acoa recovery

Separation & Individuation (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

family tree TO STAY ATTACHED OR NOT – how can I be truly safe?

PREVIOUS: Symbiosis #3

POSTs: Autonomy & Attachment

SITE: Object constancy (vs object permanence)

BOOK re. S & I:‘‘The UNFOLDING SELF”  by Mara Sidoli

Normal DEPENDENCE
As children we are all dependent on the ‘kindness of  strangers’ (parents / caretakers). This makes us vulnerable to their personal, social & religious training, so children are either nurtured & loved OR abused & neglected.  Even those of us who had an outwardly ok family may have experienced abandonment in ways that others can’t see from the outside

As adults, IF we were originally victimized at home, we have the illusion that staying dependent will get us taken care of, making up for the past. However, the tradeoff is to give up adult rights – to have our own opinions, make our own choices, follow our own destiny

Healthy INDEPENDENCE
French aristocrat, writer, poet & pioneering aviator Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, “I know but freedom of mindone freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.”  We can say that the root of independence lies in our ability to think freely, since to a large extent, our thoughts determine our actions & experiences.

• Some expressions of independence are : being competent, having our own unique voice, acting autonomously in the world – while still being able to consider the differing ideas & feelings of others. It allows us to stay connected without being symbiotic.

Object Constancy: To develop healthy independence a person would have needed a genuine connection with dependable, competent & emotionally available caretakers, starting with a psychologically healthy mother.
🌺 That would result in the ability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy & reliable, especially when out of the person’s immediate field of vision

THE GOAL of all therapy & other types of Recovery is Separation & Individuation (S & I), the struggle to become an adult**. This can only be done by clearly identifying & expressing the person we were born to be, as part of our genetic & social heritage, yet not a carbon copy of anyone else. Children from healthy families are allowed this process while growing up, so they don’t have to go thru the stress of this particular type of ‘letting go’.

**Many ACoAs balk at the suggestion that we have to grow up (become an adult), because —
✓ the WIC doesn’t want to give up being in charge. This ego state has allowed us to survive thus far – but with great limitations. Having to rely on ourselves way too early gave the WIC the only sense of power it has ever known & won’t relinquish it easily

✓ we equate being an adult with being like our drunk & narcissistic parents – either mean, weak or crazy.  They were acting out of their Bad Parent & WIC, but never from a Loving Parent / Healthy Adult state.
Of course we don’t want to be like them – BUT we are, in the way the False Self was formed, using the Toxic Rules & Toxic Roles.
So we can’t look to them for a model of adulthood!

S & IThe False Self (FS) is made up of two or more sub-selves that develop from childhood damage – as the only way to survive we had at the time. These well-meaning but wounded, comfort-seeking persona usurped leadership from our naturally talented True Self (TS).

It’s not just the mask we present to the world, it’s what we now assume IS us, the only Self we’ve ever known.
As the FS aspects formed, they disabled or stunted our TS, preventing our wise brain/body’s ability to make instinctively natural, holistic mental decisions & action-choices, so what we truly think, perceive, feel & how we act – are distorted or hidden.

• These sub-selves (FS) have tried valiantly to manage under extremely difficult conditions, & we can appreciate their efforts that allowed us to survive.  However, they no longer serve our adult needs, so we can’t afford to let them continue ruling our life.
In our ‘language’, it means not letting the WIC be in charge anymore, by growing the UNIT.
(⬆️ CHART modified from “Break the Cycle”)

NEXT: S & I (#2)

SYMBIOSIS & ACoAs (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

symbiotic trapIT’S SO HARD TO LET GO
I want to stay loyal to them!

PREVIOUS:  Symbiosis & ACoAs (part 1)

REVIEW: Ego States – Parent
 “Autonomy & Attachment” – opposite of symbiosis

SITE: Do you Love to be needed or Need to be loved?

IN CHILDHOOD (Part 1)

AS ADULTs
Emotional Symbiosis (ES) is the damaged part of us that tries to make any important “other” a carbon copy of ourself, assuming it will make us feel safe & loved. But it doesn’t work.
Because our mother was not able to emotionally bond with us from birth on – it created the original Abandonment, underpinning all our dysfunctions. It left us with a desperation for that missing connection – at any cost to self or others – which healthy infant-symbiosis would have provided.

SYMBIOSIS is narcissistic, appropriate for an infant – but NOT for an adult. It’s an futile attempt to get maternal nurturing & to gain self-esteem thru adult relationships

• It’s frustratingly unsuccessful, even if someone is willing to co-dependently try, because we know at some very deep level that it’s not a legitimate way to connect

• We’re trying to force others to give us the mother-infant love we never got, demanding they give us permission to be on the planet — rather than being with us out of genuine affection & respect, as equals.
And, if they do agree to “help” us, they are doing it to feel needed, to fill a hole in themself, SO it’s not really about you!

