Author: dmtorbi

How the BRAIN LEARNS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

trees 3WHIRR, WHIRR, WHIRR – the wheels never stop!

PREVIOUS: Undoing CDs

POST : “Retraining the Brain = Neuroplasticity”

☆ NOTE:
The following is a simplified explanation of how the brain mechanically absorbs & catalogs information, often times leading to Cognitive Distortions.
Biological information does not negate free will, Personality Type or the power to change (via Structural Neuroplasicity). But it does explain why it takes effort & time to correct damage.

➼ Think about each point listed in relation to growing up in a dangerous, terrifying, lonely environment – about how those experiences that ‘programmed’ us. Remember the military acronym G.I.G.O. = garbage in, garbage out.  Whatever our brain took in as a kid was not our fault – it’s the way humans are built.

✶ ACoAs ask: “Why do I do these things? Why can’t I get It? It’s too late, I’m too damaged…..”, which are all forms of S-H, based on CDs.
Learning the mechanical reasons why psychological change is a struggle can be encouraging. Change is hard but do-able!

• Having complete & correct info about something or someone allows us to respond to life appropriately & achieve our objectives
• The opposite is equally true – lack of, or distorted info will make us respond badly, perhaps even fatally. Any missing & incorrect facts get integrated into our thinking, like bugs in a computer program

⚑ Regardless, the brain’s main goal is to generate responses to the environment that will most likely insure our survival, including some terrible things people (abused children, battered wives, war combatants…. ) will do to cope with terrible situations!

OUR BRAIN – Gathering Information

1. FIRST INFO – The brain accepts as correct the first info it gets about any completely new topic, person, situation… without critical evaluation, whether accurate or not.  Additional info that fits with the original input is also accepted as true, regardless of validity.

Even if we suspect (intellectually) that some info might be wrong, the brain has no ‘warning signal’ to indicate what is or gathering infois not legitimate
EXP: If a new lover is charming, intelligent & seductive at first, the unconscious will label them as safe or at least acceptable, no matter what they’re really like

• Then, when the brain notices a stimulus (whatever triggers a reaction in us – like a hand wave), it goes thru all it’s stored info about:
— the origin of the stimulus (who’s waving)
— how to deal with it (wave back, ignore it, avoid it quickly…)

2. CONTRADICTIONS – Any new item that disagrees with what’s already in the memory bank is automatically rejected as wrong! This is not due to stubbornness, stupidity or a character flaw.
Rather, it’s a built-in survival mechanism, moving us toward things that seem beneficial & away from things that seem threatening

EXP: So, if the new lover at some point starts mistreating us or acting weird, we excuse it away / put up with it / ignore it completely… especially if they remind us (unconsciously) of our parents, who were our very earliest love interest!contradictions

• As more experiences are accumulate, contradictions have a less bothersome effect on our thinking, so we stay in the original groove. The brain has no built-in way of knowing what’s T or F about ‘people, places & things’ (PPT).  It just blindly relies on its backlog of stored data

• Of course, the importance (danger) of bad info is in proportion to how relevant it is to our life. Having the wrong or incomplete info about how tigers mate won’t usually effect our well-being, but bad / limited info about drugs & poisons, severe narcissists, environmental pollutants…. can be devastating or even fatal.

EXP: “First Info” is partly why battered wives keep going back. If they &/or their mother got beaten a lot when they were kids, it’s what they know & expect.  “Contradictory info” such as : “He’s no good for you, you have to leave…” has little effect, thrown out as incongruous & therefore not to be acted on.

NEXT: How the BRAIN LEARNS (#2)

CDs – UNDOING Thinking Errors

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS:
CD – Consequences #3

Review
CDs -SUMMARY

 

UNDOING Thinking Errors
Because the brain assumes all completely new input is legitimate (“First Info”), it’s especially important for ACoAs to consciously double-check the value & ‘sanity’ of all new relationships & experiences, whenever possible.
Looking back, we can see that incomplete or blatantly wrong info can have severe consequences for us – especially when making important decisions.

➖”Cognitive fusion” = taking thoughts very, very seriously. We believe them, buy into them, obey them & play them out.
➕”Cognitive defusion” = the opposite: stepping back from thoughts, to evaluate them objectively, holding them lightly. We only listen to them if they’re valuable or helpful. They’re simply bits of language passing through the brain.

☁︎ Identify your CDs
Screen Shot 2015-06-23 at 2.59.48 AMWrite down recurring beliefs & upsetting thoughts. Match them to the list of CDs, & notice the ones you favor. This will help to identify your family’s beliefs
• Instead of automatically blaming yourself for difficulties you experience, take careful notice of external factors that may have caused or contributed to a problem.
Even of you did have something to do with the outcome, self-blame only keeps you from figuring out options & helpful ways of coping or solving the problem

• Do a cost-benefit analysis to identify the advantages & disadvantages of using CDs & nurturing your S-H. List any reasons you still hang on to harmful thinking (review Negative Benefits), as well as the ways they continue to damage you.

