Year: 2013

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

many voicesI CONFUSE MYSELF WITH
many conflicting points of viewHealthy Adult & Healthy Adult &

PREVIOUS: Resist dialoguing, #2

SITE : “Importance Of Internal Dialogue In Leading A Happy & Successful Life”

POST:“Ego States – Basics” (Adult, Parent, Child)

TOPIC: TOOL for Recovery / healing IS
Healthy Adult & Loving Parent <–> Inner Child dialoguing

For ACoAs, the GOAL of this process is to shift the WIC’s focus away from believing all the harmful, distorted & untrue things it hears from the Introject – to stop the Child from relying on that voice for it’s identity & way of functioning in the world.
We need to woo the WIC away from the PigP & redirect it’s attention to our Healthy Adult & the newly developed Loving PARENT. To do that we use written & verbal dialogues, gradually replacing the harsh voice which originally created our self-hate

EVERYONE has inner dialogues all the time – called self-talk. We argue pros & cons, debating: “Should I or shouldn’t I?”, we obsessively argue with a ‘real’ person about something that bothers us – but only in our head, we hear the ‘voice’ of our parents or a religious figure scolding or lecturing…. AND no one thinks that’s crazy. SO – why not conversations with our younger self??

A common Q about talking with the Inner Child: “Is it supposed to grow up, go away or what?”
ANS: We want to heal the wounded child & bring forward the Natural one, which is our essence. Then they interact with the other 2 E.S. to make a whole person. (Review ADULT #2)

 🗣FORMS of SELF-TALK
a. Most of the time we think in the ‘I’ form, which is either the Adult, Part 1 or the Inner Child, positively or negatively.
➕ If the statements are positive “I’d rather not do that – thanks all the same, I need more sleep, I’ll study for that exam today…” that’s the Healthy Adult
OR
“I want to see that movie, I looove my cat, give me some more ice cream, I don’t want to be around that —, it doesn’t feel good….” you’re hearing the healthy Child

➖ If the statements in the “I” form are negative, harsh, painful…. then we know it’s the Wounded Inner Child (WIC) who is in self-hate or hopeless mode: “I can’t do anything right, no one likes me, I can’t stand being ignored!, I’ll never get anywhere – I might as well give up….”TAs P:A:C

b. However, when we talk to ourselves in the “You” form, our Inner Parent is talking to the Inner Child, probably without realizing it.
➕ If the statements are positive, then our Loving / Nurturing Parent may say: “You can do it, you’re so smart – I’m proud of you, I know you’re in pain & I’m here with you, you’ll do better next time….”

➖ If the ‘You’ statements are mean, discouraging, judgmental… we know it’s the Introject (PigP / Bad Parent) talking to the Child part of us:
”You should have known better than to —, You could have done that if you’d tried harder, You blew it, you — !, You’re in trouble now! You’re so stupid, No one’s ever going to like you” ….

ACoAs: Notice that our self-talk is rarely if ever positive**, supportive, congratulatory…. Instead, we have perpetual toxic internal voices, with either the PigP haranguing the WIC or the WIC attacking itself, in agreement with the PigP

Some of us have a fairly well-developed Adult (from life experience & native intelligence) but only use it at work &/or to benefit others. Most of us are skating by on the WIC’s version of an Adult – which is very limited & full of CDs (cognitive distortions).
Even when we have a competent Adult ego state, we’re still missing the Good Parent – the main thing we’re trying to create with this tool.

**POSITIVE: Emotions are NEVER negative or positive – are just to be acknowledged, not changed or eliminated.
Only thoughts or actions (T.E.A.) can be helpful or harmful, encouraging or discouraging, useful or wasteful, valuable or worthless, producing growth or stagnation…. SO they can be corrected when they’re self-defeating.
(POST: Being Negative means….)

NEXT: Resist Talking to the IC (#2)

ACCEPTANCE & ACoAs (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Acceptance #2

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


2. HEALTHY ACCEPTANCE (cont)
🔸TWO USES
a. To break thru Denial
No matter what topic / issue we’re working on, of the 3 As – Acceptance takes the longest time, since it includes:

✶ PAIN: This is hard, because we’ve already suffered so much, we don’t want any more, & don’t believe it’ll ever end if we let ourselves ‘go there’force time

✶ TIME: We don’t want to hear that – after all, healing will take ‘forever’! (WIC thinks = probably never).
We want it all now, because – if something isn’t immediate, the I.C. is sure it’ll never happen – just more ‘proof’ that “the Universe or God is against us”!

