PREVIOUS: ACoAs- What about anger (#1)
BOOK: “Strategies for Survival in an Angry World” ~ Dr Eva Bell
Anger – A temporary & episodic emotional reaction to a frustrating situation. It’s ‘rational’, because the cortex is still functioning, so the person can think & decide actions
▸ A strong, uncomfortable emotional response to something unwanted & not fitting with our values, beliefs or rights (triggered)
Irritability – A milder feeling in reaction to minor annoyances that happen as part of our daily routine
Aggression – An intentional desire to harm someone or something
Rage – An “irrational” emotion – meaning it’s unreasoning, automatic, instinctive – for the protective purpose of pushing away danger to self or someone/ something vital & loved.
Often expressed as an explosion, sometime into completely irrational behavior (without conscious thought), sometimes very deliberate!
Hostility – An emotional attitude of distrust + a negative mental opinion of everyone (chronic antagonism) causing a person to harm or want to harm others, indiscriminately.
Hate (internal) • extreme hurt which has hardened into cold rage.
In childhood it accumulates from being powerless to stop repeated & relentless abuse & neglect.
As adults, it’s
a. from persistently blaming others for our problems, instead of finding & using valid ways out of bad situations
b. as Self-Hate – turning our legitimate rage at family & environment back on ourselves
BIG PICTURE T.E.A. – Psychologists consider the 2 most basic human emotions to be love & fear (Es), which colors our thinking (Ts) & so our actions (As). All other emotions are seen as nuances & variations.
😍 LOVE generates: caring, compassion, contentment, happiness, honesty, enjoyment, satisfaction, trust…. (Diagrams in Part 5)
❖ Unconditional LOVE is the only source of self-esteem! (see Posts: “Being Loved“)
Healthy Love is what make a child feel safe, & Love is the all-powerful healer of wounds.
BUT – ACoAs did not experience a genuine sense of being loved, even if our parents said it or thought they did.
How do we know this? Because of the intense fear under everything we think, feel & do – seen in our S-H, FoA, PP….
All ACoAs are fear-based, having been thru so much abuse, chaos, controlling, denial, judgement, lies, narcissism & neglect – to ever feel totally safe – without healing
And sooner or later – fear always generates ANGER. Being constantly scared – with no comfort, no relief, no explanations…. will pile up & turn into RAGE.
NOTE : counter-phobia & addiction-to-excitement are defenses, not lack of fear.
⬅️ Emotion GRAPHS – computer models from the Atlas of Emotions
★ Normally, all emotions are short-term, in-&-out reactions to some immediate event, & in this form – anger is not a problem. In fact, modern psychologists view anger as a mature emotion experienced by everyone at times, having survival value. When understood & accepted, it can often be used to correct life’s imbalances, although it’s not possible in every situation.
But when painful EMOs persist for days, months or years – from living in harmful situations – they got stockpiled, without having:
✦ permission to be experienced as true emotional responses to abuse & losses
✦ anyone to listen to us, identify them (give them words) or comfort us
✦ an opportunity to process the events, so we wouldn’t have to suppress or deny them
NOW, painful emotions are being held in place by toxic T.E.A.s:
◽️(T) The WIC / PP’s thinking in the form of CDs, mental obsessions about something unpleasant/ unacceptable, without understanding our interaction or participation in the problem
◽️(E) mountains of unprocessed pain accumulated from old hurts & unmet needs, suppressing awareness of all that hurt, in order to keep going (denial)
◽️(A) staying in harmful or inappropriate situations we know are not good for us, and continuing to live in self-deprivation (not enough company, education, finances, fun, love, rest, self-reflection, sex, support….)
REMINDER – Thoughts & Actions can be either Positive, Negative or Neutral,
but EMOTIONS are never negative!
They can range from :
most Joyful <—–> to most Painful (+/- 100)
with the calmest, pleasantest in the mid-range (+/- 20).
NEXT: What about anger – Part 2