TO STAY ATTACHED OR NOT – how can I be truly safe?

PREVIOUS: Symbiosis #3

POSTs: Autonomy & Attachment

SITE: Object constancy (vs object permanence)

BOOK re. S & I:‘‘The UNFOLDING SELF”  by Mara Sidoli

The mental health goal of personal development IS to grow into our True Self, & being Individuated comes from knowing we’re a Separate being from everyone else.

Normal DEPENDENCE
As children we are all dependent on the ‘kindness of  strangers’ (parents / caretakers). This makes us vulnerable to their personal, social & religious training, so children are either nurtured & loved OR abused & neglected.  Even those of us who had an outwardly ok family experienced abandonment in ways that others can’t see from the outside.

As adults, IF we were originally victimized at home, we have the illusion that if we now stay dependent we’ll finally taken care of, making up for the past. However, the tradeoff is to give up adult rights – to have our own opinions, make our own choices, follow our own destiny.

Healthy INDEPENDENCE
To be individuated, we need to have a sense of independence from others, without isolation.
French aristocrat, writer, poet & pioneering aviator Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, “I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.”  We can say that the root of independence lies in our ability to think freely, since to a large extent, our thoughts determine our feelings, actions & experiences.

• Some expressions of independence are : being competent, having our own unique voice, acting autonomously in the world – while still being able to consider the differing ideas & feelings of others. It allows us to stay connected without being symbiotic.

Object Constancy: To develop healthy independence, first the child would have needed a genuine connection with dependable, competent & emotionally available caretakers, starting with a psychologically healthy mother.
🌺 That would result in the ability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy & reliable, especially when out of the our immediate field of vision.

THE GOAL of all therapy & other types of Recovery is Separation & Individuation (S & I), the struggle to become an adult**. This can only be done by clearly identifying & expressing who we were born to be, as part of our genetic & social heritage, yet not a carbon copy of anyone else. Children from healthy families are allowed this process while growing up, so they don’t have to go thru the stress of this particular type of ‘letting go’.

**Many ACoAs balk at the suggestion that we have to grow up (become an adult), because —
✓ the WIC doesn’t want to give up being in charge. This ego state has allowed us to survive thus far – but with severe limitations. Having to rely on ourself, way too early, gave the WIC the only sense of power it has ever known & won’t relinquish it easily

✓ we equate being an adult with being like our drunk & narcissistic parents – mean, weak or crazy.  They were acting out of their Bad Parent & WIC, but never from a Loving Parent / Healthy Adult state.
Of course we don’t want to be like them – BUT we are, in the way the False Self was formed, using the Toxic Rules & Toxic Roles.
So we can’t look to them for a model for valid adulthood!

The False Self (FS) is made up of two or more sub-selves that develop from childhood damage – as the only way to survive at the time. These well-meaning but wounded, comfort-seeking persona usurped leadership from our naturally talented True Self (TS).

The FS is not just the mask we present to the world, it’s what we now assume IS us, the only Self we’ve ever known.
As the various FS aspects formed, they disabled or stunted our TS, preventing our wise brain/body’s ability to make instinctively natural, holistic mental-decisions & action-choices, so that what we truly think, perceive, feel & how we act – are distorted or hidden.

• These sub-selves (FS) have tried valiantly to manage under extremely difficult conditions, & we can appreciate their efforts for our survival.  However, they no longer serve adult needs, so we can’t afford to let them continue ruling our life.
In our ‘language’, it means not letting the WIC be in charge anymore, by growing the UNIT.
(⬆️ CHART modified from “Break the Cycle”)

NEXT: S & I (#2)