SYMPTOMS of Co-Dep Anger – toward others

WICs communicatingI’VE GOT TO BE NICE
so they won’t see my anger

PREVIOUS: Symptoms- in us

SITE: Co-Dependency  (includes characteristics Qs)

<— Inner children in adults


IMPORTANT:
as you scroll thru these various lists (this & the previous), do NOT use them to berate yourself. If they are primarily psychological rather than medical, they tell us our degree of woundedness, embodied in the False Self. We did not cause these patterns, but it is our choice & option to correct them, a little at a time.

• Looking at Plutchik’s “Emotion Wheel” – we see that anger & fear are opposites – so:
— if we are only aware of or act from being anxious, depressed, feeling like a victim – we’re hiding intense anger we’re afraid to admit to
— if we are in a continual state of anger, rage, resentment & hostility – we are denying feelings of sadness, vulnerability, hopelessness & fear

NOTE: Some things in the list will seem counter-opposite, but can in fact be different sides of the same person, like – act Superior on the outside, feel Inferior on the inside, calm on the surface, but roiling inside…..
ALSO – you don’t need to identify with everything to say you’re hiding rage, & as stated above, some of these things can be caused by sources other that repressed Es (medication, temporary intense stressors, a major illness….).
See —- upcoming — statements which signal indirect anger

How CO-DEPENDENTS behave
Behaviors
• ‘love-buy’ – overspend on gifts, tips, treats
• women often financially support their spouse
• rarely buy anything for yourself
• anticipate needs of others & supply them before being asked
• overly-kind (one of the subtlest forms of anger – think of Dexter, TV’s good-guy serial murderer bringing donuts to work)
• overly responsible at work, trouble delegating
• put yourself at risk rather than refuse someone’s request
• do much more than you’ve been askedscreen-shot-2017-02-24-at-11-41-20-pm

 Communication
• agree with everything others say, or just smile
• patronize (as in the Southern phrase “Bless your heart!”)
• laugh at jokes that are not funny or you’ve heard many times
• listen endlessly to other people’s problems & complaints
• won’t speak up against disrespect or abuse
• only hint, obliquely, at what you want or don’t like
• mistake honest, respectful dialogue for malicious confrontation
• repress, deny, ignore true thoughts & emotions (dishonesty)
• complain to everyone else about your relationship dissatisfaction except to the one involved

Relationships
• terrified of being dominated, & weakly try not to be, but  unconsciously act dependent, indecisive, unsure, non-assertive, with weak or no boundaries
• don’t go places or do things if your mate isn’t available or interested – then sulk, complain, cold-shopeople-pleaseulder
• refuse to leave harmful or ‘dead’ relationships, & make the other person responsible for ending it
• cause many ‘little problems’ that irritate your partner, & then seem surprised

• take a partner ‘hostage’ by needing them so much you can’t live without them, make them your whole world
• keep attracting partners that are overtly angry, P-As & narcissist, so you can keep being secretly angry – at them
• pick & stay with addicts, so you can fix them (control)
• don’t say what you want, like, need…. but expect others to mind-read
• withdraw from anyone you like, if it will prevent conflict – without explanation
• imagine worst-case scenarios even when things are going well
• keep bringing up old complaints  with children or mates

• go to any length to not rock to boatat risk
• keep recycling old ways of dealing with complicated situations
• re. sex – women – refuse to ask for what you want/like, never initiate, undermine mate’s sense of adequacy & skill, refuse to respond, lack of desire

NEXT: Co-Dep behavior #1

Anger – CATEGORIES : Ambivalent, Avoidant (#4)

hospital a.b.

I HAVE NO CONTROL
over how I react!

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories (Part 3)

 

 


3. OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)

AMBIVALENT anger
It is natural to feel anger towards the person/people who caused our childhood trauma, but that anger can be complicated by the feeling of ambivalence
IF the person/people responsible for the abuse also did good things for us.
Such ambivalence can be very painful & confusing, leaving us in conflict. We can feel anger, hurt, frustration…. AND gratitude, love, longing, missing them….

OR
– we can white-wash them, excusing the perpetrator/s by telling ourselves they didn’t know any better, they didn’t mean it, they were under great stress….
This confusion & denial will make it harder to feel the legitimate anger we have about the neglect & mistreatment, so we end up emotionally numb (a type of dissociative state)

OR – presently are living with someone you care about & want to stay with, but you find ‘difficult’ because of their damage – which also happens to trigger your buttons. Can you love & hate someone at the same time? Should you be angry or grateful (to be with them) ?