Actually – it’s only the family, not the Universe nor God that is against us (as the Introject), no matter what we think!
— Also, most ACoAs don’t have a realistic sense of how long things take, whether renovating an apartment or renovating our mind!

✶ PROCESS – (another concept we hate!), which goes on too darn long AND we don’t know how to do it. It all feels way too risky & overwhelming!  No wonder we want to skip the middle ‘A’.

b. To increase Healing
This also takes time, because accepting good things into our life makes us very uncomfortable. It not only disobeys several Toxic Rules, but also – we’ve been living in a distorted universe (a broken down shack).
We’ve gotten used to walking at a slant, crabbing along crooked walls, with some rooms we’re not allowed in & others we hang out in that are filled with poisonous gas & broken furniture.
We don’t actually belong there, but the WIC is convinced we don’t have the right or the ability to move out! AND the PigP (Introject) doesn’t want to free us

accept, growThe way across – from shack to castle – seems invisible. But just like Indiana Jones, when we take that first step, suddenly a narrow bridge appears that will get us to the other side. For a while we totter along with our arms out, always afraid we’ll fall into the abyss.

Sometimes we run back to the familiar ugliness, & then tentatively try again.  Eventually we see & feel that the ‘home’ we though was safest turns into the slum it always was, & staying in it becomes less & less ‘comfortable’, until we never want to go back.

💗Some Positive things to Accept and CELEBRATE:
• Recovery is possible, for each of us, according to our capacity
• It’s OK to make mistakes – without feeling stupid or humiliated
• There’s no such thing as failure, only opportunities to try out new things & learn from whatever don’t work for us
• There are safe, kind people around & they do & will like or love our True Self
• It’s good to take time out. Vegging is useful & necessary, from time to time – for processing our experiences & our emotions
WE have:
• many good qualities and talents. Make a positive inventory & call it the “ME LIST”
• the right to be loved unconditionally, & to love others without sacrificing ourselves
• a right to all our emotions, & to express them appropriately

celebrate❣️ We’re OK just as we are, today, imperfectly
❣️ We can follow our bliss & express all our talents

The 3 As can be used in small ways every day, to improve our life:
A-1 = AWARE that I’m not feeling well today, and are also pleased with my progress…
A-2 = ACCEPT that I can take care of myself, I don’t have to be on the go all the time, I can only do so much….
A-3 = ACTION – that I can call in sick, stay in, get help, cancel something, rest… I can enjoy having fun or being quiet….
♥ YOU are worth the effort, whether or not your family valued you.♥

NEXT: CDs & the 3 As

ACCEPTANCE & ACoAs (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

accept-serene 

ACCEPTANCE ISN’T SO BAD
once I understand it

PREVIOUS:
Acceptance & ACoAs (# 1)

 

1. The PROBLEM (cont)
🔹 Negative MEANING (cont)
We (self-destructively) ACCEPT that we deserve / or must endure:
• being controlled, verbal abuse, disrespect,
• being treated like a dumb kid (we were never dumb, even as kids!)
• being over-looked, unappreciated, ignored
• having to let others use, manipulate & torture us
• having to deny / destroy ourselves in order for others to be OK
AND TO
• not be able to have a positive impact on our world (be effectual)
Hansel & Grethel• never finding love & validation, since our parents didn’t (narcissists attach, but don’t actually love others)
• only staying with unavailable, distant, cruel & selfish people (note the parents in Hansel & Grethel).
• staying small & ‘weak’, not knowing how to take care of ourselves

Our Toxic Rules are so deeply ingrained that even when we start having useful, valid new information about ourself & the people in our life (A1), we still skip over A2, automatically going to A3.
Whenever we have any new Awareness, ACoAs immediately ask: “What can I / should I DO about it?” (Action is not Acceptance) . This Chart shows why :
NEG 3 As
We compulsively SKIP the middle ‘A’ because:
• it’ll make us safer, considering the harmful CD we think it means
• our whole culture focuses on Action (just DO it!)
• our culture does not value process, ONLY immediate gratification
AND
• we’ve been waiting so long for something better to come along, we don’t want it to take time. The WIC is convinced that if we’re told to wait, it means it’ll never happen / never get our needs met
• our dysfunctional family made their approval conditional (if at all) – based on our actions that suited them. If you act bad, you’re bad, if you act good, we ‘love’ you – sort of.  YUCK. Healthy love is unconditional!

