carefully pay attention to how our brain ‘likes’ to receive information & in what form, we can better understand & make sense of what we experience, which helps to improve learning.
EXP: One person sleeps better on their side, another does better on their stomach…..

Research shows that each learning style uses different parts of the brain. By involving more of the brain during learning, the more we remember. Info gathered thru our specific style of sensory input affects the way we internally ‘see’ our experiences, & the way we recall facts, even to the words we choose. It allows for more efficient ways to learn, whether formally in school, or daily from relationships or at work.

Brain-imaging has found the relevant brain areas
Aural: Temporal lobes. The right lobe is especially important for music
Logical: Parietal lobes drive logical thinking, especially the left side

Physical: Cerebellum & the motor cortex (back of frontal lobe) handle much of our physical movement
Social: Frontal & Temporal lobes handle much of our social activities. The Limbic system (with the Hippocampus) also influences both social & solitary styles, as it deals with emotions, moods & aggression

Solitary: Frontal and Parietal lobes, & the limbic system
Verbal: Temporal & Frontal lobes, especially 2 specialized areas = Broca’s & Wernicke’s (left side of these two lobes).
Visual: Occipital lobes at the back of the brain. Both Occipital & parietal lobes manage spatial orientation.

🔹AROUSAL : Successful sensory processing (gathering info thru the senses) is strongly linked to emotional well-being, governed by the ’Sensory Threshold’ – our point of initial contact with a stimulus.
‘For most of us, this threshold is high enough that we can tolerate the complexity & stimulation of our environment, & low enough that we can notice new input & subtle changes around us.’ (INSIDE OUT, slide 21)

A suitable amount of sensing allows us to achieve & maintain optimal arousal levels – a combination of alertness, situational awareness, vigilance, level of distraction, stress & direction of attention. (See “Inside Out” slide 18)

In effect, arousal is how ready a person is to perform appropriate tasks in a timely, effective manner:
• Top-down (cortical inhibition) – uses strategies such as thinking & self-talk to stay on task
• Bottom Up (cerebellum inhibition) – is heavy work with muscles & joints, which regulates arousal & so promotes focus & attention

a. LOW arousal will limit general interactions, cause depressed emotions & prevent forming primary attachments (parents, mates, children, friends….)
— Extreme under-arousal can cause unconsciousness, possibly from tiredness, fatigue, hypoxia, poisoning or illnesses.

b. HIGH arousal can show up as hypersensitivity from too much input (especially for Introverts), such as noise, touch, crowds, social anxiety….. Also, low self-confidence, feeling inadequate, constant frustration…..

— Extreme over-arousal can be seen in a range of symptoms specific to the individual, the environment, the task & other factors. This may include : aggression, irrational behavior, mood swings, panic, resignation, submission, withdrawal,  or unconsciousness. (MORE….)

NEXT: Sensory Learning (#1c)

OUR SENSES & LEARNING – Intro #1a

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

learning styles

I USE MY WHOLE BODY
to understand the world

PREVIOUS: “They did the best they could”#3

SITE : “Mapping the Hidden Sixth Sense….”    (how we find meaning)

SENSORY EXPERIENCES for Learning
We’re born with 2 essential skills: our reflexes & our senses.
We learn when the mind is able to put together input from all senses, which make connections with past information. The brain is always working, just as lungs breathe automatically, not stopping unless there’s major interference.

Children are active learners who need to be involved in activities using as many senses as possible. They listen to & watch adults around them, language being the glue that helps them make sense of it all. This complex of sensory information allows us to create relationships with our environment  – physically, mentally & emotionally. So children need to grow up in a world that’s beautiful to smell, hear & look at.

multi-sensory gameJean Piaget, a 20th century Swiss psychologist, described the learning process of babies & toddlers :
• From the moment of birth onward, information comes in to the brain through firsthand experiences with things, people & feelings, depending entirely on the senses of vision, hearing, touch, smell & taste.