Unfortunately, ES not only affects the individual family unit, but is usually passed down through the generations, always with a negative impact. Family enmeshment is a form of psychic incest, as inappropriate cross-generational bondingego states
.
Characteristics :
• children are caught in up the needs of parents, having to ignore their own
• communication is triangulated (party line)
• everyone is in each other’s business all the time
• everyone must conform to the party line – whatever that is in that family
• kids must stick to narrow Roles (Scapegoat, Hero….)
• have poor or no boundaries between the various members
• member are punished for any non-conformity or trying to be a separate individual, by constant badgering, outright attacks, the cold shoulder or banishment

IN THE PRESENT – in us or our parents
The compulsion to symbiose now comes mainly from the WIC ego state , held in place by its attachment to our internal negative Introject & external damaging parents – who were either overly-out of focusattached or unavailable for us.  The compulsion comes from NOT:
• having appropriate role models for healthy ways to relate
• having a strong healthy sense of one’s True identity
• feeling safe on ones own
• not having boundaries
• not knowing ‘who I really am’, with a deep fear of abandonment, causing intense self-hate, shame, guilt

ES is a way to not acknowledge absorbing the family line which implied or blatantly told us that we’re worthless & unlovable. Denying childhood abandonment is maintained in many ways – such as trying to prove we’re nothing like them – while at the same time repeating the very family drama we claim to be escaping. So we unconsciously choose the old familiar PPT (people, place & things) ! Freud’s ‘Repetition Compulsion’

A person who craves & demands ES has a limited capacity to be aware of, appreciate, respect & acknowledge the inner experience of another. They need everyone to agree with their point of view – about everything – & tend to put others down when they don’t.

Symbiotic Attachment IS:
• taking someone emotionally captive instead of having equal, healthy, inter-dependence with others (“Alcoholics – & other narcissists – don’t have relationships, they take hostages”)

• USING others to take care of us instead of being our own adult, to not have to do the deep emotional work that can heal our damage & free up the real us

• the need to insist everyone be a carbon copy of oneself (mirror image) to validate one’s shaky identity – actually the False Self. We don’t have permission to be REAL, so – if others are just like us – then we’re OK (allowed to live).  (MORE….includes examples)

NEXT: Symbiosis – Part 3

SYMBIOSIS & ACoAs (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

mother/infantAM I ME, AM I YOU & ARE YOU ME?
I hate myself, but I also want you to be exactly like me!

PREVIOUS: Autonomy & Attachment (#3b)

REVIEW: Ego States – CHILD


SYMBIOSIS
• As infants, all humans are born with a built-in biological & psychological set of tendencies, which interact with & responds to their specific environment in their own unique way – but without a formed personality

The child’s first connection is to the mother (usually), not aware of a difference between itself & its caretaker. This one-ness is normal & appropriate. It allows the child to feel safe & protected while gradually becoming acquainted with itself & the big world it has come in to

• Regardless of the type of family, nature & nurture (how we’re treated) combine to form what we think of as our SELF.  If born into a reasonably healthy one, the child is allowed & encouraged to develop the pre-set template they came into the world with

✶ This creates a sense of external & then internal safety. Having permission to be oneself gradually makes it possible to function in the world as an individual who is comfortable in their skin & with other people

IN CHILDHOODmother rejecting
a. BROKEN Symbiosis – BUT, if the mother is not available or unable to connect with the infant to nurture it from a deep place of love, the symbiotic bond is never formed or is too soon broken, before the child can tolerate it

This can be:
— because of’ illness or death, spousal abuse, external trauma such as an accident, natural disasters, war…..
OR most commonly
— personality defects like narcissism, anxiety, depression, rage at having to be a caretaker, not wanting to be tied down…..

✶ This creates intense & long-lasting terror in the baby, with the message that there’s something fundamentally wrong with it. Such children spend the rest of their life trying to forge that missing link with someone – anyone – to stop that terrible, relentless anxiety, SO-
• they end up alone, never forming any intimate bond – OR
• find another wounded soul they can attach to & live together in isolation  – OR
• keep being attracted to emotionally unavailable people, reproducing the very abandonment they so fear (trying to symbiose with the ‘distant’ mother)

b. UNBROKEN Symbiosis : at the other extreme – the mother who didn’t get that bond in her own infancy, will try to get it now from her child – creating a captive who can never leave them! heli-mom
This mother will make every effort to negate the child’s individuality in favor of her own needs & wants, to make that little person her clone, & will punish any disagreement or separation.

