PREVIOUS : N abuse – M & F

BOOK : “The Body Keeps the Score” ∼ Dr. Van der Kolk (with reviews)

ABUSED MEN
Men are mistreated at home far more often than we might expect – in both straight & gay relationships. In some cases the abuse can instead come from an elderly parent, or a disturbed teen.
It happens to men from all cultures & all walks of life, regardless of age or occupation. Figures suggest that as many as 1 in 3 victims of domestic violence are male.

Abusers can have a ‘dual diagnosis’, being severely narcissistic and active alcoholics &/or drug addicts, severely mentally &/or physically ill, have PTSD….. (Abusive elderly parents…. )

Men are reluctant to report abuse for some of the same reasons that women don’t.
And the types of abuse they experience are similar to the list below, including:
✦ The N controls how you spend money, or deliberately defaults on joint financial obligations
(See : “N’s financial abuses”)
✦ Takes away car keys or locks you out for hours
✦ Prevents you from getting medical help or hides your medications ….
✦ Makes false allegations about you to employers, family, friends, the police…. anything to isolate you.   (More…. with help-suggestions)

↘️ GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS NEXT : Ongoing N abuse to WOMEN

PREVIOUS : N  abuse- OVERVIEW

SITE: “Mental & Emotional Abuse if Real” 

SYMPTOMS of N. ABUSE
These apply to You (the victim) in relation to your N partner (either gender)

YOU:
✦ are not allowed to grow
People need to develop, in order to become their best self. An insecure partner will tend to discourage this – lest you gain wisdom, & then see their weaknesses & want to leave. If you give in to their fears, you sacrifice a valuable part of your identity

✦ become tense around your significant other (S.O.)
It’s normal to feel anxious while you’re fighting, but it should not be all the time. Your relationship is supposed to feel like a soft place to land – anytime – especially after a long, hard day

✦ believe you can’t do anything right
This means your partner is taking your good qualities for granted – & happy to make use of them – while totally focusing on your limitations & flaws. Nobody’s perfect, but a partner who chips away at your self-esteem is being cruel
YOU:
✦ develop dissociation as a survival mechanism
This is being emotionally & physically numb in the face of horrific circumstances, like an alcoholic blackout but without drinking. It’s an actual detachment from your surroundings, with gaps in memory, perceptions, consciousness & sense of self.
In this state, mind-numbing activities, obsessions, addictions & repressed awareness become escapes from current reality

✦ don’t ‘feel like yourself’
This is a major sign that you’re compromising your identity & integrity for the sake of the relationship. To accommodate an abusive partner, you keep negatively adjusting your behavior & self-perception – to prove you  ‘really do care’. These self-denying changes cause you to lose a sense of self, leaving you confused & empty

✦ fantasize about (or try) suicide, or engage in self-harm instead
Along with depression & anxiety comes creeping hopelessness, having developed “learned helplessness”. Victims of domestic violence are 2x as likely to try suicide, even multiple times. It’s the way your partner can commit the ‘perfect’ murder – without being held accountable
YOU:
✦ find yourself avoiding your S.O. – or notice them avoiding you
Taking some time to be alone is healthy. However, if you usually dread spending time with this person, it means they’re not safe to be with

✦ habitually lie to each other
Often lying to your partner means – either you’re doing something you know isn’t ‘kosher’, OR more often it’s because you know they won’t accept something legitimate & positive you’re doing for yourself &/or the kids

✦ have the same arguments over & over
This usually represents deeper problems than the annoyance or criticism at the moment. It can also mean one or both of you don’t communicate appropriately, OR one doesn’t want to deal with the issue, causing distress to the other
YOU:
✦ (one or both) suffer from serious jealousy
This is a huge red flag. Accusations of infidelity or lack of attention is not a sign of love, or even of passion – only throwing childish tantrums. Jealousy indicates personal immaturity, insecurity, & lack of trust in the partner (especially when it’s UNjustified)

✦ put aside your basic needs & desires
You believe your partner’s happiness is more important than your own, so you sacrifice emotional, even physical safety to please the abuser. Trying desperately to please someone so they won’t leave you, is exhausting & pathetic