• The brain continually assimilates (gathers & digests) information, adding all new input to what it already knows.  Around 12-18 months old, children become able to form mental pictures of things, people & feelings. At this point, they start talking in their native language, which is actually a system of symbols (images). Their brains are now ready to use this existing knowledge to form new ideas, called accommodation.

For the next several years children continue to learn by depending mainly on their senses & firsthand experiences, rather than language. Gradually they’re able to picture the consequences of future events & actions in a more adult-like fashion.

• Intellectual Potential is built on our genetic heritage, but can’t be entirely predicted at birth. It’s development during the rest of life is a constant combination of assimilation & accommodation, an upward spiral through a series of stages & sub-stages, making higher & higher levels of learning possible as we adapt to our environment.
Therefore, our sensory environment will make an important difference in our lifelong learning ability. (from “Keys to Great Parenting”)

primary assoc.Sensory input from the outside is constantly bombarding us. We need this info for the brain to develop & continue to function properly. Although there’s still much more to learn about brain function, research suggests we may be able to use input to improve neural circuitry & thus neural plasticity – the ability of the brain to form new connections, which can continue throughout our life.

The Association Cortex is outside of the primary areas of the surface of our brain. It’s essential for mental functions that are more complex than the parts which use primary sensory areas.  All the senses – except for smell – are filtered by the brain stem before being sent to other areas, info which is then:
sense & thalamus
• Screened out or ignored if it isn’t important or meaningful
EXP: Dust particles in the air are all around us, but we tend not to see them unless they’re in the sunlight, or when there are too many of them

• Noticed & assigned relevant importance, so the info is sent to the appropriate area of the brain for a response
EXP: A car honks at us & we look to see if we need to do anything about it

• Habituated or eventually ignored if the input is constant or doesn’t change much over time.  EXP: Wearing a watch or ring. (MORE….)

Senses allow us to learn, to protect ourself & enjoy the world. They detect stimuli – anything that causes a reaction in a living organism (pain, heat, sound, chemicals….). When something is detected, receptor cells in the appropriate sensory organ are triggered, generating impulses transmitted through the nerve to the brain. The brain’s interpretation of this info will tell us how to respond.
If one sense is not working due to birth defect, accident or illness, other senses will take over or become stronger to make up for the missing one(s).
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↗️  DIAGRAM : How the brain takes in information from the environment & processes it.  ~ David Sousa & Patricia Wolfe (2001)

NEXT: Sensory Learning – Arousal (# 1b)

Weak DECISION Styles (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

I’LL RISK EVERYTHING –
to feel that ‘high’

PREVIOUS: Bad Decision Styles – #2

 

PART 3: Last 6 of 18 types of unsound decision-making (D.M.) styles & their corrections (no known source).  While these types represent dysfunction, they’re based on each person’s native approach to life, with the addition of an unhealthy upbringing.

Some EFFECTS of bad D.M. = WE :
• compromise ourself – our self-worth, values, needs….
• don’t get what we say we want, so we can obey our Toxic Rules
• do get what they want, but at the expense of others, damaging our relationships
• experience physical symptoms, aches and pains, major illness
• have to learn lessons the hard way instead of making life easier
• we hurt, disappoint, ‘abandon’ people we care about & love
• get in trouble with authorities, the law, go to jail
• suffer unnecessary financial distress, debt, loss of valuable property
AND THEY
• are a waste of our precious life, talents, abilities, potential….
• can cause many lost important opportunities, with some that can’t be retrieved
• can create  unnecessary financial distress, debt, loss of valuable property
• they generate anxiety, distress, shame, guilt, self-hate….
• may lead to accidents, permanent injuries, death
• waste a lot of time, either doing unnecessary things or having to cleanup a mess later

Allowing for NUANCESconsequences
🔆  Most decisions are NOT written in stone, so they’re not forever, even tho’ some do have far-reaching consequences, so it’s wise to strive for ‘sane’, healthy, adult choices as often as possible.
• ACoAs tend to lump all types of decisions together – all are huge, impossible, overwhelming, undo-able — we think ALL have equal importance & equal consequences. NOT SO!

