Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 2)


never seem to get anywhere

PREVIOUS: Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 1)

SITE: Factors leading to Co-dep

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 High COST of angry-niceness

always outside

✔︎ On the Outside – for all our effort, you still have your nose pressed against the window – looking in! You’re still lonely, whether isolating or filling your social calendar to overflowing. When you relate to other from the facade of being OK but are really not, no one can truly know you

✔︎ Regretful – getting lost in the ‘Wudda-shudda-cudda” forest of self-recrimination & hopelessness, yet another way to prevent yourself from making healthy changes to improve your life

✔︎ Resentful – you don’t like this about yourself, but you’re filled with resentments. It’s the rage about what you didn’t get as a kid, & the rage NOW at not getting what you silently expect/demand from others. They’re supposed to read your mind so you don’t have to ask. And, why don’t they appreciate & reciprocate all you’ve been doing for them??  ”Why does _____ keep ignoring me? Why hasn’t she/he texted back? What did they mean by that remark??”…..

✔︎ Risk-Averse – being so dependent on others to feel OK keeps you from testing yourself to too what you’re actually capable of OR –
You can take risks in some parts of your life, proving you can do it, yet convinced you can’t try out new ways of doing or thinking – in other areas.

✔︎ Self-Sabotaging – making sure your goals & dreams never come true, staying in jobs & relationships you hate but can’t seem to extricate yourself, refusing to use the options that would help you move on.

✔︎ Sleepless (in Seattle??) – tossing & turning, worrying about what you have to do in the morning & the rest of the day – every day, about how you’re going to manage the ‘conversation’ you’re dreading (with the boss, a subordinate, a family member….), obsessing about an ‘incident’ yesterday by text or email because someone was mad at you….. NEVER ever really relaxed

✔︎ Suffering – stubbornly cling to your self-hate to (unconsciously) prove your deep loyalty to the family, so :
—  you pick people who are unhealthy, making yourself vulnerable to the same kind of neglect & abuse you got growing up, & sometimes even worse
— all the stress of suppressing your emotions + cruel self-talk + unhappy relationships = physical ailments, chronic & long-lasting

✔︎ Terrified – all the time, even if you don’t realize that’s why you’re breathing is so shallow. Scared to make a mistake or of not knowing something, of doing anything that will cause ‘them’ to leave you, or fire you, of taking a stand, of admitting your deepest emotions & sharing your pain, of honestly admitting your family’s abuse & neglect, or your own shortcomings….

✔︎ Trapped – with all the crazy, toxic people you’ve accumulated (& family you cling to), unwilling to extricate yourself because you don’t really want to see  how awful they are & how much they’re harming you, and you can’t bear the idea of ‘hurting’ them any more than they already are. BUT it’s OK to let yourself be terribly injured by them???

✔︎ Uncomfortable – in your skin, crying, being noticed in a group, with gifts or rewards, taking in praise & compliments, even the validation you say you crave

✔︎ Waiting – never having been allowed to know who you really are has insured that you can’t motivate yourself. You wait for any outside force to push you in some direction, never being sure if it’s what you want. If there’s no deadline or needy person – if it’s just you – you’re stalled!

✔︎ Wishy-washy – trouble making decisions, trouble being firm with others, sticking to your point of view: “What if it’s the wrong one? // What if they won’t like what I say? // I want o see what they’re going to do first // I’m not sure what they want me to be/see/feel… // I can’t figure out what to wear to that event, who should I be, how am I supposed to act?I don’t know what to feel about this”….

NEXT: Co-dep EXTERNAL negatives – in us #1

SYMPTOMS of Co-Dep Anger – toward others

WICs communicatingI’VE GOT TO BE NICE
so they won’t see my anger

PREVIOUS: Symptoms- in us

SITE: Co-Dependency  (includes characteristics Qs)

<— Inner children in adults

as you scroll thru these various lists (this & the previous), do NOT use them to berate yourself. If they are primarily psychological rather than medical, they tell us our degree of woundedness, embodied in the False Self. We did not cause these patterns, but it is our choice & option to correct them, a little at a time.