✦ romanticize the past
This is a subtle sign of dysfunction, but a very important one. Healthy people enjoy looking back on good times. But, if you live in the past because your future imaginings look like more of the same misery, you’re in the wrong place
YOU:
✦ walk on eggshells
Forced to avoid whatever will set the abuser off again – to stave off their rage. But it never actually works, since they want to use you as an emotional punching bag – no matter what you try. So you’re constantly anxious about accidentally ‘provoking’ your abuser, trying to prevent confrontations & physical harm

✦ withdraw from everyone & isolate
Just the 2 of you in your cocoon of distrust of the outside. You feel ashamed about the abuse, & assume no one will understand or believe you anyway. Unfortunately, victims can be re-traumatized by law enforcement, family, friends & the N’s harem members who won’t validate your experiences

NEXT : Signs of Ongoing Abuse – to Men

PREVIOUS :
What not to do with Ns, #4

SITEs : “What happens when you Start Ignoring a Narcissist ?”

♟ “What happens when a narcissist see that he/she can’t destroy you?“

Denial is our frenemy. It is naturally the child’s first & only defense. Being helpless & dependent makes it safer & less scary to deny extreme, continual deficiencies in & abuses from parents & other caregivers, than to ‘see’ what the child is actually experiencing.
And as adults, following the same patterns, it may feel safer to blame ourself for problems than to question the integrity of people we depend on for our survival. 

As long as we’re in denial, we repeat unhealthy patterns, failing to protect ourselves & those we love from further abuse. Breaking denial about a parent, spouse, or other important relationship is the first & often most difficult step in the Recovery process. But crucial.
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NEXT : Signs of ongoing N-abuse , #1

PREVIOUS : What NOT to do (Part 3)

WHAT NOT to do with NPDs (cont) 

23. DO NOT attend couples counseling with a NPD
BECAUSE it’s a scam to keep you hooked. Don’t be fooled by their agreement to go, since it’s bound to fail. They’ll triangulate with the therapist, be sooo charming or portray themsef as the victim, & use everything you say in therapy to further gaslight & retaliate between sessions.
Unwary therapists will address the Victim’s reactions instead of the abuse itself, & risk re-traumatizing the survivor. Since NPDs refuse to take any personal responsibility for their beliefs & actions, they don’t outgrow their patterns.

Many NPDs won’t even try counseling, totally blaming their partner. But if they do, it won’t last & then they can say manipulatively :
“See, therapy didn’t work – YOU’re not any better. So there’s no point in continuing”, OR
“It’s too expensive. Besides, the doc doesn’t know what he/she is talking about.” or when they quit, will say :
“I tried, so you can’t blame me” (after only a few sessions)

And DO NOT talk about ways you’re planning on taking care of yourself – especially if it includes leaving. It’ll just give them the time & ammunition to sabotage & then derail you, often getting ‘help’ from the therapist to do it.
🙀 🙀 🙀
NOTE from Dr. Ramani Durvasula
In reality, the previous 4 points can’t always -OR ever- be avoided . So this info is to help you know what to expect, & prepare yourself & your Inner Child, using Recovery tools (12-Step meeting, literature, prayer, phone & text calls…. )

24. DO NOT attend family activities (yours or theirs)
BECAUSE it’s another opportunity to make you look like the crazy one or the b–ch. The N can too easily rile you up behind closed doors to make you seem unhinged or emotional to their family & friends, while playing the calm, collected partner.

‼️ To show others you’re not ‘the problem’ they’ve heard about, make sure you stay calm, smile a lot, tell about your accomplishments & only talk about facts – never emotions. And don’t complain about the N.
Vent your frustration & rage privately, in Program, therapy, your journal, in prayer….  Use these coping suggestions for the next 3 as well.

25. DO NOT attend get-togethers with the N
BECAUSE – among other things – it’s an opportunity for the N to triangulate by flirting with others in front of you, to get you to vie for the N’s attention.
The only ‘value’ in going – is to cut thru your denial by actually seeing how they interact with others. Attending social gatherings with the N. can cause you much pain & a sense of alienation – as he/she charms the crowd while devaluing you

26. DO NOT have celebrations with them
BECAUSE if you do – the N will most likely sabotage events such as your birthday, special celebrations or holidays. They’re infamous for ruining situations where you’re supposed to be the center of attention & make you happy. If you have to ‘share’ these moments, make sure your support people are present as well

‘Special’ events also includes important deadlines, a work interview….. Do not let the N know when these are happening, since it means potentially losing power over you. They’ll deliberately rattle you so much – often using unrelated issues – that you may ruin it yourself!