REALITY : D.M. is inherently circular, since most are made by moving back & forth between available alternatives.
These are influenced by the criteria we apply to them, & vice versa = the criteria we set influence the alternatives we consider. EXP  :
a. the characteristics we want our choice to meet (the ‘new’ car should be small, used & inexpensive but not worn out)
b. identifying the possibilities we can choose from  (where we live, how much money we have, our knowledge about used cars…)

We can divide decisions into (at least) 3 levels of importance & intensity. It can be argued than any choice can cause a big problem OR have a great benefit, but if we use our Adult observations & experience we can have a general sense of what to expect, as long as we don’t limit our thinking to what happened in our childhood.

Use these suggestions to make your own outline.
♠︎ SMALL-ish Decisions: where to do for dinner, what to wear, when to talk to someone, to go or not go to a party, which errands to do when, buying something for the house…..
♠︎ MEDIUM Decisions: Where to go on vacation, what diet to use, to go back to school, change accountants, redecorate, get a new car….
♠︎ BIG Decision: change careers, get married or leave a relationship, move to a different city or country, stop using drugs / alcohol / cigarettes, start going to therapy, have a needed operation…..

✶ The more we come to believe “I KNOW WHAT I KNOW”, trusting our intuition & judgment, the easier the process of D.M. becomes.
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NEXT :  Our Sense & Learning, INTRO #1a

Weak DECISION Styles (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

IT’LL ALL TURN OUR GREAT –
no matter what they say!

PREVIOUS: Bad Decision Styles – #1

 

PART 2: Next 6 of 18 types of unsound decision making (D.M.) styles & their corrections. (No known source).
While these types represent dysfunction, they’re based on each person’s native approach to life, with the addition of an unhealthy upbringing.

4 general Categories of D.M.
✥ By Command – made without input from anyone else
✥ By Consultation – inviting & include input from others
✥ By Vote – discuss options & then call for a vote, majority rules
✥ By Consensus – keep talking until everyone agrees on one outcome

Warning SIGNALS that:
a. you’re about to make a weak, unhealthy or dangerous decision (interchange a. & b.)  = WHEN YOU : 
• are exhausted, sick, emotionally distressed or overwhelmed
• are not willing to change your mind when a situation changes
• base your choice only on fear, anxiety & low-self-esteembad choices
• don’t plan for dealing with difficult people or unexpected events
YOU :
• don’t consider the bigger context, or the possible consequences to you or to others
• ignore available information (newer, easier) that would help you make a better choice about a person or situation
• only think of what you want & how you feel, ignoring everyone else
• twist yourself to fit other people’s expectations of how you should behave, conform to peer pressure or automatically agree with the majority (being overly dependent on others)

b. you have made a weak, unhealthy or dangerous decision = WHEN YOU :
• acted before you were ready or before the time was right
• based a decision on what you thought you should do, rather than what was right for your True Self & the current situation
• chose a way of doing something so you wouldn’t have to ask for help
• didn’t do anything even tho’ it was important to act
YOU :
• ignored glaring problems or important factors that you did know about a situation
• ignored hints that told you something was wrong or there was too much uncertainty
• made a choice using familiar CDs, such as B & W thinking
• picked an action based on “well at least I” ……have a job, don’t look stupid, have a boyfriend, am safe, to available information — which comes from a poverty or victim mentality
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NEXT :  Weak  Decisions , #3

Weak DECISION Styles (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

NO MATTER WHAT I PICK –
it’ll always be wrong!

