PREVIOUS : N. Levels (#3)

SITE: Narcissists ‘horrible people but happy’

Narcissists fit into:
3 schools – Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater
& 4 cadres – Victim, Somatic, Cerebral & Elite
Ns belong to both groups, but not into every combination, since some types are mutually exclusive.  (MORE….)

Narcissistic Behavior is consistent 
Unhealthy N symptoms are present – if camouflaged – in all situations, not just when they’re around certain people or when under stress. A person can be considered a N IF they have 5 or more symptoms persisting since their early 20s or before, which limit or prevent the ability to maintain healthy relationships.
ARTICLE: “N as a consequence of Trauma & Early Experiences“

Narc VICTIM Roles
The N’s overriding objective in life is finding fuel, from :
💘 a Primary Source, who the N has determined will provide it on a regular basis, of high-grade & in copious amounts. Such a person will experience – at first – the elation of the N’s overwhelming Seduction, but later face the horror of Devaluation, the bewilderment of Discard & the lure of Hoovering.

💟 Supplementary Sources – anyone else the N can seduce other than an intimate partner. It includes family, friends, colleagues, strangers … all ranked according to the strength of the fuel they provide.

Narc SUB-TYPES, both Grandiose & Vulnerable
♣︎ BOOMERANG  – the one who keeps popping in & out of your life. They offer very few explanations or excuses, & co-dep partners keep taking them back.
AND they’re also involved with several other partners (as Supply), staying when it suits them, leaving when anything is expected of them in the relationship

♣︎ CEREBRAL – they get a sense of self-importance from their mental abilities, believing themselves to be smarter & cleverer than almost everyone else. To feed their ego, they’ll try to make others feel ignorant & stupid. No one’s ever going to win an argument with them or get them to admit they’re wrong. (More… )

♣︎ PARASITIC  – They feed off of a host, using anyone who’ll take care of them. They don’t want any responsibility, so find someone who’s intelligent, strong & successful – but also needs to feel useful & is self-sacrificing. CHILDREN are easy targets, since they have no choice about being a Victim, but they too are singled out for their intelligence, sensitivity & compassionate nature.

♣︎ SEXUAL  – get self-validation from sexual attractiveness & being ‘very good’ in bed. They have an overly-positive, egotistical admiration of their own seduction-power, consumed by an obsession with performance, & the need for constant sexual admiration. (Think young Tom Jones, singer)

♣︎ SOMATIC  – get self-worth from their bodies, which shows up as a conviction that they’re more beautiful, stronger, or fitter than others. They obsess about weight & physical appearance, judging others based only on externals. (Think young Arnold)

♣︎ SPIRITUAL  – they get self-worth from being other-world oriented. They use spiritual practices & ‘insight’ to increase self-importance, in some cases for fame & wealth – instead of humility & decreasing the ego, which are the hallmarks of true spirituality. (MORE….. scroll to Narcissists , Co-deps) // (More….scroll to traits) // (More….)

♣︎ WHITE NIGHTs – to camouflage emptiness, shame & fear of abandonment, they need to be seen as a great human being, via rescuing & people-pleasing.
They get narcissistic supplies by publicly doing helpful things for others, such as the “good neighbor” N – who compulsively runs errands, does chores, fixes things for ‘free’, gives their own things away to anyone who asks – all out of the ‘goodness of their heart’ – but at the expense of their own families, their finances & health.

🔻A sub-category is the parent who compulsively / deliberately gives away their children’s toys or other possessions to their own adult friends – in order to seem generous, but without the child’s knowledge or OK, and which are not items no longer needed or wanted by the child. (MORE….)

NEXT: N. Types (#2)

PREVIOUS: Levels of N (#2)

POSTs : Psychological Disorders #4 – 6

THESE last 2 categories will be the focus of the rest of this series, so here will only be briefly summarized.