☁︎ Check the evidence
See if your own assumptions or any new info you recently got from someone else – is valid. ASK, read, think. Most of our inappropriate reactions to life are not just from our damage & inherent personality, but often because we don’t make the effort to search out readily available information that can supplement & correct our knowledge base

Re. YOU: As a counter-measure to negative thinking, list the times you’ve been successful, have reached a goal, accomplish a task….
— double check your thinking with people you trust, who have your best interest at heart & who have proven themselves consistently reliable & ‘sane’

Re. OTHERS: Gather as much info about ways to deal with a problematic or scary person / situation
• that is making you uncomfortable, or
• possibly, someone who is very important in your life

Go over what you already know about them, & get help to NOT overlook something you may have originally assumed to be irrelevant, but which could actually be —
• the very thing that’s causing the most problem, OR • which may provide a better or most useful solution

☁︎ Smart Listening
Develop a daily mental habit : Do not automatically accept as being legitimate – any important new info or experience – until you can check it out (“Don’t believe everything you hear & only half of what you see or read”!)

• Label each new unproven item with a tag: “My teachers says…  /  I recently read in…”  – to indicate it’s not yet verified.  Once you’ve confirmed it, you can own it without the tag. “I don’t like Sam because…”

• Insulting name-calling (inferior, loser, a fool, chicken, crazy….) is about our person-hood. If you’re thinking that way, check what was going on just before – that set it off. Most of theScreen Shot 2015-07-21 at 7.18.15 AM time the label is about an action or event, rather than about your identity.

☁︎ Smart Talking
Notice & then write down your harsh thoughts, or the ones you hear from others. Put them aside & read them again a few days later. If you heard a parents talk like that to a child in a store or on a bus – how would you feel?
CHANGE
• Emotionally: say nice things to yourself – the opposite of your usual habit. Be gentle, kind, patient, supportive, what you would’ve liked to hear as a kid

• Mentally: talk to yourself & others in ‘shades of grey’’. This is not a compromise – but allows for variations, options & possibilities you have not previously considered

ALSO – add a qualifier then sharing ‘helpful’ facts or personal beliefs, opinions, advice, knowledge:  “I think you might…., I heard a rumor that…, In my experience…., I read somewhere that…., This is just my point of view….”

NEXT: INFO & the Brain (Part 1)

CDs: CONSEQUENCES (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: CDs = Consequences (Part 3)

 

 

EFFECTS OF using CDs (cont)
Basing our life dominated by CDs can cause self-esteem, & crushing feelings of anger, anxiety, depression, despair, failure, frustration, hopelessness, & resentment – that left unchecked can make life miserable.

4. SOCIAL (PMES) RESULTS
• they create conflicts in a wide variety of relationships (home, work, school…)
social phibia• form barriers to healthy communication – information get cloudy, causing misunderstanding, anger, resentment & frustration in receivers of the muddled messages

• make us less desirable company – most people don’t have time or patience with constant negativity. Because people’s vibes affect each other – moods are contagious….. & who wants to catch a bad mood?
• make us tend to focus on others’ flaws, eroding connections
• make us overestimate the probability (projecting) that unpleasant social events will occur, so we either don’t go anywhere, don’t participate at gatherings, or act inappropriately

5. SPIRITUAL (PMES) RESULTS
• attract situations that make us believe something’s perpetually wrong with us & the world, SO we stay stuck in our damage
• close us down to possibilities & the flow of abundance, preventing us from attracting ‘people, places & things’ (PPT) that would help us grow
• just like perfectionism – they make us vulnerable to spiritually abusive situations
• keep us from fulfilling the True Self God made us to be
• mutilate, cripple & corrode the human spirit, & provide the rationale for maintaining addictions
• obscure / limit our vision to go after dreams, leaving us apathetic, cynical & confrontational
• suck out our faith & confidence in life, making it hard to be hopeful about anything

😃CDs & HUMOR
Humor styles are considered coping strategies to deal with internal CDs & external stress. One study (U of Western Ontario, 2016) examined the relationship among : a. CDs b. positive & negative humor styles & c. depressive symptoms.

Because CDs involve negatively biased thinking about self & others, it was hypothesized that people whose lives are impacted by them would tend to use maladaptive humor styles, which involve themes about : the assumption that others think negatively about them, their own incompetence, unlovability & worthlessness

As predicted, the frequency & impact of CDs on interpersonal & achievement were in fact significantly associated with depressive symptoms.