We think we have no choice, trapped in a double bind:
• on the one hand – we hate the rules we grew up with
• on the other hand – we’re terrified to disobey them, ever.
So, since OUR version of acceptance is so painful & debilitating, we keep trying to ignore it altogether, as if we could control the truth away!

♦️                                   ♦️                                ♦️
2. HEALTHY ACCEPTANCE
ALL Acceptance is simply acknowledging the TRUTH about things, without any makeup or mask. It’s ONLY about what actually is or was! It’s about reality, not what we wish things were like, what we think they should be, what others say things are, or even what could potentially be.

Acceptance is only about WHAT IS, such as:
• being damaged in childhood, whether from an alcoholic family or not
• that it caused us great harm
• that we are NOT the source of that damage
• that we’re responsible for working toward healing that damage, no matter how unfair
• that people aren’t always what we want them to be
• that we don’t have the power nor the right to try changing others
• seeing who people ACTUALLY are, not ignoring the parts that hurt us….

ACCEPTING good things requires that we slowly:
• leave behind all our ratty, smelly baggage & garbage in the old internal universe, carrying that broken down spooky old mess we grew up in, dropping the rags of our False Self , a piece at a time
• patiently move our God-given True Self into a beautiful new Inner Universe, with a castle that we have the full deed to, which has level floors, clearly defined halls, stairs & comfortable rooms, with cozy furnishings just to our taste!

NEXT: Healthy A2 – Cont. (#3)

ACCEPTANCE & ACoAs (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

'acceptance' stampACCEPTANCE – BAH!
I don’t like it, so I’ll ignore it

PREVIOUS: Healthy Give & Take

QUOTE: “Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.”
― G.R.R. Martin, Game of Thrones

😁 Calvin: “Now what state do you live in?”
Hobbes: Denial.” ― Bill Watterson 

1. The ‘PROBLEM’
ACCEPTANCE is the middle ‘A’ of Al-Anon’s 3 As (2. Awareness — 3. Action).  Correctly understanding & using this concept will make our life much clearer & saner.
For ACoAs this pesky A2 is the most misunderstood & the one many ACoAs HATE!  We don’t even want to acknowledge it’s something we need to deal with, because of thinking that “I can’t accept anything I don’t like or is too painful”, which is a CD – cognitive distortion

DEF : A2 does NOT mean –
• liking or not liking something! – a MAJOR misconception
• staying a victim, accepting our lot in life, being resigned
• giving up, not trying, not looking for a way up & out
• putting up with ‘crap’ from people, including our Introject’s bad voice
• sitting around waiting for things to happen or for someone to rescue us

Parts 2 & 3 will explain what it IS. Sadly, as in other areas of life, ACoAs will turn almost anything against themself, even good things. But first let’s see how we do use the 3 As, in the service of our dis-ease, a shorthand for all of our toxic thinking.
Negative MEANING of the 3 As
To put Acceptance in context, the unside downalcoholic / narcissistic family message given children is —
“You are Bad, We are Good, the World is Bad”.
And the WIC understands this triple threat to mean:
Neg. A-1 = “I’m so bad, no one will ever love me”, &
Neg. A-2 = “I try to ignore it, but believe it absolutely”
Neg. A-3 = so – “I must be perfect, (or dead!), to make up for it” 

These 3 became the foundation of our world view – being stuck with this awful protocol without any possibility of escape. Negatives EXPANDED :
A1 = Awareness re. US – the deep-seated belief of the WIC that we’re unworthy, not entitled, beyond redemption! (S-H)

A2 = Acceptance re. THEM – that our family was right about everything, which we absorbed from their overt / covert brain-washing. Guess whose opinions we still hold on to!? We believed them because :
• all humans are intensely loyal to their upbringing – it’s our most basic connection to others
• it’s the way our brain got programmed – every experience created the neural pathways which formed our understanding of life (“How we Learn“)
• AND ‘they’ constantly made it clear that we were un-acceptable. Some parents even used God, spirituality & religion to convince us of their beliefs!

As a result we were trained to accepted all sorts of terrible things as normal & inevitable for the rest of our life, in obedience to our family & community’s lessons

dangerous worldA3 = Action re. the WORLD – everything & everyone who’s not part of our distorted & insulated family mobile is considered dangerous, unhelpful, unwelcoming, indifferent…. since our family (& community) forced on us their narrow, alcoholic, bigoted view of the world. Our actions reflects this.

