Author: dmtorbi

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: Part 3 – Experimenting

 

♥ ACTS OF AFFILIATION ♥ (cont) indicated by Types of Communication

2. EXPERIMENTING
3. INTENSIFYING

4. INTEGRATING  (Short-term)
a. Normal: This is when 2 people become a couple or close friends, emphasizing to themselves & others how similar they are. They depend on each other for confirmation & acceptance of self-concepts. Verbal statements change to indicate exclusivity & separation from others

• They feel unique, taking on each others thinking, style & mannerisms. The ‘we’ increase to ‘us’, with shared Intimacy & Trophies (the key, leaving clothes & toiletries, favorite book & music…) For some dyads, it’s the stage when sexual activity may begin (if they waited), & a deepening of self-disclosure

“…it feels like we’re one person!” <> “Yeah, we’re soul-mates!”  •  “I feel so much a part of you” <> “I know, like we have the same mind!”

coupleFriends from both sides are brought together & if they’re a couple, they’re treated as a unit, receiving one invitation, one gift, one email account…..
• While they may seem to be fused, it should not mean losing one’s individuality! This is crucial for a healthy relationship
• It’s also possible for people to love each other, be friends, partners or a romantic couple – for a while, but not make it permanent. They can remain friends & benefit from the time they spent together, but it’s not required

b. ACoAs: For those of us who get to this stage –
Re. Staying
• some of us are able to keep friends & lovers, but can have extreme ups & downs, huge fights, occasional separations….

• because ACoAs have so many unrealistic expectations of relationships, we can too easily become disillusioned & depressed, spending a lot of time being critical, suspicious, feeling unloved & generally dissatisfied, while not focusing on the benefit of being with this person – if there’s enough of it
OR
• because of denial, we are willing to just go along endlessly, putting up with & participate in unhealthy patterns with our partner, rather than outgrowing them

Re. Leaving
chained together• at this stage ACoAs may still assume the relationship will last forever.  If it doesn’t, we’re deeply shocked & devastated. We’re rarely prepared for yet another loss, not willing to notice the signs, not willing to let go

• by this time we may feel so enmeshed & trapped that we can’t get out even if we feel we want to (like not being able to leave our family, psychologically)

• we may be quietly or openly desperate to leave, but won’t because of
— our co-dependence, not wanting to hurt the other person, especially if they beg us not leave (altho they may secretly want out too)
— our FoA, believing that the misery of staying isn’t really so bad, compared to the unbearable pain of separation & loneliness

• if it’s a partner, & we’re determined to break up, but can’t do it directly, we may:
— start an affair with someone else, so we don’t have to go thru an ‘alone time’. Then feel guilty & anxiously wait to be found out, maybe confessing, as if we’re being honest
OR
— create a ruckus in the relationship – fighting, verbal attacks, withdrawal, the silent treatment, getting 3rd parties involved…..

📌 In either case, we’re trying to force our partner to do the leaving, knowing they’ll be hurt & feel betrayed, then we’ll secretly be the winner, while acting like the abandoned victim!

NEXT: #5 – Bonding

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,


I’M INTERESTED
what he’s saying

PREVIOUS: Part 2 – Experiment


♥ ACTS OF AFFILIATION ♥ (cont) indicated by Types of Communication 

3. INTENSIFYING (Exploratory)
a. Normal: ‘Partners’ start opening up, sharing deeper personal info, taking more risks.  Much more emotionally intense &/or passionate stage, using intimate language

“I love you” <> “Me too” ✥  “I think you’re the best” <> “ I’m glad we found each other”  ✥   “It’s great to be with someone with the same tastes” <> “Yeah, we have a lot in common. Makes me feel at home”

• Begin to use ‘we’, develop favorite palaces, nicknames, share / swap possessions, understand non-verbal cues, give gifts, idealize each other, even finding their flaws endearing.  People can be so excited with each other at this stage, they’ll spend hours talking – time passes quickly. There’s a feeling of exhilaration, & depending on the type of relationship, a strong sexual pull

• This is the pivotal stage. Depending on whether or not both feel a chemistry (comfort, mutual value & excitement), and if the revealed info, attitudes & activities are sufficiently shared – people either continue to #4 & #5, or fall apart.