1. Self-Enhancing Humor (healthiest)
About emotional well-being, including self-esteem, optimism & pleasurable emotions. EXP: “Even when I’m by myself, I’m often amused by the absurdities of life”

2. Affiliative Humor
Deals more with relationship connections, related to extraversion, social intimacy, inter-personal competence,  relationship satisfaction, social support & secure attachment. EXP: “I laugh & joke a lot with my closest friends”

3. Aggressive Humor
This type is also mainly about relationship connections, but includes hostility & neuroticism. It’s not about agreeableness,  competence, conscientiousness or satisfaction. EXP: “If someone makes a mistake, I’ll usually tease them about it”

4. Self-Defeating  Humor (least healthy)
A HIGH correlation between CDs & Self-Defeating humor is most closely associated with emotional distress – such as anxious attachment, depression, generalized anxiety, neuroticism, rumination & perceived stress
EXP: “I often get carried away with putting myself down if it makes my family or friends laugh”

✳️ MENTAL HEALTH: Studies have shown that correct + positive thinking, optimism, gratitude & appreciation of the things we enjoy in life = enhance brain function & decision-making skills. They help us be calmer, more relaxed, happier.

CORRECTION (condensed) 
1. Identity your ‘favorite’ CDs. Then examine the evidence, listing pros & cons
2. Think about / talk to yourself – the way you do with people & pets you love, OR how you wish you had been talked to when you were little
3. Consider shades of grey – what’s between B & W options

4. Test your ‘version’ against reality by doing something scary & keeping track of every positive outcome
5. Observe others & ASK how they handle the situation you’re in
6. Change how you talk about your desires or goals
FROM “I should / have to…”. TO  “I’d like /  it would be great if…..”

7. Notice & correct the meaning of frequently used words.
— Why is everything “terrible / impossible / unbearable….”
even in ‘common’ circumstances ?
OR
— Why call yourself “inferior, a loser, fool, abnormal….” even when you’re doing OK ?
8. Re-attribution : notice & acknowledge that other PPT (people places & things) outside of yourself have an effect on outcomes, AND that other see you differently than you see yourself.(More…..)

NEXT: Undoing CDs

CDs: CONSEQUENCES (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,


HAVE TO CLEAN MY BRAIN OUT!
or I’ll never get what I need or want

PREVIOUS: CDs Consequences (Part 1)

REVIEW post: “Weak decision Styles”

 


CDs – regarding Personal Problems
a. SELF-SERVING: EXternalized dysfunctional behavior, to protect a fragile sense of self from greater harm:
• Assuming the worst, Labeling, Minimizing, Self-centeredness
USED to cover insecurities like a shabby bandage, keeping us dishonest with ourselves & separated from others

b. SELF-DEBASING – INternalized expressions of self-hate:
• Catastrophizing, Disqualifying the positive, Personalizing, Over-generalization, Selective Abstraction, Shoulds ….
USED to keep us powerless & hopeless, intensifying our wounds

1.- Thinking & CDs (Part 1)

2. (E) EMOTIONS : The more CDs we absorbed & developed in childhood, & now – the longer we ‘use’ them as the basis for living, the more they increase anxiety, deepen depression, disappointment, rage…. causing relationship difficulties & potentially – auto-immune diseases.

Depression being a common ACoA state – we can identify one of several causes by carefully focusing on the connections between external events & our inner responses.
The sequence is made up of :
a. Activating event (objective Situation) that’s scary : making a cold-call, asking for help, mulling over a problem, visiting family
b. Logic Errors (CDs) : Assuming the Worst, Fortune-Telling, Disqualifying the Positive,  Mind-Reading….”
CAUSING ↓
c. Automatic Thoughts = Limiting Beliefs : “They’re too busy to talk to me” , “I should’t need help” , “He won’t want to listen to me”, “They always ….. ”
d. Consequences : painful emotions & the harmful actions or non-actions that follow

EMOTIONAL (PMES) RESULTS
• they can prevent us from letting go of past hurts
• contribute to a false sense of reality, of paranoia, illusions
spiritual weakness• directly contribute to thoughts of suicide – or actual attempts
• increase frustration, depression, S-H, anxiety, irritability & helpless rage
• maintain the feeling of being a victim or scapegoat
• make it easier to feel unattractive, so not want to do regular self-care
• may distort or prevent the enjoyment of sexual activities
• reinforce our childhood abandonment, hurt & disappointment
• prevent us from seeing the bright side of life, making things less fun

➼ Put-downs from others can erode our sense of self-worth, especially when coming from our own family. Children definitely believe negative assessments of themselves given by teachers & parents, developing a damaged self-concept when criticized on a regular basis.

▶ Researchers estimate that the ratio of +positive to -negative comments needs to be at least 5+ to 1- for any relationship to be healthy and survive long-term.
THIS applies to how we talk to ourselves as well!

3. (A) ACTIONS: Another extreme —> Using CDs as a model for how to function is part of Cognitive DEFICITS. all of which prevent us from successfully handling many of life’s situations. We rely on & maintain CDs TO:
• deny responsibility for our actions & ignore the harmful results
• avoid facing painful emotions, or having to change ourself
– even though acting on them ensures that we stay deprived.