Unhealed ACoAs deal with the ‘A3‘ BY:
• Defiance of all authority & systems, which have become substitutes for our parents.
We can hate outside forces instead of admitting our rage at the family.
AND since the world is SO-O-O dangerous – we’re NOT going to give in or let them get us! OR —
• Compliance – we have to give in, keep our head down, hide in the shadows, so no one will get us!

NEXT: Acceptance & ACoAs (#2)

CDs & Al-Anon’s 3 As

dmtorbi ACoAs

 

PREVIOUS: Healthy give & take #3

SITE: “Codependence & the 3 A’s: Awareness, Acceptance & Action”

 

See ACRONYM pg. for abrrev.

CD = Cognitive Distortions

AWARENESS (A-1)
It’s imperative we don’t expect Recovery changes in our thinking to be in a straight line or done perfectly (S-H), nor to be immediate (impatience of the WIC).
However, positive shifts can occur with repetition & enthusiasm. We do have direct control over what we think, even when it goes contrary to our emotional state. We can choose to think a different way until it becomes habit & then it’ll ‘feel’ valid.  Understanding this process will help to be in charge of ourselves

• It pays to be purposeful. At first what’s required is to gradually become aware of all the thoughts & beliefs that create anxiety, depression, S-H, rage, over-reactions, pessimism, fear of abandonment…..
EXP: “I can’t try that new job ,  I’m sure something’s wrong with me…”, or “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going to eat worms & die!”

safe feelingsACCEPTANCE (A-2): Always remember that thoughts & emotions are 2 separate forms of energy, not to be rolled together, even though they’re related as cause-&-effect. SO:
• we can feel (E) hopeless but know (T) that many things in the present are not
• we can feel self-hate but know that we are not bad, worthless….
• we can feel suicidal but know we have a right to live!….. because now WE ARE SAFE!

CD programming makes it hard to ignore the unhealthy things we’ve learned. So when we first correct distorted self-reinforced thought patterns, it FEELS like the new info is a lie OR dangerous (in relation to the family system)

🐰Because it’s so uncomfortable, & we feel embarrassed by how sappy the statements are that no way is the WIC going to believe them…. we just won’t want to accept the changes. However, we have to ‘act as if’. To not totally revert, we need a lot of support, the presence of the UNIT (Adult & Good Parent ego states), & ‘faith in the process’. Progress, not perfection!

• Change the tape anyway!  Each time we do, the huge loudspeaker at our back blaring verbal ugliness will shrink a little & the tiny one in front squeaking out Recovery will get a little taller & clearer.
✓ Some ways of dilating the aperture into the conscious mind are – hypnosis, biofeedback, guided imagery, EFT , NLP…..(self-administered, or professionally) and prayer, which more easily allows the introduction of contrary concepts into the unconscious (“how the brain learns“)

ACTIONS (A-3): Since thoughts are stored in one of 2 ways, so too can corrective habits be developed:
i.  BY simple repetition:  Replace a CD with a new thought 4-5x a day, which only takes 30 seconds at a time. So it’s not the amount of time but the consistent effort that pays off

ii. By associating a thought, decision, conclusion, action or experience with a strong emotion. Sometimes it’ll only take 1 or 2 trials for it to click, making the shift less of a hassle
Pair a thought, like : “I am comfortable in groups of any size” with a pleasurable emotion, like – enthusiasm, excitement, positive anticipation, curiosity…. which can turbocharge the replacement process

talents• Moving outside the mind’s comfort zone is challenging, but instead of suffering so much because of CDs, we can gradually:
😁 own the talents & skills we already possess & may already been using
😽 improve any weakness in knowledge, social skills, style of learning or work habits…. to make us feel better about ourselves & more confident in the world

• We can determine to make the effort of challenging the Bad Parent voice (PigP), even though it doesn’t “feel” right at first, & our conscious mind ridicules us for suggesting it.
ACoAs will often say: “I feel so awkward talking the Inner Child”, so we stop! instead of persisting until the dissonance melts away, which it will.
(Extended article by Dr. W. D. Fabian)

NEXT: Acceptance & ACoAs #1

ACoAs – Healthy GIVE & TAKE (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth


PREVIOUS :Give & Take #2

SITE: “Relational Sphere Hypothesis” (includes 4 universal kinds of social interactions: Communality, Dominance, Reciprocity & Exchange)


HEALTHY RECIPROCITY (cont.)