The connection at this point may be intense but short-lived, which is a shock to some who mistakenly assumed it would last because of the surface siminfatuationilarities & the emotional / sexual intensity.

➼  In some cases, there’s an intermediate stage called “Revising Communications” – when the euphoria has worn off.
The partners are able to review the strengths & weaknesses of the relationship from a more rational place, to see if they want to go on to the next phase. If they do, they begin working thru any problems or obstacles to further intimacy

b. ACoAs: we usually rush into this stage soon after meeting! Spoken or not, the communications is something like:
“Hi, my name is Sara, let’s be together forever!” <> “”OK, I’ll keep my eyes closed, as long as you make me feel good!”

✶✶✶ WARNING: ACoAs often misinterpret the ‘euphoria’ of this stage to mean there’s real intimacy happening! Spending every day for a week deeply immersed with a new friend or lover can end abruptly when they disappear on us!
Whatever their reason – they got scared, they feel suffocated… we feel conned, betrayed, angry… & are left with an acute sense of longing!

• REALITY: We went too deep too soon, & now we’re alone – again!
• TYPICAL ACoA reaction: beside feeling rage, we obsessively ruminate on what we did wrong (S-H) without knowing what the real issues are! We either withdraw into a depressed ball or use all our energy to chase after them. We want the pain to stop & get back the HIGH. heart illusion

• REALITY: WE got it wrong. Yes, the other person is also responsible for their part, but we can only deal with ourselves.  This is supposed to be stage 3, NOT instant love! It was not intimacy.

• HINT: if a ‘relationship’ develops too close, too fast – it’s likely NOT going to be healthy or real, but coming from both WICs!  ACoAs are addicted to fantasy & magic, as powerful as any chemical narcotic.
We have to work at going slowly or we’ll keep getting abandoned.

NEXT: Part 4 (Ingratiating)

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

 GOING DEEPER!
Now we’re together forever – I think

 PREVIOUS: #1 Initiating

♥  ACTS OF AFFILIATION ♥ indicated by types of Communication

2. EXPERIMENTING (Potential)
a. Normal: Time for small talk, presenting our public face. The focus is on light, humorous, informative conversation:
“ Did you like Thai food?” <> “I don’t know – never tried it” . “I went to France this summer” <> “Really! I’ve always wanted to go there! Tell me about it”

• There is mutual attraction & also a desire to reduce uncertainly about one another. Telling more about oneself implies an increase in trust, & we expect others to do the same – so that neither will feel too vulnerable

• People use (secret) tests to check how attentive the other person is by how they respond to what we say (laugh at our jokes, respect our boundaries…).  Each has certain expectations of the other, which must be met for our interest to continue : being upbeat, neatly dressed, polite, interesting ….

b. ACoAs: People give us info about themselves all the time – by thchit chateir presentation, their actions & of course words — their tastes, interests, like & dislikes… and we need to PAY ATTENTION!
Yes, it takes months of regular contact to get a realistic picture of the other person, but we can glean a great deal from each conversation right from the beginning.

So after every encounter, always ASK:
“What did I learn about them? How did I feel when I was with them, & afterward? Are they moving too fast? How do they handle situations & other people?”
✶ How much are they truly reciprocating, or am I the only one sharing – OR only them?