If there’s no one else available or strong enough to interfere with this suffocating attachment (father, sibling or other…) the child never has the freedom to develop it’s own identity, but stays dependent on the mother (& family or substitutes) for it’s very existence throughout life.

This child grows up TO (some or all):
• never leave home     • not have any rights
• be depressed, isolated, suicidal
octopus mom• have weak boundaries
• be unable to have healthy, autonomous relationships
• be terrified of abandonment in any form
• be unable to support themself
• not trust their own judgment
• not have their own opinions about things
• have symbiotic relationships with domineering people….
OR
If the child does get away, then as an A-CoA, they’ll be terrified of any close involvement with others. The fear of being engulfed again is so unbearable that it’s expressed as fear of commitment.
Even when they are in some form of relationship, it will be with extreme emotional detachment, a need for total control, endless sexual conquests, come here – go away interactions, irresponsibility…. or just walking away & never looking back!

➼ Both the strayers & the leavers are ripe for addictions, to fill that big emotional hole inside – but it never works
INFO: Symbiosis can be understood through the ego state model. In a symbiotic relationship, both people use only some of their ego states to relate to each other, which they combine, functioning as if they only had one identity between them. They get stuck in rigid roles, resulting in less flexibility.

NEXT: Symbiosis (#2)

AUTONOMY & ATTACHMENT (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I CAN CONNECT WITH OTHERScat/dog friends
and still be myself!

PREVIOUS: Autonomy & Attachment (#1)

SEE ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

AUTONOMY (Part 1)

ATTACHMENT
ABOUT.com – …. attachment “may be defined as an affectional tie that one person or animal forms between itself & another specific one – a tie that binds them together in space, & endures over time.”
“Attachment is not just a connection between two people, but a bond that involves a desire for regular contact with a special person, & the experience of distress during separation from them.” says psychologist Mary Ainsworth

💛 Healthy attachment is NOT fueled by anxiety, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, weak boundaries or neediness.  RATHER, it’s grounded in the opposite:
• A clear sense & acceptance of our CORE personality, based on heredity, personal qualities, character, education, accomplishments, experience, tastes, & talents  – as well as lacks, limitations & defects
5 o'clock B.
• Having reasonable expectations of ourselves & others, in order to have mutually satisfying relationships, & not be devastated when others can’t be what we want them to be

• Having good boundaries – knowing what our needs are, how we’re the same or different from others, how we want to be treated. & be able to clearly state our needs & wants, when appropriate
THEREFORE :
• we can choose emotionally available people who are reasonably healthy, are generally compatible & don’t need us to take care of them
• can accept differences, limitation & imperfections in others

loss• know it’s OK to be attracted to people who have some traits like our family (it’s normal to connect with the familiar), but choose those who can treat us better
• when people act in ways that trigger us, we don’t react as intensely & can respond from our Healthy Adult (not from the WIC or PP)

• are able to tolerate disconnections with others, even outright losses, while keeping a sense of our own identity, knowing that no matter what, we are OK, lovable, strong, capable of taking care of ourselves & being on our own, if necessary.

INTER-DEPENDENCE
Symbiosis ——> Autonomy ——-> Attachment —–> Inter-dependence
As ACoAs from wounded families – we need to slowly
🔪DETACH from the damage we brought with us from childhoodcut damage, in order to —
🧲 ATTACH to the many gifts Higher Power has given us as our birthright, which makes it easier to identify & connect with peers !

Growing successfully thru the previous stages allows us to become more Inter-dependent. 
Of course, most of us are in flux, sliding back & forth between stages. The goal is to keep working at the process, & not get stuck for too long in any one.
(Article: “Attachment & Adult Relationships”) 

SimilarMinds.com
Inter-dependent people tend to see themself as basically good. THEY :
ARE – More likely to be content, emotionally expressive, positive, trusting
ARE – easier to get to know, open & relationship-oriented, comfortable with or love birthdays. Less ‘in their head’, less rigid

TEND TO:  be traditional & value society, like some guidance, take advice & learn better with others, like to be part of a group & do things with others, feel grateful to parents.

inter-dependenceWikipedia ….(interdependence) is being mutually & physically responsible to, & sharing a common set of principles – with others…..

