What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 6)


PREVIOUS: What to do….#5

POST: “ACTIONS – healthy opposites”



REMINDER: ACoAs were trained to thinking the worst about ourselves. So doing many different kinds of inventories is crucial. Knowledge is power, & we already know a great deal (“I know what I know”), & the rest we can learn. MOST IMP – every Character list needs to be a positive one, about our core Self & what we aspire to. This is crucial to being clear-headed, the opposite of confused. (More….)

a. Venn Diagram Inventory (in Part 5)

b. Fill in the charts in theWhy are you stuck?” post
Choose responses that strengthen your True Self. Which ones:
• have value & importance to you or to the activity you’re engaged in
• are realistically do-able, at your present level of skill & Recovery
• make you feel good about yourself, especially afterward
• keep you in reality, rather in escape mode

• are the most enjoyable for your Inner Child (must be healthyassessment)
• are the least emotionally painful (if all choices will hurt) – OR
• have the least harmful consequences to yourself – AND
• benefit your personal growth / recovery the most
• break a Toxic Rule – which will empower you

c. Use this T.EA. version of “Relationship FORM A” for yourself. ⬇ Pick any topic you’re dealing with
EXP 1.  The WIC’s reaction to something the Adult wants / needs to do
EXP 2. The PP’s reaction to something the Adult wants / needs to do
EXP 3. The healthy UNIT talking to the WIC (in Part 7)

These are not dialogues, but rather info about the damage ego states.
For that see the “UNIT” posts & Lucia C’s workbook.

ME: WHEN I (the Adult) WANT TO / THINK ABOUT (A)  __________________________
CHILD or PP: I/you FEEL (E) ______________________________________
because I/you BELIEVE that (T) _______________________________________________________
SO I/you PREVENT YOU/ME (the adult) FROM _________________________________________________________________
BY (actions & words – A & T) _______________________________________________
because it’s less scary than having to:
a. FEEL (E) ________________________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH (A & T) ____________________________________________________


EXP #1 – Man with Inner Child
MAN: WHEN I WANT TO approach & talk to any woman I find very attractive

: I FEEL afraid, ashamed, embarrassed (Es)
because I BELIEVE that I’m not attractive, I’ll be awkward, won’t really know what to say, I’ll be boring, she’ll see right thru me (not lovable) ….(Ts)

SO I (WIC) PREVENT YOU (adult) from approaching an attractive woman
BY thinking I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me, “Who do you think you are…” (Ts)
because it’s less scary than having to:
a. FEEL humiliated, rejected Es)
b. and/or DEAL WITH being ignored, OR ending up with someone I’ll either have to take care of OR who will try to control me (A & T)

NOTE: The WIC comes from S-H & FoA, so believes that ALL outcomes will end up in painful abandonment, never with any successful or happy ones. Paralyzing!

QsEXP #2 – Woman with Bad Parent
WOMAN (adult): When I THINK ABOUT giving up trying to stop you from drinking:

Pig Parent
(Introject) : I churn up FoA panic & guilt in your WIC (Es)
because I (PP) remind YOU (adult-child) that it’s all your fault that I’m miserable (“Why did I have to have a kid like you!?), AND I n-e-e-e-d you (VERY confusing)
so that the kid (WIC) will stay convinced that unless you keep trying, I’ll die, & then you’ll die (Ts)

SO I (PP) PREVENT YOU (adult) from forming & maintaining your boundaries
BY making you remember how I (real mother) blame, whine, attack verbally / physically, drink more, get sick, am depressed, threaten suicide…. (As)

because it’s much safer than having to:
a. FEEL my abandonment & S-H, being lonely, helpless, incompetent….
b. &/or DEAL WITH taking care of myself, being responsible for my actions (A)

NOTE: The PP holds the actual parent’s S-H & FoA, which we =as children – picked up as a burden to carry for them – out of love. But added to our own, it pounds us into the ground.

❇ Identifying what our unhealthy inner ego states are telling us gives us clarity to counter the confusion, so our ADULT can override the self-defeating thoughts.

NEXT: What to do… #6

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