ACoAS & WEAK Boundaries (Part 2)

rigid Bs
I DON’T LET MYSELF SAY ANYTHING
so I don’t upset other people

PREVIOUS: WEAK Bs (Part 1)


REMINDER
:
The requirement for having appropriate Boundaries
IS
knowing what your NEEDS are & actively providing them, as best as possible.


CHARACTERISTICS of weak Bs
They represent not having the right to our needs, often expressed as a general passivity in life – letting people & circumstances push us around.
BTW, you may notice that some of these expressions of weak Bs are the same or similar to those of rigid Bs. This is only natural since the underlying causes all come from our unhealthy upbringing.

SEXUAL
We have weak Bs if we:
• attach our self-esteem to being sexually attractive
• can’t distinguish between love and sex
• have sex when we don’t want to
• feel a need to always be in a sexual relationship
• “fall in love” at first sight  – just because someone seems interested or reaches out to us
• let others touch us, even when it’s uncomfortable or inappropriate

PRACTICAL
We have weak Bs if we:
• accept unwanted gifts to not hurt feelings or make others angry
• allow others to take as much as they want from us (time, $$, energy….)
• are indecisive & therefore unpredictable, undependable
• don’t protect our physical space, letting people  — stand or sit too close
— take and/or use something of ours without asking
• don’t acknowledge our need for privacy, by not objecting to being asked personal questions, preventing others from snooping around our things…… without doing something about it
WE:
• DO too much, either by being controlling (B invade), OR overly responsible (doing everything ourself)
have to do something a certain way or modify our behavior so that someone else can continue their unproductive or unsafe behavior – enabling any kind of bad or self-destructive behavior
• let others determine our wants, needs & tastes, sacrificing them to someone else’s desires or demands – no matter how subtly done
no choiceWE:
overcompensate for our existence, when we think we’ve messed up in word or action
• measure another person’s caring by material gifts – how much, what kind they give us
• sacrifice our own goals, projects & self-care to help others – from FoA
• set no specific limits on our willingness to help others

MENTAL
We have weak Bs if we:
• allow the expectations of others to define our potential
• always verbally agree with others, even when we actually don’t
• are afraid to ask for help, so have to constantly manipulate others to get what we want (indirect)
• compromise values & beliefs to please others or to avoid conflict
• get too close too fast, share too much personal info (TMI – especially our faults) before establishing mutual trust
WE:
• ignore our inner voice & rely on others’ opinions, values & emotions
• know we’re covering something up or keeping a secret, such as battered wife & children hiding injuries, kids covering up parental addictions, emotional torture, mental illness….
• let other’s influence / effect our behavior, be unclear about our own preferences
• personalize everything, over-reacting to feelings or behavior of others (assume other’s reactions are all about us).

EMOTIONAL
We have weak Bs if we:
• are constantly preoccupied with & overwhelmed by others’ emotions, needs & problems (take them on as if our own), feeling responsible for their happiness & fulfillment

• are dependent for our identity & emotional well-being on what others think of us, so become chameleons OR isolates
• are not cblend or leaveomfortable being alone, at least some times
WE:
• can’t say no, even when wanting to, for fear of rejection (abandonment)
• feel everything ‘too much’, not able to contain or soothe our own emotions
• feel & act like victims, have no balance of power or responsibility in relationships
WE:
• have a high tolerance for abuse, for being treated with disrespect
• ignore our own discomfort, anger, anxiety or fear so someone else can be happy & comfortable
• need constant reassurance from others that we’re acceptable
• people-please – say yes when we want to say no, & then act out later, either on ourselves (S-H) or at others (passive-aggression)
• symbiotically attach ourselves to someone, something – anything!

NEXT: RIGID Boundaries – #1

ACoAs & WEAK Boundaries (Part 1)

weak BsI CAN’T SAY NO TO ANYONE
so they won’t get mad, or worse – leave me!