AVOIDANT anger
a. One meaning is when someone make a habit of trying to deny feeling anger all together – having experienced the awful results of aggression growing up, &/ or Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 7.50.31 PMbecause of religious prohibition (anger=sin). They’re afraid of their own & that of others. On the surface their communication is: “I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.” Even when there’s a raging volcano in their gut, all that shows is a happy face, with nary a flicker of irritation. This is not passive-aggression – this is buried aggression.

• Since anger is a natural human emotions & everyone feels it from time to time, the more someone suppresses it, the more it builds up, until it consumes them – often in the form of an Immune Deficiency or other illness. Long-term internalized anger damages self-esteem because it results in feeling too weak to assert our needs, which can lead to being scapegoated, depression, paranoia, debilitating worry….

b. A second meaning is about distancing ourselves from the person who makes us feel angry – giving a phony smile, not talking to them, never looking them in the face, staying away from them altogether….
Giving others the cold shoulder or silent treatment can be:Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 7.50.39 PM
√ sidestepping confrontation, from not knowing how to proceed
√ a passive form of punishment for their offense – supposed or real
√ a way to protect the other person from an outburst of our rage – which we’ll be sorry for later

• However, by not saying what bothers us as soon as possible (assertive anger), the option of working it thru is eliminated, since the person / group have no way of knowing they’ve caused an upset. Their ignorance makes it more likely the ‘offender(s)’ will continue to be a source of aggravation. Of course, this applies to situations where there is at least the possibility of an improvement, but this can only happen if we at least make one attempt to communicate our upset

➼ In general, with both a & b styles, a chronic Avoider cannot escape accumulating a backlog of anger, which will at some point either explode or turn into ongoing depression &/or illness

c. POSITIVE use : a third meaning is about ‘letting go’ of trying to connect with Co-dependents, Passive-aggressives or other Narcissists who can’t communicate directly & honestly.
EXP: We’ve tried 2 or 3x to ask the person or group for some satisfaction (‘Please stop ____,  Can we _____?, Would you be willing to_____?”) BUT
— there is no discussion or change, OR
— there’s a promise of change but never any follow-thru.

Then avoidance is our only option – rather than staying & staying – with the false hope that eventually we’ll get our needs met!
Obviously, there are PPT that are best avoided altogether since there’s no way to have a resolution or for the offender to change their ways.

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 5)

BOOK Suggestions

images-1

 

 

 

 

 

The TOOLS – to help & inspire you to live life in forward motion”
~ Phil Stutz & Barry Michaels   / thetoolbook.com

COMPLEX PTSD”  –  Recovering from Childhood Trauma
~ Pete Walker

TRAPPED in the MIRROR” – Adult Children of Narcissists In their Struggle for Self
~ Elan Golomb, PhD

PSYCHO-CYBERNETICS” ~ Maxwell Maltz, M.D.
Cybernetics is a network of constant feedback loops in the brain, correcting its course & receives further feedback on the success of the transmission. This allows us to travel to places we don’t have the instructions for beforehand, & build on the history of our actions.

NO-DRAMA DISCIPLINE: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind” ~ Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson
COMMENT: They talk about what works & what doesn’t – in disciplining your “outer” kids – but can apply to dealing with the Inner Child as well.

“30 COVERT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION TACTICS” ~ Adelyn Birch
How manipulators take control of personal relationships – re mates, but is also clearly about our family’s ‘games’.

“ADULT-CHILDREN of EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENTS” ~ Lindsay C. Gibson PsyD. How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents who create a sense of neglect, & discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood.

Pls let me know if these are helpful.

Thanks, DMT

ACoAs – Healthy GIVE & TAKE (Part 1)

taking in love 

I CAN TAKE IN GOOD THINGS –
& I decide what they are or are not

PREVIOUS: Give & Take (#3)

SITE: The UNDER-RECEIVING Over-Giver

 

WHAT TO TAKE from others – or NOT
ACoAs have a tendency to do everything in extremes, black & white, no room for fitting an action or emotion to the current situation. This applies to the issue of ‘receiving’. Because we think that taking anything is a form of manipulation, we don’t want to seem greedy or taking advantage of others. So, as with all mental health, we need a balance. NOT everyone is like our family, many of whom were selfish & stingy or insensitive & oblivious.