If so – we can take that as a warning sign. They’re either too scared or too self-centered. If we proceed, we have to accept the consequences.
➼ This constant evaluation is crucial for us to do at each stage, because ACoAs have such strong training & defenses against seeing others accurately.  If the WIC likes someone AND they feel familiar (in some way like our family), WE may :

i.  be in ‘Lala Land’ = don’t want to know they may not be an appropriate fit, especially if we feel a very strong pull – so we idealize them, convinced they’re ‘the one’, or a BFF…  Actually, at this stage it’s just too early to know for sure

ii. get “the ICKs” (scroll down) = If we’re not quite comfortable with them, but they’re not blatantly abusive, we need time to find out if it’s because –learn more
— the WIC &/or PP is acting up – with self-hate, lack of trust, old buttons triggered, our FoA, weak boundaries…
OR
— the person is actually icky in some way – their damage is showing & we’re picking it up, but can’t verbalize it yet
OR
— they’re genuinely NOT suited to our True Self, no matter how smart, competent, nice, or how much they may like us.
SO – we wait & LISTEN, hopefully with a clear, fair & open mind

IMPORTANT – Going slowly will allow us to:
• see how much like our family they are or aren’t (requires knowing ourself well, & paying attention to every interaction with the other person)
• find out if they are genuinely compatible with our Real Self
AND
• observe if they can truly see us for who we are, value, admire & respect us – realistically, not just for what we can give them
• how well or badly they handle our damage/ defects
AND
• what their character defects are, & how it will impact us over time
• see if the205108791ir positives outweigh the negatives (which everyone has), so that being with them will add value to our life
AND
• how capable & willing are they to take responsibility for their own life, so we don’t have to rescue or clean up after them
ALSO, if they have a spiritual life, is it internalized? does it show in the way they live? or is it just another band-aid or diversion from unresolved deeper issues

NOTE: When someone has too many negatives – no matter how much we like or love them – they’re unsafe to be with! Take stock & be honest with yourself. Get a trusted 2nd & 3rd opinion!  If we ACoAs are willing to take these stages a little at a time & ‘stay awake; with many of our relationships – we’ll save ourself a lot of heartache!

NEXT: Part 3 – Intensifying, Integrating

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

ARE WE MOVING FORWARD?
I never want to let go!

PREVIOUS:
‘The Relationship CONTINUUM’– 8 stages


Communication Indicators of ATTACHMENT
 This series of posts deal with verbal & psychological markers of progressive attachment or dissolution, ie. moving toward or away from intimacy.  It covers all types of one-to-one relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers, additions to family…)
➼ Each Cycle consists of INFO which is: 1. received 2. absorbed & contemplated  3. understood   4. replied to

• There are several theories about how people grow together over time, including ‘peeling the onion’ of each others’ personalities the more time we spend with them
• The NORMAL section for each level is based on the work of Mark Knapp & Anita Vangelisti (2000), from the Communication field
• For Section A there’s an additional term, in parenthesis, from the Inter-Personal Psychology field

♥ ACTS of AFFILIATION ♥ indicated by types of Communication

1. INITIATING (Non-existent – beginning)1st level
a. Normal : With people we’re vaguely aware of – communications will be rote formulae:
“How are you?” <> “Fine, & you?” , “What’s with this weather?” <> “Too much!”

Hallmark: interest & curiosity.  If we notice someone we want to know more about – we use polite, socially appropriate statements to show interest:
“Hi my name’s George. Is this your first time here?” , “Would you like to dance?”
– waiting to see how the other responds.  If it’s positive, we have time to form additional first impressions & evaluate each other.

Initial interest is governed by:
• Self-concept, which includes sexual orientation, socio-economic class, race… (we rarely move toward someone too far ‘out of our league’)
• Proximity, in person –  where we work, shop, live, go to school or church, MeetUps, meetings, dances… or in cyberspace, using social media, dating sites, forums, chat rooms ….
• Similarity – studies show people tend to form connections with others of similar attractiveness, interest, intelligence values….

b. ACoAs –  Although some of us find it hard to initiate conversation with strangers because of fear, many ACoAs have learned to open a dialogue in similar ways, but as usual bring our own twist to it.