IMAGE = Stress effects —->

PHYSICAL (PMES) RESULTS
As negativity drains our energy, the body’s defenses are lowered. (See: psycho-neuro-immunology)
• they contribute to eating disorders, from extremes of over-eating to a complete lack of appetite
• cause hyper-ventilation, faster & shallower breathing, lessening oxygen delivery with less nutrients getting to the whole system
• disrupt sleep, causing constant exhaustion, since many of us obsessively worry right before dropping off
• lead to excessive sweating, which removes blood flow to hands, making them cold & clammy
ALSO:
• contribute to the cause of some illnesses (along with diet, environment, genetics…), like auto-immune diseases, colitisCD illness, ulcers…. & shorten life by damaging the immune system.

• decrease activity in the brain’s temporal lobes, slowing down our ability to think & process info, & the cerebellum, causing poor memory, moodiness, depression

• increase & flatten heart rate, so that it has to work harder, less efficiently & over time can lead to heart disease
• increase muscle tension, leading to head, back aches & overall body pain
• make the body react chemically from fear, overworking the adrenal glands, which eventually get worn out

NEXT: CONSEQUENCES of CDs (Part 3)

CDs: CONSEQUENCES (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

CDS effects - 1  

WHAT A MESS I’VE MADE
I don’t know what I was thinking!

PREVIOUS: CDs & the Unconsc. #4

REVIEW all CDs posts

 

OVERVIEW
Our brains are predisposed to making connections between ideas, actions & consequences, whether they’re truly connected or not.
While most people have a few CDs, ACoAs struggle with them long-term, having been formed as a way of coping with ongoing painful & traumatic life events. (Review “Anxiety & T.E.A.“).

1. (T) THINKING
CDs are available to the conscious mind, but are usually slanted downward, (CDs –Summary), making holes in our reasoning. 3 themes have been observed (A Beck) :
• Depressed people dislike themselves
• Current events are always interpreted negatively
• The future is also appraised negatively

CDs are like termites, damaging the whole system. Conscious (overt) abusing thoughts as self-talk reinforce themselves, creating a feedback loop of self-harm. Studies show how CDs
impact a wide variety of —
• SOCIAL problems: child molestation (religious & non-church pedophilia), juvenile delinquency, chronic substance abuse….

• PERSONAL issues: depression & worry, OCD, Bi-polar illness, relationship troubles, lack of college success or job searches, physical health problems… partially caused by anxiety & prolonged stress

temite CDs✶ CDs are mental signs of deeper, unconscious damage which need to be addressed. The mantra used by the Behavior Modification school of psychology “Change your thinking, & all will be well” is not the whole story, doing a great disservice to many suffering people. If we change our surface thinking but not the underlying wounds (trauma), whatever improvements that do occur are rarely permanent.

• However, there’s no doubt that identifying & replacing (not changing) CDs does have a positive effect on well-being!

MENTAL / PRACTICAL (PMES) RESULTS
a. Hamper Decision Making
• CDs act as obstacles, stopping us from being productive by creating fear & worry that hold us back from doing something that could be beneficial
• they easily discount valuable new info that disagrees with our existing beliefs
EXP: ‘Anchoring’ can throw off negotiations by getting us stuck on an arbitrary value

• they interfere with the quality of our work – concentration & productivity – by draining energy, disturbing the nervous & digestive systems
• limit or eliminate leisure, fun, & time spent with family & friends
• greatly reduce or eliminate satisfaction in our achievements
• waste time & energy obsessing, so are a wasted use of our intelligence

b. Hamper Problem Solving
• lose time, energy & $$ spent fixing problems made by following CDs which could have been avoided
• impede creativity. EXP : a ‘Framing Bias’ will make us look at a problem too narrowly, while the ‘Illusions of Control’ can make us over-estimate how much influence our actions will have in a situationdecision-making

• can interfere with the 4 skills needed in Decision-Making:
i. define & formulate a problem
— able to understand its exact nature
— understand cause-effect relationships
— identify obstacle in the way of the goal
— form realistic objectives

ii. generate alternatives — able to brainstorm a variety of solutions
iii. make decisions– able to predict possible consequences & their likelihood, & conduct cost-benefit analysis of the desired outcome
iv. implement & verify a solution — able to optimally carry out a plan, monitor its effects, troubleshoot if the solution isn’t working
▶ and validate oneself when the outcome is successful!

c. Limit Learning
• they prevent us from going back to school to reach a goal or change careers (‘Disqualifying the Positive’, ‘Perfectionism’, Mental Filter’…)
• reduce how much we achieve (rather than what we’re actually capable of).
If we say “I can’t handle this”, “this is too hard” …. we probably won’t even try, since the subconscious believes what we say to ourselves
• short-circuit how much we can learn. The ‘Von Restorff Effect’ (also called the “isolation effect“) makes us over-emphasize some information, because it’s unusual,  over other info which may be more important. ‘Clustering Illusions’ can trick us into thinking we’ve absorbed more that we actually have.