1. HEALTHY N
2. STABLE N

3. DESTRUCTIVE 
This group (type 3) has abusive attitudes & behaviors harmful to self & almost everyone else.
They devalue, lack empathy… & create frustration in almost anyone who has to deal with them.  An easy way to identify them is by the negative reactions they create in others, similar to NPDs (Type 4)

UNPRODUCTIVEs :
“They’re unproductive by retreat into their own world & blame others for their isolation. And when they lack self-knowledge & restraining anchors, they become unrealistic dreamers. They nurture grand schemes & harbor the illusion that only circumstances or enemies block their success.
Grandiosity & distrust are the N’s Achilles heel, so even brilliant Ns can become self-involved, unpredictable, & in extreme-case paranoid.” ~Michael Maccoby link

Therapist Steven Johnson believes that Ns are “good people tortured by psychological injury & crippled by arrested development, robbing them of the richness of life they deserve. They live & suffer in the narcissistic style”.
Gestalt practitioner Linda Martin’s response :  “To only stress their suffering could lead to sentimentality & collusion.”

Destructive MANAGERS
✧ Confidence : Grandiose, overblown, unrealistic
✧ Consistency : Lack values, are easily bored, often change course
✧ Foundation : Traumatic childhood undercuts True self-esteem, and/or learn that they doesn’t need to be considerate of others
✧ Power : Pursue it at all costs, & lack normal inhibitions in its pursuit
✧ Relationships : Concern is only expressed in socially appropriate ways when convenient & useful. Devalue & exploit others without remorse.
= = = = = =
4. PATHOLOGICAL

This level includes several Cluster B Personality Disorders – such as Anti-social (the most severe form), Borderline, Histrionic & Narcissistic. PDs represent a way of thinking & feeling about oneself & others that very negatively affect how someone functions in all parts of their life.
“Pathological forms of competitiveness show up in many, many areas of human activity. EXP: They’ll go from failing to give others credit for their contributions <– to –> outright plagiarism or stealing other’s ideas.” ~ Michael H. Stone (2008)
NPD levels
1.  Mild : Obvious problems in many interpersonal relationships & social roles, & in the performance of expected work, but with some areas still functioning. It’s usually not associated with substantial harm to self or others.
✴︎ At this level, such people are capable of achieving the admiration they crave, to gratify their grandiose needs (self-importance). They may function successfully throughout most of their life, but are vulnerable to a breakdown with advancing age as they get less & less attention (N supply)

2. Moderate : Marked problems in most areas of functioning, across a wide range of situations, sufficiently severe that most are not very functional. It’s usually associated with a past history & future expectation of harm to self or others, but not to the degree that it has / will cause long-term damage or endanger life.
✴︎ At the mid-level, their grandiosity prevents any interest in true intimacy

3. Severe : Intense problems in inter-personal functioning, affecting all areas of life. Their overall social dysfunction is profound, with little or no ability or willingness to perform expected work & social roles.
It’s usually associated with a past history & future expectation of severe harm to self or others that caused long-term damage or endangered life – & will again.
✴︎ At this lowest level, their persona also includes borderline personality traits (BPD). Their sense of self is generally unstable & scattered, reeling between pathological grandiosity & being suicidal. ~ Kenneth Levy (2012)

MALIGNANT Ns are even more dysfunctional than NPDs, but not quite AsPD (anti-social). “These lower functioning NPDs (more like sociopaths) will constantly bend the rules for themself while outwardly criticizing others for doing the same negative things. They have no remorse about the effects their abuses have on others, & use many rationalizations to justify their manipulations.” ~ Payson

PSYCHOPATHs – have no ethics, & so don’t need rationalizations.  For them life is a game – figuring out ways to get what they wants now, by whatever means necessary. Since they don’t go by anyone else’s rules, as far as they’re concerned there is no exploitation nor any violations.
They make up their own guidelines as they go along, duping whoever they can, shamelessly lying their way in & out of schemes, always ignoring or absolutely indifferent to, the damage they cause. ~Steve Becker

NEXT: N. Types #1

 PREVIOUS: LEVELS of N (#1)

SITE: See great chart    re. Human Magnet Syndrome (scroll way down)

CORE attitude of UNhealthy NARCISSISM
“I am the center of the universe. Everything that happens to me & around me, good & bad, is about me. I cause everything, so everything is up to me to handle.”

