PREVIOUS: “Trying to leave you” (#3)

STYLES of  ‘Leaving’

1. ACoA AVOIDERS (Part 3)

2. ACoA CLINGERS (cont)
b. Shame
c. Control

d. Care-taking
• We take care of them, listen, take time, help with practical things, do way more than we should, pay for everything, worry, do research, take them to get help…. We must fix them, so it’ll work out.. anything to NOT have to leave them!
• THEN we feel resentful that we’re not appreciated, that they’re not getting healthier, not treating us better, not seeing or valuing all we’ve done!

e. Guilt
ACoA GUILT is generated by breaking a Toxic Rule. Re. the current topic it’s about : “Other people’s needs & feelings are more important than mine”.
• We thoroughly believe we can’t let others know what we really think, how we feel about things that bother us, what we actually want – so we don’t ‘upset’ them, make them angry, make them cut us off

• We stay, & suffer, because to stand up for ourselves would cause us too much guilt, which we can’t bear
• We stay because the other person guilts us (see ‘victim’) – “I need you, I’ll kill myself, I can’t make it alone, no one else understands me….”

f. Victim
• We complain to everyone about how bad things are, but don’t change what we can – playing a martyr
• We threaten the other person with leaving, but as long as we’re ambivalent, they don’t take us seriously
• If the other person plays the victim card, we identify with them so much, we can’t abandon them – after all, they say they LOVE US so-o-o much!

g. Self-Hate (see posts)
• When we’re with narcissists, addicts, the emotionally immature… who can’t connect with us as equals, we feel deeply lonely.  Since we’re so used to that from childhood, we think it’s normal AND that it’s our fault!
• We’re so beaten down by the verbal / physical abuse of parent, partner, ‘friend’, boss, cult, religion…… that we believe no one else will want us/ hire us, just like our family didn’t care & told us we were wrong, a nuisance, stupid & worthless

h. Bargaining
• When we DO notice something’s wrong in the relationship, we bargain with ourselves, the other person, even H.P.:
“If he gets help / stops using / stays sober – I’ll stay”
“If we have another kids, he won’t want to leave”
OR
“If they give me a raise, change my chair, give me less work, get off my back … I can do this”
“If I help him out financially, just for a little while, he won’t be so depressed, so violent, so suicidal….“
“If she only got a job / lost weight / had more sex with me, things would be ok”
“If they give me a raise, change my chair, give me less work, get off my back … I can do this”
….  BUT we’re just conning ourself!

i. Staying too long
This is not just about friends or lovers – but ALSO about staying with teachers, doctors, therapists, school…. when it’s the wrong fit or no longer working – even clothes we’ve outgrown, homes or cities we don’t belong in ….. AND books, movies….. we don’t like at all, but finish them any way (“hate-read, hate-watch”….). LEARN : It’s OK to LEAVE!!

j. Getting Dumped
• All ACoAs have a deep fear of commitment, so will hang on & on & on rather than be on our own….. even when we know very well that certain ‘people, places & things’ are not good for us or not what we want

💔 So when it becomes painfully clear that the other person is done
with us, some ACoAs just can’t believe or accept it!  We’ll stubbornly stick around, keep pushing for an explanation, cajoling, manipulating…..
• When we do get dumped, some of us chase after the person – texting, calling, threatening, begging….

OUTCOME : Whether we do the leaving or get left, having our old abandonment pain re-awakened is excruciating! We can’t think, eat, sleep…. that childhood terror of being totally dependent & powerless to get taken care of.
HOWEVER —
✶ We are NO longer children. We can deal with the WIC’s pain & will heal it if we face  with the old damage when it gets triggered, learn to cope with losses in a new way, & CHOOSE healthier connections.

 NEXT: Romantic Attraction Qs – #1