NEXT: CD Consequences – Part 2

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

cds & emotions
I CAN HAVE EMOTIONS
without having to act on them!

PREVIOUS: CDs & the Unconscious (#3)

 

1. THINKING  (cont)
a. The UNCONSCIOUS 

b. The CONSCIOUS (cont)
Changing our thinking patterns is a continuous, sometimes frustrating process. The more we understand how our brain & the process of change works, & what to expect, the more hope & patience we can have!

RECOVERY: Correcting our thinking leads to a more peaceful inner world. As ACoAs, it’s helpful to remember that this state is something we have to get used to – most of us find it boring at first. Eventually we come to appreciate & cherish the internal quiet. This is not boredom – which is an aspect of thinking, not feeling. It’s rather a sense of well-being!

2. EMOTIONS 
• In general, emotions are stored as physical memories of our experiences & can be recalled by experiencing events in the present they remind us of. These emotions may be comforting, pleasurable, relieving, exciting… OR scary, rageful, lonely…. We can’t directly choose what we feel, only what we think.

• Researchers tell us that anxiety** responses such as “fight or flight” originally had adaptive value for the human species, & are still legitimate forms of protection. Active defensive measures such as – seworriednsitivity to sound, the startle response, shallow breathing & increased heart rate – help people escape real dangers.
However, we rarely face the external dangers our ancestors did, so now we’re flooded with those same stressful chemicals from internal pressures (CDs) without enough physical outlets to burn them off.
(Post:  Anxiety & T.E.As) 

**Anxiety (diffuse fear) is the nervous system’s response to internal or external stressors (a painful loss, self-hate, a fight with someone….) which intensifies how we feel & then act, but needs to be triggered by CDs & negative thinking.
This has been shown on brain imaging scans. However, since CDs are conditioned over time & become unconscious habit, we simply don’t recognize the source of our fear.

• Cognitive (T) psychologists believe that some people are more biologically predisposed than others to ‘threat-sensitivity’ & the distress it causes. In such people, once anxiety (E) is triggered, it’s maintained, & increased IF negative thinking is added to the mix.

Extreme physical responses related to CDs, set off by in stressful situations, can spread to & contaminate other parts of our lives – from mildly uncomfortable to actually dangerous.
EXP: Obsessive worry (T) caused by projecting the loss of a relationship  – which is not imminent – can provoke a panic attack (E), with the same physical intensity as if you were being held at gunpoint!

• As adults, ACoAs too often make the CD mistake of ‘Emotional Reasoning’, assuming that if we feel a certain way, it must be true:  “I’m really, really scared today, so it’s not safe to leave the house”!
The WIC is having an intense feeling about something going on in our life (an exam, a new job, a break-up…) & wants to hide.
But the sense of impending doom is way out of proportion to the actual situation. “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”. And staying home alone may make it worse!

EXP: Your father may have only beaten you Many times or only occasionally) for stealing some change or sassing mom, that pain, fear & humiliation will always be associated with thoughts like “Dad doesn’t love me”, or “Parents are so unfair!”…. So now, anytime the boss (parent figure) is annoyed with you for making a mistake, you’re terrified, convinced you’ll get fired any minute now!

EXP : EMOTIONS re. ways adults can react to the death of a parent:
💦 A symbiotically attached ACoA will be devastated, partly from the loss of hope, partly from the depth of abandonment, perhaps also feeling guilt that things were left unfinished, & anger at being left. Sometimes they try suicide.

💘 A healthier person with sufficient S & I experience will be sad, mourning the loss & be aware that a permanent piece of their life is gone, but has a sound emotional & spiritual foundation to sustain them.

REVIEW posts: Emotional Maturity, and the series on EMOTIONS

NEXT: CDs – Results (#1)

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

sunrise
I CAN BRING TO LIGHT
what’s been hidden all these years!

PREVIOUS: CS & the Conscious (#2)

1. THINKING  (cont)

a. The UNCONSCIOUS (2. Emotions in Part 4)

b. The CONSCIOUS (cont)
MAKING CHANGES
• Consider the entry into the unconscious as a lens aperture.  It’s only natural that the wider the opening, the easier it is to let light in! We know that old info will try to keep out any new info that’s going to cancel it out!
So we need to use Recovery tools to become more receptive in this ‘adversarial’ situation, since too much tension closes us off to anything contradictory to our earliest training

When we begin to replace mental distortions (CDs) with positives, we may consciously say:
• “I’ve studied as much as I can & I’m not stupid.
• I’ve done well in the past, so I believe I’ll do well this time too.
• No matter what the outcome, I’ll be OK”

But because of unconscious programming,
at first we can expect :
💨 TO feel uncomfortable, because the statements don’t agree with the fear we’re experiencing at the moment
💨 TO have the PP tell us we’re ridiculous “Who do you think you are?”
💨 THE WIC to absolutely not believe you. Only the PP’s voice carries weight – until the UNIT is strong enough to takes over

• When we think: ”Oh no, what if I fail this test / I’ll never remember everything I read / I’m such a flake….” — we will feel anxious. This causes various physical reactions (tight stomach, heart pounding, headache….), which can add to the fear.