27. DO NOT travel with them
BECAUSE if you do – you’l be shocked at how horrendous it can turn out. This is very familiar to anyone growing in an alcoholic family!

As adults, ‘dream vacations’ may initially be part of love bombing, but end up opportunities for the N to isolate & degrade the partner. Beside drinking alcoholically & triangulation with anyone around, they’ll want to eliminate any witnesses – to how they ‘groom’ you to always expect verbal & psychological abuse.
AND – NPDs are notorious for abandoning their victims in foreign countries, making dream destinations a trip to hell, include the most special one – their honeymoon.

NEXT : Narc abuse – Overview

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PREVIOUS : What NOT to do (Part 2)

SITE : Will they ever change?

WHAT NOT to do with NPDs (cont) 

16. DO NOT assume shared values
BECAUSE if you do – you’l be constantly confused. “Why did they do this or say that?” You can not use rational thinking & normal social rules to understand Ns. They operate from a different world view, & accepting that is the only way to deal with them for your sanity

17. DO NOT not give or receive money
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll always get screwed. That includes:
– depending on them, accepting financial ‘help’ or moving in together
– making large purchases together, accepting large gifts
– signing contracts, such as a lease or business venture
– getting a pet or having children with them, if possible

There is no such thing as a ‘free lunch’ with an abuser. ANY financial (& emotional) ties to a N will only work against you in the long run. You’ll be the one paying, in more ways than one  (POST: “N’s Financial abuses“)

18. DO NOT expect loyalty
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll be continually disappointed & hopeless. Normals are stunned at how quickly & easily Ns dump a friend, lover….  when they’re not getting ‘fed’. Their shaky sense of self gives their needs a life-or-death quality, so they have to move on to a new supply (person) – fast. Ns use language as tools & weapons rather than to speak the truth. When they expressed undying love & faithfulness, they were lying.

19. DO NOT keep falling for their lines
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll end up trapped in The Matrix or Westworld. Notice how they say the same things over & over – about everything – even using the exact same words, like it’s on a CD!
You keep hoping you’ll get back to those early glory days when you were soooo happy with the N. But since that was a con job, it won’t. However, if you start getting wise & pulling away they’ll temporarily revert to an earlier charming ploy. If that doesn’t work – they may rage.

20. DO NOT accept their false accusations
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll become more & more depressed, isolated, self-hating, even paranoid. Their lies are often said behind your back, to your boss, with friends, even family, & especially to your children. Ns are emotionally dyslexic – shamelessly accusing you of traits they know they’re guilty of. They need to make you think you’re wrong & that they’re perfect.

21. DO NOT ask them for help in a crisis
BECAUSE if you do – you’re sure to be let down. It’s not unusual to hear horror stories from survivors callously abandoned or bullied by their N during the worst moments of their lives, in times of grief, loss or life-threatening illness.

A variation is Narcissistic Ghosting, when a N promises to help with a project or difficulty, but never shows up nor texts to cancel. Later they act as if they had never been thoughtless or disrespectful. 

22. DO NOT let them confront you, without you having documentation
BECAUSE Ns are really great at talking in circles, lying, changing the subject & reciting all your faults & mistakes –
but NEVER any of theirs, so they come out smelling like a rose – to anyone who doesn’t know them.

Situations that you need proof for can include ; years of private manipulation, business & personal negotiation, physical & sexual abuse, harassment or stalking.
Documentation is imperative to resist their gaslighting & hoovering attempts &/or if you’re going to bring a legal case against the abuser. Don’t take phone calls.  Sticking to e-mail, text or voicemail, but in-person meetings should always include bringing someone trustworthy with you as witness.

NEXT: DON’Ts – #4

PREVIOUS : What NOT to do (#1)

SITE : When it’s all About THEM

REMEMBER: YOU can NOT get a totally blind person (Ns) to see

WHAT NOT to do with Ns (cont)

9. DO NOT pay constant attention
BECAUSE if you focus on everything they do & say you’ll become totally distracted from your own needs & goals.  Don’t let yourself be unsettled by the N’s constant ‘attention seeking’. Create firm boundaries while acknowledging the N’s desires without always giving in – unless you really can or want to

10. DO NOT personalize what they do
BECAUSE all their behavior patterns are about THEM – never about you! Yes it affects you, but not about you.  Until you get it, you’ll feel bad about yourself.
Taking personally what Ns do or say grants them real estate in your mind & heart, which is exactly what they want. They’ll target anyone who happens to cross their path. While their worst abuse is often reserved for those closest to them, no one is immune. It’s not personal, it’s just how they are.

