I CAN TAKE IN GOOD THINGS –
& I decide what they are or are not
PREVIOUS: Give & Take (#3)
WHAT TO TAKE from others – or NOT
ACoAs have a tendency to do everything in extremes, black & white, no room for fitting an action or emotion to the current situation. This applies to the issue of ‘receiving’. Because we think that taking anything is a form of manipulation, we don’t want to seem greedy or taking advantage of others. So, as with all mental health, we need a balance. NOT everyone is like our family, many of whom were selfish & stingy or insensitive & oblivious.
People GIVE – based on their state of mental health:
• healthy ones only offer what they legitimately have, can & want to do
• co-dependents usually give others what they want for themselves but aren’t allowed to have. They want to fix you (whether you need it or not) so you’ll be well enough to take care of them in return, hoping you’ll intuitively know to do that
• narcissists only extend themselves to give whatever they like to do or give, which has nothing to do with you
– If their offer doesn’t suit you, say not thanks & don’t give it a second thought
– If it does suit, don’t agonize & wonder why they’re doing it & what you have to do in return – just take it & smile.
AND – they do love to be appreciated & fawned over!
a. START from the assumption that IF someone volunteers something, they have the ability & the willingness to give you what’s offered. Take it at face value. In general, people like to share what they know, what they have & what they create. They feel good about it & we have the right to take it
NOTE: unless taking what is suggested would in any way harm you or someone else, it is usually best to accept it – as a way of respecting the positive motivation of the giver. This is not co-dependence as long as you also feel free to refuse, when appropriate
b. EXCEPTIONS to taking something offered. You can say “no thanks” :
— if it truly does not fit your genuine needs & tastes – especially if you ask for something specific but offered something completely different
— when a gift or action is inappropriate for the current situation (‘too soon’, not ‘that kind of friend’, not age-appropriate….)
— if you already know that a specific person is manipulative, sneaky or will use it against you – based on experience
CAVEAT: Don’t get a. & b. types confused! If you consistently have unhappy experiences with someone (narcissist, controller, bully), stop giving to them.
Giving anything to them – expecting reciprocation – will always be disappointing. Eventually you’ll be drained, get angry, then hopeless – and back in your childhood!
This is the WIC’s denial of past & present abandonments: trying frantically to create reciprocity with someone who’s not capable – wanting / demanding to get a return on our investment, in an impossible situation.
Use EFT to make a shift
🖤 BEGIN with the negative BELIEFS you want to change /undo.
EXP: “I can’t receive. It’s not ok to get things. I’m only supposed to give”
Specific aspects of the main self-defeating statement are combined with tapping parts of the face & body : eyebrow, side of & under eye, under nose, on chin, collarbone, under arm & top of head
💚 REVERSE: New statements are combined with tapping the same face & body parts, in the same sequence, refining the desired outcome with each successive area. (MORE….)
EXP: While tapping Collarbone, say: “I’d like to receive respect, honest responses & encouragement from those I love, & from those who work with me”….. AND
❤️ END with – Top of Head: I am so happy to receive; I receive divine gifts of time, energy, playfulness, joy, laughter, delight, but especially love. Love is the best gift to receive. I receive love now.” (Also Fear of being loved)
NEXT: Healthy Give & Take (Part 2)