Beneficial exchanges of any kind DEPEND ON:
a. Knowing our needs.
b. Trusting ourselves.

c. Who we’re dealing with. If we can’t trust our own judgement we can’t be awake enough to identify who’s safe to take from & who’s not!
TOXIC Rules: “ No one is safe or trustworthy” , “Never, ever, hold anyone else accountable for their bad behavior”
ASK :
🔎 When was the last time this person stepped up for me when they knewI was in need? (don’t expect mind-reading)
🔎 Do I feel drained or filled after spending time with this person?
🔎 Are they someone I can count on – the way they can count on me?
🔎 Do they appreciate what I bring to the relationship – the way I appreciate them?chaos

d. The circumstances. When there’s too much uncertainly (as in alcoholic family chaos), exchanges are not possible, as one or both parties will tend to hold on to all their ‘valuables’ – time, info, money, affection, confidences….
TOXIC Rules: “Life is suffering” , “Don’t expect anything good – ever”

ACoAs – with the focus so completely on the family addicts & narcissists, we were left out of the loop of information (Ts), nurturing (Es) & protection (As) that any healthy parent would have provided.
Our training to not-be-given-to goes so deep that even the thought of someone legitimately treating us well can cause anxiety. It can actually feels dangerous, terrifying & physically painful!

EXP: A successful business man found out (from some careful questioning) that over the past 10 years he had employed 3 different assistants who were ACoAs. One of them, Jane, was not only efficient at work but had consistently gone above & beyond her duties to ‘take care’ of her boss.

• This CEO wanted to show Jane his appreciation in addition to the usually expected business ‘gifts’, & asked her what he could do for her.  She was adamant that he should do nothing more. He was puzzled & insisted she receive some additional compensation, such as an all expense paid vacation or free school tuition. She began to shake & cry, insisting she could not possible take anything more. Her reaction was so intense that he finally backed off, shaking his head in

Reminder: Don’t confuse positive givers and narc takers! If you consistently have unhappy experiences with someone (narcissist, controller, bully), stop giving to them.
Giving them anything or expecting reciprocation – will always disappoint. Eventually you will be drained, get angry, then hopeless – & back in your childhood!
Unjustified giving is the WIC’s denial of past & present abandonments: trying frantically to create reciprocity with someone who’s not capable – wanting / demanding to get a return on our investment, in an impossible situation.

BASICS : To get more comfortable with the idea of receiving, it’s helpful to know some universal facts about how human society functions. In social psychology, the “norm of reciprocity” is the expectation (assumption) that people will respond to someone else’s behavior in like manner – they will reward a positive action with another positive action, & conversely will react to hostile behavior by responding either with indifference or hostility.
The focus is centered on trading favors rather than making a negotiation or a contract with others.

• Reciprocity is basically an exchange of energy,  beneficial to all concerned when the exchange is positive. It’s something everyone needs, like trees exchanging their oxygen for our carbon dioxide. So being a receiver is just as vital to smooth social functioning as being a supplier

And it’s not just about the things that are exchanged, which may or may not have value in themselves, but needed as a linking mechanism used as social capital (spend/expend) to bond with others – hopefully to create trust, affection & solidarity. It’s a powerful mechanism for creating & maintaining social ties of all types – anywhere from 2 friends to 2 nations.

NOTE: Accepting honest kindness, respect & generosity from others is a way to say you value them. They’re also some of the same ways we can give back.

NEXT: Healthy give & take #4

ACoAs – Healthy GIVE & TAKE (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

reciprocity
THE MORE I KNOW ABOUT MYSELF
the more I can enjoy what I’m offered

PREVIOUS: Give & Take (#1)

 

WHAT TO TAKE from others – or NOT

👎🏽 Saying ‘NO’ requires that we know enough about ourselves & our rights – to make the best choices.
In some cases it also depends on who’s offering & why. If the giver is a relative, a boss or important client, taking the gift may be the kindest, or wisest thing to do, regardless of our taste. We can always regift

But if it’s close family or friends who are supposed to know who we are – & they insist on giving us things that are clearly not appropriate or suited to us – it’s legitimate to say “No thank you!”

EXP: Paula & Sharon were BFFs who lived in adjacent buildings & spent a lot of time in each other’s place. Paula was ‘earthy’ & preferred antiques, while Sharon liked everything bright, shiny & new. For their B/days (one day apart) they exchanged lovely gift BUT Paula always gave Sharon things that were her taste & totally NOT Sharon’s.