✶ INdependent thinking is not suited to inter-dependent reality.
Independent people who don’t have the maturity to think & act inter-dependently may be good individual producers, but not good leaders or team players. They’re less likely to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational life.
(Stephen Covey, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’, 1989)

✶ INTER-dependence is & ought to be as much the ideal of humans as self-sufficiency. Humans are social beings. Without interacting with society we cannot realize our oneness with the universe or suppress our egotism. Social inter-dependence helps us test our faith & prove ourself on the touchstone of reality. (2020 updated version of 1929 Mahatma Gandhi)
Need we say more?

NEXT: SYMBIOSIS & ACoAs  –  #1

AUTONOMY & ATTACHMENT (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

gain autonomy
SERVANT or MASTER of YOUR CASTLE
Who’s the boss of you?

PREVIOUS: Being Visible (#3)

 

ACoA SYMBIOSIS   (see Post)
It’s an unhealthy attachment to others as a way to:
• compensate for emotional abandonment in childhood
• cope with deep anxiety of being a separate entity
• escape having to face the struggle of growing up emotionally
• mask self-hate & fear of abandonment

In the process of healing the past, we move thru layers of growth with the ultimate goal of being free.
Symbiosis ——> Autonomy ——-> Attachment ——> Inter-dependence

AUTONOMY
1. GENERAL – As part of the human life cycle, the normal, healthy psychological goal of adulthood is to become our True Self, be inter-dependent with others & contribute positively to society.
• A reasonably healthy family encourages children to be an accepted part of the family group, as well as developing as a separate individual, & then be able to function successfully in the larger world

• However, as ACoAs we were:
☼ not allowed to fully develop our own identity
☼ forced to stay in emotional & sometimes physical bondage to the family
☼ so ignored, neglected &/or tortured we couldn’t form a stable bond with anyone.  See  ‘Attachment Disorder’ site

2. REQUIREMENTS woman w/ lotus
a. S & I  (Separation & Individuation) is required to connect successfully with others, the opposite of co-dependence & symbiosis, BY knowing:
• ourselves & being comfortable in our own skin
• what our needs & tastes are, & provide for them
• we’re OK, which is self-esteem & not arrogance or superiority
• we can be safe & at ease when dealing with others by having strong boundaries

b. Motivation
A hallmark of Personal Independence is being our own motivator** — not from egotism, but from being responsible for ourselves.  Spiritual & psychological teachers tell us that we need to look inside for the answers to our problems – that it’s an ‘inside job’, not what we have, but what we are. (‘Process, Part 2, b, iii’ )

in charge**Self-Motivation means we want to do things – for ourselves. It’s the reason behind our actions, our guiding principles.
NO – It does NOT mean ignoring or disrespecting our family, the needs of others or our spiritual connections
YES – It DOES mean is that, as adults, we’re not waiting for someone else to give us permission or a reason to act

➼ Pre-FoO Recovery, ACoAs can take many actions FOR others or because OF others, but rarely just because WE want to. (‘Responsibility’ )
Without someone pushing or pulling us, we’re like dormant trees in the forest or hibernating bears, waiting for the sun to shine on us, warm us up, give us a reason to move. This is the essence of co-dependence

• Past motivators – Normal: Our parents & family, school, teachers, friends, peer groups, religion, our countryour damage

• Present day motivators
★ negative: PRIMARILY our damage – hidden from us in the subconscious (the Shadow side) – old unresolved pain, toxic beliefs, our allegiance to our wounded family system, our resentments, fears… all expressed thru the WIC’s behavior

SECONDARILY: by other people’s opinions, the needs & wishes of friends, relatives, mates, children, bosses, our community, a punitive religion, & a distorted view of God

☆ positive: a loving H.P. & Ourself. All other reasons to act need to come second, evaluating them based on mental health, common sense, Recovery (not from the WIC or PP bad parent) – ie. emotional maturity

c. TOOLS to get to KNOW OURSELVES:
• a variety of psychological inventories & personality tests
tools• dreams, visualizations, prayer, spiritual literature
• feedback from reliable sources / meetings, therapy, body work
• listening to ourselves, mindfulness, staying in the now
• listing things we’re good at, ask others about our good / excellent qualities
• observing our behavior patterns, slowly over time
• noticing our emotional responses to every situation
• talking with the IC thru the day, listening to our intuition/gut
• written inventories, journaling, morning pages, I.C. writing

NEXT: Autonomy & Attachment, #2

ACoAs & BEING VISIBLE (Part 4)

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I CAN BE SEEN
without being in danger

PREVIOUS: Visibility (#3)

ARTICLES: “Psychological Visibility”
and “Psychological Visibility as a Source of Value in Friendship”, by Shailushi Baxi

DEFINITIONS
To understand being truly visible we have to be clear about the differences between our misunderstanding of reality & what IS real.
Much confusion about it comes from distorted definitions & beliefs re. Arrogance vs. Having Rights, & Confrontation vs. Self-Assertiveness, Humility vs. Humiliation.