1. HEALTHY N

2. STABLE N
This category of the N continuum ↗️ was proposed by Kohut (1977) as less than full-blown narcissism (not yet NPD). Stable Ns have age-appropriate self-centeredness, but with areas of personality that are not fully developed.
EXP: Stable Ns generally function, day-to-day, with reasonably OK relationships, but also are (secretly) conceited, selfish & vain, which shows up as being smug, withholding on occasion, & very concerned about the image they project.

However, shame is the emotion that lurks behind most less-than-healthy narcissism, with the inability to process it in beneficial ways : to face it, neutralize it & move on. This weakness leads to the typical defensive postures, attitudes & behaviors of many Ns.

🕯Extraordinary Ns & Productive Ns
“Ns may be either productive or unproductive. The most productive ones, who do change our world, have the charisma & drive to convince others to buy into their vision or embrace a common purpose. They communicate a sense of meaning that inspires others to follow them.”
BOOK: “The Productive Narcissist“~ Michael Maccoby

Strategic intelligence is their hallmark : foresight, systems thinking, visioning, motivating, & partnering. But narcissistic leaders can also be problematic.
EXP:  If the N boss or owner is an unrealistic dreamer — with the illusion that only circumstances or enemies block their success, &/or if they lack strategic skill —- they’re fated to crash & burn. 

🕯Co-dependent Ns  (co-Narcissists / co-alcoholics)
“…. act the way our parents probably meant when they told us not to be ‘selfish’, but without teaching us healthy self-care”. ~ C. Whitfield.

‣ “Active” Co-dependents are missing a connection to their True Innate Self, compulsively rejecting it (opposite of Ns). They revolve their thinking & behavior around other people, events, substances, & environments
✴︎ Consciously, their inter-personal focus is only on others

‣ Narcissists also suffer from this lack. In its place, they identify with the Ideal Self of a young child – an inflated, impossible image.
✴︎ Consciously, their inter-personal focus is only on themself.

However, unconsciously, both types are other-oriented.
Their self-image, beliefs & actions are aimed at stabilizing & validating their insecure, fragile ego.
Their dependency on external input is as great as that of any ‘substance’ addict. Both desperately want to be liked, accepted & loved. And both types go about it the wrong way.

‘Classic’ Ns & co-deps do have different behavior patterns, but Ns can have some co-dep characteristics as well (play victim, do for others…..), while co-deps are less likely to use blatant N tactics, because they do have empathy, & overtly lack entitlement & exploitation.

ACoAs: As co-dependent caretakers, ACoAs shudder at the idea of considering themself a narcissist, & many are not NPDs . BUT – in spite of being ‘helpful‘, the underlying motivation for rescuing & people-pleasing is completely selfish, so narcissism is lurking in the wings.

❥ The main N motive is POWER : to control everyone & everything – with gifts & a smile or through gritted teeth – to prevent getting even a whiff of potential abandonment, regardless of who or what other people need & want.
As adults, “Children of the self-absorbed  have to work particularly hard to form a healthy True Self, as they weren’t allowed to complete the required developmental tasks at an earlier age. Growing up with a destructively narcissistic parent, you’re likely to have an under-developed Self that needs serious attention.” ~ Nina Brown link

Generally, Co-Ns are functioning depressives, constantly anxious, seeing themself as unworthy of anything good – so they obsessively work to please others, deferring to their opinions & taking on their world view. Co-Ns
— don’t know their own needs & beliefs. If they do, they dismiss them
— find it hard-to-impossible to identify what they think & feel about most things
— doubt the validity of their own thoughts (especially when these conflict with anyone else’s)
— take total blame for inter-personal problems.