PREVIOUS: Procrastinators Anon Tools

POST : Purpose of Emotions : DECISIONS

 

PART 1 = First 6 of 18 types of un-sound decision-making (D.M.) styles & their corrections. (No known source).
While these types all represent dysfunction, people gravitate to one of these as a reflection of their inborn approach to life, along with an unhealthy upbringing.
❣️ Healthy (adult ego state) D.M. is the process of :
— identifying & choosing alternatives, based on our core values & preferences, and
— reducing enough uncertainty & doubt about our options to give us the freedom to pick the best one at the momen

• ACoAs have a lot of trouble making decisions – no matter what our personal style is . This deficiency has nothing to do with our basic intelligence, only our damage.
An apparent exception are those in the Hero / Rescuer family role – who seem to be able to make decisions easily & continuously. But the hidden worm in the fruit is that :
— they only do it on behalf of others , as co-dependents / people pleasers
— decisions made for themself are rare & usually unhealthy

❀  WHY we have trouble with D.M.
NOT :  
• having a clear identity (who am I, how do I present myself, what do I need or want….)
• having enough or the correct information to decide accurately!
• having permission to change our mind – about anything!
•  realizing we have options to choose from, or better options than we think we have bad decisions
• trusting the knowledge, judgment & experience we’ve gathered throughout our adult life
AND
• afraid of taking risks, asking for help, getting good things
• being in denial about what we know regarding a person or situation
• co-dependence = wanting to please everyone, all the time
• fear of making the wrong choice – thinking that the wrong one will have life & death consequences, or result in severe punishment or self-hate,
• growing up with a series of double-binds (paralyzes us)
• letting the WIC (wounded inner child) be in charge of considering what to do, who either acts impulsively or is stuck / paralyzed
• using CDs (cognitive distortions) in thinking about a problem

➼ As we Recover, some of these reasons melt away, some diminish & some we struggle with throughout life – & which is which will be different for each of us..
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NEXT : Weak Styles, #2

Procrastinators Anon TOOLS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , ,

PREVIOUS: RE-ORGANIZED pages

 

THESE TOOLS ARE GREAT.
I’ll try them later!

PREVIOUS: ACoAS & Procrastination (#5)

POSTS:  “ACoAs & Procrastination” / / “Weak Decision Styles”


Procrastinators-Anonymous.org – “a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.”
TOOLS for RECOVERY
1. Break It Down: Break down projects into specific action steps. Include preparation tasks in the breakdown

2. Visualize: Plan what to do, then imagine yourself doing it. The more specific & vivid the visualization, the better. See yourself doing the task, and doing it well.

3. Ask Yourself Why: While you’re visualizing doing the task, see if you can detect what it is about it that feels awful  to you, & what uncomfortable emotions you’re avoiding. Knowing what’s behind the avoidance can help you get past it so you can address real problems & ignore irrational fears.

4. Focus on Long-Term Consequences: Procrastinators have a tendency to focus on short-term pleasure, & shut out awareness of long-term consequences. Remind yourself how panicked & awful you’ll feel if the task isn’t done, then imagine how good it will feel when the task is finished.

5. Avoid Time Binging: One reason procrastinators dread starting is that once they start they don’t let themself stop. Plan to work on a task for a defined period of time, then set a timer. When the timer goes off, you’re done for now. putting it off

6. Use Small Blocks of Time: Procrastinators often have trouble doing tasks in incremental steps, SO wait for big blocks of time that never come. When you have small ones, use them to work on the task at hand

7. Avoid Perfectionism: Procrastinators have a tendency to spend more time on a task than it requires,  SO tasks that should be quick to do take an agonizingly long time. Notice this tendency & stop yourself. Some things require completion, not perfection.

8. Keep a Time Log: Increase your awareness of time by logging what you are doing throughout the day. This is a great diagnostic tool for discovering where your time went, & an excellent way to become better at estimating how long tasks take.

9. Develop Routines: To help structure your day and make a habit of things you always need to do, develop routines for what to do when you wake up, regular tasks of your workday, & what needs to be done before bedtime.

10. Bookend Tasks and Time: Use the Bookending board on the P.A. Web site to check in throughout the day, or at the beginning or end of specific tasks you are dreading.

Please visit Procrastinators-Anonymous.org for more info.  Details are at the top of the Bookending board.  AS A REMINDER:

putting off cartoon

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NEXT: WEAK Decision Styles, #1

RE-ORGANIZED Site-Map Pages

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , ,

file drAwer

PREVIOUS:
Procrastination (Part 6)

 

TOO MUCH?

