PREVIOUS: Form A. (re. forms: Who, What, When –#1)
FORM A: “IF I WERE TO LET YOU…”
4. WHY: It’s important to know what your motives are in sharing these forms with another. The 3 main possibilities are:
a. as another manipulation, so you can change the other person, to get them to do what you want
b. to open lines of communication, & be able to talk about the upcoming situation – if you’re both willing, & possibly lead to a better outcome (Actions) or at least a resolution of conflict (Emotions & Thoughts) – Ts, Es or As.
c. to get as clear as you can about your own thoughts & feelings, regardless of the other person’s ability to hear you
IF I WERE TO LET YOU (As) ______________________________
I WOULD FEEL (Es) ____________________________________
& I’M AFRAID of THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE (Ts) _______________
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM________________________________
BY (As & words) _______________________________________
even tho’ I’ll still end up angry & resentful (Es), because that’s
LESS SCARY than having to experience :_____________________
a. FEEL (Es) _________________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH (As & Ts) _______________________________
IF I WERE TO LET YOU – go back to school
I WOULD FEEL – envious & scared
I’M AFRAID OF THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE – that it will take up all your time, so you won’t have any time for me, & I’ll be the dumb one, won’t be able to keep up, you’ll lose interest …..
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM – registering for classes
BY – trying to convince you it’s too expensive, too hard, you don’t really want to go, you don’t need it because you’re smart enough….
…. even though I’ll end up feeling guilty, because that’s
LESS SCARY than having to FEEL – alone, frustrated, helpless, vulnerable, hopeless
& DEAL WITH – paying for things by myself, not having any company evenings & weekends, not being able to do some of the things I want to do because I have to help you…
NOTE that most of what you write on these forms is your WIC’s reaction to a situation (or copying your PP) – no matter what the current reality is.
— If it’s the PP, ask it to step back, get out-of-the-way, leave you alone
— If it’s the WIC (more likely), give the kid a hug, repeat: “You’ll be OK, I’m here, you’re never alone.” Then use any positive tool to help yourself.
WAYS to COPE no matter the outcome
Who the other person is will have some bearing on how you deal with this. Could be a sibling or your own child, even an order parent, but most likely a mate.
Your evaluation of the situation may be quite accurate – you will not have much time with this person if they’re in school – depending on their class load. So, instead of just panicking, ask yourself:
• What buttons from my background is this pushing in me?
• what tasks (if you live together) can I stop doing, so I don’t feel so used?
Even if that makes me uncomfortable, in the long run it’s better than being resentful & a victim
• If this happens, will there be things I can do to help ease the situation for both of you? Ask the other person for suggestions
• Where can I connect with a support system, so I’m not so alone?
• is there something I can be studying on my own, that doesn’t cost a lot? even if I don’t get credentials right away
• Will having him/her go to school be beneficial to us both, in the long-run? Better job or career, more money… will I feel proud of them?
• am I willing to wait (1, 2, 4 years)?
• if no, am I really prepared to leave? If not, then own that decision & don’t sulk or punish the other person because you choose to stay
• if yes, what can I do with my empty time? Things I always wanted to do, but haven’t yet? You can be growing on your own or with friends so you’re not left behind….
➼ These (Part 1 & 2) suggestions are just 2 possible ways to use this form & some healthy ways of dealing with a situation. Start by looking at your own buttons & thoughts & always remember to keep the focus on yourself.
NEXT: Form B. “WHEN YOU…”