After a few years of this Sharon finally spoke up, asking to be considered accurately. The following gift again did not fit Sharon clothes or decor, so with regret, she gave the gift back!
PS. Years later Sharon developed another close friendship, also an ACoA, who admitted not knowing how to give appropriate gifts. They solved it by exchanging a short list of what each would like, to choose from. It worked great.accept good

Say YES to:
• complements about anything – looks, skills, style, accomplishments, knowledge, talents,  creativity
• freely given generosity – of money, help, provisions, short-term free services, lending something you need
•  kindness, respect, positive attention, appreciation….. any time
• offers of aid when you most need it
• new ideas, suggestions, other people’s experiences we can learn from
• something frivolous & fun – just because!

CONSIDER: Rejecting someone’s good-faith offers of time, kind words or small objects – is a way to dismiss the person as unimportant, & can un-necessarily hurt their feelings. It implies that what they’re not good enough for you

EXP: In early Recovery Sean was reminded to appreciate whenever he was complemented, rather than negate it by explaining at length why he didn’t deserve the acknowledgement. His sponsor said: “It’s insulting to the person who is giving you a gift, by throwing it back in their face. Just say ‘thank you’ & then zip the lip.”
He remembered thinking: “OK, I’ll just say thank you, but privately I don’t have to agree!”  Oh well, Progress – not Perfection! Eventually he was able to appreciate genuine praise.

HEALTHY RECIPROCITY
IMP: Being reciprocal means that we are supposed to receive something in return for our efforts – it can be a Thank You, a smile, a vacation or even a house! It means we ‘allow’ others to give to us in return for something positive we have done (once or regularly) – OR just because they like us! Can you imagine?

Being able to receive is a normal part of life. This is hard for many ACoAs to believe & grasp – if we’ve been blindly obeying Toxic Rules such as “Only other people’s needs count”. Do-ing for others is all we know & taking anything makes us feel guilty! Because we don’t feel worthy of anything good, we’re not comfortable receiving – even when it’s done freely & with pleasure.

Beneficial EXCHANGES of any kind DEPEND ON:
know thyselfa. Knowing our needs. Directly or indirectly, we were taught to ignore & deny them. So now – how can we know what to take & what to reject, if we can’t tell what’s good for us or what we need?
TOXIC rules: “No one wants to help me, nor ever will” , “I should never be comforted when in pain”….(Post : Our Rights)

b. Trusting ourselves. We learned that we could never believe our own thoughts, experiences, emotions, good judgement or intuition!
They told us everything we felt was wrong, stupid or the opposite! So now – how can we identify what feels right for us or not?
TOXIC Rules: “It’s weak & dangerous to have needs, ask for help, have our emotions”

NEXT: Give & Take (#3)

ACoAs – Healthy GIVE & TAKE (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

taking in love
I CAN TAKE IN GOOD THINGS –
& I decide what they are or are not

PREVIOUS: Give & Take (#2)

SITEs: The UNDER-Receiving OVER-Giver
• 5 reasons why it’s HARD to RECEIVE


WHAT TO TAKE from others – or NOT
ACoAs have a tendency to do everything in extremes, black & white, no room for fitting an action or emotion to the current situation. This applies to the issue of ‘receiving’.
🔻 Because we think that taking anything is a form of manipulation, we don’t want to seem greedy or taking advantage of others.
🔺 But, as with all mental health, we need a balance. Not everyone is like our family, many of whom were selfish & stingy or insensitive & oblivious.

👍🏽 👎🏽 People GIVE – based on their state of mental health:
• healthy ones only offer what they legitimately have, can & want to do
• co-dependents usually give others what they want for themselves but aren’t allowed to have. They want to fix you (whether you nsharingeed it or not) so you’ll be well enough to take care of them in return, hoping you’ll intuitively know to do that

• narcissists only extend themselves to give whatever they like to do or give, which has nothing to do with you
– If their offer doesn’t suit you, say “no thanks & don’t give it a second thought
– If it does suit, don’t agonize & wonder why they’re doing it & what you have to do in return – just take it & smile.
AND – they do love to be appreciated & fawned over!