ACoAs often have the mistaken notion that being visible is arrogant, showing off, expressing hubris. NOT SO.
We’re so trained to not speak up, that we think any form of assertiveness is a confrontation. Not true.
Instead, when we speak from our Adult Ego State, use ‘I’ statements & don’t attack – we are in the right
🦚
1a. Arrogance
• Having (& showing) an exaggerated opinion of one’s own importance, value & ability, from an assumption of ones superiority over others
• Not being able to take correction, criticism or guidance. These are the WIC’s or PP’s narcissism & grandiosity

It stems from insecurity & a need to be validated – often trying to take credit for more than the person really did, in order to boost themselves. It tends to be expressed by not listening, dismissing others’ opinions, with ‘loud‘ energy, craving attention online, being pushy with coworkers, or just never letting someone else speak
vs.
1b. “Having Rights” – review it, along with “My Rights”
When we know our needs & rights, we value ourselves. So acknowledging our beliefs, assets & accomplishments is HEALTHY!
Re. NEEDS :
1. Basic PMES requirements – same for all humans across the planet, listed on the Maslow Pyramid
2. Personality needs, based on our specific configuration – learning style, MBTI & Enneagram Type…..
3. Wound needs, from the repeated ways we were abused & neglected.
In the present it’s about finding the best ways to compensate for past trauma that may always be with us to some degree, but becomes much milder with Recovery
🦚
2a. Confrontation (aggressive): ALWAYS comes from anger.
It means approaching someone (in person or not) in a threatening way, assertiveness....being argumentative, wanting to unsettle them – especially with abuse, accusations, arrogance & defiance.
A hostile clash of opinions, ideas & power
vs.
2b. Assertiveness: being confident & direct in claiming one’s rights or putting forward one’s views, clearly & without anger, in an honest & respectful way, especially about difficult issues

It’s based on present-day reality. At work, such a person is confident about their identity & competence, so their energy level is ‘quiet‘, whether they’re getting attention & recognition or not. They can also safely acknowledge the contribution of others & are able to share credit. Site: “How to manage conflict & confrontation”
🦚
3a. Humiliation:  (not including degrading sexual interactions)
MUST involve 2 or more people – one who bullies, intimidates or socially embarrasses, although not always directly, AND the other as victim, usually not a willing recipient. It means TO:
• be reduced to a lower position in one’s own eyes &/or others, losing prestige or self-respect
• cause someone a painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity
• degrade, dishonor, disgraced, mortify, shame
vs.
3b. Humility / Humble : the quality of being courteously respectful, & modest, with a realistic opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, abilities, rank….
• Free from : boastfulness, egotism, great pretensions or vanity
• For some : retiring, unassuming, unobtrusive. May need to  be alone, to de-emphasizing & heal the wounded ego. (More…)

NOTE: Damaging parents, bad bosses & some religions use humiliation to control & make others submissive to their power.
HEALTHY people & institutions teach how to function well (actions), and encourage, or at least allow, others to develop their own natural way of thinking & feeling

IRONY: The more self-esteem we gain the more humble we become, comfortably! It’s what John Bradshaw called “healthy shame” – knowing what our actual human limitations are, without S-H, shame, guilt or toxic beliefs

🚴🏻‍♂️ Then we’re not afraid of making mistakes, of not know everything, of being imperfect. At the same time, we’re comfortable owning our God-given attributes – talents, knowledge & accomplishments.  Visibility is not dangerous to our welfare or identity!
REPEAT every day : “I know what I know, & I can’t know / don’t have to know – everything!”

NEXT : Being visible #5

ACoAs & BEING VISIBLE (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

invisibilityI DESPERATELY WANT TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED
but I don’t want to expose the real me!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs Being VISIBLE (#1)

POSTS: “Healthy Adult…” and “Separation & Individuation”

1. WOUNDED CHILD (Part 1)

2. AS ADULTS
STAYING Invisible – In the present we have many options never available to us as kids – such as searching out people who are relatively ‘sane’ & already capable of seeing & hearing us.
However, as long as the WIC is still running our emotional & mental life, it is the Ego State in charge of the picking process. So we’ll continue to choose friends, mates, even jobs, whose abuse & incompatibility with us make us feel unsafe

This reinforces the WIC’s conviction that we should stay invisible, not just because of the unhealthy people we surround ourselves with, but because of the WIC unconscious connection to the Negative Introject (IT), which is our real source of threatplexiglass

EXP: In doing early childhood visualizations, Tamara had an scene of herself as a 15 months old, sitting alone on bare earth in a big yard, only wearing diapers & a tiny top.