Co-Narcs may or may not start out as co-deps, but in a prolonged relationship with a NPD, they can end up with a trauma &/or fantasy bond, even Stockholm Syndrome – because of cognitive dissonance, gaslighting &  intermittent reinforcement.
REQUIRED : grief work & PTSD-trauma recovery

NEXT: LEVELS of N (#3)

PREVIOUS: Harmful ‘innocent’ sayings #2

NPI = Narcissism Personality Inventory measures :
Authority, Entitlement, Exhibitionism, Exploitativness, Self-sufficiency, Superiority, Vanity

UNHEALTHY N: The common use of the term ‘Narcissism’ refers to an unhealthy, selfish focus on oneself, without a genuine concern for the needs & desires of others. It’s the yucky narcissism staring back at us in the mirror when our inner-brat holds the outer-adult hostage (regression / ‘kid-whipped’). This unhealthy, age-INappropriate N. retards or prevents psychological growth, & frustrates intimacy in relationships.

1. HEALTHY N, on the other hand, is based on knowing AND accepting yourself so thoroughly that you can interact with others, safely & comfortably, without –– always having to be the center of everyone’s attention, being afraid of abandonment or using others to take care of your emotional needs.

In psychoanalytic terms,”normal (legitimate) narcissism is defined as a positive investment in a normally functioning self-structure….
It plays a crucial role in the human capacity TO :
‣ manage challenges, successes & changes
‣ overcome defeats, illnesses, losses & trauma
‣ experience happiness, satisfaction, & acceptance of the course of one’s life
‣ love, be productive & creative (Ronningstam).
Kohut (1977) considers that healthy narcissism in adults is expressed as Creativity, Empathy, a sense of Humor, awareness of Finiteness (appropriate limitations) & Wisdom.

The N Phase of CHILDHOOD 
A complete preoccupation with oneself is normal & expected in young children, beginning around age 2, the same time they start talking – using words like “I, mine” and “no.” They assume the world revolves around them, with little awareness of others as separate entities.

Mahler described this phase as a “love affair with the world.” If development proceeds as it should, the child learns, thru’ close contact with loving parents, friends & teachers, that those people also have needs & desires. Egocentrism diminishes as the child develops concern for others.

ACoAs didn’t get the opportunity to develop healthy narcissism. Many of us were ignored or punished for being exuberant or succeeding – at anything. We learned to be afraid of shining, because others envied &/or punished us for our natural brilliance, so we diminished our light or hid it, even from ourself.

ADULTHOOD : A Cohesive Self is a psychologically positive identity.
❤︎ It’s a combination of the child’s Grandiose Self with the Idealized Parent (original omnipotent Object), which allows the Adult TO :
= feel worthy of existing, have ambition, confidence & self-esteem
= have ideals, a meaning to life, & form healthy connections with others

To improve important adult relationships we don’t want to lose – we need to relinquishing or modifying childish behaviors. That will also increase self-development, preventing depression & burnout.

At its best, every-day narcissism is a normal part of everyone’s Self (as small n. —— not NPD)
We need it to be functioning – on our own behalf – to feel good about ourself & other people. Someone who had been safe enough in childhood to experience normal ‘ecstatic joy in yourself’, would then have a residual inner strength to get through tough times.
EXP: Now, if you allow yourself the narcissistic pleasure of having managed a difficult job well, it can sustain you thru’ disappointments, frustrations or failure.

In a healthy adult, the Inner Child’s normal Grandiose Self is tamed by being attached to an appropriate set of ideals – gathered from healthy role models & eventually becoming our own values. IF this happens, we can experience others as separate-from-us sources of actions, thoughts & emotions.
All humans must undergo this process of maturation to develop a Cohesive Self.
This unified identity develops from a complicated interaction between :
(1) our inborn capabilities & inherited genetic vulnerabilities – predisposing each person toward or away from psycho-pathology (strong or weak ego structure), AND
(2) our environment – especially early interactions with Significant Others, who either strengthen & support the emerging child’s Self, OR interfere with its optimal development

A Cohesive Self basically means that all our Ego states are in sync, with the Healthy Adult in the driver’s seat. It means we know what we need & like, a willingness to be our own Good Parent, & respectfully express our Truth without needing to step on other’s emotional toes.  Because of this, we can let others be who they are without it threatening our wellbeing. We know we have choices, & we make the best ones we can, based on our personality & the situation we’re in at the time.

