PREVIOUS: Being visible #4
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
It’s important to know the difference between being in the public eye & true visibility. The former can be the result of being :
a. an extrovert, so being sociable suits them
b. born a performer with the need to express their creativity
✒︎These 2 types are ‘normal’ & can be healthy people, but
★ don’t automatically assume they all have self-esteem just because they’re able to put themself out there
c. a narcissist / controller, who always has to hog the limelight
— Damaged & definitely not from self-esteem
REAL visibility means FIRST being seen by oneself.
It comes from Emotional Health – being our Authentic Self as a result of S & I work. It’s knowing who we were born as – minus the damage, even in spite of it!
It can be expressed outwardly with others, or quietly in the background. With boundaries —
= we can be noticed & not lose ourselves or be invaded
= and, not being noticed does not erase us!
Being visible to emotionally, mentally & spiritually UNhealthy people is not possible. Stop trying!
It can seem ‘dangerous’ to the WIC when we’re not seen, triggering old memories, but it’s better than repeatedly trying to plug into a blank wall!
As adults in Recovery we can choose who to associate with. We can decide WHO :
a. is already capable of ‘getting’ us
b. will only like us superficially
c. won’t like us at all, &
d. the majority – who are neutral toward us.
✳️ Learn to distinguish between them, accept all 4 categories, & do not feel bad when we don’t fit with someone
Ultimately, being Visible means taking center stage in our own life – replacing the Negative Introject! We have to de-throne whichever parent was the focal point of our world, everything revolving around them, WHO :
• became our obsession by their physical or emotional absence
• controlled us by constantly being needy & passive-aggressive
• overwhelmed & terrorized by their selfish aggressiveness.
NOW it’s finally OUR TURN.
Our WIC really believes that if we leave the family mobile – be separate, different ourself – we’ll surely be flung out into the endless emptiness of black space, alone & then dead! Without them we won’t exist
This is simply not true, because we were born with our very own pre-set tendencies & nascent identity. Yet the WIC believes that for us to become the center of our own universe is not possible, no matter how we act on the outside
REALITY : We can teach the Inner Child, with compassion & Adult actions, that being in charge of our life really is safe & fun, and that we’re NOT alone, when connected to ourself, Higher Power, & positive human support
PROCESS – To be Visible
• we have to gradually tease out our own identity (S & I)
• the more Separate we are, the less symbiotic
• the less symbiotic, the more we’ll feel the internal HOLE which should have been filled by a Good Parent
• the more we become aware of the hole, the more we feel the loneliness of not having had safe, loving parents
• the more we fill the loneliness with our personality, the more we own our True Self
• the more of our True Self we claim, the more genuinely visible we become!
With GENUINE VISIBILITY – YOU take center stage, by:
• being your Truest Self & let others see that – using good judgement as to where & when
• appropriately expressing what you really feel, need, want, don’t want…
• develop your talents & then put them out in the world
• find people & situations compatible with your personality
• ask for help when you need it & keep reaching for your dreams
Recovery allows us to always see ourselves, no matter who we’re around. The Unavailables no longer are a danger to us, even if it sometimes feels that way when a partially fading childhood button gets pushed.
• When we’re being truly visible, AND are seen by someone capable, we can reinforce that in our thinking & by staying where it’s ‘warm’. This may seem difficult at first, but the more often we are seen, accepted & valued – the more it becomes the new norm!
NEXT : Symbiosis (Part 1)