ACoAs & Boundary INVASIONS (Part 1)


B invasion

GET OFF ME!
You’re in my space!

PREVIOUS: B.Distortion (#3)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

FoO = Family of Origin

1. BEING INVADED
EXP: Picture someone across a room that interests you & they seem open to being approached. You start walking toward them but something is slowing you down :
tightly gripped around your neck & hanging heavily down your back is the invisible body of your whole FoO (or maybe just one parent or certain sibling…). You’re not free to have a one-to-one relationship with anyone, dragging around all that rotting baggage!

Some basic ways we were violated
1. PHYSICAL Boundary (B) invasions by parents & siblings
As a kid, what were you allowed to have that was not violated?  Everyone needs their own private things, their space & time to be respected, if we’re to find out who we are & be able to function autonomously as adults. Many of us did not have that opportunity.
Instead, you had:
• to sleep in the same room as parents for too long, allowed to sleep in their bed too often….. shared a bedroom with a sibling
• no personal privacy : walked in on in the bathroom, opened your bedroom door or had to sleep in a common area, your mail & diaries were read, listened in-on phone conversations, room ransacked ….
• forced enemas, constantly being poked or pulled at, ‘fixed up’, had to wear clothes you hated….
• others using your clothes & personal items without your permission
• had to give a parent full recounting of everything you did whenever / wherever you were out, or what you were reading….

EXP: The PARTY LINE – With blurred boundaries, it’s quite common for person (A) in a toxic system to be the ‘communications hub’, in charge of hearing the grievances, messages, worries… one member (B) about another in the family (C).
Then (A) passes the info on to (C), instead of (B) talking to C directly.

a. It makes the ‘hub’ person feel needed, important, in control, to be in charge or manipulate, be the buffer, above it all….
b. It re-enforces everyone’s lack of good communication skills, fear of confrontation, of speaking their truth, of hurting others’ feelings or getting blow-back, of standing up for themselves….

2. MENTAL Coercion (ongoing enmeshment)
a. Manipulations
For ACoAs, even our inner thoughts were invaded, usually by one parent, just like those African army ants! This is bullying, “…. a poisonous form of parenting, compelling children to act or to choose – in a particular way” – the adult’s way, never the child’s, with such tactics as:
• argue to convince child how wrong they are
hopeless• criticism or fault-finding
• ‘logic’ – to totally convince child of parent’s point of view
• verbal force – shouting
• sarcasm, ridicule
• threats or warning of punishment if not quickly obeyed…..

RESULT of being bullied: the child will inevitably end up feeling despair, beaten down, out of control, hopeless, & eventually stockpile rage

b. Over-coercion
• This is a more intense form, coming from a rigid, narcissistic** &/or active addicted parent. In the ‘a’ category, bullies are aware their victim does not want to comply, but they don’t care.
In this ‘b’ form the perpetrator is not even aware that others – even their own children – have a mind or will of their own. They’re only interested in total compliance to their own narrow view of reality!
BTW, they treat everyone the same way if they can get away with it.

** Any difference in taste, needs, opinions, style, way of doing things…. in the child – any sense of self not a carbon copy of the egotist – is labeled arrogance, defiance, disobedience, stubbornness…. so the child is constantly punished for not no wayconforming to someone else’s personality! & will eventually become totally brainwashed or violently defiant.

• It would never dawn on an over-coercer that their child may legitimately:
— be too young to do or be exactly what the parent wants
— have an inherently different personality, with its own set of functional requirements
— have the developmental task of becoming a separate being, which includes disagreeing with ‘authority’ from time to time
— know something the parent doesn’t. Narcissists think they’re never wrong!
EXP: Mom always said, literally: “I’m perfect” & meant it!

NEXT : = Boundary Invasions #2

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