NEXT: N. Levels #2

PREVIOUS: Harmful Parental Phrases (#1)

SITE: “My Mothers Love……Arsenic, Grain Alcohol and a Straight Razor”

MORE HARMFUL PHRASES from the mental health community at “THE MIGHTY”

15. ‘You’re just going through a phase.’
Mom said it about my panic attacks I’ve had since adoption, & still have. When is this ‘phase’ over?” — Elizabeth M.

16. ‘You keep messing everything up.’
“I was told that I ‘slop things up’  – whether in the kitchen or my handwriting ….” — Jen B.

17. ‘You need to act your age.’
“‘Act your age, not your IQ,’ said mom right in front of my friends when I was 11. It pierced my heart.” — Carre L.

18. ‘Should you be eating that?’
“‘Food is not your friend.’ my mom said when I started gaining weight after going through a breakup & a hard time in my life.” — Shauna A.
“My dad said : ‘Maybe guys don’t like you because of the way you look. I’m not saying you need to lose weight, but you know how guys are.’” — Morrigan R.

19. ‘Oh so now I’m the bad guy?’….
“….they said when I told told them about something they were doing that was hurtful or made me uncomfortable.” — Bethany R.

20. ‘Are you sure you’d be qualified for that job?’
“’I don’t think you have the skills for that career’ or ‘Are you SURE? That career is really difficult,’ said my parents when I was younger. I’ve had trouble now finding a career path I really want because I always think back to what they said” — Kachina M.

“When I told my mom I wanted to be a makeup artist, she said : ‘You don’t really handle people well. Maybe a nice desk job?’ Thanks for killing my dreams & making me believe I can’t do anything.
Anytime I’d brought up a new interest for a career, she’d immediately find something wrong with it. Now I don’t have a career because I never believed I was good at anything. I still don’t.” — Kimy L.

😲    😛   😢   😡

A FEW MORE, from DMT at HEAL & GROW for ACoAs:
Mom was an ACA & definitely a narcissist, but disguised as a ‘spiritually’ motivated righteous do-gooder who everyone (other adults) absolutely thought she was the bee’s knees! wherever we moved to – which was often & in several countries.
These are some of her favorite sayings, repeated often throughout my childhood :

❗️”Look ashamed!” =  whenever I did something she didn’t approve of, not anything actually bad, just if it made her look bad to others

❗️”You’ll be the death of me yet” = the message was 2-fold: I’m killing her & I should be dead. I became suicidal – which morphed into long-term depression

❗️”Why did I have to have a kid like you?” = meaning I’m a disappointment, I’m a burden, nothing I do is ever right or good enough….

❗️”Now I’ve seen everything!” = her reaction when – as a tween – I designed & made a stylish, beautifully-made hat (I was always a sewer), & shaking her head, said it in front of a neighbor lady. It was not a compliment. Mom had very middle class, conservative taste & this hat was a NYC designer-style creation.
I did later go to FIT in NY, & for a while became a designer. But with all the put-downs over the years, there was no self-confidence – until therapy & Recovery

❗️”It’s the bad coming out”  = referred to having acne as a teen. She implied there was so much bad inside me it even showed on my face. Just one more cruel comment

❗️”See, she got someone” = Looking good was the only thing that mattered & I always fell short (being so bad on the inside) so I ended up convinced I was ugly, which she knew but never corrected.
So one day after school I was walking with her when she notice a rather ‘less than attractive’ couple walking hand-in-hand across the street. She actually pointed them out & said “See, she got someone!”

❗️I’m glad I’m not sensitive like you & your dad = self-evident, we all got the message that having emotions – unless always happy – were to be avoided, ignored, never identified, explained AND never comforted !

❗️”Why can’t you be more like L.& L.?? (my cousins) = They were ‘perfect’ according to her. It turns out they’re the same Astro Sign as her – Taurus – and I’m not! Perfect match for a narcissist mom – rather than me!

❗️”You’re such a pig. You could lie down next to dirt and sleep!” = What can one say? She exaggerated – typical Narc. What she called dirt was more like disorganized & messy. She was a cleaner. I’m an artist.