✶ This is to be expected!  Remember from INFO & the Brain: introducing new facts – contrary to what’s stored about a topic – will automatically be discounted. The unconscious is very good at maintaining the status quo.  As a built-in skill of the brain, it’s not a bad thing, as it helps retain consistency

• We can see how important it is for our minds to be stable & predictable when considering how crazy-making double-messages are! ACoAs got so many conflicting & confusing messages growing up that we end up convinced we’re crazy! But it’s not us.

add a positive ✓ One way to have access to the unconscious is to be physically & mentally relaxed. Also – liking something makes it more accessible.
Some ACoAs think it’s deceptive or arrogant to tell ourselves before an exam or interview: “….no matter what the outcome, I’m OK”.

So, instead, try : “I LIKE the idea of being ok, no matter what the outcome is…”,  which will dilate the aperture of the unconscious enough to slip in the rest: “… and I know that tomorrow I’ll remember what I read!”

• We don’t have to replace old beliefs – just add positive, healthy ones, creating different chemical pathways, which then take precedence as new mental habits.
The old routes will be less used, get weaker, & so not as easily fallen back into (regression). They’ll become a little like abandoned buildings – still there, but no longer lived in. This is good news for ACoAs who assume we have to get rid of all bad ideas before we’re ‘better’.

✓ The best time to substitute a subconscious thought pattern is when it’s currently playing in the mind, causing us anxiety.  Even though that’s when we “feel” least like doing it – replacing the thought right then will be most effective.

EXP: Picture being in a dive with a jukebox – if we push D4 (an event), a specific record will play (a CD) but this one is scratchy & annoying (painful emotions). That’s when it’s the exact time to put a new record on, to get rid of the grating noise!
But it doesn’t FEEL right (we refuse, as if it were illegal, and Mac-the-Knife is glowering at us — so it seems impossible.)

Yet, if we push thru the lead curtain of resistance, & “Rinse & Repeat” each time the old messages surface, it WILL get easier. Eventually we won’t have to work so hard to step on that old 45 & see it crack apart.
TIP: decide on a phrase or two that counters the Bad Voice (PP), & then practice them until they become automatic.

NEXT:   CDs & the Unconscious (#4)

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

 

THAT PESKY UNCONSCIOUS –
it’s been running my life & I didn’t even know it!

PREVIOUS: INFO & the BRAIN (#1)

 

1. THINKING  (cont)
a. The UNCONSCIOUS (2. Emotions in Part 4)

b. The CONSCIOUS mind is abstract, creative & aware, about such things as —
— thinking about what we’ve heard, seen or written
— what is intelligent & purposeful (having choices)

It doesn’t know what’s in the unconscious & doesn’t even want to acknowledge it, because it considers it too ‘simple & concrete’.  In spite of that ‘prejudice’, our conscious part only has about 15% control over forming experiences, while the subconscious is in charge of the other 85%, as the result of conditioning!

In general, Thoughts are latent but measurable forms of electro-magnetic energy, an important natural activity we produce!  Changes in thoughts change our biochemistry, hormones & brainwave patterns. Thoughts vibrate at different rates of oscillation, spreading out from the body like pond ripples. The speed & distance they travel depend on the frequency that generated them, so the way we think definitely has an effect on our environment

negative thoughts• Negative Thinking (CDs) assumes only difficulties & failures. It make us feel bad & decreases brain function, creating the same physical responses that any actual physical experience which would trigger anger or fear (blood pressure rise, cold sweats, hand tremors & flushed face, light-headedness & muscle weakness, rapid heart beat, shallow breathing, stomach knots….)

Thoughts are stored:
i. EITHER by mechanical repetition (like hours of reciting multiplication tables, practicing musical scales, rote prayers….)

ii. OR by pairing a thought or experience with an intense emotion.
When emotions connected to an event are too intense (painful), the whole thing will be repressed, especially if the distress is long-term or particularly traumatic, like most of our childhood, an abusive marriage, a severe illness….
✓ Think of your very earliest memory. Whether it was a pleasant event or not, it was anchored in your mind by a strong feeling!

AUTOMATIC
• Any often-repeated thought becomes so automatic that after a while we don’t even notice it. It’s now unconscious, out of awareness, but like Google, a complete record of our life.
It includes all our experiences & emotions: disappointments, delights, habits, joys, losses, pleasures, successes, traumas….. PLUS a collection of ‘beliefs & perceptions’. It’s all there – waiting to be discovered!

