ACoAS & WEAK Boundaries (Part 2)


rigid Bs
I DON’T LET MYSELF SAY ANYTHING
so I don’t upset other people

PREVIOUS: WEAK Bs (Part 1)


REMINDER
:
The requirement for having appropriate Boundaries
IS
knowing what your NEEDS are & actively providing them, as best as possible.


CHARACTERISTICS of weak Bs
They represent not having the right to our needs, often expressed as a general passivity in life – letting people & circumstances push us around.
BTW, you may notice that some of these expressions of weak Bs are the same or similar to those of rigid Bs. This is only natural since the underlying causes all come from our unhealthy upbringing.

SEXUAL
We have weak Bs if we:
• attach our self-esteem to being sexually attractive
• can’t distinguish between love and sex
• have sex when we don’t want to
• feel a need to always be in a sexual relationship
• “fall in love” at first sight  – just because someone seems interested or reaches out to us
• let others touch us, even when it’s uncomfortable or inappropriate

PRACTICAL
We have weak Bs if we:
• accept unwanted gifts to not hurt feelings or make others angry
• allow others to take as much as they want from us (time, $$, energy….)
• are indecisive & therefore unpredictable, undependable
• don’t protect our physical space, letting people  — stand or sit too close
— take and/or use something of ours without asking
• don’t acknowledge our need for privacy, by not objecting to being asked personal questions, preventing others from snooping around our things…… without doing something about it
WE:
• DO too much, either by being controlling (B invade), OR overly responsible (doing everything ourself)
have to do something a certain way or modify our behavior so that someone else can continue their unproductive or unsafe behavior – enabling any kind of bad or self-destructive behavior
• let others determine our wants, needs & tastes, sacrificing them to someone else’s desires or demands – no matter how subtly done
no choiceWE:
overcompensate for our existence, when we think we’ve messed up in word or action
• measure another person’s caring by material gifts – how much, what kind they give us
• sacrifice our own goals, projects & self-care to help others – from FoA
• set no specific limits on our willingness to help others

MENTAL
We have weak Bs if we:
• allow the expectations of others to define our potential
• always verbally agree with others, even when we actually don’t
• are afraid to ask for help, so have to constantly manipulate others to get what we want (indirect)
• compromise values & beliefs to please others or to avoid conflict
• get too close too fast, share too much personal info (TMI – especially our faults) before establishing mutual trust
WE:
• ignore our inner voice & rely on others’ opinions, values & emotions
• know we’re covering something up or keeping a secret, such as battered wife & children hiding injuries, kids covering up parental addictions, emotional torture, mental illness….
• let other’s influence / effect our behavior, be unclear about our own preferences
• personalize everything, over-reacting to feelings or behavior of others (assume other’s reactions are all about us).

EMOTIONAL
We have weak Bs if we:
• are constantly preoccupied with & overwhelmed by others’ emotions, needs & problems (take them on as if our own), feeling responsible for their happiness & fulfillment

• are dependent for our identity & emotional well-being on what others think of us, so become chameleons OR isolates
• are not cblend or leaveomfortable being alone, at least some times
WE:
• can’t say no, even when wanting to, for fear of rejection (abandonment)
• feel everything ‘too much’, not able to contain or soothe our own emotions
• feel & act like victims, have no balance of power or responsibility in relationships
WE:
• have a high tolerance for abuse, for being treated with disrespect
• ignore our own discomfort, anger, anxiety or fear so someone else can be happy & comfortable
• need constant reassurance from others that we’re acceptable
• people-please – say yes when we want to say no, & then act out later, either on ourselves (S-H) or at others (passive-aggression)
• symbiotically attach ourselves to someone, something – anything!

NEXT: RIGID Boundaries – #1

2 thoughts on “ACoAS & WEAK Boundaries (Part 2)

  1. Great post. I have weak boundaries in all of the categories but by far most of them are in the category of emotional.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.