PREVIOUS: B. Invasions’ #3

SITE : 12 Signs You Lack Boundaries

REVIEW:Safe & Unsafe People
and  ACoA Rules – Healthy (#1-3)

THRIVERS
People who were brought up in a relatively healthy home have what’s called a ‘cohesive or integrated self’, based on consistent, good-enough parenting. They got enough of their needs met early on, which gave them a strong psychological foundation in the form of the internalized Good Introject.
Thrivers have good personal boundaries (Bs) that are self-protective, but which also allow them to be sensitive to the needs of others, making them open to giving & receiving nurture in relationships.
(READ excerpts from: “The Reciprocating Self…healthy Bs

Healthy Bs  can be illustrated as a circle of our personal space – that has gaps, so we’re not walled in – but with a door at each opening, which WE are in control of.

In contrast to Thrivers
• Since boundaries are not inborn, the way we were raised determines the state of our self-protective mechanism as adults. Weak Bs, also called diffuse, are a common result of a traumatic, chaotic childhood – when parents treated us as property, or an extension of themselves, or annoying pest to be swatted away.
Screen Shot 2015-06-26 at 2.27.06 AMPINK – Walls: One unhealthy option is to keep all interpersonal door shut tight, keeping everyone out, so we’re always PMES starving
BLUE – no Bs  : we have those same gaps in our personal space BUT without any doors, so the openings indiscriminately let in useful, neutral or damaging info & experiences.  EXP: We’re available to absorb :
a. inaccurate, deliberately distorted or outright harmful information
b. the negative, poisonous energy of constant complainers, accusers, blamers, insulters…..
WHICH makes it easy for others to get under our skin or stomp on us!

 REVIEW : The family symbiosis shows up as members who ‘understand’, accommodate & over-tolerate bad behavior (spouse – of the drinker / rager…  children – of sick, abusive parents….), making them increasingly dependent on each other at the expense of outside relationships.

Many of our parents were over-controlling, sexually abusive, neglectful or attacking, using us as a substitute spouse or substitute parent (role reversal)…, while they disowned or tried to crush the Real us!
Whether totally oblivious, OR too involved in our lives in wrong ways, never leaving us alone — it was extremely hard for us to define who we are.

In some cases the symbiotic connection takes a twisted form of empathy, so that members ‘feel’ each others’ thoughts & emotions, wishes & needs – especially their suffering.
This kind of empathy is engulfing & strangling, which prevents the children from having their own separate thoughts & emotions, AND from getting the comfort, understanding & help they need to develop normally. It stifles personal growth & independence, insuring that outsiders are excluded from having meaningful relationships with anyone within the family.

Wounded ACoAs end up with :
i. a ‘vulnerable self’ with weak boundaries. These are easily hurt by people, places & things (PPT), but without adequate self-protection. Being more subtly needy, we actively connect with exciting narcissistic friends & mates, still looking for love in all the wrong places like the Toxic Introject.
More severely damaged ACoAs have:
ii. a ‘fractured self
, having been subjected to such severely bad parenting that they have almost no internal resources (no strength, resilience, esteem, empowerment, hope…), who are also without Bs, truly fragile – so desperate that they cling, whine, complain, ‘suffer’… OR may compensate by being demanding, controlling, rageful & cruel….but with fragile egos.

•The Co-dependent triangle : When in the Victim Role our weak Bs are more obvious – so co-dep trinaglewhen anyone disrespects an important boundary of ours (often that they’re not aware of) we feel discounted, hurt, oppressed, ignored, abused, taken advantage of.
The Victim’s slogan is “Poor me!”, yet we perpetuate it by staying with emotionally unavailable Persecutors OR co-dep Rescuers, trying to get the love & attention we desperately need but don’t feel we deserve.
HOWEVER, we can also turn into Perpetrators by imposing ourselves on others! & then become rageful when too frustrated with anyone who’s not capable of satisfying our demands.

NEXT: Weak Bs (Part 2) – Characteristics