• Looking at Plutchik’s “Emotion Wheel” – we see that anger & fear are opposites – so:
— if we are only aware of or act from being anxious, depressed, feeling like a victim – we’re hiding intense anger we’re afraid to admit to
— if we are in a continual state of anger, rage, resentment & hostility – we are denying feelings of sadness, vulnerability, hopelessness & fear

NOTE: Some things in the list will seem counter-opposite, but can in fact be different sides of the same person, like – act Superior on the outside, feel Inferior on the inside, calm on the surface, but roiling inside…..
ALSO – you don’t need to identify with everything to say you’re hiding rage, & as stated above, some of these things can be caused by sources other that repressed Es (medication, temporary intense stressors, a major illness….).
See —- upcoming — statements which signal indirect anger

• ‘love-buy’ – overspend on gifts, tips, treats
• women often financially support their spouse
• rarely buy anything for yourself
• anticipate needs of others & supply them before being asked
• overly-kind (one of the subtlest forms of anger – think of Dexter, TV’s good-guy serial murderer bringing donuts to work)
• overly responsible at work, trouble delegating
• put yourself at risk rather than refuse someone’s request
• do much more than you’ve been askedscreen-shot-2017-02-24-at-11-41-20-pm

• agree with everything others say, or just smile
• patronize (as in the Southern phrase “Bless your heart!”)
• laugh at jokes that are not funny or you’ve heard many times
• listen endlessly to other people’s problems & complaints
• won’t speak up against disrespect or abuse
• only hint, obliquely, at what you want or don’t like
• mistake honest, respectful dialogue for malicious confrontation
• repress, deny, ignore true thoughts & emotions (dishonesty)
• complain to everyone else about your relationship dissatisfaction except to the one involved

• terrified of being dominated, & weakly try not to be, but  unconsciously act dependent, indecisive, unsure, non-assertive, with weak or no boundaries
• don’t go places or do things if your mate isn’t available or interested – then sulk, complain, cold-shopeople-pleaseulder
• refuse to leave harmful or ‘dead’ relationships, & make the other person responsible for ending it
• cause many ‘little problems’ that irritate your partner, & then seem surprised

• take a partner ‘hostage’ by needing them so much you can’t live without them, make them your whole world
• keep attracting partners that are overtly angry, P-As & narcissist, so you can keep being secretly angry – at them
• pick & stay with addicts, so you can fix them (control)
• don’t say what you want, like, need…. but expect others to mind-read
• withdraw from anyone you like, if it will prevent conflict – without explanation
• imagine worst-case scenarios even when things are going well
• keep bringing up old complaints  with children or mates

• go to any length to not rock to boatat risk
• keep recycling old ways of dealing with complicated situations
• re. sex – women – refuse to ask for what you want/like, never initiate, undermine mate’s sense of adequacy & skill, refuse to respond, lack of desire

NEXT: Co-Dep behavior #1

Enneagram Type 8 – Flaws in us ALL

type 8 

PREVIOUS: Type 7 flaws


Review explanation for each category in the INTRO post 
Associated Type is inside the ( )


Type 8 COWARDICE because of Cognitive Distortions (#6)
• re. asking for support: believe that only the weak ask for support, & that others aren’t strong enough to support you anyway
• re. appearing weak: think that showing any vulnerability or anxiety is a chink in your armor, which others will take advantage of
• re. being completely honest: think that you’re always truthful, even though it’s not always true (nor possible)

Type 8 FLATTERY (#2)
• Think strategically about how to “win over” potential opponents, by flattering them & appealing to their ego or self-interest
• Think it’s better to not say something that could be construed as negative, so you use deletion as a form of flattery
• Act completely interested in someone, then abruptly or completely withdraw – a good hint you weren’t really interested in the first place

Type 8 LAZINESS – Indolence (#9)
You don’t seem indolent – in fact you often seem to be in touch with reality, but…like all of us, you can also:
• Obsess about whatever you lust after (8’s excess) as a way of avoiding feeling vulnerable
• Believe your ‘truth’ or sense of reality is accurate, so can be too lazy to think through all other possibilities that are valid
• Go into mental denial that something’s wrong, even your health

Type 8 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
• Convinced there isn’t anyone who can or will truly support you
• Believe you can handle everything, big & small, so when you can’t, you can get lost in mental gloom & doom
• Think about the tremendous suffering & abuse in thvulnarablee world, which you believe you should be able to stop from happening

