NEEDS – from DAMAGE (Part 3)


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Categories of NEEDS: 1. Human, 2. Personality, 3.Damage

These needs are extreme (EXP: being very needy), & can often seem bottomless – nothing is ever enough. They’re accompanied by a great deal of anxiety & anger – because we’re not allowed to have needs, BUT can’t get rid of having them!

As children, our normal, human child-needs were a burden to our parents – not because we were “too much”, but because our family was too preoccupied with their own unhappiness & addictions. They DIDN’T HAVE IT to give us – not even those who ‘meant well’!

Unhealthy styles for each “COLOR” type, from Part 1 (SITE…)

EXPERIENCING REACTION to childhood events
a. Our specific personality (in Part 2 – True Self) influences how we respond to everything in our early environment. This is clearly visible in how / why sibling can be so different from each other

b. The way each child is treated (differently by birth order, gender AND style….) in the family & outside – contributes to the kind of damage-needs each of us has

Jungian analyst Donald Kalsched, exploring various archetypes of our psychological self-defence system in response to trauma, (2006) asked :
‘What is it about trauma that leads people to sabotage the road to healing?’….

Archetypes are primitive energies & emotions not easily assimilated by the conscious mind. They show up as characters in myths, fairy tales, theatre & film, as an inner figure swinging between protecting & persecuting us…. (⬆️ CHART )

Simone Weil wrote : “The True god turns violence into suffering. BUT the False god turns suffering into violence.” This double-edged self-care system in the traumatized child becomes the “false god” – its anger is turned inward, splitting the psyche between a supposedly inadequate ‘self’ & the critical inner protector.

…. When a child is consistently abused, its healthy developmental is compromised. Its core essence (the creative, relational, authentic spark of life) goes into hiding, deep into the unconscious – part of the Jungian Shadow.  (CHART explained ➡️)

…. The moment of this survival-dissociation is miraculous, since defensive splitting preserves the child’s psychological core in an encapsulated state,
but it’s also tragic because it forces the child to step out of the reality & vivacity of life. Having to separate itself from too many unbearable experiences, the child’s psyche goes into trance, causing it’s capacity for genuine trust in human relationships to slowly disintegrate.

….This split is cemented into the fabric of the child’s development process, & a shame-based identity becomes the filter through which it will then see everything.  Paradoxically – in the name of survival, this archetypal defense says “NO!” to life, as expressed in the last line of ‘The Rose’ : “And the soul, afraid of dying, that never learns to live”  (MORE…. excellent)

⬅️ CHART : • Barely meeting our needs (limited actions) leads to anxiety & ‘starvation’.
• The more we take healthy actions, the greater the personal empowerment & satisfaction.
• How much effort we put in also depends on how important a specific need is to us

♨️Trauma-related needs caused by our damaged past are ‘housed’ in the WIC, who was neglected, abandoned & abused. For severely wounded people, much of what we believe is our identity – is actually a distortion of our Original Self, masked by the conforming “False Self we had to create in order to survive.

EXP = desperately trying TO :
❗️always feel safe (even more than to be loved)
❗️have everyone always be consistent / dependable
❗️insist on being heard / visible  – by everyone
❗️always have an impact, everywhere (effective)
❗️never be hurt / abused / ignored
❗️never experience any form of loss or abandonment
❗️always use others to take of us (emotionally), give us permission – to exist, do things for us we can do…)

To successfully deal with this 3rd category, we have to distinguish between ways we were wounded, the resulting unhealthy needs AND then how we deal with them, which can either be:
a. UNhealthy – the most common ways in pre- & early Recovery
b. Healthy
– ways we provide Adult & Child needs, using the UNIT in all 4 PMES ways, to feel safer & make up for what we missed out on originally.




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