Some readers have expressed a sense of  overwhelm by the amount of info presented. on this blog.
(SEE also 80+ pages of website: www.acoarecovery.com)  Soverwhelmwd

When working toward any goal it’s typical of ACoAs to skip Process, but instead insist on trying to do things ‘perfectly’ & NOT use small steps or do things in orderly stages.

Then the WIC balks at the ‘bigness’ of  the task / project /  procedure – & will quit part of the way in, or procrastinate & so not get started at all.

SUGGESTION:

To get the most out of this blog – cruise thru each year (2010-2021, at top of Home Page) & just familiarize yourself with what’s available.
See what jumps out at you & only read that.

Then when Sprocessan issue comes up in your life, go back to the lists & read what applies.

Slow down enough to mull over what comes up for you.

ALWAYS take things in small chunks. The brain absorbs info better that way.

A LOT OF WORK to re-order all !
The complete listing of over 600 posts has been re-distributed (2010-2016).

Changes in site-map:

— Listed in order of topic posting, per month – rather than alphabetically

— Similar topics grouped together pr.year, as much as possible – rather
than by original writing date

— Space made between topics, or between bub-topics of a group, rather than
clumped together each month

— If something has not been ‘linked’, it means it’s a future post, in the pipeline.

Comments or corrections welcome.
THANK YOU for READING.

Donna Marie

NEXT : Procrastinators Anon TOOLS

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: Procrastination #5

 

 

PRICE for Procrastinating (P)
3. WHAT makes it hard
4. GOOD Stuff
5. BOTTOM Line (in #5)

6. FACING our INNER REACTIONS (cont)
= RESULTS of continuing to P :old vs new
• more anxiety, to the point of ulcers, migraines, auto-immune diseases, weight gain, depression….
• getting caught / ‘punished’ at work, by the IRS, angry family & friends…..
• adding to the S-H, SO we stay in league with the PP
• lose out on more income, develop an illness, pay $$ penalties, lose a good opportunity….

We expect that when we finally get something done that’s been weighing on us that we’ll feel relief – & sometimes we do.
✶ But more often – we feel anxious or just empty!  Once the obsessing is gone we’re left with the hole in our gut.
At that point ACoAs often think “Now what do I do?” Like when we have a day off with no plans, no one to take care of or obey (like a boss, parent, spouse…) ——> we don’t know what to do with our free time! Very often we do nothing, & find something else to obsess about – like the fact that we’re wasting time!

RESISTANCE
Doing things in a timely & competent manner would MEAN: fighing angel
a. Disobeying Toxic family Rules, which enrages the PP, — AND
b. Showing us that we are actually capable (without having to be perfect), which enrages the WIC, because it would force us to give up the demand (& fantasy) of one day being taken care of by someone else – finally!

7. OUTGROWING Procrastination
a. INNER ACCEPTANCE
• admit that our damage is behind the procrastination & make a diligent effort to find out what our issues are
• know the difference between what the WIC & PP want VS. what is good for us – using the “Unit” as guide
• deal with our double binds, fear of A. & fear of success
• be willing – to be willing! – to relinquish the demand that someone else take care of us, in place of ourself
• OWN that we have always had abilities & skills (observational & intuitive, thinking & feeling…) which we were born with, even at our most dysfunctional, we just didn’t know how to use them correctly

b. OUTER ACTIONS
• find out what our realistic options are in any given situation, which means learning from others what’s possible in the real world
• be able to ask for help when needed (information, emotional support, connections, referrals ….)
• be OK with getting praise & rewards, feeling successful, happy, empowered…..
process➼ Know and be able to handle :
• making mistakes, without self-judgment or giving up
• emotional discomfort & disappointment
• that process takes time
• that not everyone will be supportive, but to keep looking for those who can & will
• making changes in our ‘style‘. Much of what we believe is our ‘personality‘ is our False Self
• that not everything works out, but that doesn’t mean we’ve done something wrong, or the universe is against us
• that if we’re ‘in the flow’, getting what we want comes in Higher Power’s good time

c. INVENTORY – Divide actions into those you :
make notes• need to take (work, self-care, chores, obligations…)
• want to take (relaxing, playing, creating, dating…)
THEN
Identify what’s causing your resistance to pursuing each activity :
• the toxic beliefs (Ts)
• the painful emotions (Es) you’re avoiding, but not actually feeling