Near by her mother was hanging the wash on a clothes line, talking & laughing with another women, paying no attention to her little daughter.
It was as if there was an infinitely large sheet of plexiglass between Tamara & her mother – they could see, but not hear each other.
The infant sat there alone, unnoticed, neglected, unable to get thru to her mother – bewildered & scared! She had not created the wall, so she couldn’t tear it down & it was too vast to be gotten around. She WAS utterly alone!

🥀 This image represented her daily emotional experience growing up with a narcissistic mother, who was controlling & over-protective, while at the same time accused the child of being ‘difficult’, distant & disrespectful.  Tamara’s mother had made her feel invisible & then blamed her for the result!

Now, the only possible result of our True Self becoming visible is a feeling of danger. Our WIC is convinced that if we can be seen, well everyone else in the world will treat us as badly as our family did. toxic beliefs
So we continue to hide behind our glass wall**. We think that even if we tried to have a presence, we’d likely fail (not prepared, don’t know enough…)

The WIC says : “If I show who I really am & go for what I want”, then : • I’ll be made fun of, judged, criticized
• no one will want me or what I have to offer
• no one will pay me for what I do
• people will be jealous of me, & then attack / try to stop me”…..
AND even if I by some miracle manage, it will be taken away

**Glass wall: While we’re trying to hide behind a creative facade, we do NOT really go completely unnoticed. Depending on how we function in the world, other people see various aspects of us – both our good qualities & our damage.

• What all ACoAs** present to the world is our ‘defensive persona’, an outer shell housed in the PP or WIC ego states, & in some cases a clever but unhealthy Adult. The sad thing is that we believe this outer shell is the real us. Actually, it’s a mis-directed version of our natural personality, distorted by childhood abuse & neglect

While many of us are terrified of even that much exposure, those of us who tend towards the blatant are nevertheless suppressing or perverting the healthy Natural Child, trying to show the world (our parents) we deserve to be valued (“look at me – and – I hate you all”), as compensation

**This is not to diminish the accomplishments of many determined & talented ACoAs who have worked hard to achieve one or more goals. And not all successful people function exclusively from damage – it depends on how authentic they are in their personal life.
In PMES terms, most function out of their (P) Physical & (M) Mental aspects, but rarely (E) Emotionally or (S) Spiritually mature.

NEXT: ACoAs being Visible (Part 3)

ACoAs & BEING VISIBLE (Part 1)

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stand outWITH ALL THESE PEOPLE AROUND
– why do I feel so alone?

PREVIOUS: Emotional Maturity

POSTS: “Ego states”  and “Toxic Roles”

 

1. WOUNDED CHILD (the WIC)
Invisibility is a basic protective mechanism for any abused child.
• Physical: kids in dangerous homes will often try to make themselves invisible by hiding in their room, under tables or beds, in closets… or spend a lot of time out of the house, at the library, in sports, at a neighbor or friend…..
• Psychological: damaged parents give their children a strong message – spoken or not: “DO NOT BE YOURSELF” – only be what we are, what we want you to be, what we can tolerate & control, what we believe is ‘right’

ACoAs, having experienced both kinds of harm, learned early on to mask our True Self, so much so that we end up not knowing that we even have one! Our family threw our essence on the trash heap, so we learned to do the same. We needed to protects ourselves from family, school, church & neighborhood because
THEY:trashed child
• used our weaknesses/ feelings/ desires / sensitivity – against us
• made fun of & teased us, played mean or cruel ‘jokes’ on us
• punished us unfairly or unnecessarily
• ignored or belittled our skills & gifts (often from jealousy)
• didn’t back us up, take our side – anywhere (at home, at school…)
• physically hurt us (abused for not being perfect – or just for being there)
• expected too much of us (be a little adult, take care of them…)
• never gave us the right info to function successfully in the world….

Bad mirroring: The more severe the parents’ self-absorption is, the less they provide their children with positive mirroring, which all kids must have in order to forge a sense of Self & how we relate to other people. Without this pure feed-back from the start (“I get who you are, exactly the way you are”) it’s very hard to develop a true image of ourself. Our family’s narcissism created a kind of childhood black magic: “If they don’t see me then I must not exist!”

invisibleNo matter at what age, when we’re in the presence of a severe narcissist we are actually alone, since N. only recognize themselves as having reality or viability. We are in fact INVISIBLE to them as separate entities
• For a healthy adult, being with someone & still feeling ‘alone’ is at best boring, at worst aggravating.