11. DO NOT try to justify or explain yourself
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll just make a fool of yourself. Ns like to undermine & see you squirm. Explaining your emotions or justifying beliefs & opinions is a waste of time. They’re not listening – only interested in winning, not communicating.

Do not defend yourself ever – but especially to a N, who will try hard to make you doubt what you’ve experienced or heard them do & say. Ns use attack questions or sarcasm to put others on the defensive – so you’ll feel the need to explain your very right to be alive

12. DO NOT minimize their outrageous behavior
BECAUSE if you do – it will wear a hole in your mind & spirit. Ns’ total self-absorption takes up all the psychic oxygen in the room. Over time, people constantly exposed to NPDs become inured (numb) to how badly they’re being harmed. Ns deceive, manipulate & humiliate others. Don’t whitewash or excuse them & never ignore how dysfunctional their words & actions are

13. DO NOT expect them to own their part
BECAUSE otherwise you’ll drive yourself ‘crazy’ trying to convince the N. It’s a waste of time to make them be accountable for any unhealthy behavior. They only take credit & give blame, never apologize or admit responsibility. They see their accomplishments & successes as a ‘special’ talent, so they have to project their flaws on to others

14. DO NOT give in to their love-bombing attempts
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll get conned into thinking they care about YOU. Their early overwhelming attention is actually the way Ns fast-forward false emotional & physical intimacy.

It’s meant to manufacture a quick connection so they can ‘feed’ on you. Don’t let them. Don’t respond right away to every text, call or request for in-person meetings. Give yourself time & space to think

15. DO NOT give them ammunition
BECAUSE if you do – they’ll use anything you divulge to humiliate & control you, especially when you’re most vulnerable or in need. The more personal information you share – especially in the early ‘pink cloud’ days of the relationship – the more ammunition they’ll have to use against you!

That means : don’t talk about your deepest wounds, fears, insecurities & traumas. Everything will inevitably be thrown back at you to paint you as unstable, crazy, too sensitive or ‘losing it’. It may be a personal tidbit you mentioned in passing or a deep ‘truth’ you shared in confidence.

And they will, even if not right away. They can attack when you least expect it, when they’re angry at you about something – especially when you inadvertently displeased them, complained about something they did or didn’t do, or just weren’t paying them any attention.

NEXT : What NOT to do (Part 3)

PREVIOUS : Ns & INTIMACY

SITE : Narcissistic Love vs Unconditional Love

BIG Don’ts re NPDs –
rules for unhealed (& unaware) co-dependent ACAs

1. DO NOT try to change them – ever!
BECAUSE no-one can change another person, but especially a N, who doesn’t see anything wrong with themself.

Unhealthy co-deps are deeply afraid of feeling abandoned by others, & don’t believe that have any options because they’re not worthy, and believe they don’t have any effect on the world.
So if a N chooses us, we’re grateful, since we think no one else will ever want us, so we would be alone forever if we left the N.

2. DO NOT fall for the N’s “poor-me-suffering” game
BECAUSE it’s a con-job – to get you to do all the internal work in their life for them, so they never have to.
❗️When you’re very attracted to someone, take the time to find out who they really are before you commit yourself – emotionally, financially, friend-wise career-wise…..

Ask other people who’ve known this person a long time (especially ex-s), their siblings, anyone who’s worked with or for them….. AND pay attention to the Red Flags – what they are telling you about themself (everyone does).

Also, how you feel physically & emotionally when you’re with them as well as after being around them. Are you angry & drained? Do you look forward to their company, or dead it?

