being visible 

without being in danger

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Visibility (#2)

ARTICLES: “Psychological Visibility
and “Psychological Visibility as a Source of Value in Friendship”, by Shailushi Baxi



To be truly visible we have to be clear about the differences between our misunderstanding of reality & what IS real.
Much confusion about it comes from distorted definitions & beliefs re. Arrogance vs. Having Rights, & Confrontation vs. Self-Assertiveness, Humility vs. Humiliation.

ACoAs often have the mistaken notion that being visible is arrogant, showing off, expressing hubris. NOT SO.
We’re so trained to not speak up, that we think any form of assertiveness is a confrontation. Not true.
Instead, when we speak from our Adult Ego State, use ‘I’ statements & don’t attack – we are in the right
• Having (& showing) an exaggerated opinion of one’s own importance, value & ability, from an assumption of ones superiority over others
• Not being able to take correction, criticism or guidance. These are the WIC’s or PP’s narcissism & grandiosity

It stems from insecurity & a need to be validated – often trying to take credit for more than the person really did, in order to boost themselves. It tends to be expressed by not listening, dismissing others’ opinions, with ‘loud‘ energy, craving attention online, being pushy with coworkers, or just never letting someone else speak
Having Rights – review “Having Rights” and My Rights
When we know our needs & rights, we value ourselves, so acknowledging our beliefs, assets & accomplishments is HEALTHY!
1. Basic PMES requirements – same for all humans across the planet, listed on the Maslow Pyramid
2. Personality needs, based on our specific configuration – learning style, MBTI & Enneagram Type…..
3. Wound needs, from the repeated ways we were abused & neglected. In the present it’s about finding the best ways to compensate for past trauma that may always be with us, but can become much milder

assertiveness....Confrontation (aggressive): ALWAYS comes from anger. It means facing someone (in person or not) in a threatening way, being argumentative, wanting to unsettle them – especially with defiance, abuse or accusations. A hostile clash of opinions, ideas & power
Assertiveness: being confident & direct in claiming one’s rights or putting forward one’s views, clearly & without anger, in an honest & respectful way, especially about difficult issues

It’s based on present-day reality. Ay work, it’s acknowledging the contribution of others & the ability to share credit. The person is confident about their identity & functioning, so their energy level is quiet‘, whether they’re getting attention & recognitions or not.  Site: “How to manage conflict & confrontation
Humiliation:  (not including degrading sexual interactions)
MUST involve 2 or more people – one who bullies, intimidates or socially embarrasses, although not always directly, AND the other as victim, usually not a willing recipient. It means TO:
• cause someone a painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity
• be reduced to a lower position in one’s own eyes &/or others, losing prestige or self-respect
• degrade, dishonor, disgraced, mortify, shame
Humility / Humble: the quality of being courteously respectful, modest, with a realistic opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, abilities, rank….
• Free from: boastfulness, egotism, great pretensions or vanity
• Perhaps: retiring, unassuming, unobtrusive. May need to  be alone, to de-emphasizing & heal the wounded ego. (More…)

NOTE: Damaging parents, bad bosses & some religions use humiliation to control & make others submissive to their power
HEALTHY people & institutions teach how to function well (actions), and encourage, or at least allow, others to develop their own natural way of thinking & feeling

IRONY: The more self-esteem we gain the more humble we become – comfortably! It’s what John Bradshaw has called “healthy shame” -knowing what our actual human limitations are – without S-H, shame, guilt or toxic beliefs

🚴🏻‍♂️Then we’re not afraid to make mistakes, or not know everything & to be imperfect. At the same time we’re comfortable owning our God-given attributes – talents, knowledge & accomplishments.  Visibility is not dangerous to our welfare or identity!

NEXT : Being visible #5

2 thoughts on “ACoAs & BEING VISIBLE (Part 4)

  1. Wow. This post is beyond good (IMHO). I don’t even know what to say. I lose words when I feel extreme gratitude.


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