❄️ In any group setting, we unconsciously scan the room & without even realizing it, will be pulled to the ONE person who is the most damaged, usually angry, narcissistic, the least likely to be nice to or interested in us – another ACoA & probably an addict of some sort. We may not even have heard their voice – but we KNOW! & can’t wait to ‘make friends’ !

This is more likely to happen with Extroverts. The Introverts will also focus on that one unavailable, but at the other end of the room.

🏋🏼‍♂️ ACoAs also claim to hate the dreaded “Small Talk” in any social setting.  But that’s what this stage is all about! You’re sure you don’t know how?
Actually, our refusal to even try is:
• about our self-hate, disguised as Social Phobia (everyone is judging me!)
• and we’re bursting with complains & internal drama, so we despise chit-chat as a waste of time — too much like our shallow, drunk, distant family, who never expressed a deep thought in their life!

We want depth! Translation: just let me talk about all my aggravations & worries! & don’t bother me with trivia.
We don’t realize it’s mainly our narcissism (“see me”), which includes the belief that symbiosis is the only way to connect (be like me / stay with me), which we both long for & are terrified of.

✶✶ In early recovery one young woman decided her temporary rule was: “If I like him, he’s bad for me!” As she grew, her ‘picker’ got a lot better.

NEXT: Stages – Part 2 Experimenting, Intensifying

The Relationship CONTINUUM

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

  IF ONLY I’D KNOWN SOONER
what the process is supposed to be!

PREVIOUS: Relationship STAGES

LIST of Love Addiction books by Brenda Schaeffer

 

CONTINUUM CHART – (from Hunter College 1981 notes)
➼ This is a brief outline of the appropriate & necessary stages we need to go thru to be sure we’re in healthy relationships – not perfect, but workable & suited to our true personality

WHAT
• Un-recovered ACoAs have a compulsion to skip the process of forming relationships. When we’re attracted to someone, we usually pick another ACoA &/or addict, so ‘jumping right in’ to the deep end seems perfectly natural, AND ‘desirable’.
In reality, it’s another form of addiction! (see Stanton Peele’s book “Love & Addiction” – list of ‘worst’ addictions to kick, LOVE being the hardest

• Moving at a pace that’s too fast or too slow will disturb the progress towards intimacy.  In most social situations, a creep is someone who jumps too fast from #1 to #8 – from stranger to intimacy – in one leap. Yet ACoAs do it all the time, & don’t realize it’s inappropriate!

ACoAs most commonly have one of several types of relationships:
• avoid forming any kind of closeness, or may have many casual acquaintances, keeping people at an emotional distancesymbiotic attachent
• attach ourselves to only one person, but in a symbiotic, addictive bond, with someone who can never really provide the kind of love & support we all long for
We HAVE:
• serial relationships, without depth, perhaps sexually promiscuous, as a way to not be alone but avoid commitment
•  friendships with a variety of narcissists, depressives, alcoholics or other unavailable types – & stay in these relationships for many years, living off the ‘crumbs’ we get from these people – if any!

USUALLY, ACoAs get involved with others almost overnight, without going thru the appropriate stages to see if we’re truly compatible.
WHY? Because:
a. we don’t know what the stages of ‘normal’ relationships are
b. we know how to be symbiotic, like with our family. It makes ‘sense’ to us
c. we’re so afraid of abandonment, we don’t want to take the time to actually get to know someone, in case they’re wrong for us, & then we’d have to leave them
d. we think that when we feel that ’instant connection’ it means the other person is our soul mate – that it has to be love!  It does FEEL powerful & intense, but it’s mainly narcissistic attraction from our WIC, because their damage dovetail with ours!

Contrast ‘Toxic Intimacy’ with ‘Intimacy Antidotes’ .
Also ‘Idealizing’ vs ‘Healthy Attachment’ posts

NEXT: Getting to Know You (Part 1)

 

Relationship STAGES

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , ,

GOOD RELATIONSHIPS TAKE TIME!
You mean I have to wait?

PREVIOUS: Results of abuse (the LL)

STAGES    
These 8 stages show the ‘normal’ progression for people to move from stranger to long-term partners, & apply to all types of relationships.