Type 8 PLANNING – as compulsion (#7)
• THINK about how to take charge
• how to not be taken advantage of
• how to get things under control
• how to expand you territory

Type 8 RESENTMENT (#1)
• be disgusted with & dismissive of someone who you believed in, when they – waste, misuse or not use – their potential
• confuse & obsess about something important you can’t make happen
• outraged when you’re not in control of something you believe you have a right to be in charge of

Type 8 STINGINESS (#5)
• about sharing power, because of assuming it’s limited. So if others have it, your own power is diminished
• about sharing your vulnerabilities, believing if you do, others will take advantage of it
• about your protectiveness, think you should & can protect others from abuse. But are highly selective about who you choose to ‘help’, & have trouble seeing when some of your behavior is abusive

Type 8 VANITY (#3)
• Think you’re stronger than other people
• Believe you can make happen anything you want to
• Think that your truth is The Truth

Type 8 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone has –
• stepped on the down-trodden
• illegitimately challenged your authority
• not taken responsibility for their own negative behavior
• been untruthful and untrustworthy

REACTION: think about how to gain control & authority, as a way to dis-empower the other person and put them in their place
GROWTH: Ask “Am I sharing my sense of vulnerability, by showing my softer sides to both myself & others?”

One-dimensional – only seeing one version of reality
Lesson: A limited view of the truth/reality usually ignores all the other possibilities. Assuming we know exactly what’s happening doesn’t make it so, because Reality happens simultaneously as well as sequentially

Type 8 HANGING ON (Need to let go)
Hold on to: avenging wrongs done by others, being able to move mountains through your extraordinary will, energy & power, always being in command or in control
Why: To maintain your ‘sense of self as a person who’ is so strong you can protect anyone you choose, never showing weakness or vulnerability
Let go of: the belief you have to be big & strong all the time and under all circumstances

Type 8 get OFF-BALANCE by:
• someone standing up to you without backing down
• feeling highly vulnerable & not have the strength to hide itbe defended
• feeling exhausted and depleted

Type 8 MAYA (delusion)
Think that you don’t dare let your guard down because if you do, something terrible will happen to you. Most of the time – not.

Type 8 WORRY
“Who’s really strong enough to help or support me? What if I’m too strong? What if I’m not strong enough? What advantage will they take if I show my vulnerability? Why did they let me down?”

NEXT: All Flaws – Type 9

Enneagram Type 5 – Flaws in us ALL

type 5


PREVIOUS: Ennea Humor – #4

Review explanation for each category in the INTRO post   Associated Type is inside the ( )



Type 5 COWARDICE because of CDs (#6)
• re. intrusion: Think that others are going to invade your time, space & privacy
• re. feelings: Fearful of expressing emotions in real-time, & highly uncertain about what you do feel or even how to know it
• re. attachments: Believe you must not be attached to anything or anyone, because if you are, your energy will be sapped & your autonomy threatened

Type 5 FLATTERY (#2)
• Think there’s something wrong with you for not liking “small talk” when others seem to like it just fine (like there’s something “right” with others)
• Continue a conversation about a topic you have little interest in
• Decide to not share information you actually do have, being sure you don’t know enough about the topic, yet still listen to others who know a lot less than you about it

Type 5 LAZINESS / Indolence (#9)
• Confuse thinking with feeling, so you don’t pay much attention to your emotional life
• Don’t consider your emotions much at all. In fact, think that they have limited value, & that it takes too much energy to figure them out
• Believe that only your mind matters, so ignore (be indolent about) physical sensations that are a source of important information

Type 5 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
• Think you’re depleted, drained of sufficient resources & life force
• Believe you don’t have truly deep relationships like others seem to
• See yourself as an island adrift from the major continent of people

Type 5 PLANNING – as compulsion (#7)resources
• Plan how to prevent draining situations by limiting intrusions, demands on your time & energy, or emotionally charged interactions
• Strategize ways to overcome potentially dangerous situations

Type 5 RESENTMENT (#1)
• Focus on the intrusiveness & aggressiveness of others
• Imagine / assume harmful actions you think others are up to
• Wonder why someone has the right to make demands on you for personal information, your time….

