acoas: procrastination

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , ,

mananaMAÑANA, MAÑANA
I want to, but just can’t get going!

PREVIOUS: “Putting things off” Part 2

SITE : Procrastination CYCLE   (& chart)

POST: “Why are you Stuck?”

 

2. NOW we put things off because of:
❓Feelings  // ❓ Knowledge

✳️ ULTIMATELY – we put things off :
a. so we won’t feel so alone – that inner loneliness of not having nurturing parents growing up! Being our own caretaker, being competent – even in small things – is an emotional reminder of how terribly empty we always felt as kids – no one to guide (only bully), no one to comfort (only control), no one to encourage (only shame)…. inner aloneness

• Instead of doing something positive now, all that wasted time spent worrying, obsessing about things we’re not getting done actually serves a purpose for the WIC : it fills up the hole inside – where good parents should be – the Inner Supporters we never had (early abandonment).

EXP: Pre-Recovery, Tina needed to replace a knob for her radio that had fallen off & was lost. She knew she had the manufacturer’s purchase list in her files, but felt a general lethargy about taking the action = all of 5 minutes to find, make the call & order the tiny part. It was several months before she did this simple task.

• In the mean time Tina had to turn the radio on & off by awkwardly using 2 fingers on the sound stub. When the part finally arrived, in a little pouch, it sat on her night table several more weeks. Eventually she ‘faced’ the great task of taking the knob out of the package & clicking it into place = less than 1 minute!
We put things off :
b. because we have a deep (usually unacknowledged) feeling of hopelessness. After all – the WIC believes that our actions are supposed to get us the love & attention we’re always craved, specifically from our parents (dead or alive!). The Child’s logic says – “since they hurt me & hated me, it has to be my fault, so I have to find a way to fix it.”

drowningBut no matter how hard we work at being the perfect son or daughter, we rarely achieve this wish. So eventually taking actions gets harder & harder. Scapegoat & Lost Child ACoAs give up trying a lot sooner than Heroes & Mascots, but they stop wanting to be loved & accepted! They just pretend they don’t care!

c. because we feel powerless to have any effect on our environment (being efficacious). We could never get our parents (& sometimes siblings) to notice us, listen to us, take us seriously, consider or feelings & needs. So why would we be able to influence anyone else in the world? If we have no ability to influence, then why even try to DO anything?

3. WHAT makes it HARD to act
a. Internal FEAR of —
• not knowing how to do something (even tho we’re actually very smart, clever, creative, knowledgeable)
• not knowing what to say when challenged or attacked
• looking weak, needy, incompetent, lazy, stupid…..
• not doing everything Perfectly (a form of S-H)
• having to stand up for ourselfstandup
• making the ‘wrong’ choice, when having several options, or many demands on us at the same time
• having to feel the loneliness & pain of our original abandonment

b. External FEAR of —
• asking for help when we really need it
• being judged harshly by anyone (the way we do to ourself)
• being interrupted & lose our train of thought /activity
• getting disappointed, hurting or angering someone
• having to deal with difficult people
• having to make everyone else happy (not be in pain) but resenting it

These can show up as:
• Can’t motivate ourself – to have a life of our own, following our dreams, leaving bad relationships, moving to a better location….!
• Not being able to decide what to do first, when we have several options, or what to do at all (like with free time)
• Starting things (refinishing a pc. of furniture, art work, a book, even relationships…) but never / rarely finishing anything – IF it’s for ourself

NEXT: Procrastination  Part 4

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

overwhelmed I’M OVERWHELMED
so I don’t do anything

PREVIOUS : Procrastination,#1

SITE: Potential Cost of Procrastination  (w/ charts, & re. Money)

QUOTE: “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” ~ Marthe Troly-Curtin


1. PAST Causes of Procrastination (cont)
f. Being put down  // g. dismissed or devalued
h. never (or rarely) acknowledged

i. Double Messages, leaving us ‘feeling’ crazy – adults who constantly gave us confusing or conflicting messages about what was expected of us, or how to do things, SO now we don’t trust our judgement

j  Expected &/or forced to take care of them, never allowed to focus on our personality,, SO now we refuse to use all that experience & creativity for ourself, wanting someone else to do it for us. Been there, done that!

yelled atk. Punished (insults, being hit, yelled at, sent to our room, made fun of, threatened….) – for having need, wants & emotions, as well as for not doing everything the ‘right’ way, ie. their way, or just not knowing how to do something – even tho’ we were too young, untrained & inexperienced, but they expected us to be mind-readers, & act like adults anyway!

l. Absorbed & took on our parent’s fear – who repeatedly warned us about the dangers of people, places & things, SO we became fearful of everything too

m. Neglected, ignored – having to fend for ourself – left alone to figure things out, when too young – not getting encouragement, guidance, ‘how to’ or just safe & loving company, which made us feel insecure & too alone.

ACoA “LOGIC”: I keep putting it off because –
• IF I ignore it long enough maybe it’ll magically go away
• I feel comforted – because not being fully functional keeps me from having to feel the abandonment pain of no one being there to teach, help or encourage me thru things when growing up

• It’s not fair that I have to do things by myself, for myself
• Since I hate doing it, I’ll wait until the very last hour or two, then cram in whatever I can manage. That way I’ll have an excuse for not doing it better (no time)
ALSO: maybe there’ll be a hail-mary save (rescued),
OR – someone usually does show up to help at the last minute (luck), so I’ll just wait

🔆     🔅     🔆
2. NOW we put things off because of:
❓FeelingsScreen Shot 2015-09-06 at 3.59.01 AM
• it reminds us of how we didn’t get helped as kids. All those ‘little’ abandonments add up to one big pain!
• automatically assume we’ll be abused, or left (A.) if we act on our own behalf

• haven’t learned how to deal with the PP voice that controls the WIC (Introject)
• we are deeply conflicted – to do or not do, to obey or disobey, to do it our way or theirs, to be separate or stay symbiotic…. Intense inner conflicts leave us paralyzed!
• afraid of ‘hurting’ others’ feelings OR having them be angry at us, which would mean getting emotionally abandoned (cut off) by them

❓ Knowledge
• we don’t know what’s actually stopping us (denial)
• anything we’ve figure out for ourself is considered either wrong or not of any value (crap)
• we never actually learned process – how to reach a goal by going thru a series of necessary steps. We look fcan't swimor instant grat, or we make a half-hearted attempt, or we take the least effective steps. When these don’t work we give up, rather than learn what actually works!

• we believe in our deepest being that anything we do has to be perfect, & not being able to that – we end up doing nothing
• don’t know how to do something AND can’t ask for help, OR feel like we have no one to ask
• afraid of what we’ll find out (outcome of a job interview, medical tests, how much is -or isn’t- in the bank…)

NEXT: “Procrastination” Part 3