1. START from the assumption that IF someone volunteers something, they have the ability & the willingness to give you what’s offered. Take it at face value. In general, people like to share what they know, what they have & what they create. They feel good about it & we have the right to take it

NOTE: It’s usually best to accept what’s offered as a way of respecting the positive motivation of the giver. This is not co-dependence, as long as you also feel free to refuse, when appropriate

2. EXCEPTIONS to taking something offered. You can say “no thanks” :
👎🏽 taking what’s suggested would in any way harm you or someone else
👎🏽 because you don’t like / can’t stand it
👎🏽 if it truly does not fit your genuine needs & tastes – especially if you ask for something specific but offered something completely different
👎🏽 when a gift or action is inappropriate for the current situation (‘too soon’, not ‘that kind of friend’, not age-appropriate….)
👎🏽 if you already know that the ‘offerer’ is manipulative, sneaky or will use it against you – based on experience reject the bad

Say ‘NO’ to anything which retards Recovery, & is:
• against your principles & spiritual beliefs
• generally harmful / abusive
• mentally repetitive &/or boring
• not your right to have
• not what you need at the moment
• not suited to your personality or your taste
• something you’ve outgrown
• something you don’t want, ever
• useless & a waste of your time

Use EFT to make a shift – for each step, tap or thump the points while breathing IN thru the nose & OUT thru the mouth – 3X

😩 BEGIN with the negative BELIEFS you want to change / undo.
EXP: “I can’t receive. It’s not ok to get things. I’m only supposed to give”
Specific aspects of the main self-defeating statement are combined with tapping parts of the face & body : eyebrow, side of & under eye, under nose, on chin, collarbone, under arm & top of head

💚 REVERSE: New statements are combined with tapping the same face & body parts, in the same sequence, refining the desired outcome with each successive area. (MORE….)
EXP: While tapping Collarbone, say: “I’d like to receive respect, honest responses & encouragement from those I love, & from those who work with me”….. AND

❤️ END with – Top of the Head: I am so happy to receive; I receive divine gifts of time, energy, playfulness, joy, laughter, delight, but especially love. Love is the best gift to receive. I receive love now.” (Also Fear of being loved)

NEXT: Healthy Give & Take (Part 2)

ACoAs – NOT allowed to RECEIVE (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS : Can’t receive #3

 

2. ACoA assumptions ABOUT OTHERS (cont.)

WE BELIEVE :
a. On the one hand =
• that everyone‘s hiding the ‘truth’ that there’s “not enough to go around”, so they have nothing to spare – for us. This is the alcoholic ‘Law of Scarcity’ : the glass is always half-full or less —
— which means we can’t expect anything, so why bother trying, since everyone we deal with is as needy as we (secretly) are. They’re always going to want too much from us – more than we can possibly give. If we let our guard down, even a little, by engaging in any kind of exchange, they’ll suck us dry!not enough love

• that no one is naturally generous & so never gives freely. Everyone has an ulterior motive – to take & use us, only for their benefit. When people volunteer anything that seems good, we have to be on guard & figure out why they’re offering, or what they really want

• no one is safe or trustworthy. Better to not take anything so we don’t have to give anything back. To give even a little is to lose everything (ourselves)
• we can’t accept any favors, because we won’t be able to repay it enough, & then we’ll be mad & punish us for not providing exactly what they need or want (mind-reading them). Better to keep everyone at arm’s length

REALITY: Most people do not want the equivalent of ‘our first-born child’.
They do want at least a modicum of acknowledgment, respect & pleasantness. Most will definitely appreciate a hello, a thank you, a smile, maybe some light conversation.
ACoAs would do well to develop small talk – yes even Introverts! – a legitimate social lubricant, since it’s not appropriate to lay a heavy trip on everyone we meet! Save that for your journal, therapy, BFFs & Program. But it’s also not ‘normal’ to have nothing to say.

b. On the other hand = 
• we feel so worthless or evil that we should be dead, yet try to survive. TO be ‘allowed’ to exist we have to do & be whatever others want. That’s the only way to get anything – but indirectly.  So WE:manipulate
i. Manipulate 
• control, bully, out-smart, out-think everyone
• use sexual attraction, great salesmanship & charm
• OR be weak & needy so others feel sorry for us

Because we’re not allowed to ask for anything outright (god forbid!), most ACoAs trudge thru life in long-suffering limbo, desperately hoping someone will figure out what we want or need & give us a crumb or two.  CODA points out that we stay in bad relationships because of the scraps of attention unhealthy people throw us – just enough to keep us hooked. So if we finally do leave – we have ‘crumb withdrawal’!

ii. Self-Sabotage – our WIC plays a sneaky self-destructive life-game with the PP : “I hangoverknow I’m not supposed to have anything, but I still have needs (my bad), so I’ll make a sideways effort get a little something, but it’ll all be harmful so it won’t really count. With one hand I’ll be defying you, while obeying you with the other.”