NOTE: The columns are not about ROMANTIC connections (as developed in Stage 6), which is given below the chart

• Stages 1 & 2 are the ones most people fall into – in relation to each of us. They have to do with the people we pass every day & barely notice

• #2 thru 5 are the stages we should go thru to form any connection, regardless of gender or sexual interest.  This can take anywhere from a year, to 4 or 5 ys, depending on how often you communicate, actually see each other & each person’s level of emotional availability

• #6 should come after some of the other steps have been worked thru, but with sex added in, steps 2-5 usually come later, if there’s enough to hold our interest. Those stages should still be given lots of time

• #7  As we becomes more aware of others (moving further down the continuum), the more of ourself comes onto play. This level of commitment needs to be the result of other steps, rather than the beginning – like how ACoAs do it!

• #8 If the other stages have been worked thru as honestly as we can, this one will be a mostly functional & happy one, because we’ve done our due-diligence, picking a more suitable partner & being less reactive ourselves.

 

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP STAGES
1. “HONEYMOON”  (2 mths – 2 yrs.) When we idealize the other person. It’s wrapped in an air of excitement & optimism, when anything seems possible

2. POWER STRUGGLE – The couple begins to see the differences between them & notice things they don’t have in common. This is when people can easily pull apart, even divorce

3. STABILITY – This is available if the power struggles (“Who’s in Charge?”) can be resolved amicably & fairly, so neither partner is the underdog

4. COMMITMENT – If marriage has not already occurred, it’s likely to occur at this stage. Partners know each other well, & realize they don’t ne-e-e-d each other, but want to be together

5. CO-CREATION – When partners move out into the world, from having children to participating in joint business or other kinds of ventures.  (MORE….)

NEXT: Relationship CONTINUUM chart

Victimizing OTHERS (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs


WHAT DO YOU MEAN – NAG? I’m just trying to be heard!

PREVIOUS : Victimizing OTHERS (#1)

SITE: Great source of info & interviews

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

TOWARDS OTHERS  – From us (cont)
1. Abandoning
2. Jumping

3. Dumping (being an emotional vampire)
♟ The compulsion to endlessly complain about our life in general, or about the same problem over & over:
• to anyone who will listen, indiscriminatelydumping
• using someone as a captive audience, even when they indicate they’ve had enough & we’ve overstayed our welcome (hint, hint)
OR
♟ Starting a ‘discussion’ about a person issues, or a particular gripe – with someone:
• at inappropriate times, when the other person is on the way out the door to work, dealing with their own pain, before going to sleep….
• not letting it go, going on & on about it, having to be right….

♟ AND without any sense of our own involvement / responsibility for those complaints, & therefore an inability / unwillingness to work on out-growing our issues by doing deep FoO Recovery

4. Gossiping (a form of triangulating) – when we :
• share personal info someone tells us about themselves, even if it is not obviously given in confidence
• pass on info about someone that a third person was gossiping about
• make up stories or say something unflattering or mean:
— to make ourselves look better, more important, more knowledgeable
— to harm them personally or professionally (revenge, jealousy)
ALSO: To take ‘credit’ for a statement or action done by someone else (stealing)

5. Leaning (being needy, overly dependent)
When we demand (as if we’re a victim) that other people take care of us emotionally – we are using them – it’s still abusive, even though we feel weak, needy & vulnerable. needy
Consciously or not, we’re expecting them to take on the role of the Good Parents we never had. This is an inappropriate burden to put on others.
Some EXP:
• always want people to tell us we’re acceptable / not too much
• constantly apologize – for having needs, expressing our Es, asking for help…. or for just being alive
• let others speak for us, rather than saying what we want or don’t want
• want others to give us permission to do things that are our responsibility to decide:
“Is it OK if I …?  I’m sorry I‘m early. Is it OK to be here? Can I bring that to you next week? Is it OK that I called?….”
✶ ➼ instead of making declarative statements:
“I don’t have that with me now but I can email it later / bring it to you next time. I need to change our appointment / pay you on Tuesday…..”