EXP: Growing up you were neglected & abused at home & bullied at school, with no one to protect or defend you. Now, any time you consider attending a group – no matter how innocuous – you have palpitations.
You think it’s only because you’re an Introvert & shy, but it’s more likely to be from unconscious CDs formed by early stresses – like Over-generalizing, Disqualifying the Positive, Unrealistic Comparisons, Projection….

Hidden : even though information is out of our awareness, continual thinking is still going on. When an emotionally upset ACoAs is asked: “What are you thinking or believing about this situation?”, most will answer : “I’m not”, or “I don’t know”, insisting they’re ‘just upset’

• Strong emotional reactions are always driven by automatic thoughts. With some encouragement & digging, the harmful thinking can be uncovered:
— coming from self-hate beating us down
— repeating insensitive or cruel things others have said to us
— projecting dire outcomes about something….

Automatic thinking can be either helpful or harmful:
• as a +,  it makes it easier to respond to life’s many tasks & situations without having to stop each time to figure them out – whether driving a car, doing our job, or raising children

• as a -, it causes problems when there’s flawed reasoning in the unconscious. Since we’re not aware of what we’re ‘saying’ to ourselves, we don’t know it is creating the emotional pain (anxiety, hopelessness, rage, unbearable loneliness….).
Instead, we blame the distress on something in our environment, which is only a trigger

EXP: 2 people are called in to see the boss. One goes in calmly, curious but confident. The other becomes more & more agitated while waiting his turn.  The difference is not the upcoming ‘talk’ but what each person is automatically, unconsciously thinking / believing about what’s going to happen.

NEXT: CDs & the UNCONSCIOUS (Part 2)

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

cds & thoughts


LIKE THE BIRTH OF NEW STARS
I can give birth to new thinking

PREVIOUS: CDs & the Unconscious (#1)

AA saying: “Alcoholics dig themselves into a rut, & then decorate it!”

1. THINKING  (2. Emotions in Part 4)
a. The UNCONSCIOUS mind is ‘just’ the result of patterning, conditioning & habit – therefore it’s basic – very B & W, not thinking, intelligent or creative, totally literal with no sense of humor! From our birth it absorbs info & experience without insight or good judgment.  So our early years provide the basis for all future learning, as the mind filters out inconsistencies.

NOTE: ‘Unconscious’ is the part of mind holding information we’ve gathered – which isn’t available just by wanting to access it, & can only be retrieved by special techniques or triggering events.

‘Subconscious’ is the level where unconscious memories drive our emotional reactions & behavior, without realizing it, like:
— seeing food suddenly making us hungry
— a deep-seated but untreated childhood trauma distorting our ability to make safe, rational decisions…..

• In the Cognitive Therapy model, distorted information-processing results in anxiety symptoms, such as catastrophizing, the excessive focus on negative outcomes leading to false alarms, hyper-vigilance, loss of objectivity, no tolerance for uncertainty, & ‘lack of habituation’ (not desensitized to a stressor -air travel- even with repeated exposure).

• This is familiar to ACoAs, who grew up in emotionally tense & physically dangerous environments, at home & outside, & now react with “fight, flight, freeze or appeasing“. Originally —
— Fight would have been with siblings, neighborhood kids, school peers, hurting animals or possessions, & sometimes self-harm
— Flight was more common. As long as we were too young to leave home we escaped into books, friends, school work, sports & of course fantasy. And for some – attempted suicide.
— Freeze was & still can be when our mind blanks out from fear, & we can’t think at all, called dissociation
— Fawn / Appease was & is people-pleasing, agreeing with anyone who scared us, being over-solicitous, over-giving….. anything to ‘placate the monster’

MODIFYING the Unconscious
self Qs• While there are people & situations we DO need to get away from – it’s always good to check our point of view first. This is not a blame or a judgement. There’s a big difference between what the WIC ‘feels’ or that the PP is telling us about ourselves & others – vs – how the Healthy Adult / Loving Parent sees things.

• So in terms of CDs, if we assume our pain is ONLY caused by something outside of ourselves, we waste a lot of energy trying to change the wrong things – another person, a job, a location…. rather than our frame of reference & inner beliefs. This endless wild-goose-chase leaves us feeling frustrated, out of control & hopeless. It reinforces our Victim role, keeping us convinced we can’t take care of ourselves

• A major purpose of some therapy styles is to bring up from the unconscious as much accumulated pain & distorted thinking as possible, so we can actively process emotions (Es) & correct False beliefs (Ts), which then gradually changes our behavior! (As) When we consistently, deliberately think in new ways, we add a 10-fold power to our conscious mind

FYI: Counseling, Coaching & some Therapies focus on current actions & thinking, NOT on the past & childhood programming – when most of our ACoA damage was formed!

psychiatry• Psychiatry & Psychoanalysis is deliberately structured so there’s almost NO feedback from the therapist. This has proven harmful for many ACoAs, because:
i. it’s a repeat of – no one responding to us as kids – leaving us yet again terribly alone with someone who’s supposed to be helpful!
ii. it doesn’t interfere with or correct our S-H & other distorted thinking, which we desperately need

iii. it ignores positive mirroring, also desperately needed – a healthy voice feeding back to us what we’re denying AND all of our wonderful native characteristics & accomplishments
iv. it doesn’t provide good role-model to emulate – caring, sensitivity & kindness, good boundaries, sane thinking….

