PREVIOUSLY: – 20 Stages (#1)
BOOK: “The Empath’s Survival Guide,” ∼ Judith Orloff, psychiatrist
REVIEW: Narcissists (Ns) & Empaths (Ems) are often drawn to each other – because Ems have a lot of compassion & understanding to give, while Ns thrive on having others worship them.
This is obviously not a healthy match, since Ems tend to forgive everything the N does, allowing themselves to be completely used & degraded, while the N creates more & more trauma. Ems work hard for harmony, whereas Ns enjoy chaos, & love knowing they can pull other people’s strings.
20 Stages (cont.)
9. The Em doesn’t get that the N’s needs / wants / desires can never be met or satisfied, no matter how hard the Em tries.
Ns can’t be happy no matter how much praise & provisions they get from others. Wanting constant attention, the N may move to other partners, open a new business, travel around the world, get involved in new creative pursuits…. but still be a bottomless well
10. If the Em ever decides to talk honestly about being hurt & disappointed in the relationship, the N will dismiss any of the Em’s efforts to work it out. They’ll be quick to say the Em’s concerns are unfounded, calling them “crazy, delusional, overly-dramatic…..” This contemptuous attitude is a tactic used to re-gain control over the Em’s mind
11. Empaths (Em) find it impossible to ‘understand’ the narcissist’s (N) abusive behavior. In trying to making sense of it, the Em blames themself for everything that’s wrong in the relationship, since the N has convinced the Em they’re not good enough and not worthy of love – from anyone.
12. The Em doesn’t realize they’re being manipulated – again. The N has created a twisted version of reality, gaslighting the Em so they won’t believe in their experiences & sanity.
The Em has been deliberately blinded, but there are people & facts around that would be able to clearly tell them they’re quite sane, & it’s the N partner who’s wrong & wicked – if only they hadn’t been so isolated
13. Every effort the Em makes to communicate honestly with the N is pointless, who will always try to pass on the blame, to justify themselves
14. The Em needs to know that it is completely normal & legitimate to feel confused, defenseless, lost & deeply hurt.
If the Em would sit quietly – and get the right kind of help – they could finally identify their feelings about what’s been happening to them – without self-blame. Then the Recovery can start
15. Empaths are the healers of society. They have the inner strength needed for themselves to overcome any challenge that comes their way. They can also help others deal with suffering – once they’re clear about their own identity, reality & sanity
16. Hopefully, the Em eventually comes to realize the bitter truth – that the N does not have a right to their affection, love & care.
The Em must accept that not everyone who puts on a sad face is emotionally truthful, & that not everyone who says ‘I love you’ really means it.
There are some people in the world with vile motives, using lots of manipulative games to unfairly get what they want
17. The Em needs to thoroughly understand that they are the actual victim in the relationship – not the N. They too have suffered – not just the N – but with a difference : Ems are wiling to make positive efforts to heal themselves. Ns will not
18. When the Em realizes that the N will never change – it can come as a painfully rude awakening. However, this is essential in order to move ahead – & away – to put an end to the toxic relationship
19. Once the Em stops falling for the torture of mind games, they may be surprised to find that the N will go on with their life as if nothing ‘bad’ happened, & just find a new victim.
The N won’t care that someone loved them honestly & deeply, never admitting they are the one who can’t connect internally with others
20. If the Em leaves, with time & Recovery – they become stronger & wiser. Even though the relationship was incredibly traumatic, the Em can be seen as a lesson.
They can better identify what’s acceptable treatment & what they don’t want. This will help them choose happier, healthier relationships – not just with a mate, but also family members, friends, bosses….
NEXT: Qs for N-Abuse victims