🚩   🚩   🚩

P.M.E.S. SYMPTOM – results for ACoA who are survivors of domestic, religious, psychological & sexual abuse.
Abuse & abandonment (A/A) are not only physical – we may or may not have been beaten, molested or lost a parent to divorce or death.

Even so, anyone growing up in an unhealthy family will have experienced A/A in all 4 categories (PMES), most often mental & emotional – each in varying degrees of intensity.

✳️ ACoAs rarely think we actually have an impact on anyone, but we do!  It can be POSITIVE, because of our good qualities & skills, but can also be NEGATIVE, when we act out our toxic family heritage on others.

What effect do you have on the people in your world?


NEXT: Relationship Stages

Victimizing OTHERS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

office gossipI HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL –  to not let out my damage on others!

PREVIOUS: Victimizing Ourselves (Part 3)

SEE: ACRONYM Page for abbrevs.

TOWARDS OTHERS  – From us
a. Abandoning (5 posts : “How ACoAs Abandon Others” )
•  CONTROLLING : An outward manifestation of our disowned fear that has accumulated from childhood into the present
• IGNORING : Not hearing what someone is telling us about themself, their needs, their tastes, their point of view, their current availability

• REPRESSING Others’ Emotions:  To the extent we are still repressing our own Es, we try to suppress that of others
• IDEALIZING: Putting anyone on a pedestal – not being able or willing to acknowledge someone’s real personality, including their human limitations & their damage
• UNDERVALUING: At the other extreme are the ACoAs who find fault with everyone, all the time, OR when someone gets too close, emotionally (Posts “How ACoAs Abandon Others” )

b. Jumping (projecting our issues / pushing our opinions onto others)
✶ What does it mean to “Keep the focus on yourself”?  Many people misuse this phrase. They think it gives them license to say mean, insensitive, invasive things, as long as they start with “Well, it’s just my opinion, but I …”.  Expressing Emotions does NOT mean saying or doing what ever we want, because it can too easily become a form of violence.

WRONG WAY – If we are emotionally dishonest or unaware, we may say:
• “I think you should….”  – negating who they are, what they need or what they know how to do for themselves
• “I know I said I’d help you, but I can’t do it” – AT the last-minute, when they were counting on your promise!
• “It’s just my opinion, but your problem is….”  – & then tell them what’s wrong with them, unsolicited, of course, AND not helpful or even accurate!🔅

• “I don’t t h i n k so!” – when someone tells us an emotional truth or personal insight about themselves
AND if they object, we repeat “Well I have a right to my opinion…”
This is not an opinion, it’s negating our reality in favor of their own
• “I don’t understand how you could…..” – implying that since their action / opinion /emotion is different than yours, it’s not legitimate

RIGHT WAY –  while you can refer to what someone has said or done, you own your reaction to the other person BY :
I statements🔅 taking responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts & actions – “I’m sorry for what I said – a button of mine got pushed & I reacted!”

🔅knowing yourself well enough to identify what motivates you then be willing to say it, in an appropriate situation:
• “I didn’t do ____ because I wanted to be numb for a while / I fell into an old pattern / I’m not allowed to say what I really want

🔅 dealing with your own anger, disappointment or hurt, without blaming or attacking the other person:
• “I’m really angry that you lied to me – I trusted you!”
• “When you said _____, what I heard was ______, & it really it upset me!”
• “I don’t talk like that way (harshly) to myself!
BY
🔅making ‘I’ statements about yourself in an uncomfortable situation:
• “Even if you 2 are OK with this, it so painful for me to hear you insult each other that I need to leave…..”
• “I feel abandoned / hurt / angry / sad that you’re so rarely available to see me, but I know you’re genuinely busy & it’s not personal”
• “I’m getting tickets for —– & I’d love your company. NO? Well, I’m disappointed but understand if you don’t like it, & don’t want to go
OR
🔅 knowing what you need and asking for it, BUT not trying to force the outcome. Al-Anon suggests: ‘Take the action & let go of the result’

• “I stay in that bad job / marriage / friendship… because I’m too afraid of being alone / not having an identity without them / of the abandonment pain I’d have to feel….”