People GIVE – based on their state of mental health:
healthy ones only offer what they legitimately have, can & want to do
co-dependents usually give others what they want for themselves but aren’t allowed to have. They want to fix you (whether you nsharingeed it or not) so you’ll be well enough to take care of them in return, hoping you’ll intuitively know to do that

narcissists only extend themselves to give whatever they like to do or give, which has nothing to do with you
– If their offer doesn’t suit you, say not thanks & don’t give it a second thought
– If it does suit, don’t agonize & wonder why they’re doing it & what you have to do in return – just take it & smile.
AND – they do love to be appreciated & fawned over!

a. START from the assumption that IF someone volunteers something, they have the ability & the willingness to give you what’s offered. Take it at face value. In general, people like to share what they know, what they have & what they create. They feel good about it & we have the right to take it

NOTE: unless taking what is suggested would in any way harm you or someone else, it is usually best to accept it – as a way of respecting the positive motivation of the giver. This is not co-dependence as long as you also feel free to refuse, when appropriate

b. EXCEPTIONS to taking something offered. You can say “no thanks” :
if it truly does not fit your genuine needs & tastes – especially if you ask for something specific but offered something completely different
when a gift or action is inappropriate for the current situation (‘too soon’, not ‘that kind of friend’, not age-appropriate….)
if you already know that a specific person is manipulative, sneaky or will use it against you – based on experience

CAVEAT: Don’t get a. & b. types confused! If you consistently have unhappy experiences with someone (narcissist, controller, bully), stop giving to them.
Giving anything to them – expecting reciprocation – will always be disappointing. Eventually you’ll be drained, get angry, then hopeless – and back in your childhood!
This is the WIC’s denial of past & present abandonments: trying frantically to create reciprocity with someone who’s not capable – wanting / demanding to get a return on our investment, in an impossible situation.
🗝
Use EFT to make a shift
🖤 BEGIN with the negative BELIEFS you want to change /undo.
EXP: “I can’t receive. It’s not ok to get things. I’m only supposed to give”
Specific aspects of the main self-defeating statement are combined with tapping parts of the face & body : eyebrow, side of & under eye, under nose, on chin, collarbone, under arm & top of head

💚 REVERSE: New statements are combined with tapping the same face & body parts, in the same sequence, refining the desired outcome with each successive area. (MORE….)
EXP: While tapping Collarbone, say: “I’d like to receive respect, honest responses & encouragement from those I love, & from those who work with me”….. AND

❤️ END with – Top of Head: I am so happy to receive; I receive divine gifts of time, energy, playfulness, joy, laughter, delight, but especially love. Love is the best gift to receive. I receive love now.” (Also Fear of being loved)

NEXT: Healthy Give & Take (Part 2)

SYMBIOSIS & ACoAs (Part 1)

mother/infantAM I ME, AM I YOU & ARE YOU ME?
I hate myself, but I also want you to be exactly like me!

PREVIOUS: Autonomy & Attachment (#3b)

REVIEW: Ego States – CHILD

 

 

SYMBIOSIS
• As infants, all humans are born with a built-in biological & psychological set of tendencies, which interact with & responds to their specific environment in their own unique way – but without a formed personality

The child’s first connection is to the mother (usually), not aware of a difference between itself & its caretaker. This one-ness is normal & appropriate. It allows the child to feel safe & protected while gradually becoming acquainted with itself & the big world it has come in to

• Regardless of the type of family, nature & nurture (how we’re treated) combine to form what we think of as our SELF.  If born into a reasonably healthy one, the child is allowed & encouraged to develop the pre-set template they came into the world with

This creates a sense of external & then internal safety. Having permission to be oneself gradually makes it possible to function in the world as an individual who is comfortable in their skin & with other people

mother rejectingIN CHILDHOOD
a. BROKEN Symbiosis – BUT, if the mother is not available or unable to connect with the infant to nurture it from a deep place of love, the symbiotic bond is never formed or is too soon broken, before the child can tolerate it

This can be:
— because of’ illness or death, spousal abuse, external trauma such as an accident, natural disasters, war…..
OR most commonly
— personality defects like narcissism, anxiety, depression, rage at having to be a caretaker, not wanting to be tied down…..

This creates intense & long-lasting terror in the baby, with the message that there’s something fundamentally wrong with them. Such children spend the rest of their life trying to forge that missing link with someone – anyone – to stop that terrible, relentless anxiety, SO
• they’ll find another wounded soul they can attach to & live together in isolation  – OR
• keep being attracted to emotionally unavailable people, reproducing the very abandonment they so fear (trying to symbiose with the ‘distant’ mother)

b. UNBROKEN Symbiosis – at the other extreme – some mothers without that bond providedheli-mom in their own infancy, will try to get it from their child – creating a captive who can never leave them!
This mother will make every effort to negate the child’s individuality in favor of her own needs & wants, to make that little person her clone, & will punish any disagreement or separation

If there’s no one else available or strong enough to interfere with this suffocating attachment (father, sibling or other…) the child never has the freedom to develop it’s own identity, but stays dependent on the mother (& family or substitutes) for it’s very existence throughout life.