• To play this game, we unconsciously make sure that most of what we pursue & stick with follow the Toxic Rules, by
— not actually fulfilling our fundamental, long neglected needs & rights, AND
— by choosing substances, types of people, careers or locations…. that ultimately damage us. Some of our choices may seem exciting for a while, because they’re ‘illicit’, but their destructive qualities insure that we’re punished for even trying to take care of ourselves, however poorly.

SOLUTIONSget a hug
Knowledge – Once we understand what’s at work we can manage the discomfort of HEALTH, until the anxiety fades
Acceptance – Don’t fight the backlash or go into S-H. Keep to the path
Nurturing – Be kind to yourself, hold & talk to the WIC. Assertion – Stand up to the PigP voice & ride out the discomfort. It will pass & you’ll be left with the benefits of whatever good things have come into your life! GET A HUG!

NEXT: Healthy give & take #1

ACoAs – NOT allowed to RECEIVE (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

giving infoNOTHING IS FOR FREE!
I know I’m going have to pay a high price!

PREVIOUS: Not allowed to Receive – #2

 

ACoA REASONS 
1. ABOUT US (cont)
c. Backlash – Most ACoAs believe that if we ever got the good things we long for – we would be SOOO happy (right away) & all our problems would vanish.  It’s true that over time being with healthier people, pursuing our dreams, being loved… is healing, but not always right away!

Of course there may be some negative or mistrustful reactions from other people (bosses, friends, family, spouse, even adult-children).  But since we assume everyone will reject us for changing, we’re surprised when some respond positively

IRONY: We need to keep in mind that when we first start receiving emotional & practical benefits of Recovery, we may actually feel worse – for a while! This seems counter-intuitive, until we understand what’s at work, & can prepare ourselves to manage the discomfort, until it fades.backlash

• Moving toward positive things in our life – going on vacation, going into Recovery / therapy, finding a loving friend or mate, getting compliments & validation …. can produce internal backlash – from ourself.

Our discomfort is confusing & unexpected, especially when nothing seems to be wrong on the outside (it’s actually tooo good). It makes us think we’ve done something wrong because:
• the PigP’s voice will get louder “Who do you think you are…”
• we feel depressed, fearful, unsettled….  which is so ‘normal’, we don’t make the connection
• we may feel angry at the person who has been helpful, complimentary….

Actually, the ANXIETY comes from: • breaking the Toxic Rules
• feeling disloyal to our parents, even though they were neglectful & cruel, because the WIC thinks they were right! so we feel unworthy of receiving
• the contrast HURTS – compared to all we’ve suffered as kids & since then – at the hands of family, teachers, mates, sometimes even healers
• rage at being duped by our ‘disease’, when we “Could’a had a V8” (Love) all this time!

REMINDER : There are still people who insist (from ignorance, denial or control) that: “The past is over & done with & has nothing to do with now – let it go & get on with your life”!

Unfortunately those of us who experienced abuse & trauma as kids have a toxic programming deep in our bones. So, being conditioned to believe we’re unworthy of receiving, we can’t properly nourish ourselves or let others help us. To ‘let go’, we need the right info! To heal takes courage & time
🧤
2. Assumptions ABOUT OTHERS
• ACoAs project onto others all the overt & covert experiences we had with our dysfunctional parents (see list in Part 1). Since they were absent, careless, crazy, controlling, depressed, incompetent, demanding, violent, incompetent….
we unconsciously assume everyone else in the whole world is like that too, even though, as adult, we have definitely seen, heard of or met capable, functional people.
Emotionally, we simply ignore this knowledge & automatically react to everyone as if they’re a carbon copy our family

a. Actually, many people we run across will not be like our family, yet we treat them unfairly. Such people will be confused by the way we act & react to them. They inwardly just shake their heads & stay away!

b. More commonly, because ACoAs are talented at sniffing out people who indeed are similar to our background – we feel pulled to them, drawn in by their familiar dysfunctionality.

They have little or nothing to offer – but all the while we’re wanting, expecting, even demanding to have a different kind of interaction with them – better, more satisfying!

• We try to create a different outcome because we think it was somehow our fault that family relationships didn’t work out – & therefore we can change it, fix it, even if it has to be with substitutes! This is clearly impossible, but we keep trying – until we ‘get it’ that we didn’t cause the original problems and that we’re powerless to change other people.

NEXT: Not Allowed to Receive #4