• “That ___ doesn’t work for me because it hurts me too much / it’s not who I am / it goes against my principles….”

NEXT : Victimizing others #2

Victimizing OURSELVES (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

I DON’T KNOW WHY
they give me such a hard time!

PREVIOUS:
Victimizing Ourselves (#2)

SITE:  re. Emotions

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.) to Ourselves (cont.)
4. Confusion // 5. Staying Ignorant // 6. Letting others USE us

7. Lack of Self-Care
♟ We were originally subjected to many different kinds of PMES “care” – some parents were too rigid, some too lax.
a. In some families too much was expected of us (little adults) – to fend for ourselves &/or take care of others – way too early. We did what we could, but even if it was OK, we never believe it’s right or good enough (More….)

b. In others, the hero/martyr parent did too much, without teaching us how to do things – making us naive, ignorant or stupid – & dependent on others
c.  In yet others, they did way too little daily care & maintenance for us, so again we had to fake it – but trying, never learning to do things easily, correctly, efficiently, or at all.  (See Part 1 & 2)

♟  Now we don’t know adult self-care (balance a check book, make a resume, fill out forms…), or we do them sometimes but inconsistently, or simply refuse to do what we really do know how (brush teeth, go to the bathroom before bursting, get enough sleep, eat right, put laundry away …. )

ALSO, ACoAs keep putting off doing certain things we’d actually like to have (a clean house, mended clothes, a better education, shed weight…). We obsess about them, but ‘refuse’ to act – even though procrastinating makes us feel bad about ourselves. We can’t win for losing!
E.A.: disgust, frustration, guilt, shame, S-H

8. Repressing
It may seem strange at first, but shutting off emotions or trying to sit on them is definitely a form of E.A.! 
Unfortunately for the deluded part of us (PP & WIC) we can’t actually change or control Emotions by repressing, ignoring or denying them. We can only freeze them – but they’re still underneath, causing anxiety or painful numbness!

The more we try to control our Es, the stronger the unconscious counter-reaction, making us more & more frightened of ‘loosing control’. This leads to a vicious cycle of :
🥁 Having intense Es —> pushing them down (repression) —> then maybe acting them out – badly —> then having a negative internal reaction —> then shutting down again….. adding a mountain of stress to our already overflowing emotional pressure-cooker

EXP: Some of us can go day after day functioning normally on the outside, seemingly even-tempered & pleasant.  Then all of a sudden we over-react to something relatively trivial or harmless – as if out of nowhere. We can’t figure out what happened & everyone around us is shocked.
It’s one sign that we’re been stock-piling Es (old &new), instead of dealing with them as they come up.

Eventually suppressed Es fill our energy capacity to the brim (emotions = energy to act) & we explode in rage, in a panic attack &/or physical illness OR implode into depression, mental confusion & immobility (T.E.A.)repression explosion

• Unfortunately for our Inner Life, Western society was founded on Puritan stoicism, which included hiding emotions, being ashamed & afraid of them. This has been translated into political correctness – especially about showing Es in public, which are judged as ‘loosing it’ & a great sign of personal weakness.

People feel uncomfortable with anyone who expresses pain overtly!  Yet we are all born with Emotions, for good reasons, & need to accept & deal with them – appropriately
E.As: cut off – from amusement / humor, joy, love, sympathy….

9. Hurting others  (“How ACoAs Abandon Others” posts)
Here we’re talking about how we victimize ourselves by beating ourselves up  (S-H) for hours, days or years – for having been controlling, hostile, negligent, unfaithful, selfish …. to someone.
This is not the same as taking responsibility for our actions. While our behavior may have directly or adversely affected another person (or not), the internal backlash we suffer afterward is not worth the short-term satisfaction we got from acting out on them in the moment.