Type 5 STINGINESS (#5)
• with resources & knowledge: Think the world has limited resources, so you have to conserve almost everything
• with interpersonal engagement: Believe you don’t need or want to fully engage with others because they’ll drain you or want too much
• with sharing: Believe you have to withhold info about yourself with almost everyone (except a few you trust), otherwise your privacy will be violated

Type 5 VANITY (#3)
• Think that others are inferior for having too many needs, being dependent & not autonomous (like you)
• Believe you have a superior intellect
• Think that others’ expression of emotions is inferior to your own reliance on reason, logic, emotional self-containment & detachment

Type 5 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone has –
• violated your privacy, such as breaking a confidence
• kept information from you, especially if it’s important to you
• lied, such as said they’d deliver work on time and then didn’t
• made unreasonable or not-agreed-to demands on you

REACTION: think & plan how to neutralize that person or keep them at a distance
• strategizing how to get that person removed & harmless (if they’ve really scared you or violated a deeply held value)
GROWTH: Ask “ Am I expressing my real feelings in the moment?”

Too far: missing the nuances of what’s close up
Lesson: When we create too much distance, we don’t see the finer detail, including ourselves & how we interact with a situation

Hold on to:
• to being autonomous, needing too much privacy, using up limited space and resources
• and under-explore feelings & needs

: to maintain your ‘sense of self as a person who’ doesn’t need to rely on anyone or anything other than yourself
Let go of: your false belief in scarcity (of energy, resources….)

Type 5 put OFF-BALANCE by:
• someone standing too close for too long
• having to put out energy & effort when already feeling depleted
• expecting to share personal information when you’re not clear why this matters or what don't feelsomeone will do with it

Type 5 MAYA (delusion)
You think that you either don’t know or don’t experience your emotional states, when in fact your emotions are extremely pure

Type 5 WORRY
“What do they want from me? How can I get away from this? Why am I feeling so drained and depleted? Why can’t I express myself?”

NEXT: All flaws – Type 6

Enneagram Flaws in us ALL – INTRO



 Ennea-Language = Growth (each type)




Ginger Lapid-Bogda (Enneagram author, trainer, keynote speaker) on her site “The Enneagram in Business”, provides a variety of ways to understand how each Type handles the many positive & negative aspects of being human.

🤔 This series of posts includes the way each Type exhibits each of the Fixations (Habits of Mind) normally associated with only one of the Enneagram styles – each in our own specific way.

◆ Included are the 3 Instinct sub-types of Self-preservation, Sexual & Social groupings (Def. & QUIZ) which effect the strength & style of how each Type expresses each the fixations
NOTE: Virtues / Gifts for each Type in another series

DEFINITIONS – basic for each characteristic:
Cowardice – typically associated with SIXES. It’s the fear of taking actions, from doubt & worry caused by continual thoughts of worst-case scenarios. It’s found more strongly in the Self-Preservation version of any Type who is more concerned with safety, security, & least trusting / most wary.

– typically associated with TWOS. It’s trying to be accepted by a person or group – by giving them compliments, gifts or other forms of attention

Laziness / Indolence = avoidance of activity or exertion, typically associated with NINES. It’s the process of mentally diffusing our attention so we forget what’s important to us, & keeps us from stating our own opinions, in order to minimize our conflict with others

Moodiness / Melancholy
: typically associated with FOURS. It’s thinking about what’s missing in oneself or one’s life, along with feeling disconnected or separated from others

Planning – typically associated with SEVENS. It refers to the mental process by which the mind goes into “hyper-gear,“ moving in rapid succession from one thing to another, without peaceful consideration

– typically associated with ONES. It’s paying attention to flaws in oneself & others, so that nothing ever seems good or good enough

– typically associated with FIVES. It’s a scarcity paradigm that leads to an insatiable thirst for knowing, a reluctance to share – knowledge, time, space & personal information. Also strategizing about how to control one’s environment

– typically associated with THREES. It’s strategic thinking / planning about how to create an idealized image, a self-absorption about how we seem to others

– typically associated with EIGHTS. It’s the mental process of wanting to balance out wrongs done to us (real or imagined), with angry thoughts of blame, & plans for intimidation & punishment

Distorted Lens – difficulty listening to & accepting many points of view, or being able to objectively evaluate different aspects of a problem or situation, when colored by the focus of our specific version of the world

Hanging on
– to anything that keeps us stuck, so that energy can’t flow through us. It skews perspective & limits options, which can lead to disappointment

– whenever we can’t see people & situations in perspective, OR without a fixed point of reference in life, adding more distortion to our specific Type

Maya (illusion/ delusion
) – can mean the power by which the universe is manifest, BUT used here to mean the appearance of or illusions in the physical world.
Illusion (Maya) = unreal vision // Delusion = false belief

Worry – mental obsession on past distressing actions / events, OR projecting negative outcomes in the future – to the point of dulling our awareness to real danger in the present.
Habitual, unconscious worry blocks us from direct contact with something greater than ourselves (H.P.) & compromises our ability to be whole.