• For a child, when it’s our parents – it’s life-&-death terrifying. We come into the world helpless & are totally reliant on caretakers to provide all the basic needs, as well as safety, information & emotional connections
• The only way a pre-verbal infant has of communicating is thru their emotions.  If the adults cannot tune into the child on that wavelength, the baby experiences such aloneness & frustration that it creates intense anxiety

• The baby then tries to ‘manage’ that anxiety in any modernchineseorphanage
way it can, with extremely limited options – sucking it’s thumb, crying a lot, clinging to mother / doll /  blanket, not responding to stimuli, being afraid of strangers …..

✓ Studies in orphanages have shown how great the toll is on children who only get the minimum of care & are neglected mentally, emotionally & physically.  Also not being held, touched & comforted creates permanent personality damage. A common reaction is continual heads banging & compulsive rocking, & never developing the ability to bond with others.

• For an infant, being left physically alone for too long is a death sentence. Being with a lot of others (family) without emotional connection is soul murder.

• For ACoAs, growing up with adults who were supposed to be nurturing YET were NOT, was overwhelming to the point of powerless rage!  It felt like we might not survive. They made us feel so worthless & unlovable that we assumed they wanted us to be dead. Some parents even said so!  One narcissistic mother would say: “You’ll be the death of me yet!” – so even that was about her! but the child understood the translation: ‘You’re a murderer, you don’t deserve to live!’

NEXT: ACoAs & being Visible (Part 2)

Relationship FORM B. (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , ,

  Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 6.03.46 AM
WE  SEE THINGS VERY DIFFERENTLY.
Can we understand each other better?

PREVIOUS: Relationship Form A. (#2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

‘KtFoY’ = “Keep the focus on yourself!” 


“WHEN YOU….” Form in Part 2 & 3
• We hear from many sources that to be mentally & emotionally mature, we need to take responsibility** for our own TEAs (thoughts, emotions, actions). Yet ACoAs were taught by our family & religion NOT to think about our own needs, tastes, ideas, values… only other people’s – which means we’re not allowed to KtFoY. It’s considered:
☀︎ selfish, because it takes attention away from them
☀︎ arrogant, because we feel so worthless that we have no rights
☀︎ disobedient, because we’re not allowed to think for ourselves – only what they said was acceptable – no matter how contradictory or crazy

Can you hear the PP’s poisonous voice whispering: “Who do you think you are?”
And no matter how intelligent or accomplished, without correct info, many ACoAs don’t actually know what KtFoY means or how to do it.

REMINDER: ** Taking Responsibility is different from Self-Hate, which tells us everything bad / painful that happens to us and others – is our fault.
☼Responsibility is not about fault, but rather ownership. It acknowledges what we have or have not thought, felt or done (T.E.A.) – period.
☼ S-H adds to that :”Yes I’ve done/ not done —- and therefore I’m bad!”
This is not KtFoY.

•  Taking responsibility without S-H allows us to determine who did what – if anything – & if there is anything we can learn or correct for next time – without shame or recrimination.

NEGATIVE USE:Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 6.16.44 AM
• Some ACoAs will use KtFoY to justify being selfish, thoughtless & inconsiderate – coming from their narcissism. Like : promising to do something important for another person, & then flaking. When confronted, they may say “Oh, I just needed to take care of myself” – without considering the consequences to anyone else.

• Other ACoAs think they’re being righteous when they use their version of KtFoY – but only to point a finger. Like: “I feel that you…. should be more… are being stupid for staying with… don’t know what you’re talking about… ought to do…”

POSITIVE USE:
•  Identify the thoughts & emotions YOU are having about a situation, leaving out as much reference to others as possible. That may take some soul-searching, but a good way to find out what’s going on inside is to ask what the the Inner Child or the PP is going on a about.
Either one is having some old emotional reaction – the direct result of our thoughts – wrapped in a cognitive distortion & Toxic Rule “If it’s hysterical it’s historical”.

•  Then, if appropriate, write or state what you’re thinking & feeling. Of course you’re reaction is in response to something or someone else, but it’s YOUR response, regardless of that they do or say. focus on self
Such as:
☼ re. Es: ‘When you talk like that it hurts my heart!’ or  ‘It’s very painful for me to watch you harm yourself’  or ‘I get so angry when you disappoint me, over & over!’
☼ re. Ts:  “I simply don’t agree with your assessment of the situation” or “I don’t understand why you keep …” or “I know I didn’t do that, even if you don’t believe me”….