NEXT: Victimizing Others

Victimizing OURSELVES (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: Victimizing ourselves #1

Review posts:
• Toxic Beliefs // • our WIC   • the Introject

 

EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.) to Ourselves (cont.)
1. Self-hate // 2. Addictions // 3. Going to the wrong people

4. Confusion” (Posts)
♟ HARMING others
• Sometimes we don’t even recognize we said / did something hurtful. So we don’t understand why someone blew us off – we lose a friend, a job, a lover, even a child…. without a clue how we contributed to the loss. OR…

• …. we’re angry, controlling, manipulative…. with someone close to us because they aren’t who or what we want them to be. We’re so desperate to get what we need from them – even though it’s impossible!stay/leave
▫️ If it’s to an external child, we have to accept the reality of their age & personality limitations
▫️ If it’s toward another adult, we have to accept them too, BUT can also distance ourselves, or leave

🔅 NOT HARMING = At the other extreme –
• many of us agonize about hurting someone, when we were not abusive – just taking care of ourself, being assertive, protecting our WIC, or legitimately stopping someone from stepping on us. The other person :
🔸 may get hurt or angry that we set a boundary – which is theirs to deal with
🔸 OR they may not have been affected at all, so we’re just mind-reading, projecting our own WIC on to them.  Either way we’re confused

BTW, feeling angry is not at all abusive. How it’s expressed is the issue. As long as what we say is truthful, and we use ‘I’ statements (‘That’s not what I meant”, “I will not be talked to like that!!”….).
Reminder : “Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean”.
E.As: agonized, anxious, ashamed, guilty, obsessed, S-H, worried

denial5. Staying Ignorant
• It’s both being in Denial (don’t know you don’t know something) – but also not willing to ‘go inside’ to find out what’s keeping you stuck, by digging up the mental & emotional garbage we accumulated from childhood on
• AND deliberately choosing Suppression / Distraction – to ignore unpleasant truths about ourself we do know but don’t want to face or correct (our wounds)

While it may seem safer either way, it’s guaranteed to slowly starve our heart, mind & soul – never finding out who our True Self is. Ignorance is NOT bliss!
E.As: frustration, stubbornness, powerlessness

6. Letting others Use us
Whether we’re new to Recovery, & have self-hate, or have been working on ourself a long time (& still have low self-esteem), family patterns show up in our life from time to time, but especially in intimate relationships. It happens even when our self-confidence has improved in other areas.hooked helping
WHAT
We let people take advantage of us – even offer to be used – with our body, our time, money, talents…. feeling ‘happy’ that someone wants to be with us!
• It’s the sneaky ways we get sucked in to being used by others (co-dep, people-pleasing, passivity….) whether they mean to or not. Before we know it we’re in deep & may spend years in disadvantaged positions, giving our power away – anything to not face FoA!
THEN
Because our parents were incompetent in so many ways, we were forced to or felt obligated to take care of them (run the household, not have needs, act as therapist…)
They took advantage of our intelligence, creativity, love, generosity – and desperation – so they wouldn’t have to grow up & be responsible for themselves – never mind for us!
NOW
• We choose people to be with or let them pick us. who are as immature & dysfunctional as our family (or worse), & then proceed to fill the role we know, as caretaker-victim. OR….
• ….we project our parent’s immaturity & craziness onto everyone we deal with, assuming they ‘neeeed’ us the way our family did, even people who are obviously functioning well – because we don’t know how to relate to someone who doesn’t actually need us in a twisted way

• We clearly got the message at home that our needs don’t count – only those of other people. So we can do miraculous things for them, getting to use our intelligence, ingenuity & drive – as long as it’s not for ourself!
E.A.: disappointed, betrayed, enraged, exhausted, frustrated,  S-H

NEXT: Victimizing ourselves #3