NEXT: All type FLAWS – Type 1

Anger – Negative USES (Part 1)

negative anger

when I’m angry

PREVIOUS: Anger – positive uses

SITEs:The Downside of Anger

• “Angry/negative people can be bad for your brain” (Mirror Neurons &  Emotional contagion).

BOOK: “IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING re. manipulative people

► ANGER  is UNHEALTHY – When it:
📌 Causes big problems
If situations which generate anger are not solved or are just walked away from, anger will build until there’s some kind of explosion, leading to trouble (being expelled or fired, arrested, injuring others, auto-immune illness, bad relationships…)T.E.A. circles

📌 Doesn’t happen enough
• Repressing our anger teaches others that it’s totally OK to treat us with unkindness & insensitivity
• AND, it allows us to continue staying less emotionally aware & socially skillful, & therefore less valuable in society
• Leaking it out indirectly teaches others that we’re not actually safe to be around, not empathic or emotionally responsible

📌 Happens too much
When it’s expressed more than 5-6x a week, as in having ‘a chip on your shoulder’, & making others feel they have to walk on eggshells around a chronically angry person

📌 Lasts a long time
When it’s more than a day, for around 30% of people. It tends to go along with obsessions, Toxic Beliefs, CDs, S-H & difficulty with personal Boundaries. For ACoAs, anger & rage often lasts for months, even years – with no resolution, because WE:
• are not allowed to feel the angry at all, especially at our parents, or at any kind of abuse
• deny the depth & breadth of the anger, & the other emotions that are underneath
• have never been taught how to express it correctly & productively

When it’s:

4. Expressed badly
(unsuccessful/harmful) : being passive-aggressive, giving the cold shoulder, insulting, shouting, swearing, retaliating, spreading rumors, malicious gossip….. using food, chemicals, media…. to calm down / numb out

5. Over-reactive : the intensity of emotion & physical / verbal expression are out of proportion to the trigger – because the current incident stepped on a ‘sore toe’ from past abuse. And if others also get angry in reaction to us, things can easily escalate, often obscuring the original upset.

BITTERNESS has been described as “the crusty disease that grow on unprocessed anger…. which has boiled, simmered, & then found to be so unpalatable that it’s been thrown into the deep freeze of our unconscious psyches.
Refrigeration doesn’t work well, since cooled anger turns to resentment & bitterness. It has an annoying tendency to leak out at inappropriate times, upsetting good relationships, disturbing our dreams & filling us with a vague discontent.” ~ Elizabeth Spring  MA

RESENTMENTS are the mental version of anger – not the actual emotion. They’re obsessions recounting real or imagined hurts we’ve experienced, with no way to move past them.
• According to Philosophy Prof Dr. R.C Solomon, U of TX:
– Resentment/ bitterness is directed at someone of higher status than oneself
– Anger is at those of equal status, &
– Contempt is at those of lower-status.
These are painful emotions which mainly harm us IF held for too long, & then inevitably spill over onto others (targets).

√ The underlying cause of Bitterness (tree) is having suffered long-term abuse when one truly was or felt powerless to stop it
√ Resentment, which is focused on someone else, can be triggered by remembering very upsetting experiences they caused
√ When turned on oneself, resentment becomes remorse, & then S-H (More.…)

• Unacknowledged hurts can take the form of: Animosity, Antagonism, Implacability (not appease-able), Hatred, Infantile Narcissism, Pathological Pride, Vindictiveness, Verbal, Physical & Emotional cruelty. (Explanations….).

Al-Anon reminds us: “(unrealistic) expectations are planned disappointments, leading to resentment.”  There are many people, situations or things in the present we can hook the resentments on to, but all are smoke screens for the underlying pain of unresolved childhood trauma.