Keep the lists of activities available to look at when you have free time. Pick one from each list & do at least something towards getting it done, even if you can’t finish!
✶ ACoAs are often afraid that if we don’t finish something in one sitting, we’ll never go back – which we’ve proven to be the case time & again. However, once we start cleaning out the damage, we don’t have to be a slave to that pattern.

d. REVIEW – Taking small steps toward any goal means to:
– Evaluate the outcome each time, taking notes
– BookEnd with the INNER child and trusted supporters
– Learn from any mistakes & make corrections
– Proceed to the next step
– Never give up. REST when needed
– Enjoy all successes, no matter how small!

NEXT: Procrastinators Anon TOOLS

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , , , ,

make notes I CAN GET THINGS DONE –
& feel good about it!

PREVIOUS: Putting things off #4


SITE: ‘Overcoming Procrastination’

BOOK: “Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength” by John Tierney, New York Times science writer, & psychologist Roy F. Baumeister.
An unconventional “self-help” book that, much like Timothy Wilson’s ‘Redirect’, grounds its insights & advice in 30 yrs of serious academic research into willfulness & self-control. While the book is fascinating in general, its 3rd chapter “A Brief History of the To-Do List, From God to Drew Carey,” is particularly interesting. (NY Times)

PROCRASTINATION (cont)
3. What makes it hard // 4. Good Stuff

5. BOTTOM LINE
 “WHY BOTHER?” underlies all our indecision & procrastination. We don’t take genuine care of ourself, no matter how busy or cocky we seem to others. On a deep level we’re paralyzed by:
a. Not knowing or having access to our healthy True Self, SO we believe we don’t know what we want or like, nor what our rights are!

b. Not being allowed to be our own internal motivator – SO our only reason to take actions has to come from outside. We have to use family, a boss, teacher, a cause, religion, a career, friends & lover relationships, AND ultimately our terror of abandonment & punishment to push ourself. Left to our own devices, we just collapse inward

c. Our Internal Conflicts :conflict
• feeling ‘safe’ vs. losing someone, being hurt or punished  (even if that safety is an illusion or self-destructive)
• the Healthy & the UNIT vs. WIC & PP
• disobeying the Toxic Rules vs. obeying them
• new ways of doing things vs. old patterns
• what we want vs. what we’re ‘supposed’ to be, do, think, feel

d. Double messages, originally forced on us by one or more adults, we had no choice but to internalize the resulting Double Binds* (simultaneous but opposing demands, with a penalty for whichever one we can’t fulfill).
EXP:
• As kids, they expected us to do for them (which may still be going on with an elderly parent), taking advantage of us to be their parent substitute – using hints, guilt, shaming, manipulation, demands, threats…. AND were angry / abusive if we did nothing (the penalty)

• BUT THEN were totally dissatisfied with & critical of whatever we did do for them, no matter how much effort we put in, what it cost us, what we had to sacrifice, how clever we were at it….
chained to rules*EITHER WAY we were/are punished. If they’re still live we compulsively keep trying – to please them, over & over. If they’re not around anymore we often find some other needy, critical person to mollify /satisfy – always with the same impossible, painful results!
YES, we’re addicted to the rejection, while maintaining the illusion that we have the power to change them, if only we try hard enough, long enough!

Ultimately, we do stopped trying – but only for ourself, because:
• we’re still waiting for them to approve of us, & give us permission to have a life of our own (to free us of their bondage, because we don’t believe we can do it ourself!)
• we’re convinced that if we failed with them (the family, also school, religion), it’s inevitably that we’ll fail with everything & everyone else, so there’s no point in trying
• we’re waiting for someone -anyone- to come & rescue us so we don’t ever have to be our own parent!