3. DO NOT try to save them from themselves
BECAUSE :
a. you can’t, & they won’t let you
b. their armor is too thick to penetrate
c. their denial is fool-proof (you being the fool)
d. their self-destructiveness is deep-seated
e. they love to destroy others as well
f. to ‘get better’ they’d have to be introspective & take responsibility, which NPDs never will

4. DO NOT underestimate the power of narcissism (N)
BECAUSE if you do – it will suck you in to being used in their clever but desperate search for Supply for attention, control, power, sexual conquest, wealth…. Their hunger is bottomless, & the drive to ‘feed’ is so powerful that Ns will even betray people ‘closest’ to them

With NPDs (most severe form of N) –  minor behaviors may shift over time, but their underlying psychological dynamic lasts a lifetime. So hoping narcissists will ever improve is a delusion

 5. DO NOT be confrontational….
….. about anything, or that they’re a N, if possible.
BECAUSE if you do – they’re likely to lash out in rage or punish you in some other way for exposing them. It can be total silence, or major gaslighting or more love-bombing to win you back & make you think they’ve changed. It’ll only keep you stuck in the abuse cycle

6. DO NOT take them at face value
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll be left holding an empty shell. All that glitters is not gold. Ns work tirelessly to present a perfect facade of superiority & certainty, to keep others guessing. Underneath, many (but not all) feel empty, insecure & illegitimate.
😷 Don’t mistake the mask as an indicator of goodness or truth

7.  DO NOT expect empathy or fairness
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll always be left hanging, or worse – keep getting re-traumatized if you’re an ACoA.
Empathy comes from the assumption that everyone is worthwhile, deserving equal attention & compassion – which Ns do not believe. Their grandiosity & sense of entitlement eliminates consideration, fair-play or reciprocation

8. DO NOT try to beat them at their own game
BECAUSE they’re much better at one-upmanship than you are. Ns spend all their time perfecting a campaign of self-aggrandizement, carrying out more manipulative actions in a week than most people do all year.
Ns have a mortal fear of being humiliated & feeling inferior. So, great energy goes into cultivating ego-boosting sources, at others’ expense

NEXT: Don’t do…. #2

 
PREVIOUS : Narcissists’ FEARS (#2)

❧ INTIMACY
Genuine intimacy includes trust, understanding & being understood. It relies on endurance, safety, mutuality, respect & transparency. Without appropriate self-disclosure, there can be no intimacy. Anyone in an intimate relationship (beyond sex) can reveal vulnerabilities without expecting it to be used against them.

People with personality disorders (PDs) are afraid of mature intimacy – which includes being seen with genuine emotional involvement & requires being honest with oneself, which N’s are not.
😵‍💫 Un-‘educated’ partners of NPDs confuse intensity with intimacy.
Ns are extremely good at giving the appearance of intimacy, but can turn it on & off as it suits them. When they’re short on Supply, , they offer such a  good fake version of being needy, which is very appealing, & hard to resist. But when they’ve gotten their hit, they immediately go back to being selfish. Ns are the ultimate users.

Def:  “NT S/Os” means neuro-typical significant others.
Generally, Ns are extremely confused & uncomfortable when ‘normal’ people try to bond with them. So Ns may not recognize that this is the ‘push – trigger’ that starts them devaluing the non-narc partner or friend, who will never be able to convince the NPD that their fear of intimacy is at the heart of their relationship-problems.

N’s PROCESS of DEVALUING
💌the N meets a S/O who has the ability to provide the kind of love they crave, & is available
💌 this triggers the infatuation / idealization phase in the N
💌 at first it creates a feeling of euphoria which comes from powerful neuro-chemicals that anesthetizes the N, which temporarily dampens their reflexive instinct to throw up protective narc-defenses

📭As the relationship continues, the N’s high wears off (end of infatuation phase) & they return to their ‘normal’ unhealthy state

🎈Unaware of the N’s internal change, the S/O continues to offer unconditional love. Since the N didn’t get this from parents in childhood, they can never trust that anyone else will ever provide it

🎁Mature intimacy offered by the S/O comes with the inevitable traveling companion of “vulnerability”, which NPDs cannot tolerate. It exposes old abandonment pain & the fear of future loss, which they’ve never learned to face or how to deal with (POSTs : “What Recovery Is / Isn’t“)

TRIGGER ALERT
💔 The N is subconsciously triggered when they start to FEEL emotions that come from someone loving them, which are are new & so alien that it causes a great deal of confusion.
They feel intimidated & overwhelmed.
🤎 This subconsciously sets the N on high alert, potentially being ‘forced’ to experiencing their greatest enemy – emotional pain

😱 In this state of hyper-sensitivity the N can start to experience mounting anxiety, despondence & irritation, with a sense of impending doom – without understanding why
⚡️Before long the N is caught up in a Category-5 emotional hurricane of rapidly changing feelings, attacked by the stinging rain of vulnerability-terror