NEXT: Negative Uses (Part 2)

ACoAs – What about ANGER? (Part 2)


That’s all in the past, right?

PREVIOUS: ACoAs- What about anger (#1)

BOOK: Strategies for Survival in an Angry World”  ~ Dr Eva Bell


Anger – A temporary & episodic emotional reaction to a frustrating situation. It’s ‘rational’, because the cortex is still functioning, so the person can think & decide actions
▸ A strong, uncomfortable emotional response to something unwanted & not fitting with our values, beliefs or rights (triggered)

Irritability –
 A milder feeling in reaction to minor annoyances that happen as part of our daily routine
Aggression – An intentional desire to harm someone or something

Rage – An “irrational” emotion – meaning it’s unreasoning, automatic, instinctive – for the protective purpose of pushing away danger to self or someone/ something vital & loved.
Often expressed as an explosion, sometime into completely irrational behavior (without conscious thought), sometimes very deliberate!

– An emotional attitude of distrust + a negative mental opinion of everyone (chronic antagonism) causing a person to harm or want to harm others, indiscriminately.

 (internal) • extreme hurt which has hardened into cold rage.
In childhood it accumulates from being powerless to stop repeated & relentless abuse & neglect.
As adults, it’s
a. from persistently blaming others for our problems, instead of finding & using valid ways out of bad situations
b. as Self-Hate – turning our legitimate rage at family & environment back on ourselves
BIG PICTURE T.E.A. – Psychologists consider the 2 most basic human emotions to be love & fear (Es), which colors our thinking (Ts) & so our actions (As). All other emotions are seen as nuances & variations.
😍 LOVE generates: caring, compassion, contentment, happiness, honesty, enjoyment, satisfaction, trust….  (Diagrams in Part 5)
❖ Unconditional LOVE is the only source of self-esteem! (see Posts: “Being Loved“)
Healthy Love is what make a child feel safe, & Love is the all-powerful healer of wounds.
BUT – ACoAs did not experience a genuine sense of being loved, even if our parents said it or thought they did.
How do we know this? Because of the intense fear under everything we think, feel & do – seen in our S-H, FoA, PP….

🥶 FEAR generates : anger, anxiety, confusion, control, depression, guilt, hurt, inadequacy, loneliness, sadness, shame….

All ACoAs are fear-based, having been thru so much abuse, chaos, controlling, denial, judgement, lies, narcissism & neglect – to ever feel totally safe – without healing

And sooner or later – fear always generates ANGER. Being constantly scared – with no comfort, no relief, no explanations…. will pile up & turn into RAGE.
NOTE : counter-phobia & addiction-to-excitement are defenses, not lack of fear.
⬅️  Emotion GRAPHS – computer models from the Atlas of Emotions

★ Normally, all emotions are short-term, in-&-out reactions to some immediate event, & in this form – anger is not a problem. In fact, modern psychologists view anger as a mature emotion experienced by everyone at times, having survival value. When understood & accepted, it can often be used to correct life’s imbalances, although it’s not possible in every situation.

But when painful EMOs persist for days, months or years – from living in harmful situations – they got stockpiled, without having:
✦ permission to be experienced as true emotional responses to abuse & losses
✦ anyone to listen to us, identify them (give them words) or comfort us
✦ an opportunity to process the events, so we wouldn’t have to suppress or deny them

NOW, painful emotions are being held in place by toxic T.E.A.s:
◽️(T) The WIC / PP’s thinking in the form of CDs, mental obsessions about something unpleasant/ unacceptable, without understanding our interaction or participation in the problem

◽️(E) mountains of unprocessed pain accumulated from old hurts & unmet needs, suppressing awareness of all that hurt, in order to keep going (denial)

◽️(A) staying in harmful or inappropriate situations we know are not good for range of Esus, and continuing to live in self-deprivation (not enough company, education, finances, fun, love, rest, self-reflection, sex, support….)

REMINDER – Thoughts & Actions can be either Positive, Negative or Neutral,
 but EMOTIONS are never negative!
They can range from :
Joyful <—–> to most Painful (+/- 100)
       with the calmest, pleasantest in the mid-range (+/- 20).

NEXT: What about anger – Part 2