✶ The most useful one-to-one therapy for most ACoAs is ‘family of origin’ work (FoO), based on a good understanding of family systems & addiction. It works best when it includes lots of well-boundaried interaction – and humor!

NEXT: CDs & The Unconscious (Part 3) Making changes

Cognitive Distortions – SUMMARY

dmtorbi ACoAs


 PREVIOUS: CDs Intro (# 3)

SITE: Cognitive Distortions & PTSD    (Robot + Dinosaur) 

⬅️ Heidi Hanson – artist, writer, PTSD survivor says the Mental Software Program in the psychological “Robot Suit” is made up of all our irrational beliefs about Self, other or the world. It behaves like a robot, programmed to repeat each line over & over….. – Usually in total control, it will never let go because that’s what it was told to do, so then our emotional responses are also automatic.

SHORT VERSION of major CDs
1. ALL or NOTHING THINKING (Splitting)
Always see things in black/white, either/or categories

2. DELUSION
Holding a fixed false belief, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. EXP: that you’re obese when you only weigh 100 pounds

3. DEMAND thinking
Belief that you/others/the world must, should & ought to be the way you expect them to be. Otherwise everything is awful, terrible & unfair so you can’t bear it, &/or won’t stand for it.

4. DISQUALIFYING the POSITIVE
Continually de-emphasize or put down good / pleasant experiences, rejecting the positive ones by insisting they don’t count

5. EMOTIONAL REASONING
Make decisions or arguments based on false ‘intuition’ or some emotional feeling, rather than on objective evidence or realistic evaluation

6. ENTITLEMENT
Convinced the same rules for others should not apply to you. EXP: You shouldn’t need to do an internship even if that’s the normal path to employment in your industry

7. JUMPING to CONCLUSIONS
Make a negative interpretation of an event, even though there are no facts that convincingly support your conclusion
a. Mind Reading – Arbitrarily assume someone’s reacting to / talking or thinking about you negatively, without checking it out with them
b. Fortune Telling – Anticipate that things will turn out badly, & are convinced what you ‘perceive/ feel’ is absolutely right

8. LABELING & MISLABELING
a. Labeling – Identify events or people in an absolute & unchangeable negative word, not objectively EXP: your daughter’s boyfriend is a “loser”, & completely ignore / dismiss later evidence that he’s NOT
b. Mislabeling – describing something in dramatic, overblown language that’s emotionally loaded AND untrue

9. LOW FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE
Believing you can’t bear being not getting your way or your needs met. Magnifies discomfort which is expressed in extreme thinking or behavior. Example: “This is making me crazy, I can’t stand it!”

10. MAGNIFY or MINIMIZE
Distort the importance of qualities / aspects of a situation or your memory -by making it more OR less than the experience really was, so that it no longer corresponds to reality.
• Depressives – tend to over-estimate the value & under-play the faults of others
• Catastrophizing – think a situation is unbearable when it’s actually just uncomfortable, or
– exaggerate the situation, then obsess about the worst possible outcome of the event, however unlikely

11. MIND READING
Assume you know (guess) what someone else is thinking – usually about you, when it not likely they’re thinking that at all

12. MENTAL FILTERING
Focus on specific negative or upsetting parts of an event, while ignoring other actually available positive ones

13. OVER-GENERALIZATION
Use an isolated cases to explain everything in the same or similar category. EXP: see a single negative outcome as a never-ending, inevitable pattern of defeat

14. PERSONALIZATION & BLAME (Self-Hate)
Seeing oneself as the cause of some negative external event  that one has or had no control over (someone’s death, illness….) & therefore absolutely cannot be responsible for

15. ‘SHOULD’ STATEMENTS
Trying to motiold/new painvate oneself with words like ‘should, shouldn’t, must, ought, need to, have to’, as if having to whip oneself into action would work
a. When using this on oneself, the underlying emotion is usually guilt
b. When using it on others, it will often be anger, frustration & resentment, possibly oppositionalism

16. UNRELENTING STANDARDS
The belief that implementing high standards is imperative to avoid catastrophes. EXP: making any mistake will lead your boss to think you’re totally useless

GROWTH
✧ The deeper layer under our CDs is the accumulated emotional abandonment pain from childhood – intense disappointment & frustration, loneliness, rage, sadness, shame, terror….
These are stored in our muscles, cells, organs, meridians… & need to be processed out through a variety of techniques, includes rage-work, primal therapy, brain-repatternig…

✧ Present day painful emotions are also generated & maintained by obeying CDs.  But all of Recovery is geared to making the needed correction.

NEXT: CDs – INFO & the Brain (#1)