⚡️They’ll convert “softer” emotions toward the S/O into anger, & possibly hatred, with a stronger & stronger urge to get rid of the source of the pain

⚡️The N’s maladaptive defenses prevent them from distinguishing friend from foe, so they act against their own best interests – to get rid of the love being offered.
Their subconscious starts whispering an endless stream of self-hating & paranoid intrusive thoughts ↘️, which convince the NPD-sufferer to accuse the S/O of causing their ever-increasing angst & agitation

⚡️The tragic twist is that it’s the S/O’s love that inadvertently triggers the N, by providing them with the very thing they’ve always wanted – mature adult intimacy – but which they’re terrified of trusting

⚡️Unfortunately, since the N is not consciously aware of what’s going on inside, they inevitably push the S/O away, unable to recognize that their misery has nothing to do with the S/O, who’s done nothing wrong

💔 Pushing away the very people who are truly capable of psychological / spiritual intimacy & love leaves the N even more deprived & ‘starving’. But it provides temporary relief from their intense anxiety, leaving a feeling of relief & elation after unshackling these ‘chains’.
After that wears off,  depression & isolation can set in (loss of the fantasy), but eventually their emptiness will push the N to start the cycle all over again.
Unable to be their own healer & comforter, they need to use other people to ‘feed off’ of.

(SOURCE : Tod Skyler, attorney)

 NEXT: N ‘helpers”- BYSTANDERS #1

PREVIOUS  : Narcissists’ FEARS (Part 2)

What SCARES Narcissists? (cont)

❧  Low Status
Many overt Ns relentlessly pursue positions of power & influence – even as far back as high school – such as being class president. It was more than just a popularity contest, & now it’s serious competition to keep accumulating power. Ironically, many Ns seem to expect recognition or admiration without any actual accomplishments or achievements, assuming they deserve power because they were ‘destined’ for it.

❧ Not able to communicate
G– forbid a N would be have to be without a cellphone, iPad or any other device – for even a day, much less a week. It would feel like torture & undeserved punishment. They need to be able to contact ‘Supply’, people to fill the void in their personality. Not being able to do so weakens the N.

❧ Poor or fading looks
Ns don’t actually have to be good-looking to move through life on their narcapades. Those types can still find, use & discard available sources, just not as high a quality as they think they have a right to.

But if a N starts out attractive, then finds their looks fading, from over-indulgence, illness, accidents or just aging…. they won’t be able to keep or compete as well for high-level Supply. With a bruised ego, they may decide to spend money or get someone else to pay for physical upgrades, like new clothes, physical enhancements….. whatever will makes the shallow N feel more desirable.  

❧ Poor health
It’s particularly hard on Ns, but they’ll try to make sure to have an ever-present empathetic victim to cater to their needs, & nurse them back to health. If their illness is chronic, & they have a spouse or adult-child they can control, they make sure to have a lifetime slave at their beck & call. Also, active addicts find their continued use an effective way to trauma-bond their Supply. 

❧ Remorse
It’s not just that they can’t feel remorse, it’s that they actively refuse to fake-express it – by apologizing. They fiercely reject feeling bad about hurting others, which shows a very deep fear of emotional weakness. Remorse is acceptance & admission of having made a mistake. For proud & haughty Ns, this is unthinkable.

❧ Self-evaluation
Ns have a false idea of themself as superior beings, but some part of them knows it’s all a lie, which their mind shields them from facing. To look into this constructed part their identity would mean confronting everything that’s wrong with their personality, which Ns dread almost more than anything.

❧ Shamed
This is about Public Humiliation. Ns greatly value social standing & reputation, assuming others think as highly of them as they do of themself. It’s interesting that Ns fear shame, not guilt —> which comes from feeling bad about hurting someone, or doing something wrong – which they don’t.
Being shamed scares Ns because it would threaten their self-image

❧ Your clarity & memory of self
Hi on their no-no list is for you to remember life before you met them. Because it’s one of their big fears, they’ll use all the manipulative tactics in their arsenal to deaden your self-awareness & reprogram your mind to fit the N’s self-view.

❧ Vulnerability, & expressions of Emotions
Narcs often use cognitive empathy to fake interest in other people’s emotions. They use it to “gain entry” to your vulnerability, to establish a trust & rapport using false kindness & ‘understanding’.
However, they loathe being vulnerable themself  & showing their emotions, seeing these as weakness. Instead, they use  their mimicking skills to take advantage of you when your adult defenses are down

❧ When you change the status quo
Narcissists hate change whenever it’s out of their control. When you choose yourself, you choose to remove yourself from abuse. That frustrates them.
But remember – you have a right to focus on your healing, even if it makes the N  miserable (temporarily). Do not feel sorry for them – they’ll just replace you!

