ACoAs – NOT allowed to RECEIVE (Part 4)


 

 

PREVIOUS : Can’t receive #3

 

 

2. ACoA assumptions ABOUT OTHERS (cont.)
WE BELIEVE :
a. On the one hand =
• that everyone‘s hiding the ‘truth’ about there not being enough to go around, so they have nothing to spare – for us. This is the alcoholic ‘Law of Scarcity’ : the glass is always half-full or less —

— which means we can’t expect anything, so why bother trying, since everyone is as needy as we (secretly) are. They’re always going to want too much from us – more than we can possibly give. If we let our guard down even a little by engaging in any kind of exchange, they’ll suck us drynot enough love

• that no one is naturally generous & so never gives freely. Everyone has an ulterior motive – to use us, only for their benefit. When people volunteer anything that seems good, we have to be on guard & figure out why they’re offering, or what they really want

no one is safe or trustworthy. Better to not take anything so we don’t have to give anything back. To give even a little is to lose everything (ourselves)
we can’t accept any favors, because we won’t be able to repay it enough, & then we’ll be mad & punished us for not providing exactly what they need or want (mind-reading them). Better to keep everyone at arm’s length

REALITY: Most people do not want the equivalent of ‘our first-born child’.
They do want at least a modicum of acknowledgment, respect & pleasantness. Most will definitely appreciate a hello, a thank you, a smile, maybe some light conversation.
ACoAs would do well to develop small talk – yes even Introverts! – a legitimate social lubricant, since it’s not appropriate to lay a heavy trip on everyone we meet! Save that for your journal, therapy, BFFs & Program. But it’s also not ‘normal’ to have nothing to say.

b. On the other hand = 
• we feel so worthless or evil that we should be dead, yet try to survive. TO be ‘allowed’ to exist we have to do & be whatever others want. That’s the only way to get anything – but indirectly.  So WE:manipulate
i. Manipulate 
• control, bully, out-smart, out-think everyone
• use sexual attraction, great salesmanship & charm
• OR be weak & needy so others feel sorry for us

Because we’re not allowed to ask for anything outright (god forbid!), most ACoAs trudge thru life in long-suffering limbo – desperately hoping someone will figure out what we want or need & give us a crumb or two.  CODA points out that we stay in bad relationships because of the scraps of attention unhealthy people throw us – just enough to keep us hooked. So if we finally do leave – we have ‘crumb withdrawal’!

ii. Self-Sabotage – our WIC playing a sneaky self-destructive life-game with the PP : “I hangoverknow I’m not supposed to have anything, but I still have needs (my bad), so I’ll make a sideways effort get a little something, but it’ll all be harmful so it won’t really count. With one hand I’ll be defying you, while obeying you with the other.”

• To play this game, we unconsciously make sure that most of what we pursue & stick with follow the Toxic Rules, by
— not actually fulfilling our fundamental, long neglected needs & rights, AND
— by choosing substances, types of people, careers or locations…. that ultimately damage us. Some of our choices may seem exciting for a while, because they’re ‘illicit’, but their destructive qualities insure that we’re punished for even trying to take care of ourselves, however poorly.

SOLUTIONSget a hug
Knowledge Once we understand what’s at work we can manage the discomfort of HEALTH, until the anxiety fades
Acceptance – Don’t fight the backlash or go into S-H. Keep to the path
Nurturing – Be kind to yourself, hold & talk to the WIC. Assertion – Stand up to the PP voice & ride out the discomfort. It will pass & you’ll be left with the benefits of whatever good things have come into your life! GET A HUG!

NEXT: Healthy give & take #1

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.