✒︎ Notice that these are all “I”  statements. It’s the best way to communicate, because it eliminates blaming or trying to control.
It also stops most people in their track – it doesn’t give them much they can use to escalate. They can of course divert your attention by changing he subject, or just make fun of what you said.
Hopefully it greatly cuts down on defensive, angry & resentful responses

REMINDER: Don’t wait endlessly before saying something appropriate about an annoyance or a serious problem. Otherwise you’ll just be in a rage & any communication will be short-circuited.

SO, back to these forms – regarding something another person has done over & over that bothers you a lot. Notice:
☆ Form A. was about a future event that worries / angers you
★ Form B. is about recent but ongoing past actions, you wish would stop. Examples in Part 2 & 3.

NEXT: FORM B. (Part 2)

Relationship FORM A. (Part 2)

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couple troubleSOMETIMES IT SEEMS THAT
relationships are more trouble than their worth!

PREVIOUS: Form A. (re. forms: Who, What, When –#1


FORM A: “IF I WERE TO LET YOU…”
1. WHO / 2. WHAT / 3. THEN

4. WHY: It’s important to know what your motives are in sharing these forms with another. The 3 main possibilities are:
a. as another manipulation, so you can change the other person, to get them to do what you wan. Ask, don’t demand or assume.
b. to open lines of communication, & be able to talk about the topic /situation – if you’re both willing, & possibly lead to a better outcome (Actions) or at least a resolution of conflict (Emotions & Thoughts) – Ts, Es or As.
c. to get as clear as you can about your own thoughts & feelings, regardless of the other person’s ability to hear you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF I WERE TO LET YOU  (As)  ______________________________
I WOULD FEEL (Es) ____________________________________
& I’M AFRAID of THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE (Ts) _______________
__________________________________________________
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM________________________________
BY (As & words (Ts) _______________________________________
even tho’ I’ll still end up angry & resentful (Es),  that’s
LESS SCARY than having to experience :_____________________
a. FEEL (Es) _________________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH (As & Ts) _______________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXP 2:
IF I WERE TO LET YOU – go back to school
I WOULD FEEL – envious & scared
I’M AFRAID OF THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE – that it will take up all your time, so you won’t have any time for me, & I’ll be the dumb one, won’t be able to keep up, you’ll lose interest in me…..
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM – registering for classes
BY – trying to convince you it’s too expensive, too hard, you don’t really want to go, you don’t need it because you’re smart enough….
…. even though I’ll end up feeling guilty, that’s
LESS SCARY than having to FEEL – alone, frustrated, helpless, vulnerable, hopeless
or DEALING WITH – paying for things by myself &/or for you, not having any company  evenings & weekends, not being able to do some of the things I want to do because I have to help you…

NOTE that most of what you write on these forms isScreen Shot 2016-06-18 at 5.44.30 AM your WIC’s reaction to a situation (or copying your PP) – no matter what the current reality is.
✐ If it’s the PP, ask it to step back, get out-of-the-way, leave you alone. Say “You’re not helping!”
✐ If it’s the WIC (more likely), give the kid a hug, repeat: “You’ll be OK, I’m here, you’re never alone. I can handle it. We have other options….” Then use any positive tool to support your Adult self.

WAYS to COPE no matter the outcome
Who the other person is will have some bearing on how you deal with this. Could be a sibling or your own child, even an order parent, but most likely a mate.
Your evaluation of the situation may be quite accurate – you will not have much time with this person if they’re in school – depending on their class load. So, instead of just panicking, ask yourself:

Re. YOU
• what buttons from my background is this pushing in me?
• what tasks (if you live together) can I stop doing, so I don’t feel so used?
Even if that makes you uncomfortable, in the long run it’s better than being resentfulScreen Shot 2016-06-18 at 5.46.33 AM.png & a victim
• If this happens, will there be things I can do to help ease the situation for both of you? Ask the other person for suggestions

• Where can I connect with a support system, so I’m not so alone?
• is there something I can be studying on my own, that doesn’t cost a lot? even if I don’t get credentials right away

TOGETHER
• Will having him/her go to school be beneficial to us both, in the long-run? Better job or career, more money… will I feel proud of them?
• am I willing to wait (1, 2, 4 years)?
• if no, am I really prepared to leave? If not, then own that decision & don’t sulk or punish the other person because you choose to stay
• if yes, what can I do with my empty time? Things I always wanted to do, but haven’t yet?
You can be growing on your own or with friends so you’re not left behind….

➼ These (Part 1 & 2) suggestions are just 2 possible ways to use this form & some healthy ways of dealing with a situation. Start by looking at your own buttons (sore spots) & negative thinking. Always remember “keep the focus on yourself.”

NEXT: Form B. “WHEN YOU…”