❧ Death
Ns think of themself as all-powerful, all-knowing superior beings – even the Coverts, who assume they have the power to harm someone just with their thoughts & feelings!
Death is the ultimate destroyer of even the most powerful, making them like everyone else, forcing the realization that all their maneuvering to ‘stay on top’ were pointless. Oh Horror!

NEXT : Narcs & INTIMACY

PREVIOUS  : Narcissists’ FEARS – + Def. (#1)

What SCARES Narcissists? (cont)

❧ Caught at being a fraud or liar
Ns are famous for lying or exaggerating to make themself seem important or impressive to others, as well as to make themselves feel better about their status. Since they know they’re stretching the truth they’re secretly worried about being caught. So calling them on their B.S. can set off a rage, a distraction, justifications, or more lies

❧ Commitment
Being in a relationship will mean that a partner will get to know the N, including faults & embarrassments. Letting people see imperfections in their character is unbearable. Also, “sexual narcissism” (usually in men) is presenting a false image that they’re much better in bed than they actually are. Long-term relationship will expose any inadequacies in this area too.

❧ Consequences
This is setting boundaries with a N, stating what will happen if they overstep, & then implementing the results you warned them about.
This doesn’t make any sense to them since can’t see when they’re wrong, & can’t understand how anyone would ever think they were.
And even if the N ‘admitted’ a mistake, they simply wouldn’t care. So they over- or under-react to boundaries being set for them, using anger or ‘serious talks’ as a way to intimidate you into backing off

❧ Factual Talk
Many Ns use excessive, long-winded language charged with grandiose emotion, spending their whole lives using the emotional language of other people to their advantage.  They skew reality to meet their worldview, & believe their truth is always the truth.

Therefore, they hate when anyone challenges them with realistic facts, instead of your emotions. Ironically, they can retaliate with more arguing (cognitive) & hysteria (their emotions) trying to elevate the conversation’s intensity by throwing an emotional temper tantrum. This childish response simply shows how they feel out-of-control

❧ Gratitude
Like remorse, gratitude is another emotion seen as a sign of weakness by Ns – as if it gives the appreciative person power over them. Since Ns never do anything for ‘free’, they can’t imagine someone else showing them a kindness without payment expected.  Or, Ns can’t admit they may have needed help. Either way, it means they owe someone, which would make them someone’s equal, or worse yet ——> one-down.

❧ Insults
Insults are about the person – their identity – & Ns are hypersensitive to being verbally put down. They feel the sting of it more than non-Ns, a crushing blow to their already fragile ego.
They’ll brood & sulk about it for weeks, or never get over it – depending on the words used & who said them – even plotting revenge toward the person who caused the injury.

❧ Jealousy
Ns are extremely possessive of their human Supplier – even when devaluing & discarding someone. Their jealousy can be in the form of constant accusations, or will show up intensely if their victim actually cheats, leaves – or just pays more attention to someone else. They don’t want to lose even a smidgin of attention.

❧ Lack of admiration
In the N’s mind, admiration from others is the source of their power, so without it they’re nothing. When marginalized or ignored – for whatever reason – they experience it as being invisible, feeling totally irrelevance & unimportance – which they can’t bear.

❧ Lack of resources
This is mainly about physical needs. Yes, many Ns work long hours, to buy the best & the biggest,  a way to fill the inner emptiness. Since Ns believe they’re entitled to everything, doing without something – or having it taken away – can cause panic.
Also, losing practical resources, such as a car & house, will limit their ability to find & seduce someone new to take care of them

❧ Losing at anything
Ns can be extremely sore losers, acting just like toddlers in a tantrum. They may seem to be struggling to accept losing, but then lash out when they do, which can lead to plenty of cheating & dramatic reactions for not being “on top”. 

EXP: They can pretend they don’t care about winning, insist they “let the other person” take the spotlight, OR refuse to accept that they lost & awkwardly act as if they are the actual winner, OR may attack or humiliate the winner, repeatedly stating the person in charge (boss / referee) was incompetent, stupid, blind….

NEXT : N’s FEARS, #3