PREVIOUS : Narc-Speak #2
SITE : The Power of Silence
NOTE: Narcissists often pause their abuse, using intermittent periods of seeming kindness & warmth. This creates a trauma-bond for the victim – so when the abuse starts again the V will assume they caused it & deserve it. It makes them even more eager to please, desperately trying to make the N happy again.
a. As ACoAs – you may also identify with many characteristics of this very detailed list (they tend to overlap), since we inevitably incorporated unhealthy maneuvers perpetrated by our family, school & religion
b. And – you may need to acknowledge that the parent, mate, adult-child, friend, boss…. you’re dealing with act some these ways. This is especially true if they mirror who & what you grew up with.
It’s imperative to see Ns for what they are – to prevent being used, or as a way to untangle yourself. These ‘games’ have certain things in common, designed TO :
1. keep you in a one-down, subservient position to the N, making sure you’re convinced you need them to function & survive
2. keep promoting the N as superior & therefore worthy of obedience & ‘worship’
3. insure you provide them with all the ‘nourishment’ they can’t or won’t give themselves, draining you of all your vitality
PS: When the N is your grown child – & they’re being abusive, standoffish, favoring the alcoholic parent against you…. – what they more likely want is for you to :
— agree with anything & everything they do
— never want anything from them (a connection, be responsible, get help, be respectful….), regardless of what you want or have done for them!
√ AMBIENT ABUSE
The N surrounds the victim (you ) with a haze of fear, instability & intimidation. It’s so toxic because it’s made up of subtle, underground currents of mistreatment that can go unnoticed by the V until you’re wrapped in their spider web.
Ns are well known for their verbal attacks & inability to control behavior whenever they get angry. They can blow up suddenly, or regularly spew rage, which effectively stops you even from asking questions – much less objecting or needing something, in case it provokes another explosion
√ BE INAPPROPRIATE
To keep you small & ashamed, the N will make a point of embarrassing you in public by what they say & how they act, whether alcohol is involved or not, without feeling ashamed of themselves. But they know you will be – by association. EXP: being insulting, creating an argument, staring a fight… with another group member, a stranger, waiter, cop….
Ns want you to keep thinking you’re doing everything wrong – even though you have not. They know that if they can make you feel guilty, they’ll have ammo if you ever have the nerve to call them out on their behavior.
That way you’ll always feel guiltier than a dog who’s just peed in the house. So you’ll roll over, be extra nice & do whatever they want, to make it up to them
√BLOW HOT & COLD
When someone’s nice one minute, then nasty the next, you’ll naturally stay on edge, since even when they’re acting all warm & fuzzy, you’ll be anticipating the next sudden switch. Being deliberately unpredictable is crazy-making, so you end up walking on egg shells.
Purpose: If the N thinks you’re getting a bit cocky ‘for your own good’ (confident, objecting to their games), the N will shoot you down with another bout of cruelty.
THEN, If they feel they’ve pushed too far, they’ll switch back to being ‘good’. Unless the N has other options, they’ll want to hang on to you, so the ‘nice’ act is used to get you back on their side – temporarily of course
The NPD’s got you thinking you have to serve & obey them, otherwise you’ll be in BIG trouble. If you’re around them long enough, you end up doing things you don’t feel comfortable with, just because the N wants it. If you don’t, you think it means you’ve failed them, feeling guilty about not ‘performing’ the way you ‘should’.
NEXT : More Mind Games #2