This child grows up to (some or all):
• never leave home     • not have any rightsoctopus mom
• be depressed, isolated, suicidal
• have weak boundaries
• be unable to have healthy, autonomous relationships
• be terrified of abandonment in any form
• be unable to support themself
• not trust their judgment
• not have their own opinions about things
• have only symbiotic relationships with domineering people….
OR
If the child does get away, then as an A-CoA, they’ll be terrified of any close involvement with others. The fear of being engulfed again is so unbearable that it’s expressed as fear of commitment.
Even when they are in some form of relationship, it will be with extreme emotional detachment, a need for total control, endless sexual conquests, come here – go away interactions, irresponsibility…. or just walking away & never looking back!

➼ Both types are ripe for addictions, to fill that big emotional hole inside – but it never works
INFO: Symbiosis can be understood through the ego state model. In a symbiotic relationship, both people use only some of their ego states to relate to each other, which they combine, functioning as if they only had one set of ego states between them. They getting stuck in rigid roles, resulting in less flexibility.

NEXT: Symbiosis (#2)

ACoAs & Boundary INVASIONS (Part 1)

B invasion

GET OFF ME!
You’re in my space!

PREVIOUS: B.Distortion (#3)

REMINDER: See
ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

FoO = Family of Origin

1. BEING INVADED
EXP: Picture someone across a room that interests you & they seem open to being approached. You start walking toward them but something is slowing you down — tightly gripped around your neck & hanging heavily down your back is the invisible body of your whole FoO (or maybe just one parent or certain sibling…). You’re not free to have a one-to-one relationship with anyone, dragging around all that rotting baggage!

Some basic ways we were violated
1. PHYSICAL B. invasions by parents & siblings
As a kid, what belonged to you & could not be violated?  Everyone needs their own private space & time to be respected & allowed, if we’re to find out who we are & be able to function autonomously as adults. Many of us did not have that opportunity.
Instead we had:
• to sleep in the same room as parents for too long, allowed to sleep in their bed too often….. shared a bedroom with a sibling, forever
• no personal privacy: walked in on in the bathroom, open bedroom door or slept in a common area, mail & diaries being read, listening in on phone conversations, room ransacked ….
• forced enemas, constantly being poked or pulled at, ‘fixed up’….
— others using our clothes & personal items without our permission
— had to give a full recitation of everything we did when we were out….

EXP: PARTY LINES – With blurred boundaries, it’s quite common for person (A) in a toxic system to be the ‘communications hub’, in charge of hearing the grievances, messages, worries… from one member (B) about another in the family (C).  Then (A) is responsible for passing the info on to (C) — instead of (B) talking directly to C directly.

a. It makes the ‘hub’ person feel needed, important, in control, to be in charge or manipulate, be the buffer, above it all….
b. It re-enforces everyone’s lack of good communication skills, fear of confrontation, of speaking their truth, of hurting others’ feelings or getting blow-back, of standing up for themselves….

2. MENTAL Coercion (ongoing enmeshment)
a. Manipulations
For ACoAs, even our inner thoughts were invaded, usually by one parent, just like those African army ants! This is bullying, “…. a poisonous form of parenting, compelling children to act or to choose – in a particular way” – the adult’s way, never the child’s, with such tactics as:
hopeless• criticism or fault-finding    • sarcasm, ridicule
• threats or warning of punishment if not quickly obeyed
• ‘logic’ – to totally convince child of parent’s point of view
• argue to convince child about how wrong they are
• physical or verbal force – shouting, hitting…..

RESULT of being bullied: the child will inevitably end up feeling despair, beaten down, out of control, hopeless, & eventually stockpile rage

b. Over-coercion
• This is a more intense form, coming from a rigid, narcissistic** &/or active addicted parent. In the ‘a’ category, bullies are aware their victim does not want to comply, but they don’t care.
In this ‘b’ form the perpetrator is not even aware that others – even their own children – have a mind or will of their own. They’re only interested in total compliance to their own narrow view of reality!
BTW, they treat everyone the same way if they can get away with it.

** Any difference in taste, needs, opinions, style, way of doing things…. in the child – any sense of self not a carbon copy of the egotist – is labeled defiance, disobedience, arrogance, stubbornness…. so the child is constantly punished for not conforming to someone else’s personality! & will eventually become totally brainwashed or violently defiant.

• It would never dawn on an over-coercer that their child may legitimately:no way
— be too young to do or be exactly what the parent wants
— have an inherently different personality with its own set of functional requirements
— have the developmental task of becoming a separate being, which includes disagreeing with ‘authority’ from time to time
— know something the parent doesn’t. Narcissists think they’re never wrong!
EXP: Mom always said, literally: “I’m perfect” & meant it!

PART 2: More Boundary Invasions