NEXT:  Narcissist Levels (#1)

PREVIOUS: Al-anon Sayings #5

SITE: “13 Things You Should Stop Saying to Your Kids Now”

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), in the long run – psychological abuse in childhood can be just as damaging as sexual or physical abuse.
To shed some light on what “innocent” comments actually hurt,  author JULIETTE VIRZI – turned to the mental health community at ‘The Mighty” for suggestions ➡️.

Please remember that what may seem innocent or teasing comments to some adults are actually hurtful or abusive to children. No matter what anyone thinks, your feelings are valid, & you deserve support. The following are phrases you too may have heard growing up. They’re listed here by the people who suggested them.

1. ‘Children are meant to be seen, not heard.’
“Appearances were important – my thoughts, emotions or opinions were not.” — Keisha D.

2. ‘If you don’t behave, no one will love you.’
“As a child, my dad & stepmom said so many hurtful things, & this one caused the most damage. To this day, some 40 years later, I still believe I’m unwanted & unloved, especially if I do something wrong.” — Tammy Z.

3. ‘You’re not the daughter I expected.’
“My mom said this constantly. I’m adopted, so it was heartbreaking, making me even more depressed & anxious. I don’t talk to her anymore. If I’m not wanted, I’ll stay away.” — Benedicte V.

4. ‘Never be a burden to anyone.’
“This seemed like good advice, but I grew up keeping everything to myself, & trying to help everyone else. When someone did something nice for me, I felt obligated to reciprocate, not wanting to be a burden, thinking I was a burden.” — Florence N.

5. ‘Don’t be so dramatic.’
“This was said every time I expressed any emotions not pre-approved by my stepmother. I repress them to this day because of that instilled fear.” — Lea L.

“Throughout my entire childhood whenever I expressed emotions, I was told I was ‘being too dramatic,’ so when I was abused & assaulted, I couldn’t tell my parents. It’s affected my entire life, struggling to express emotions because of it.” — Natasha A.

6. ‘Sometimes I wish I never had you kids.’
“My mum told me as well as my brothers & sister.” — Christina F.
7. ‘You’re my perfect child.’
“My mom favored me over the other 4 kids.” — Brooke L.

8. ‘Why can’t you be more like your siblings?’
“- like my sister. But we’re very different people. Mum was very controlling of my looks until I got a job & could do what I wanted. Then she lost control.” — Sarah W.

9. ‘It’s like you don’t want to be happy.’
“‘You can choose to be happy, you just don’t want to,’ said my mom while I was trying to ask for help during a suicidal episode.” — Darian K.

10. ‘You should be thankful.’
“It’s what my mother tells me every time I have depressive episodes: “You survived college. You’re abundant with food, money & shelter. You have us. Your sisters actually love you. So, there is nothing to be depressed about! You’re just brokenhearted because someone you like just rejected you.’

Yes, it may seem harmless to anyone else, but for me, even though I have everything, depression is still there & won’t go away just like that. I’m sorry.” — Pamela J.

11. ‘You are the sorriest youngin’ that ever lived.’
“My Mama even said this on my wedding day. I responded, ‘That’s OK because after today you won’t have to worry anymore!’ Some years later I confronted her with this & she said, ‘Well I was just joking, couldn’t you tell I was joking?’ I was a child. How was I supposed to know?” — Marsha S.

12. ‘You’ve always been so difficult.’
“I heard this anytime there was a difference in opinion.” — Marie V.

13. ‘You’re really filling out your bra now, aren’t you?’
“‘You’re a woman now. You know what that means, right?’ my dad said when I got my first period at his house, at age 9. Followed by, ‘You sure are filling out your bra…’
Every weekend thereafter for the next 3 years.” — Kristy B.

14. ‘That’s silly, you shouldn’t feel that way.’
“When I was a child (& still as an adult), when I’d get the courage to tell my mom how something she did / is doing made me feel, she’d say, ‘That’s silly’ & proceeded to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way. It made me feel bad then & even worse now, so I’ve stopped telling her things.” — Jen D.

NEXT: Parental Phrases – Part 2

PREVIOUS : Sayings #4

SITE: LIFELINE (Al-Anon newsletter, CONN)  

SPONSORSHIP
It’s a confidential relationship between 2 ‘regular’ Al-Anon members (no experts in Program), who benefit from sharing their Experience, Strength & Hope. It’s focused on Al-Anon Principles, which are the 12-Steps & Traditions of AA.