6. FACING our INNER REACTIONS
• Unfortunately, delaying inevitable responsibilities (as well as ones we’ve taken on voluntarily) creates endless obsession & self-recrimination. “”I’m just lazy by nature, I can’t do anything right, I’ll just mess it up – again” ….procratination

So why would we rather worry ourselves sick than ‘just do it’? Because WE :
• SAY it’s just a habit – but it’s really our self-hate
• think we don’t know how, even tho’ we actually do
We’re
• used to longing for things, rather than having them
• waiting to be taken care of /rescued
• staying loyal to the family by copying how those adults ‘handled’ daily actions & problems
• not allowed to do things easily, because suffering is the norm (if it’s too easy it doesn’t count)

NEXT: Procrastination #6

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , ,

self-motivationTHERE REALLY ARE THINGS
I can do to get going

PREVIOUS: Putting things off, #3

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

SITE: ‘Beating Procrastination’

 

2. NOW we put things off because of…. (in Part 3)
3. WHAT makes it HARD to act (cont)
a. Internal FEAR of // b. External FEAR of….

c. Internal & external fears can show up as :
• Putting off tasks. Many of us find that our whole life is permeated with the ‘habit’ of waiting to the last-minute to do things. It doesn’t seem to matter whether the ‘thing’ is something we would like to do or something we dread. We just put it off & off & off.

— Then comes crunch time – the deadline has caught up to us. We’re in a panic, scrambling to do the task, but now it’s going to be half-baked. We don’t have enough time to do a thorough job, don’t read the instruction correctly (or at all), leave out or miss something. And by leaving it to the last minute it can never be done right
— OR the deadline has past & we don’t get the benefit of a discount, miss a class or a needed product, a reunion, a party….

worried▶ Of course we’re painfully aware of all this, but as long as we’re stuck:
— we’re full of anxiety & S-H for not doing it Perfectly
— we scare ourself with dire projections & predictions about how we’re going to get judged, punished, fired…. &
— hate ourself for letting a desired or favorable opportunity pass by

💔 But, like any good addict, we’ll do it the same way all over again, & again! WHAT? How can this be an addiction? WELL…. in this case it’s the addiction to: Fear + Adrenalin + S-H = Drama. This formula has become so much a part of our life since childhood that we keep doing things (or not) to re-enforce the chemical surges it creates.

Yet under this self-inflicted ‘excitement’, the WIC is just trying to protect itself the only way it knows how – by NOT doing anything. Yet it’s not enough to just label it as part of our ACoA damage, which it is. We need to know how it all got started (Past) & how we perpetuate it (Present).

4. GOOD Stuff can deter us too – we often sabotage ourself when things get too good! from:
• fear of success, since that would disobey basic Toxic Rules, & we’d have a lot of grownup responsibility, which the WIC believes it can not handle – even tho’ our adult part can/could

• not allowed to be happy, based on the belief that life is -only & always- hard, AND that we aren’t worthy of having good things anyway
• stay loyal to the family by not out-doing them, SO we must also be a failure, don’t show them up, stay in the family mobile, don’t rock the boat…

• can’t be decisive : sometimes there are places we think we should go to but really didn’t like, or we don’t feel well, or want to do something else, or do nothing at all…. even when it’s potentially pleasurable or beneficial

But we aren’t allowed to say NO to the inner Pressure-er (“what will they think if I don’t show up? / what if I miss out on something / maybe this will have the perfect answer to all my problems?….”). SO instead of firmly deciding Yes or No, we dither & obsess, do nothing & then hate ourselvesindecisive

• are never supposed to say NO to what someone else suggests, offers, wants – especially if it’s good for us. Besides “Why do they want to be with me? Why are they being so nice?” So for those times we don’t rush to people-please, we make promises we eventually flake out on, make excuses or just lie, until people get angry &/or give up on us.
— That comes both as a relief – of pressure, and a big pain – of yet again feeling ‘abandoned’! Trapped in our own no-win game, we blame others AND are filled with self-abuse

NEXT: ACoAs & Procrastination #5