The private information exchanged encourages acceptance, compassion & understanding. Making a commitment to this special relationship OR letting go of – a specific sponsor or of a sponsee – is a matter of personal choice, on either side. It’s legitimate & appropriate to end a S-S relationship any time it’s not working.
New-commers may not always know who to ask, & it may take a few tries to get the right combination. This is normal is real life as well.

Usually the Sponsor is a long-time member with good Al-Anon ‘sobriety’ who helps a newcomer navigate the early stages of co-dependent Recovery, which can be very painful & confusing.
However, 2 long-timers can be very helpful to each other as well, in dealing with both old & new issues as they surface. Age doesn’t matter, but it’s suggested that it’s best to be woman-to-woman & man-to-man, although straight-woman-gay-man can work very well.

The standard format it that a sponsee calls their sponsor at an agreed time of day,  generally for 15min. up to 4-5 times a week, more if it’s an emergency.  ‘Older’ members can call each other as needed.  The sponsor can listen to their pain & frustration, but the goal is to help the sponsee learn to think with mental clarity & develop emotional ‘sobriety’, using Al-Anon tools.

Al-Anon SAYINGS

NEXT: Harmful Parental phrases #1

PREVIOUS : Sayings (Part 3)

SITEs : The 3 Legacies of AL-ANON

✿  1,500 year old history of the 12 Steps (of Humility) – Written by a hermit mystic monk in 520 AD

✿ Al-Anon is for anyone affected by someone else’s addiction.
This usually means alcohol, but can include drugs & gambling, as well as unhealthy use of food, exercise, money, raging or sex, in any addictive way.
Even without active alcoholism, many Al-Anon members grew up in families with these & other severe stressors (beating, incest, mental illness, severe narcissism….) & so are also ACoAs.

At first (1960s, 70s) most 12 Step fellowships believed we couldn’t look at parental behaviors without falling into blame, rage & self-pity. As a member of AA, who also attended Al-Anon, Tony A. disagreed. He realized we can’t find clarity or peace until we identify what our family system has handed down to us – but without blame & shame.

The unhealthy beliefs & behaviors we absorbed as children became deeply embedded in our spirit, & the defenses we had to form were so much a part of us that we assumed that’s just the way we were. Not so.
Al-Anon shows us that with much support, we can take a blameless, honest inventory of our parents & ourselves (4th Step). It allows us to separate who we are from who they were, so we can move beyond any negative programming, & freely choose what’s best for ourselves.

Tony’s Steps focus on gentleness, self-love, self-forgiveness & healing – in safety. They were included in his 1991 book, The Laundry List: The ACoA Experience, after years of refining.

NEXT: Sayings #5

 PREVIOUS : Sayings (Part 2)

SITE :
The 12 Steps Illustrated

Al-Anon recognizes that for many of us who love an active addict, codependent & enabling behavior can be difficult to quit.  Addicts tend to be emotionally abusive, deceitful & manipulative, in order to keep feeding their addiction.
When you love someone & want them to be happy, you may provide them with money, housing & other needs whether they can support themselves or not!

Unfortunately, making it easy (enabling) for someone to continue abusing alcohol will only prevent them Recovering & building a productive life. Attending Al-Anon meetings & sharing your stressors & confusion can help:
— identify behaviors that may be harmful to your loved one’s healing, and
— also work on your own emotional obstacles to personal growth.

NEXT: Al-anon #4

 PREVIOUS : Sayings (Part 1)

SITEs :
The RECOVERY SHOW – sayings, quotes, proverbs

☛ LISTEN HERE
(re. Al-Anon & AA)

❣️ The core of Al-anon is about helping anyone who has been affected by someone else’s alcoholic drinking. This can be a family member, a friend, a boss… even the crazy drunk in the neighborhood.
Attending 12-Step meeting allows us to hear similar experiences from others, share our own (when we want to), deal with our own inner pain, as well as share our triumphs & successes as they occur.
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